Two cows...

Discussion in 'Politics, Religion, Social Issues' started by Frohickey, Oct 21, 2003.

  1. Frohickey macrumors 6502a

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2003
    Location:
    PRK
    #1
    Copied from the blog at Newsfilter:

    Two Cows

    DEMOCRAT
    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

    REPUBLICAN
    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    So?

    SOCIALIST You have two cows.
    The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
    You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

    COMMUNIST
    You have two cows.
    The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
    You wait in line for hours to get it.
    It is expensive and sour.

    CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

    DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
    You have two cows.
    The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a
    man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
    your government.

    BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
    You have two cows.
    The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
    for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

    AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
    You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
    You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
    You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and
    are reducing expenses.
    Your stock goes up.

    FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.
    You go to lunch and drink wine.
    Life is good.

    JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
    produce twenty times the milk.
    They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
    Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

    GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
    excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
    Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

    ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
    While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
    You break for lunch.
    Life is good.

    RUSSIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have some vodka.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You have some more vodka.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

    TALIBAN CORPORATION
    You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
    You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
    Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in
    the hospital.

    IRAQI CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    They go into hiding.
    They send radio tapes of their mooing.

    POLISH CORPORATION
    You have two bulls.
    Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

    FLORIDA CORPORATION
    You have a black cow and a brown cow.
    Everyone votes for the best looking one.
    Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
    Some people vote for both.
    Some people vote for neither.
    Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
    Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best
    looking cow.

    CALIFORNIAN
    You have a cow and a bull.
    The bull is depressed.
    It has spent its life living a lie.
    It goes away for two weeks.
    It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
    You now have two cows.
    One makes milk; the other doesn't.
    You try to sell the transgender cow.
    Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
    You lose in court.
    You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
    You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
    You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm.
    Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
    Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
    Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for
    the children".
    Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
    The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
    You declare bankruptcy! and shut down all operations.
    The cow starves to death.
    The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
     
  2. Counterfit macrumors G3

    Counterfit

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2003
    Location:
    sitting on your shoulder
  3. TEG macrumors 604

    TEG

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2002
    Location:
    Langley, Washington
    #3
    And here I thought you were going to make fun of TUCOWS. Instead, you have a very interesting take on life.

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

    TEG
     
  4. Phil Of Mac macrumors 68020

    Phil Of Mac

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2002
    Location:
    Washington State University
    #4
    Cuba: You had two cows, but they left for Florida.

    Singapore: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping an unlicensed farm animal in an apartment.

    Venezuela: You have two cows. Your president is buddies with Castro so one cow goes on strike while the other stalks American women on MacRumors hoping to get a visa to the United States.

    Chinese philosophy: You have two cows. One night, you dream that you are one of the cows. When you wake up, you wonder if you're a man who dreamt he was a cow, or a cow dreaming that she's a man.

    Hong Kong: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

    The EU: You have two cows. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit).

    Frisbeetarianism: You have two cows. One flies to the top of your roof and gets stuck.

    Libertarianism: Go away. What I do with my cows is my own business.

    Socratic Method: How many cows do I have? Why?

    United Nations: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking the cows. The US and UK veto the cows from milking you. China abstains.

    Mac Rumors Community: You have two cows. You stop milking them because one of them is about to come out with a new version of milk. In the meantime, you pester your neighbor into switching from goats to cows. You buy a third cow, but it takes months to ship.

    Chicago: You have two cows. However, all fifteen of your cows, including the thirteen dead ones, voted in the last election.

    Reality TV: You have two cows. They argue for 57 minutes until voting you off the farm.

    Highlander: You have two cows. In the end, there can be only one.

    Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government paints one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.
     
  5. Lyle macrumors 68000

    Lyle

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2003
    Location:
    Madison, Alabama
    #5
    Excellent work, but you forgot:

    The Matrix: There is no cow.
     
  6. bennetsaysargh macrumors 68020

    bennetsaysargh

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2003
    Location:
    New York
  7. Foucault macrumors 6502

    Foucault

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2002
    Location:
    Pasadena, CA
    #7
    WWE: You have two cows. One cow grabs a chair and hits you from behind. The Dudley Boys come out from the back and grabs the tables, and then proceeds to body slam both cows into the tables.
     
  8. Phil Of Mac macrumors 68020

    Phil Of Mac

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2002
    Location:
    Washington State University
    #8
    Soviet Russia: Two Cows have YOU!!!
    Star Trek: You have two cows. No one cares because they can get milk and hamburgers out of the replicator for free.
     
  9. jelloshotsrule macrumors G3

    jelloshotsrule

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2002
    Location:
    serendipity
    #9
    hahahaha. that's freaking hilarious

    and as for chicago... you have two cows. but one of em burnt down the damn barn and killed both of them... etc.
     
  10. Desertrat macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2003
    Location:
    Terlingua, Texas
    #10
    That's enough cows to make lots of "meadow muffins" or "pasture patties".

    :D, 'Rat
     
  11. Pinto macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2003
    Location:
    New Zealand
    #11
    FEUDALISM:
    You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream.

    PURE SOCIALISM:
    You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

    BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM:
    You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

    FASCISM:
    You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

    PURE COMMUNISM:
    You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

    RUSSIAN COMMUNISM:
    You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

    DICTATORSHIP:
    You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

    MILITARISM:
    You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

    PURE DEMOCRACY:
    You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

    REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
    You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

    AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
    The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cows are set free.

    INDIAN DEMOCRACY:
    You have two cows. You worship them.

    BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
    You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government gives you compensation for your diseased cows, compensation for your lost income, a grant not to use your fields for anything else. And tells the public not to worry.

    BUREAUCRACY:
    You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

    ANARCHY:
    You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

    CAPITALISM:
    You have two cows. You lay one off, force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when it drops dead.

    ENVIRONMENTALISM:
    You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

    TOTALITARIANISM:
    You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

    POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
    You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is an outdated symbol of your decadent, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. They get married and adopt a calf.

    COUNTER CULTURE:
    Wow, dude, there's like ... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

    SURREALISM:
    You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
     
  12. Pinto macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2003
    Location:
    New Zealand
    #12
    FREEDOM, AMERICAN STYLE

    Another country has two cows and a dog, which you gifted the country as a puppy.
    You claim the dog is rabid and a danger to the cows. You invade that country and then claim the milk to cover the cost of killing the dog. You then invade the neighboring country, which has no cows but plenty of dogs whom you didn't gift, but did train (to kill cows), claiming that those dogs are now a danger to your (by proxy) two cows. You then capture those dogs and parachute them into a third country which has no dogs but plenty of cows. These dogs now kill that countries cows. You then build a milk pipeline from the first country through the second to the third country who now have a desperate need for milk.
    You finally tax your own country to cover killing the original dog, building the pipeline and providing kenneling to the other dogs.
    None of the milk reaches your own country.
     
  13. revenuee macrumors 68020

    revenuee

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2003
    Location:
    A place where i am supreme emporer

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