Yep, it's another thread about a girlfriend...

[Les Kern]

How can one NOT at least refer to religion when the issue IS religion?
People are taught a lot of things when they're growing up, most of it hogwash. When we become adults we learn the truth, should one WANT to know the truth.
So what is YOUR truth?
Does Pat Robinson sleep well at night because HIS truth is that Sharon deserved a stroke?
How about Bush and his mighty Christian Army?
The War of the Roses?
The Taliban allowing and even encouraging men killing their wives for crimes against sharia law?
Priests can't marry? Why? The Apostles were. It "became" truth 100 or so years ago.
What I'm getting at is this: Decide what you want to base your life on first. If it's fairy tales that were pounded into your brain when you were young, fine. If I were you I'd strip away life's excess baggage and find enlightenment.

 

[Les Kern]

In the end, she's decided that she is going to try coming to church with my family. She's going to see if she can do it... for 'us.'

She's doing it for you...
Mark these words down and paste them on the refrigerator:

"This is going to turn out REAL bad."

Refer back to them when it hits the fan.

 

[pseudobrit]

Thanks to all of you for your support, comments and suggestions. You all have some very interesting views. I think I got out of this what I need, but also talking to my girlfriend has helped a lot. We decided to forget the whole no seeing each other or talking to each other for a week thing. I couldn't stand 12 hours of not talking to her when she was right there online. So she messaged me saying "Can I call you?" I said, "Yeah sure... I was just about to give in and say something to you"

So we talked on the phone for an hour... maybe two. She said she wanted to see me. I explained the situation to my parents and they decided that I could go over to her dorm room to talk to her (I mentioned before that I'm not supposed to be there... so at least they are understanding SOME things). Her and I talked. When I am around her the situation seems different then when I am not. When I am with her I have fun and don't worry about it like some of you guys have suggested, but when we are apart I keep thinking.

In the end, she's decided that she is going to try coming to church with my family. She's going to see if she can do it... for 'us.' Now I know there is pressure there... and I keep telling her I don't want to force this on her but she insists that she tries it. However, if she just can't do it (after giving it a valiant attempt), we are just going to move on and continue on with the relationship without the opinion of my parents, but on what we together want. We will go from there, and see how that goes before any actual talk of getting married goes.

I've talked to her on the phone for the past two days for over 10+ hours. Tonight was another 4.5 hrs. I think it's good that we are able to talk. Things seem to be good again - for now at least. She isn't crying, overreacting to anything... everything is calm and rational. She said she wants to see me again tomorrow (technically later today ) But in the end, whatever is supposed to happen will happen... I am sure of that.

Now I know earlier in this thread people had fun flinging themselves onto the dogpile that built up around how awful your parents are/were.

But now I'm taking aim at the root of the problem: you.

You need to grow a pair. If you're well into 17 (I'm assuming you're graduating this year), you're on the verge of becoming a man, being able to vote, buy tobacco and alcohol, choose a major (and change it 23 times) and all that jazz.

You don't need to tell your parents where you're going. Which is why you will tell them as a courtesy. And if they protest, then you can stop telling them. As a form of passive aggressive behaviour, when my parents would delve too deeply into my life, I used to tell them simply "out" whenever they'd ask where I was going as I left the house.

Now, let's tackle something else. Your phone time with this girl is atrociously long. I generally won't talk to someone on the phone longer than 10 minutes unless I'm on hold or they're in a different time zone. Girlfriends are great to be with and talk to and stuff, but you need to cool it there. You're spending more time on the phone with this girl than I spend sleeping. Give yourself some some of your own time.

Take it slow. No need to rush. You've got years and years.

 

[Abstract]

I can totally imagine your parents trying to convert her while she's attending church with your family.


And I take it back. Read my sig.

 

[pseudobrit]

Now, let's tackle something else. Your phone time with this girl is atrociously long. I generally won't talk to someone on the phone longer than 10 minutes unless I'm on hold or they're in a different time zone. Girlfriends are great to be with and talk to and stuff, but you need to cool it there. You're spending more time on the phone with this girl than I spend sleeping. Give yourself some some of your own time.

Man, I sound like a grouch.

What a shame, 'cause I used to be a sentimental guy.

 

[Deepdale]

Man, I sound like a grouch.

Their time spent on the phone is unimaginable ... even Alexander Graham Bell would be spinning at that news (15-20 minutes is more than enough for me).

 

[bigandy]

the most important thing i've learned from relationships and religion, is this:

don't give a **** about other's opinions.

if you want to believe "god" is a pink frog with a slack bladder, and that makes you comfortable, do so.

if you meet a girl/guy/mixture of both/someone who's undecided, and they make you feel like you've never felt before, try it.

parents try and show what's best for you, but sometimes, if they are very religious, their vision can be clouded by it. my parents have this "affliction". they tried to get me to marry my previous girlfriend because they thought she was perfect, mainly due to her beliefs corresponding with theirs. (something that requires considerable effort when i live the other end of the UK from them!) i however, couldn't handle someone quite so religious, and we had problems. it's not that i haven't 'faith', it's that i chose a path of believing what i want to believe, and keeping it to myself, as i think it's bad to force one's views on another. (probably because my parents tried it on me for years).

my current girlfriend was brought up a catholic. she comes from poland. but she's in exactly the same boat, feels exactly the same way about life as i do, and i think she could be 'the one'.

the parents have learnt to accept this fact that i don't, and won't ever, feel as they do about christianity. but it's taken a long time, and a lot of arguments.

my point is, if all that made sense, do what you feel is right, what makes you happiest. you and you alone (well in this case, you, and her!).

 

[sushi]

I've talked to her on the phone for the past two days for over 10+ hours. Tonight was another 4.5 hrs. I think it's good that we are able to talk.

Just because you are talking doesn't mean you are communicating.

Most people can concentrate only so long before their brains wear out. Sure you are talking for 10 plus hours, but how much of that is real communication about issues and such.

Anyhow, just some food for thought.

 

[haiggy]

Just because you are talking doesn't mean you are communicating.

Most people can concentrate only so long before their brains wear out. Sure you are talking for 10 plus hours, but how much of that is real communication about issues and such.

Anyhow, just some food for thought.

Well, when we were talking for that 4.5 hours... it wasn't like small talk... it was all about the important stuff. Maybe I am too naive and think this is fine... maybe I am in the eye of the storm.

I realize my parents are going to force this on her. The thing is we have worked out though that if they do, we are just going to say 'screw you.' I think the reason why I am having doubts about religion and faith is because it is being forced on me. That's not fair to anyone. I want to decide my own life.

I had to ask my parents about whether or not I could go to her place. They are very strict when it comes to not doing something they don't want me to. I can't just go to her place when it isn't my car. The would ground me and some other bad **** like that. They said I will have more say in my life when I am 18...

 

[haiggy]

She's doing it for you...
Mark these words down and paste them on the refrigerator:

"This is going to turn out REAL bad."

Refer back to them when it hits the fan.

That's what I think too. I told her that, however she keeps saying that it is 'us.' I can't see how that is the case when she doesn't really want to be doing it in the first place.

 

[haiggy]

You need to grow a pair. If you're well into 17 (I'm assuming you're graduating this year), you're on the verge of becoming a man, being able to vote, buy tobacco and alcohol, choose a major (and change it 23 times) and all that jazz.

I'm graduating next year... and might possibly be staying another year if I decide I want to.

 

[sushi]

I realize my parents are going to force this on her. The thing is we have worked out though that if they do, we are just going to say 'screw you.' I think the reason why I am having doubts about religion and faith is because it is being forced on me. That's not fair to anyone. I want to decide my own life.

At this stage in life, many things can seem much bigger than they really are. Try pretending that you are 27 and looking back on things to get a different perspective.

BTW, whether you agree with your parents or not, they more than likely have your best interests in mind.

Faith is just that. It cannot be forced upon one. You have to accept Jesus into your heart (if you are Christian) to truly believe.

Lastly but not least. What's the rush?! There is not need to put undue pressure on yourself by pushing. Just go with the flow for a while and see what happens.

And remember, never say die -- never give up!

 

[sushi]

That's what I think too. I told her that, however she keeps saying that it is 'us.' I can't see how that is the case when she doesn't really want to be doing it in the first place.

You are experiencing healthy concern.

There is the old adage that when a man and women marry, they both become disappointed.

- The man because he expects the woman to remain the same but she changes.

- The woman because she expects to change her man but can't.

This religion issue could end up nawing on you in years to come.

First. You are not sure which way to go concerning yourself. No shame in that. We all progress differently and each must determine what faith if any to observe. It takes time.

Second. For some reason you seem to be under the gun to solve this now. Some things take time. Or maybe a better way to put it, is some things are solved over time. No rush to get the answer. Rather, try enjoying the path to find it.

Third. You are too young to worry about being serious with a woman. You have your whole life ahead of you to enjoy. Have fun by yourself. See the world. Do what you want to do. Then worry about getting serious with a woman. Don't cheat yourself out of a wonderful life experience of getting to know yourself and the planet that we live on.

Well, I hope this helps.

Good luck!

 

[haiggy]

Thanks for the advice sushi. Very well written.

 

[pseudobrit]

I'm graduating next year... and might possibly be staying another year if I decide I want to.

Okay. Take what I said about "grow a pair" and turn that into "start growing a pair."

Slowly set boundaries and stick to them. One boundary you need to set up right now is that your parents don't get to tell you who to date. You don't let them pick your friends, do you? You don't tell them how to run their marriage, do you? No? Then they don't get to tell you who to spend time with.

Don't get angry and confrontational about it. Just be cool and matter-of-fact about it. "We're just dating" should be your mantra to them. Remember: cool.

 

[pseudobrit]

Third. You are too young to worry about being serious with a woman.

And his parents should know better. This isn't 1938 Appalachia and kids don't get married at 17 anymore. To even think about it before you're 21 is a waste of FLOPS.

 

[haiggy]

Okay. Take what I said about "grow a pair" and turn that into "start growing a pair."

Slowly set boundaries and stick to them. One boundary you need to set up right now is that your parents don't get to tell you who to date. You don't let them pick your friends, do you? You don't tell them how to run their marriage, do you? No? Then they don't get to tell you who to spend time with.

Don't get angry and confrontational about it. Just be cool and matter-of-fact about it. "We're just dating" should be your mantra to them. Remember: cool.

And his parents should know better. This isn't 1938 Appalachia and kids don't get married at 17 anymore. To even think about it before you're 21 is a waste of FLOPS.

You make some good points as well. This is the way I want things to be done too. Hopefully it's how it works out.

 

[AP_piano295]

I've actually been fairly heavily exposed to quite a few of the major religions. Neighbors down the street are Jewish so ive been to batmitsvas (corect the spelling if you like i cant do hebrew) saiters (numerus times) and a couple of passovers. Neighbors across the street are are muslims, theyre a bit more private about their religions but still ive been over there a couble of times during Ramadon (correct the spelling again if you lixe) One of my favorite teachers is a quanza type of person (shes a bit crazy but thats why she's awsome) not saying quanza is crazy its a bit more of a stand alone holiday than a religion though. And I suppose im christien though I only go to church once a year for 30 minutes and such. What I can say is all of these religions have a lot of positives and they all basicly encourage, people to be good, you know not killing eachother and such. But I have a huge problem with every religion if they start to drive people apart. Whats going on in the midle east is the greatest blasphemy ive ever seen in all the three religions there.

In conclusion if you break up with this girl because she's a different religion from you I will reach through this network and smack you upside the head. Think im kidding try it.

 

[Raid]

That's what I think too. I told her that, however she keeps saying that it is 'us.' I can't see how that is the case when she doesn't really want to be doing it in the first place.

Well at best she's making an honest attempt to evaluate her beliefs and see if they match you and your parents brand of christianity... at worst she's doing this to placate you parents. Regardless of the reason she's going to need your support; the best advice I can offer is to totaly lay off the subject until she starts talking about it and support her when she makes her opininon known to your parents.

One question. In all your talking to your girlfriend did you ever mention you feelings about your faith? (I hope so) If she knows that you feel that your parents church/faith/whatever may not be yours either. You can probably find some common ground with her there...

Good Luck!