ENJOY FOLKS! I got bored one day, front this frist part of a trilogy. Let me know what you want from part two...
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The dust settled at last. I thought that I had finally seen the last of my many battles. Hard memories would soon fade into nothingness...
But alas, I had forgotten my grandma's dentures.
"Curses," muttered I, "Foiled again by the King of Bacon."
Yes. That mad, lightly salted madman had left his oily streak once more. It was only a matter of time before his evil wrath would entrap the world in a tight bind of hate and cholesterol.
But not that good kind, he wasn't no Flora.
I jumped into the Batmobile, and drove away. Batman wouldn't be needed it. He was probably off dressing up Robin. That sick twisted old man. I didn't care though. The only thing that concerned me was ensuring that the Bacon King wouldn't get his fingers on the key to world domination.
I admit, paying my maid Patricia also somehow managed to occupy my mind as I hit fourth gear, tearing up the desert streets behind me.
But I knew there were more important things.
(Though she had worked that extra Saturday!)
It was a conundrum.
As I rounded the corner, suddenly the sky darkened.
Troubled, I took off my sunglasses and was relieved to find the sky clear again. Then, I realised something.
Santa doesn't like the sky.
I slammed the brakes on as hard as I could, as wave after wave of Shadow Hamster Ninjas fell from the heavens. The car thudded with each furry impact, and it skipped and skidded along the road until it screeched to a stop. A deathly silence fell. Even the mixtape with Biggie and Britney seemed to not be playing anymore. Strange.
It was too quiet.
Then it began.
The knawing. Like the sound of one thousand basket balls slamming into a nerd's head, it wouldn't stop.
I had to get out. There were just too many Shadow Hamsters to deal with trapped in this coffin of an automobile. I had to think of my options, but in the situation I was in, only a handelful were available to me. Obviously there were others. But they involved me dying at one point or another, or possibly getting an anal cavity search by Chuck Norris.
So like a roundhouse kick, they got booted from my mind quick.
'Hey,' I thought to myself over the nibbling that drew ever more frantic, 'That just rhymed.'
Kickass.
Watch out Jay-Z.
Returning my mind to a means of escape, I saw only one viable option. Every so often, a gap opened up between the seething mass of bodies that surrounded the car like some sick furry orgy. Every so often, I could see freedom. Taste it. Lick it.
But alas, the doors would not budge. No matter what I tried, they refused to open! I sighed as I grabbed my Glock from my side and held it at the windshield.
Stupid childlock. Never makes things easy.
The glass shattered like a thousand deadly knives, and exploded inwards, outwards, and all the way to next Tuesday. I was grateful that I had moisturised that morning with this new anti-aging, anti-'get your face cut up' cream.
Those crazy kids at Olay. They think of everything.
I leapt out onto the bonnet of the Batmobile, Hamster Ninjas surrounding me from every direction. I knew there was only one way I was going to make it out alive, nibble free.
What followed next was too graphic to describe even to a chess champion on crack. Fists, bullets, needles and the odd leprechaun too, they flew everywhere. I'm pretty sure at one point I stabbed Jack Nicholas in the eye with my little finger. The details were a blur, but one thing was certain.
The carnage was unstoppable.
As the dust settled, I surveyed the scene. I retched a little from the horrific mutilation surrounding me. I tasted a little bit of chicken there.
But you know what?
It tasted good.
But I had no ride, and I was down to my last round. I checked my pockets for anything that could help.
Pulling out a pack of playing cards, I suddenly had a brilliant idea.
Two hours later, the house of cards was complete.
I was the man. Admittedly, the house of cards had not much purpose, but I had proved myself to the dexterity gods that watched from above. That's what mattered.
But the dentures!
Where had they gone?
And my trousers!
Where had they gone as well?!?
Questions piled up, with answers nowhere to be seen.
Like my pants.
Which had also mysteriously disappeared in the last 30 seconds.
Maybe I was going crazy. Maybe I had forgotten to but them on at all this morning. Whatever the reason, as I stood naked in the road, I realised that I was in a somewhat sticky situation. Passers by would most likely be disturbed by my presence, and I was trying to infiltrate Bacon City without causing a scene. I needed clothes fast!
Success! Upon investigation of the boot of the Batmobile, I found a pair of nicely fitting combat trousers. Green in colour.
The colour of men.
And Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles.
I was about to close the boot when I discovered something that would help me immensely.
A horse! A ride to covertly slip into Bacon City undetected.
Pulling it out, and checking its teeth to ensure its health, I christened my new steed Moonshine. Leaping on, I smacked my heels into its side and rode into the night..
"Away Moonshine!" I cried, as I sped onwards.
Towards Bacon City.
Towards the dentures.
Towards the safety of the world, nay the universe.
Towards my destiny.
As Moonshine galloped away, the dust settled once more over its tracks.
The dust was doing that a lot that a lot recently.
And I had the gut feeling that it was going to be doing it a fair bit more as the night went on..
TO BE CONTINUED!!!
(Or not.)
(But most likely yes)
---------------------------------------------------------------
The dust settled at last. I thought that I had finally seen the last of my many battles. Hard memories would soon fade into nothingness...
But alas, I had forgotten my grandma's dentures.
"Curses," muttered I, "Foiled again by the King of Bacon."
Yes. That mad, lightly salted madman had left his oily streak once more. It was only a matter of time before his evil wrath would entrap the world in a tight bind of hate and cholesterol.
But not that good kind, he wasn't no Flora.
I jumped into the Batmobile, and drove away. Batman wouldn't be needed it. He was probably off dressing up Robin. That sick twisted old man. I didn't care though. The only thing that concerned me was ensuring that the Bacon King wouldn't get his fingers on the key to world domination.
I admit, paying my maid Patricia also somehow managed to occupy my mind as I hit fourth gear, tearing up the desert streets behind me.
But I knew there were more important things.
(Though she had worked that extra Saturday!)
It was a conundrum.
As I rounded the corner, suddenly the sky darkened.
Troubled, I took off my sunglasses and was relieved to find the sky clear again. Then, I realised something.
Santa doesn't like the sky.
I slammed the brakes on as hard as I could, as wave after wave of Shadow Hamster Ninjas fell from the heavens. The car thudded with each furry impact, and it skipped and skidded along the road until it screeched to a stop. A deathly silence fell. Even the mixtape with Biggie and Britney seemed to not be playing anymore. Strange.
It was too quiet.
Then it began.
The knawing. Like the sound of one thousand basket balls slamming into a nerd's head, it wouldn't stop.
I had to get out. There were just too many Shadow Hamsters to deal with trapped in this coffin of an automobile. I had to think of my options, but in the situation I was in, only a handelful were available to me. Obviously there were others. But they involved me dying at one point or another, or possibly getting an anal cavity search by Chuck Norris.
So like a roundhouse kick, they got booted from my mind quick.
'Hey,' I thought to myself over the nibbling that drew ever more frantic, 'That just rhymed.'
Kickass.
Watch out Jay-Z.
Returning my mind to a means of escape, I saw only one viable option. Every so often, a gap opened up between the seething mass of bodies that surrounded the car like some sick furry orgy. Every so often, I could see freedom. Taste it. Lick it.
But alas, the doors would not budge. No matter what I tried, they refused to open! I sighed as I grabbed my Glock from my side and held it at the windshield.
Stupid childlock. Never makes things easy.
The glass shattered like a thousand deadly knives, and exploded inwards, outwards, and all the way to next Tuesday. I was grateful that I had moisturised that morning with this new anti-aging, anti-'get your face cut up' cream.
Those crazy kids at Olay. They think of everything.
I leapt out onto the bonnet of the Batmobile, Hamster Ninjas surrounding me from every direction. I knew there was only one way I was going to make it out alive, nibble free.
What followed next was too graphic to describe even to a chess champion on crack. Fists, bullets, needles and the odd leprechaun too, they flew everywhere. I'm pretty sure at one point I stabbed Jack Nicholas in the eye with my little finger. The details were a blur, but one thing was certain.
The carnage was unstoppable.
As the dust settled, I surveyed the scene. I retched a little from the horrific mutilation surrounding me. I tasted a little bit of chicken there.
But you know what?
It tasted good.
But I had no ride, and I was down to my last round. I checked my pockets for anything that could help.
Pulling out a pack of playing cards, I suddenly had a brilliant idea.
Two hours later, the house of cards was complete.
I was the man. Admittedly, the house of cards had not much purpose, but I had proved myself to the dexterity gods that watched from above. That's what mattered.
But the dentures!
Where had they gone?
And my trousers!
Where had they gone as well?!?
Questions piled up, with answers nowhere to be seen.
Like my pants.
Which had also mysteriously disappeared in the last 30 seconds.
Maybe I was going crazy. Maybe I had forgotten to but them on at all this morning. Whatever the reason, as I stood naked in the road, I realised that I was in a somewhat sticky situation. Passers by would most likely be disturbed by my presence, and I was trying to infiltrate Bacon City without causing a scene. I needed clothes fast!
Success! Upon investigation of the boot of the Batmobile, I found a pair of nicely fitting combat trousers. Green in colour.
The colour of men.
And Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles.
I was about to close the boot when I discovered something that would help me immensely.
A horse! A ride to covertly slip into Bacon City undetected.
Pulling it out, and checking its teeth to ensure its health, I christened my new steed Moonshine. Leaping on, I smacked my heels into its side and rode into the night..
"Away Moonshine!" I cried, as I sped onwards.
Towards Bacon City.
Towards the dentures.
Towards the safety of the world, nay the universe.
Towards my destiny.
As Moonshine galloped away, the dust settled once more over its tracks.
The dust was doing that a lot that a lot recently.
And I had the gut feeling that it was going to be doing it a fair bit more as the night went on..
TO BE CONTINUED!!!
(Or not.)
(But most likely yes)
