Santa Claus Sucks

[rdowns]

So I woke up Christmas morning all tingly with excitement to see what Santa left me. As I woke, a funky odor greeted me; smelled like a NYC cab. OK, I figured the big guy worked pretty hard last night and suffered a slight deodorant failure. A few spritzes of Oust didn't do much to hide the odor. Walk into the bathroom for my morning relief and a huge turd (yule log?) is sitting in the bowl. Santa did a # 2 in my bowl and didn't flush. OK, he didn't want to wake us. A flush and some more Oust.

Walking to the living room in my bare feet and cookie crumbs were sticking to them. The fat bastard got crumbs all over the place. OK, he was busy and in a hurry. I asked for a dustbuster as mine died a month or so ago. I know the big guy will come through.

Taking a few more steps and a new odor hit me. I see these big brown stains on my new carpet. WTF? Reindeer poop all over the place. This is just too much. Am I asking too much for the fat guy to wipe his feet before entering my house? In the spirit of the season, I take a deep breath (ooh, bad mistake) and move on. Besides, if you look at the stains from just the right angle, they look like pretty little snowflakes (except they're brown) falling from the sky (except the carpet is gray).

Finally I see some gifts. I go to the one from my aunt (dustbuster on my list) and she gets me this dustbuster clone that looks like it'll break if I touch it.

I see a gift from my girlfriend. I rip it open to find a copy of PhotoShop (for Windows). Aw, thank you honey. I can't wait to hit CompUSA the day after Christmas to exchange it for a version that will actually run on my computer.

I know it'll all be better later when I go to see my niece and nephew. Spoiled brats have everything in the world and appreciate nothing but hey, it's all about the kids, right?

Hope you all have a great Christmas.

 

[Deepdale]

Walk into the bathroom for my morning relief and a huge turd (yule log?) is sitting in the bowl. Santa did a # 2 in my bowl and didn't flush.

Walking to the living room in my bare feet and cookie crumbs were sticking to them. The fat bastard got crumbs all over the place.

I needed a good laugh this morning ... thanks. Merry Christmas to all.

 

[kretzy]

Very creative, though would I be right in saying that some of this is based on a true story?

 

[Cooknn]

Reminds me of a story once told by a married friend. He said you know the love affair is over when the wife takes a dump in the bathroom while you're in the shower

 

[kretzy]

Reminds me of a story once told by a married friend. He said you know the love affair is over when the wife takes a dump in the bathroom while you're in the shower

eww, no wonder the divorce rate is so high!

 

[Deepdale]

Very creative, though would I be right in saying that some of this is based on a true story?

Let's hope so ... if not, then my belief in the existence of the tooth fairy will quickly skyrocket. Just wondering if this thread will become a general dumping ground as the day progresses.

 

[rdowns]

Very creative, though would I be right in saying that some of this is based on a true story?

Yep, some parts were true.

 

[kretzy]

Yep, some parts were true.

Just as I suspected. Have a Merry Christmas anyway! Christmas JUST finished a minute ago here so I suppose I should be saying happy Boxing Day?

 

[iSaint]

I hope there are no 7 year olds reading this thread...

 

[7254278]

Windows !!!! I woulda stoped smellin the crap and smelt divorce!

 

[haiggy]

Heh, don't worry... my Christmas was just as bad.
Every year since about 3 or so years ago, it has been a disappointment because I think I'm too old to enjoy it now. I don't even want to get up in the morning to see the presents. I think I'm starting to hate Christmas...

I try to keep thinking about how it's the thought that counts, and how I am fortunate to have what I do, but boxers, socks, 30 blank cds, a cheap XBox game, a cheap DVD and some cheap board game, a housecoat, pajama pants, $60 (Canadian, if that makes a difference) and a stocking just don't seem to make me very happy. Oh, don't forget the gloves that I don't need and a thermos... wtf? It sounds like a lot I guess, but in reality it just isn't. It's a lot of small value items. If you can carry all your presents including your stocking in two hands all the way up from your basement to your bedroom, it can't be good.

I never want to tell my friends what I got, because I feel so bad about it. Everyone brags about how their parents spend $400+ on them, yet I get $150. Again, this is all Canadian... if it makes a difference. It would be so much easier if there was no Christmas.

My parents could easily spend more than $150 on us, but they choose not to because they think it is too much. If they spent it on fewer, more expensive things that I needed and wanted, I think it would be better. I've always wanted something big, like an iPod or something else... it just never comes and I know it never will. I try to be thankful but it's hard.

Christmas sucks... Santa too...

 

[rdowns]

Heh, don't worry... my Christmas was just as bad.
Every year since about 3 or so years ago, it has been a disappointment because I think I'm too old to enjoy it now. I don't even want to get up in the morning to see the presents. I think I'm starting to hate Christmas...

I try to keep thinking about how it's the thought that counts, and how I am fortunate to have what I do, but boxers, socks, 30 blank cds, a cheap XBox game, a cheap DVD and some cheap board game, a housecoat, pajama pants, $60 (Canadian, if that makes a difference) and a stocking just don't seem to make me very happy. Oh, don't forget the gloves that I don't need and a thermos... wtf? It sounds like a lot I guess, but in reality it just isn't. It's a lot of small value items. If you can carry all your presents including your stocking in two hands all the way up from your basement to your bedroom, it can't be good.

I never want to tell my friends what I got, because I feel so bad about it. Everyone brags about how their parents spend $400+ on them, yet I get $150. Again, this is all Canadian... if it makes a difference. It would be so much easier if there was no Christmas.

My parents could easily spend more than $150 on us, but they choose not to because they think it is too much. If they spent it on fewer, more expensive things that I needed and wanted, I think it would be better. I've always wanted something big, like an iPod or something else... it just never comes and I know it never will. I try to be thankful but it's hard.

Christmas sucks... Santa too...

Geez dude, it's Christmas, lighten up. Gotta run, my new Christmas watch says I should be filling up my girlfriend's new Christmas iPod nano with some tunes.

 

[zap2]

My xMas was good. Got all cash with a Green Day Shirt, Queen Shirt, iPod Nano Shirt and Apple T-Shirt, some other stuff.

But it RAINING!!! Raining on xMas ! Thats a sad! i live in a place were it normal cold, cold enough to snow and i could have a white xMas but it not cold enought!(and my iMac g5 is broken but i have AppleCare so it not a big deal)

RAIN

 

[Les Kern]

Sorry to the west coast.
My alarm went off about 2:30 am. Half asleep, I ran downstairs with my Ruger Mini-30 and blasted what I THOUGHT was a burgler. After emptying two clips, I flicked on the light....
Took me all damn morning to clean the gore up before my daughter woke up. Nothing smells quite like a sack full of Santa entrails, brain matter and assorted reindeer parts.
So to the folks out west, Merry Christmas.

 

[Les Kern]

Heh, don't worry... my Christmas was just as bad.
Every year since about 3 or so years ago, it has been a disappointment because I think I'm too old to enjoy it now. I don't even want to get up in the morning to see the presents. I think I'm starting to hate Christmas...

I try to keep thinking about how it's the thought that counts, and how I am fortunate to have what I do, but boxers, socks, 30 blank cds, a cheap XBox game, a cheap DVD and some cheap board game, a housecoat, pajama pants, $60 (Canadian, if that makes a difference) and a stocking just don't seem to make me very happy. Oh, don't forget the gloves that I don't need and a thermos... wtf? It sounds like a lot I guess, but in reality it just isn't. It's a lot of small value items. If you can carry all your presents including your stocking in two hands all the way up from your basement to your bedroom, it can't be good.

I never want to tell my friends what I got, because I feel so bad about it. Everyone brags about how their parents spend $400+ on them, yet I get $150. Again, this is all Canadian... if it makes a difference. It would be so much easier if there was no Christmas.

My parents could easily spend more than $150 on us, but they choose not to because they think it is too much. If they spent it on fewer, more expensive things that I needed and wanted, I think it would be better. I've always wanted something big, like an iPod or something else... it just never comes and I know it never will. I try to be thankful but it's hard.

Christmas sucks... Santa too...

You have lost your perspective my friend. Christmas isn't about YOU and how much stuff YOU got. I don't know how old you are, but know this: It gets BETTER as you age. NOTHING brings me more happiness then getting my daughter something off that list she made for Santa. I LOVE getting just the right thing for my sisters or my mom or my wife.
Give, not take. Make love, not greed.

 

[haiggy]

You have lost your perspective my friend. Christmas isn't about YOU and how much stuff YOU got. I don't know how old you are, but know this: It gets BETTER as you age. NOTHING brings me more happiness then getting my daughter something off that list she made for Santa. I LOVE getting just the right thing for my sisters or my mom or my wife.
Give, not take. Make love, not greed.

Trust me, I understand that. I'm only 16 btw...

I love giving presents... it's just that when I don't get what I want back, it's kind of upsetting. I know I'm overreacting but that's just what I do. I'm sure if I had a daughter to buy for, then I would enjoy Christmas more. It's just that right now it's not what I want it to be.

 

[Kobushi]

Trust me, I understand that. I'm only 16 btw...

I love giving presents... it's just that when I don't get what I want back, it's kind of upsetting.

Statements like this make me reasonably sure you don't understand.

You need to give without any thought of remuneration or expectations. Comparing your loot to what your friends get is pointless. I used to be jealous of all my friends whose parents spent way more money on them then my parents did on me. In fact, your parents spend way more money on you than mine ever did on me. I suppose the silver lining is that I have seen how my spoiled friends turned out. I'm much better off

 

[Kobushi]

Now, to inject a bit more humor into the holiday, here's a card my mum sent me.

 

[haiggy]

Statements like this make me reasonably sure you don't understand.

You need to give without any thought of remuneration or expectations. Comparing your loot to what your friends get is pointless. I used to be jealous of all my friends whose parents spent way more money on them then my parents did on me. In fact, your parents spend way more money on you than mine ever did on me. I suppose the silver lining is that I have seen how my spoiled friends turned out. I'm much better off

I guess you're right. My day is slowly getting better, and this thread is helping a lot. I guess I learned something this year.

 

[haiggy]

Now, to inject a bit more humor into the holiday, here's a card my mum sent me.

Nice card

 

[jelloshotsrule]

NOTHING brings me more happiness then getting my daughter something off that list she made for Santa.

why would YOU get something off the list for SANTA?

wasting money getting what the elves have already made for her..

dumbass

 

[bartelby]

I read the original post and all I can think is:

Ungrateful f**k.

 

[jdechko]

If you can carry all your presents including your stocking in two hands all the way up from your basement to your bedroom, it can't be good.

<Sarcasm>Heavens yes, because a 15" powerbook (which I believe could be carried in 2 hands along with a stocking -- and not that it happened to me, but it would have been nice) is a horrible Christmas gift. </Sarcasm>

 

[Sun Baked]

I read the original post and all I can think is:

Ungrateful f**k.

I know... think of all the money you could have made selling the Santa leftovers on eBay.

 

[2nyRiggz]

u know this was funny when i saw it xmas day but its still funny when i opened it up. good stuff.....love the timmy letter.


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