Sharing a joke

Discussion in 'Community' started by Deepdale, Sep 8, 2005.

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  1. Deepdale macrumors 68000

    Deepdale

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    #1
    A young man walks into the church confessional and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

    The priest asks, "Is that you, Tommy Shaugnessey?"

    "Yes, Father, it is."

    "And who was the woman you were with?"

    "Surely I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

    "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

    "I cannot say."

    "Was it Patricia Kelly?"

    "I'll never tell."

    "Was it Liz Shannon?"

    "I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

    "Was it Cathy Morgan?"

    "My lips are sealed."

    "Was it Fiona McDonald?"

    "Please, Father, I truly cannot reveal that to you."

    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I do admire that. But you've sinned and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with yourself now."

    Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

    "Three month's vacation and five really good leads," said Tommy with a contented smile.
     
  2. mad jew Moderator emeritus

    mad jew

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  3. EGT macrumors 68000

    EGT

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    #3
    Lets make this the official joke thread.

    A lion walk into a bar and says "Excuse me may I .........................................................................have a beer"

    The bartender asks "Why the big paws?"

    Thank you, Thank you! :cool:
     
  4. Shaun.P macrumors 68000

    Shaun.P

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    #4
    What's black and screams?

    Stevie Wonder answering the iron!

    Please nobody take offense to this joke, it is simple a joke I was told.
     
  5. EGT macrumors 68000

    EGT

    Joined:
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    #5
    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

    When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

    When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had received a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

    The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the
    engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

    The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust pipe!”

    I'll get me coat :(
     
  6. Deepdale thread starter macrumors 68000

    Deepdale

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    #6
    One day, a mother walks by her young son's room and sees little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they are married.

    A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks.

    "Great Mom," little Johnny cheerfully replies. "So far, I've saved nearly a pint!"
     
  7. EGT macrumors 68000

    EGT

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    Sep 4, 2003
    #7
    hahaha

    Ok, here's another.

    A couple out on their first date are parked up by the river on the outskirts of town. Things soon get frisky and the man slips a hand onto the woman's breasts.
    "I probably should have mentioned this before" she says, halting his advances, "but i'm actually a prostitute - if you want to have full sex, it'll cost you £20".
    Less than impressed, the man agrees and enjoys some of the best sex he's ever had. A good half hour later, it's over, and the pair are dressed but the engine is still silent.
    "How about starting this thing and taking me home?" suggests the woman.
    "I probably should have mentioned this before" confesses the man, "I'm a taxi driver - it's 30 quid back into town"

    So easily amused! :rolleyes:
     
  8. Deepdale thread starter macrumors 68000

    Deepdale

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    #8
    Good one ... a stellar example of turnabout fair play. :)
     
  9. iGary Guest

    iGary

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    Randy's House
    #9
    What's red and spins around really fast?


    A baby in a blender. :D :eek: :confused:
     
  10. Deepdale thread starter macrumors 68000

    Deepdale

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    #10
    A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

    "Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. What's up with you?" says the bartender.

    "Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

    "That's terrible pal ... the next drink is on the house."

    So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.

    "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

    "I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce now!"

    "Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

    "Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said ... BAD DOG!"
     
  11. skunk macrumors G4

    skunk

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    #11
    Did you hear about the maggots who were talking in dead earnest?
     
  12. Deepdale thread starter macrumors 68000

    Deepdale

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    #12
    One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

    "What's wrong dearest?" asked the confused husband.

    "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with an erotic magazine! What ever are we going to do?"

    "Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"
     
  13. oldschool macrumors 65816

    oldschool

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    #13


    AHAHHAHAHAH
     
  14. Deepdale thread starter macrumors 68000

    Deepdale

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    New York
    #14
    A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.
    She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

    After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

    "Oh ... he is breast fed!" replied the woman.

    "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

    She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

    The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says, "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

    The woman, with a very wry grin on her face, responds. "Well, of course, I don't. I'm his aunt - but I am sure glad I brought him in!"
     
  15. EGT macrumors 68000

    EGT

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    #15
    A burglar broke into a house looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you."

    He nearly jumped out of his skin. When he heard nothing else, he began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

    Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

    "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

    "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you".

    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"

    "Moses," replied the bird.

    "Moses" the burglar laughed.

    "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

    The bird answered: "Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller "Jesus".
     
  16. mad jew Moderator emeritus

    mad jew

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  17. feakbeak macrumors 6502a

    feakbeak

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    Location:
    Michigan
    #17
    Two rednecks are hunting in the woods. All of a sudden one of them drops to the ground and is unconscious. The other redneck calls 911 for help.

    911 Operator: "911, What's the emergency?"

    Redneck: "My friend just dropped to the ground and is not responding. I think he's dead."

    911 Operator: "Alright, the first thing we need to do is make sure if he's dead or not."

    Redneck: "Okay, hold on."

    *gun shot heard*

    Redneck: "Now what?"
     
  18. EGT macrumors 68000

    EGT

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    #18
    Read out aloud :D

    Q. What do you call a donkey with one leg?
    A. A wonky donkey

    -

    Q. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
    A. A winky wonky donkey

    -

    Q. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?
    A. A bonky winky wonky donkey

    -

    Q. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while
    breaking wind?
    A. A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

    -

    Q. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while
    breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?
    A. A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

    -

    Q. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while
    breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
    A. A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

    Good night! :p
     
  19. homerjward macrumors 68030

    homerjward

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    fig tree
    #19
    a guy walks into a bar and orders six shots of vodka. he drinks them quickly in succession and looks really upset. the bartender asks "what's wrong?" the guy says "i just had my first blowjob." the bartender says "congratulations! how 'bout a free drink?" the guy says "thanks, but if that didn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
     
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