So we made through the first year...

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by floriflee, May 29, 2006.

  1. floriflee macrumors 68030

    floriflee

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2004
    #1
    The hubby and I hit a big milestone this last weekend. It was our one year anniversary. Happy Anniversary to Us! Yea! :)

    I've been reflecting on the last year, and I can kind of see why they say that the first year is hard. It's full of tough times and adjustments that you may never expect or thought would be so hard to make. We've had our share of those moments, but overall we're still happy together. Some things we've learned over the last year:

    1. Communicate, communicate, communicate!
    This is a skill that too often gets taken for granted. While you may be good at communicating with each other before you tie the knot, it becomes all that much more important after you actually do the deed. Don't take for granted that the other person understands you and knows how you feel or what you think. In some situations, you'll be able to get by with that, but others can cause some real issues if you don't pipe up about what you really think/need/want. Both parties need to take part in communicating to make sure that things are clear and understood. We've come a long way with that one over the last year, but are still working on perfecting it.

    2. Learn to compromise.
    As much as you like having things your way, you will need to make yourself okay with budging from your position. While you may think that your way of doing things is the best way to do them, you have to learn to open your eyes to other possibilities. Even if you still prefer your way after considering your spouse's way you may just have to let sleeping dogs lie sometimes. Choose your battles wisely. Of the two of us, I am the one that has had to work on this one the most, I think.

    3. Breathe.
    You are going to get into arguments. This is inevitable. When it happens, learn to breathe deeply before saying or doing anything. During these arguments you may get thoughts of how much easier it would be if you were independent again. Again, breathe deeply. If necessary, walk away and go take a walk to think about what has happened or what has just been said. Try to remember why you married the person in the first place. (Hopefully, it wasn't because you just thought they were beautiful or perfect. ;)) Remember that arguments are not necessarily a sign that the marriage isn't worth it--it just means you didn't marry a clone of yourself so you have to deal with differing opinions. I say this more because I have too often heard people talk about how marriage is bliss if you are "right for each other." Bliss it may be at times, but it will still have it's not-so-nice moments.

    4. Keep the romance.
    It's very easy to get into a routine when you live together. Don't think that just because you're no longer just dating that those things don't matter. They do. Don't forget to schedule a little romance in there every now and then to keep things lively. Do something nice for each other and/or surprise each other every now and then (maybe when you think things are getting a little too routine). I have to say that one of my favorite things is when the hubby surprises me with a flower when he comes home.

    5. Talk about finances early.
    However you plan on combining your monies it's better to get that over with in the beginning so you both start off on the same page. It will make money talk down the road that much easier. Even if you hate talking about it (like I do), discuss your finances and any big purchases. We consult with each other about any purchase over $50--hey, he's been a poor starving grad student for a while so $50 is a big deal for us. :) As for allocating money, we have joint accounts, but then each have a monthly allowance that we can spend on whatever we want with no questions asked. Whatever doesn't get used one month rolls over to the next. It's simple, but it works for us.

    6. Don't expect perfection by the year's end.
    You and your spouse will not have it down pat and all figured out by any set time period. If you haven't figured each other out completely by the year's end don't fret it. You're in this for the long-haul so you have a lifetime together to do that. :)

    This is by no means a complete list. I mean, we've only been married a year so I'm sure there are many more things that could be learned by those who have been at it for longer than we have. I know it will be even more complicated when the kids start coming. Still, it's a start. :)
     
  2. TrenchMouth macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2002
    #2
    Sounds like sound advice. Congrats, and many more.
     
  3. yellow Moderator emeritus

    yellow

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2003
    Location:
    Portland, OR
    #3
    Congrats. My wife and I just celebrated our 2 year anniversary last weekend. :)
     
  4. 2nyRiggz macrumors 603

    2nyRiggz

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2005
    Location:
    Thank you Jah...I'm so Blessed
    #4
    Yayy!!! congrats!......now we need him to come on and see this.....hope you guys have many more....MANY.


    Bless
     
  5. bartelby macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2004
    #5
    Today is the 10th anniversary of when my wife and I met.
     
  6. floriflee thread starter macrumors 68030

    floriflee

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2004
    #6
    Congrats to all the others also celebrating recent anniversaries!
     
  7. nbs2 macrumors 68030

    nbs2

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2004
    Location:
    A geographical oddity
    #7
    Isn't it strange how when you find the right person, you manage to remember all those dates? Other girls I dated I couldn't remember our first date, etc. But, with Lori I remember all of those things (although I think she finds it creepy that I remember every step of the first several dates).

    Oh and I just thought of something:
    6. Forgive and forget: With most people, when they do something that bothers me or we get in an argument, I can move on, but I make sure to file away what happened and all surrounding issues. With Lori, when we do have the aforementioned arguments, I forget about them. As I was reading her post, I realized that I know we have argued, but I don't remember what about. I just remember that we try to be better to each other everyday. Forgetting about the actual conversation makes is easier to not bring up past issues when confronting a current problem. I imagine it has saved me many times from sofa-sleeping.

    On a side note, I thought I'd share a funny story that summarizes everything that we have learned this year. A few months after we got married, we had a disagreement about something. I didn't think it was a big deal, but Lori did. We make it a policy never to go to bed angry, so she was upset when I thought we had settled things and went to sleep (I was really tired and was out before I hit the pillow). She was up all night and ended up sleeping in the guest room for a few hours, but spent most of the night stewing. When I got up the next day, she was livid. Eventually we sorted out what had happened and realized that we needed to communicate issues we had. I don't remember what the problem was, but I know we haven't done anything like that since.
     
  8. MarkCollette macrumors 68000

    MarkCollette

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2003
    Location:
    Calgary, Canada
    #8
    That's awesome! Good luck through the next year.
     
  9. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2002
    Location:
    Location Location Location
    #9
    You bastard. You don't deserve her! *hits him with a pillow*


    Nah, just kidding. You 2 sound like you're really working at it and making it work. Marriage is about companionship, but reality is that you have to spend a LOT(!!) of time together, and I guess you've worked out how to deal with each other day in, day out. I think most people just let it flow --- "wing it," as they say --- without discussing much, and I think that's the wrong approach.
     
  10. iGary Guest

    iGary

    Joined:
    May 26, 2004
    Location:
    Randy's House
    #10
    Rob and I just celebrated 7 years. Yay.

    All of your advice is very good. We find at this stage in the relationship it's super-important not to let things settle into a rut - so we always try to do something different on the weekends or whenever we have free time.

    Communication is totally an ongoing issue. We tend to hold things in so we don't hurt the other person's feelings, but have gotten much better about it. We found that it is better to bring up something (even if its petty) and risk temporarily bothering the other personthan to hold it in until it is an issue.

    We fight about once every other month, but one of us usually ends up crying, which is better than what my folks used to do - yell at eachother and then one leaves in the car screeching rubber.

    Other than that, it's good to keep the, yeah, uh "romance" ;) going. I usually buy a bundle of flowers for his desk each week and he surprises me with random things...yesterday he bought home a desktop air conditioner from Sharper Image (my office can get warm - no AC vents).

    It does require work though.

    Congrats, Flor!
     
  11. floriflee thread starter macrumors 68030

    floriflee

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2004
    #11
    Spending a lot of time together is right, and you're guaranteed to get on each other's nerves after seeing each other day in and day out. Actively working at it, talking about things and keeping it real is definitely key. It's just a guess, but I suspect that a fair amount of marriages fail because they don't spend time together (or don't learn how to spend good time together) and just end up having completely separate lives with completely different goals.


    What about Neil(nbs2)? :D
     
  12. iGary Guest

    iGary

    Joined:
    May 26, 2004
    Location:
    Randy's House
    #12
    You're cuter. :p :D
     
  13. nbs2 macrumors 68030

    nbs2

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2004
    Location:
    A geographical oddity
    #13
    Ouch....So,are you not as gay as I thought, or am I really that unattractive? I must now go ponder...:(

    Well, at least Lori and Jesus still love me :D
     
  14. Caitlyn macrumors 6502a

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2005
    #14
    Congratulations! Well, those are all good things to learn, so I'm sure you two will be very happy. :)
     
  15. floriflee thread starter macrumors 68030

    floriflee

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2004
    #15
    Of course! It all makes sense now! But let's keep the hubby happy and say he's cute, too. Of course, he DOES get all the little teeny-boppers and little kids going ga-ga after him so I guess I should have my following, too. :D
     

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