So, I have a cold...can you tell a joke?

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by ghall, Mar 12, 2007.

  1. ghall macrumors 68040

    ghall

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2006
    Location:
    Rhode Island
    #1
    Yes, I have a nasty cold, and I'm unable to attend school today, so i am very lonely. Thank God (or Al Gore?) for the internet!

    Well anyway, they say laughter is the best medicine, so if anyone has any good jokes, now would be a great time to share them.

    Rules:
    1. They must be funny.
    2. There are no more rules.
    3. Except for "have fun!"
     
  2. Sun Baked macrumors G5

    Sun Baked

    Joined:
    May 19, 2002
    #2
    Nope, sorry no jokes here.

    Especially since you wouldn't be able to understand any of them when you are under the influence of Nyquil.
     
  3. ghall thread starter macrumors 68040

    ghall

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2006
    Location:
    Rhode Island
    #3
    Well, your siggy made me laugh. :D
     
  4. furcalchick macrumors 68020

    furcalchick

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2006
    Location:
    South Florida
    #4
    one day, a well dressed man goes to the checkout line of his local supermarket, and as usual, the cashier scans the items and rings up his total. but then, the man gives her an iou slip.

    "why are you giving me this?"

    "i don't have any money", he said.

    "how can you have no money, you look like you would earn alot of cash. what is your job anyway?"

    "well, i'm a broker." he said.
     
  5. kretzy macrumors 604

    kretzy

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2004
    Location:
    Canberra, Australia
    #5
    Ok, I'll give you a blonde joke...

    3 blondes were walking through the forest and they come across some tracks. The first blonde says that they looked like deer tracks. The second says they look more like bear tracks. Before the third blonde could give her opinion they were all hit by a train.

    :rolleyes:
     
  6. MP4-22 macrumors member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2007
    Location:
    Illinois
    #6
    Here's a joke I heard from my friends,

    "I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut itself"
     
  7. SkyBell macrumors 604

    SkyBell

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2006
    Location:
    Texas, unfortunately.
    #7
    A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

    The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

    Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

    As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."


    Haha, those are great.:)
     
  8. heehee macrumors 68020

    heehee

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2006
    Location:
    Same country as Santa Claus
    #8
    These always make me laugh. :D

    LITTLE TONY ON MATH

    A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
    you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
    TONY.

    He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

    The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
    thinking."

    Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

    There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

    One is delicately licking the si des of the triple scoop of ice cream.
    The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

    The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

    Which one is married?"
    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
    that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

    To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
    wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

    LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)

    Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

    "Why?" asks the father?

    "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

    "But that's right!" says his dad.

    "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

    "What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.

    "That's what I said!"

    LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

    Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
    to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
    multi-syllable word?"

    TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

    Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

    Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

    LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

    Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
    All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss
    Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

    The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
    this situation.
    The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
    Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
    allow you to go."

    Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
    you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

    LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

    One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
    of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
    sentence twice.

    First, she called! on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
    bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

    "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
    Michael.

    "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

    She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
    little TONY.

    "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
    pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!'"

    LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

    Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
    another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
    "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
    you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

    Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

    The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
    Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business.
     
  9. SkyBell macrumors 604

    SkyBell

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2006
    Location:
    Texas, unfortunately.
    #9
    I love the grammar part two and the math part two. Surprised the kid hasn't been expelled yet. :)

    Feeling better yet, ghall? I'm on spring break right now, so I have LOTS of time to entertain the members of MR.;) :p :D
     
  10. ghall thread starter macrumors 68040

    ghall

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2006
    Location:
    Rhode Island
    #10
    Yes, feeling better. Thanks for asking.

    BTW, I love the jokes.
     
  11. lancestraz macrumors 6502a

    lancestraz

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2005
    Location:
    RI
    #11
    A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

    After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

    While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

    "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
     
  12. twoodcc macrumors P6

    twoodcc

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2005
    Location:
    Right side of wrong
    #12
    there once was a boy named buttitches. he went to school, and when asked his name, he replied, "Buttitches". The kids didn't believe him, and keep asking for his real name.

    Finally, one kid said, "If you say your name is Buttitches one more time, I'm gonna push you off this cliff." And so he said his name was Buttitches, and he was pushed off the cliff and died.

    At his funeral, his mom was crying and stated, " Oh my poor Buttitches!"

    and the preacher replied, "Well scratch it."
     
  13. xlii macrumors 68000

    xlii

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2006
    Location:
    Millis, Massachusetts
    #13
    Moe: Did you hear about poor Sam?
    Joe: No.
    Moe: He fell out of an airplane.
    Joe: Oh my God!!!!
    Moe: Luckily he had a parachute on.
    Joe: Thank goodness!!!
    Moe: Unluckily the parachute failed to open.
    Joe: Horrors!!!!
    Moe: Luckily there was a haystack in the field below.
    Joe: He's saved!!!
    Moe: Unluckily there is a pitchfork sticking up out of the haystack.
    Joe: Horrors!!!!
    Moe: Luckily he missed the pitchfork.
    Joe: Thank Heavens!!!!
    Moe: Unluckily he also missed the haystack.

    Moe & Joe: Poor Sam!!!!

    Moe: Hey Joe, haven't seen you in a long time... what's up?
    Joe: I just married the most beautiful girl in the world.
    Moe: That's wonderful!
    Joe: No it isn't, she meaner than a badger.
    Moe: Awww... that's terrible!
    Joe: No it isn't, she's a multimillionare.
    Moe: That's wonderful!
    Joe: No it isn't, she pinches every nickel till the buffalo bellows.
    (edit: that's how old this joke is)
    Moe: Awww... that's terrible!
    Joe: No it isn't, she has a 100 room mansion by the ocean.
    Moe: That's wonderful!
    Joe: No it isn't, the mansion burned down last night.
    Moe: Awww... that's terrible!
    Joe: No it isn't, my wife was in it.
     
  14. ghall thread starter macrumors 68040

    ghall

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2006
    Location:
    Rhode Island
    #14
    It gave me a worse headache, but it was funny.
     
  15. nickster9224 macrumors 6502a

    nickster9224

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2006
    Location:
    35 Miles From Chicago, Illinois
  16. MongoTheGeek macrumors 68040

    MongoTheGeek

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2003
    Location:
    Its not so much where you are as when you are.
    #16
    I remembered this joke watching "The Black Donelleys"

    What's the difference between and Irish Wedding and an Irish Wake?

    One less drunk.
     
  17. zflauaus macrumors 65816

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2004
    #17
    These are great! Even though these aren't for me.:eek:
     
  18. ghall thread starter macrumors 68040

    ghall

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2006
    Location:
    Rhode Island
    #18
    Don't be silly. They're for everyone! :D

    BTW, I still have a cold, so if you still have jokes let's hear em!
     
  19. xlii macrumors 68000

    xlii

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2006
    Location:
    Millis, Massachusetts
    #19
    Father Murphy had a small rural parish. He decided to raise some money and someone suggested they buy a racehorse and race it at the track. It was a poor parish and could only afford an old donkey. So he bought the donkey and entered it in a race. The donkey came in third.

    The bishop opened his morning paper. The headlines read:

    FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS!

    The Donkey enters another race and comes in first.

    The bishop opens his paper and the headlines now read:

    FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT!

    The donkey enters another race and comes in second.

    The bishop now opens the mornings paper to read:

    FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE!

    The Bishop has had enough and tells Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. The next day the Bishop opens the morning paper and reads:

    FATHER MURPHY SELLS HIS ASS!

    Calling hours will be on Thursday for the Bishop's wake.
     
  20. xlii macrumors 68000

    xlii

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2006
    Location:
    Millis, Massachusetts
    #20
    A poor farmer sells his horse for $100 and promises to deliver the horse tomorrow. The next day he calls the farmer who bought the horse and tells him the bad news... over the night the horse died. No problem, the buyer says... just return my money. Well, the seller said, I've spent it all. The buyer then asks for the dead horse. I bought it and I want it.

    A few weeks later they meet in town. "How's that dead horse working out for you?" asked the seller. "Just great.. I made a profit of $894 from it."

    I bought a dead horse from you for $100 dollars. Then I had 1000 lottery tickets printed up for $5. I held a raffle for horse with each ticket costing
    $1.

    Wait a minute asked the first farmer, wasn't the winner upset when he found out that the horse was dead?

    He sure was... so I gave him back his dollar.
     
  21. Vader macrumors 65816

    Vader

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2004
    Location:
    St. Louis, MO
    #21
    A guy in a bar bets the bartender $1000 that he can bite his own left eye. The bartender takes him up on it. The customer pulls out his glass eye and clamps his teeth down on it. The bartender smacks himself upside the head, wondering how he could have fallen for something so obvious. He's down a thousand. The customer bets the bartender another $1000 that he can bite his right eye. The bartender figures that this guy isn't blind, so his right eye couldn't be fake too. Bartender accepts the bet. Customer pulls out his false teeth and clamps them down on his right eye. The bartender, now down $2000, is furious with himself. Customer, appearing a little guilty for taking in the poor bartender, offers him a chance to get his money back. The customer bets the bartender $5000 that he can stand up on the end of the bar and piss into a beer mug located at the other end of the bar without getting a drop anywhere but in the mug. The bartender puzzles over this for a minute. Looks at the bar. It's 20 feet from end to end. Bartender figures he can't possibly lose this one, and accepts the bet. The customer climbs up on the bar, spreads his legs apart, zips open his fly, pulls out his [tool], and proceeds to soak the bar with piss, spraying wildly every which way. He makes a total mess, Piss is dripping down the edge of the bar making disgusting little piss puddles on the floor. The bartender is thrilled. He starts dancing around with his arms raised over his head, lets out a "Whoo-hooo!" and he's all smiles and laughter. Then he stops, and says to the customer, "How come you made such a stupid bet? You didn't even try to hit the mug. You're down $3000 and it's like you just gave it away." The customer, zipping up, says, "Well, not exactly. I bet that guy over in the corner $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and that you would cheer after I did it."

    Not exactly the way I've heard it, but I didn't feel like typing it all out myself, so I just looked up a similar one.
     
  22. monke macrumors 65816

    monke

    Joined:
    May 30, 2005
    #22
    If you really want to laugh, just watch this. Watch the whole thing to actually get what is happening. It will make you laugh though.


    Get better. :)
     
  23. MartyMoe macrumors regular

    #23
    Oh man.

    I have had a rotten week at work, and that was just the perfect antidote.

    My neighbors are probably wondering what I am watching...
     
  24. IJ Reilly macrumors P6

    IJ Reilly

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2002
    Location:
    Palookaville
    #24
    Did you hear about the two Australians who walked out of a bar?

    Don't laugh -- it could happen!
     
  25. mac-convert macrumors 6502a

    mac-convert

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2006
    Location:
    Are we there yet?
    #25
    A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

    The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

    "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

    "It's worth a try," he says.

    So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

    "What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

    "You gave birth to a child."

    "But that's impossible!"

    "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

    About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

    The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

    The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
     

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