UK Conscription Notice

Discussion in 'Community' started by WinterMute, Feb 2, 2003.

  1. WinterMute Moderator emeritus


    Jan 19, 2003
    London, England
    Found on Usenet:

    Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978),you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict.

    You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves.

    Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone.

    H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip). Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:

    * Combat Jacket
    * Trousers(preferably khaki - but please no denim)
    * Tin helmet
    * Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
    * Gas mask
    * Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
    * Rifle
    * Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
    * Suntan oil

    If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).

    We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

    There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as youwatch:

    * The Guns of Navarrone
    * Kelly's Heroes
    * A Bridge to Far
    * The Longest Day
    * Apocalypse Now
    * The Matrix
    * Blazing Saddles
    * The Desert Song
    * Mary Poppins

    We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.

    To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what
    may be involved.
  2. e-coli macrumors 68000


    Jul 27, 2002
  3. Dont Hurt Me macrumors 603

    Dont Hurt Me

    Dec 21, 2002
    Yahooville S.C.
    Glad kellys hero's was in there because thats a must! but there was 1 lil item missing from the equipment list! You cant send a soldier in without a PINT!---GEE what were you thinking!
  4. WinterMute thread starter Moderator emeritus


    Jan 19, 2003
    London, England
    Isn't alcohol in public illegal in an Islamic country?:eek:
  5. WinterMute thread starter Moderator emeritus


    Jan 19, 2003
    London, England
    Don't Hurt Me:

    You into MGB's?

    We've got a 'B GT, S reg, rubber bumper (sadly), needs a respray, but runs like a charm, it's my wife's car, she won't part with it, I tried to tempt her with an Audi TT last year, but she didn't fall for it...:D

    You run one?
  6. kiwi_the_iwik macrumors 65816


    Oct 30, 2001
    London, UK
    Hmmm - as long as they don't watch Zulu Dawn before they go in...

    ...I'd expect Carry On Up The Khyber would be prescribed viewing, though...


Share This Page