Poetry

Discussion in 'Community' started by shadowfax, Feb 18, 2003.

  1. shadowfax macrumors 603

    shadowfax

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2002
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    #1
    Hey all!

    I've been working on a little poem lately, and i have it mostly how i like it, except for a few lines:
    *******
    life to death
    names to faces

    hours of training and four-mile races
    thoughts and looks and boring books
    yhe screams and cries
    of a life of lies
    she runs and runs
    till you wake and realize

    life is peach and apple pies
    fresh-baked pizza and crispy fries
    all those things you know you love
    and nothing you've ever been afraid of
    *******
    i'm particularly annoyed with the final line; nobody likes to end with a preposition.

    i just thought i would ask for any suggestions as to a possible rewording of the final lines; if you have any comments or other suggestions, they are absolutely welcome. like anyone, i prefer constructive criticism, but flames work too :), as long as you get your point across :).

    i'm still debating over whether to implement some form of punctuation into it to help you read it, but i am leaning against it. as with a lot of my poetry (none of which you have seen), i am keeping this in lower case.

    thanks guys :D :cool:
     
  2. King Cobra macrumors 603

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2002
    #2
    I would change the last two lines from

    "all those things you know you love
    and nothing you've ever been afraid of"

    to

    "all those things you love and know
    and nothing to make you look down low"

    or something more adjusting to your taste.
     
  3. shadowfax thread starter macrumors 603

    shadowfax

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2002
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    #3
    Thanks, King Cobra, that's a great suggestion. the last couplet was really ruining it :).
     
  4. scem0 macrumors 604

    scem0

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2002
    Location:
    back in NYC!
    #4
    Does this poem have a meter or is it following a specific rhyme scheme?
     
  5. scem0 macrumors 604

    scem0

    Joined:
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    Location:
    back in NYC!
    #5
    We see a hate filled world
    Impure from blind lust.
    We hear screams of fury
    With ears deaf to song.
    We feel immense sorrow
    In our hearts of stone.
    We overcome darkness
    With a touch of light.
    Where has truth and love gone?
    We just do not know.
     
  6. shadowfax thread starter macrumors 603

    shadowfax

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    Location:
    Houston, TX
    #6
    i haven't gotten analytical about the meter of the poem. as a general rule, it flows, except when i perform horribly, because i am not very good at this. the rhymes are put in when rhymes work... the only really forced rhyme is the last one, and boy, does it suck.
     
  7. shadowfax thread starter macrumors 603

    shadowfax

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Houston, TX
    #7
    that's a nice poem, except for the last line. that's about the biggest cliché in the history of our language, and it's made a lot worse by the "just." i think you should try to answer where they've gone, because, reading some stuff you've said on these forums, i have a feeling you have an opinion on just where truth and love have gone.

    not to be mean at all, i really do like your poem, but i think it have the same "ending" problem mine does.
     
  8. scem0 macrumors 604

    scem0

    Joined:
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    Location:
    back in NYC!
    #8
    yeah, the ending was definitely not the strong point.

    The whole 'we will never know' is very clicheic (is that the correct
    spelling?), but I just wanted to finish it. Oh well... :eek: ;)
     
  9. shadowfax thread starter macrumors 603

    shadowfax

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    Location:
    Houston, TX
    #9
    you'd just say "clichéd" :)
     
  10. scem0 macrumors 604

    scem0

    Joined:
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    Location:
    back in NYC!
    #10
    I see... I cant make tildes on my e's though because the whole
    alt number number number thing on PCs is just way too much
    for me. ;) .
     
  11. shadowfax thread starter macrumors 603

    shadowfax

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2002
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    #11
    i managed to come up with some more edits
    *******
    life to death
    names to faces

    hours of training and four-mile races
    thoughts and looks and boring books
    the screams and cries
    of a life of lies
    she runs and runs
    till you wake and realize

    life is peach and apple pies
    fresh-baked pizza and crispy fries
    everything you love and know
    and nothing to bring your spirits low
    ******
    last couplet slightly changed from King Cobra's recommendation,

    and this alternate for the last couplet:
    ******
    everything your heart holds dear
    and nothing to bring your spirit fear
    ******
     
  12. scem0 macrumors 604

    scem0

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    Jul 16, 2002
    Location:
    back in NYC!
    #12
    I think that is the only line that you need to work on now.
     
  13. shadowfax thread starter macrumors 603

    shadowfax

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2002
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    #13
    you're on a PC? on a mac (you probably know), you just do the "option-e" thing. i just fell in love with that feature when i noticed. i understand foregoing tildés, umlauts, and so on from PC users. having to pull out a character map in MS Word just to make a single word right is really lame. :)
     
  14. shadowfax thread starter macrumors 603

    shadowfax

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    Sep 6, 2002
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    #14
    i can imagine it could be better (of course), but what do you see is wrong with it?
     
  15. scem0 macrumors 604

    scem0

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2002
    Location:
    back in NYC!
    #15
    it just doesnt flow well.

    Yeah, making wierd ascii symbols on a PC is hell but Im getting better:

    ¤ŽÈ’ÊŒÄÃÅÆÈ?’¸|ñŸ

    but those were all just random numbers off the keypad. I wasn't
    trying to make those specific characters... :eek: ;)
     
  16. shadowfax thread starter macrumors 603

    shadowfax

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2002
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    #16
    life to death
    names to faces

    hours of training and endless races
    thoughts and looks and boring books
    the screams and cries
    of a life of lies
    she runs and runs
    till you open your eyes

    life is peach and apple pies
    fresh-baked pizza and crispy fries
    everything your heart holds dear
    and nothing to bring your spirit fear
    •••••••
    changed the line for you, emerson, along with some other changes in diction. i think this changes the poem in a lot of ways--making a real split between the last two stanzas for one, but also altering some of the imagery with the girl running.

    just out of curiosity, how did you interpret this poem?
     
  17. vniow macrumors G4

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2002
    Location:
    I accidentally my whole location.
    #17
    The first stanza makes the connections, life to death and names to faces.
    It connects the 2nd and 3rd stanzas together also.

    The second stanza seems like a harsh reality that the girl is trying to get away from and at the same time looking for someone to help her.

    And the third stanza is the fantasy, the ideal version of life which is the complete opposite of the second stanza, seems like the girl is trying to run towards that but she's not getting anywhere.


    Why a girl, BTW?
     
  18. shadowfax thread starter macrumors 603

    shadowfax

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2002
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    #18
    that's a good interpretation, if not precisely what i had in mind. i think the first stanza sets the scene of process. a means to an end, if you will.

    she's not a girl. she's you. i used a girl because this poem is written for a friend of mine.

    the second stanza is definitely harsh reality, but the third isn't exactly fantasy of idealism. the first thing i thought of was, say, from The Sound of Music, "brown paper packages." life is full of a lot of things, but it's an admonition to focus on the things you love, the things that make you smile.

    the two stanzas are also connected by the running image, though. you chase happiness mindlessly, perhaps, just a vain search, and it's really just right there with you, intermingled with the bad.

    thanks, vniow!
     
  19. King Cobra macrumors 603

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2002
    #19
    scem, a dedicated PC user will tell you ALT-1-3-whatever for almost every "punctuation" you can think of. A not so dedicated PC user will have a tough time printing a Spanish essay. Muháhahahaha.

    ßåç|< †ø pøꆮ¥... :D

    I see the poem almost representing the average human being. Don't beat yourself down, basically. Move on away from depression and fear.
     
  20. shadowfax thread starter macrumors 603

    shadowfax

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    Sep 6, 2002
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    #20
    that's what i had in mind :D
     
  21. shadowfax thread starter macrumors 603

    shadowfax

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2002
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    #21
    î'∂ bé ßç®éwë∂ øñ m¥ gé®måñ éßßå¥ß, †øø.

    anyways, i'm in search of a title now. this is another one of my horrible suits.

    "Selective Memory" seemed a little bit off, somehow, and i can't think of images or what to pull out of the poem itself to make a title from. any ideas?
     
  22. shadowfax thread starter macrumors 603

    shadowfax

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2002
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    #22
    finally got myself a title to work with:

    : junk food joie de vivre

    : life to death
    : names to faces

    : hours of training and four-mile races
    : thoughts and looks and boring books
    : the screams and cries
    : of a life of lies
    : she runs and runs
    : till you open your eyes

    : life is peach and apple pies
    : fresh-baked pizza and crispy fries
    : everything your heart holds dear
    : and nothing to bring your spirit fear


    thoughts?
     
  23. krossfyter macrumors 601

    krossfyter

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2002
    Location:
    secret city
    #23
    good poem shadowfax! if it were a food it would taste bitter sweet!

    keep up the good work.


    :D
     
  24. drastik macrumors 6502a

    drastik

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2002
    Location:
    Nashvegas
    #24
    hey y'all

    my new Lit site has a section for poetry. If any of you want to have your stuff published, let me know. Love the piece Shadowfax
     
  25. King Cobra macrumors 603

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2002
    #25
    drastik, the poems you seem to accept, according to the guidelines, are either allowing or requesting short/brief poems. I write pretty long ones and are more lyrical than anything else. The poems I have recently made are around two or three pages in a standard Appleworks text document. Is that too long?
     

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