Another Relationship Thread

Discussion in 'Community' started by PlaceofDis, Sep 27, 2004.

  1. PlaceofDis macrumors Core

    Jan 6, 2004
    hey guys, i dont have any other place to go right now because of what just happened, and to anyone taking their time to read this and post, thank you.

    My fiance/gf of two years and i just had a talk. things have been weird between us for the past week, and i have been freaking out, so i told her that i was freaking today. and i guess my freaking out was right because i guess she feels like we are heading in two different direction, i know that i love her and that i want to spend my life with her, but she is confused. She is polish and im american, so thats a problem too because her parents speak hardly and english, communication problems even though they have lived here for almost 12 years now. Different cultures too i guess. But we have never gotten into an argument in the two years we have been together, we work well together, and just fit, but i guess she is starting to feel as if we are just best best friends or something like that. Shes not sure of what she wants right now, and we live together, but thats a whole other issue for right now. i have my own 'room' which i guess will actually be used as a bedroom from now on, and i told her maybe we should take a month or so and let her figure out what she wants and we will go from there

    i dont really know why i wrote this, but being a poet, and to frustrated to write anything else worthwhile i just wanted to talk to someone, and since this is not final yet i didnt want to go to a friend yet.

    thank you for reading this and letting me just talk to a screen to let me get back so some normal thought process
  2. stealthy macrumors member


    Aug 19, 2004
    NYC Metro Area
    Have you told her this?
  3. PlaceofDis thread starter macrumors Core

    Jan 6, 2004
    yeah she knows how i feel towards her 200% sure
  4. sushi Moderator emeritus


    Jul 19, 2002
    Some comments/questions for you to consider.

    - You mention different cultures. She will always be Polish, even if someday she becomes an American. You can't expect her to give that up.

    - Do you speak Polish? Are you learning? If not, why not?

    - Communication is key. Language is just a communication vehicle. There are others. As they say, England and America, two countries separated by a common language. Learn to communicate with her and her parents.

    - Have you studied Polish customs and culture? If not, why not?

    - When you express yourself and your feelings, do you do you present these in the American way or the Polish way?

    - What are your life goals? Hers? Do they match? Or does one of you feel held back?

    - Why do you want to be with her? Why not someone else? What is so special about her?

    - Culturally, do you do anything that annoys her. Note, we all have our little habits that our SO must accept. I am not referrring to these, but rather something that you do that is not culturally acceptable in Poland. She may view you as not fitting in, if this is the case.

    Relationships with someone from another country are always a challenge. If you have the right person for you, it will be well worth your effort.

    Best of luck to you both.

  5. t300 macrumors 6502a


    Apr 10, 2004
  6. Abstract macrumors Penryn


    Dec 27, 2002
    Location Location Location
    Your relationship has love and understanding. If she just thinks that maybe you're only a best best friend or something, that probably makes for a great dating relationship as well. That's what you want. Does she want someone she's less comfortable with?

    I think this will all work out in the end. :) If you have to give her space, then give her space. If you have to move out, then move out. If she's telling you all these things, but feels that there's a chance that she may lose you, she may realize what she's losing. Until she feels this risk, she won't realize how important you are in her life.

    Good luck.
  7. AmigoMac macrumors 68020


    Aug 5, 2003
    talk, as long as you need to clear every single question you may have, without communication, a relationship is nothing...

    ... and that about being from different cultures shouldn't be an obstacle, share experiences and do try to learn basic word of her language, her culture, plan a trip to her country (Not necessary)...

    and her parents... :rolleyes: ... you may start spending more time with them, I mean, in most of the cases, when you get married, it includes the whole family...
  8. PlaceofDis thread starter macrumors Core

    Jan 6, 2004
    the problem with culture is not on my part, i have no problem with her being polish, its the fact that i am not polish is the problem, i know a lot about polish culture, and i know a little polish now that we have been going out so long. i try and talk to her in polish as much as i can too.

    i have no communication problems, i talk to her about anything and everything thats on my mind, but shes afraid to talk about certain things, and we talked about that yesterday.

    she wants some space/time to figure out what she wants with her life and if she wants to be with me or not

    i guess it will be a while before this whole thing is settled but i can wait it out, and thank you to all that have responded

    oh and yes she does use a mac, now
  9. makisushi macrumors 6502

    Jul 15, 2004
    Northern VA
    This a good thing...the last thing you need is someone who is unsure about whether they want to be with you or not. This is also a good time for her to realize how good you are for her (assuming that you are good to her).
    You do not want to "push" the relationship on her, smother her so to speak.

    good luck, and keep your head up.
  10. AmigoMac macrumors 68020


    Aug 5, 2003
    Let the love fly, if it comes back it has been yours the whole time, if not get a Powermac...

    have you searched the forums? :p ... those threads are pretty popular in the last time...

    I agree with the post above... I personally disagree with the "Give me a break" theory... things are only 1 way, to be or not to be...

    I would suggest at least 1 GB RAM

    Once ago a girl said to a good friend from the University... give me time pls, i need to think a lot of things, she traveled to her parents home and 6 weeks later she was calling back saying she was pregnant from an old school friend... Nice time! :rolleyes:
  11. pseudobrit macrumors 68040


    Jul 23, 2002
    Jobs' Spare Liver Jar
    Cut out the details and I think you'll get to the truth. It sounds like she's ready to move on and is not sure how to let you down.

    Steel yourself.
  12. zelmo macrumors 603


    Jul 3, 2004
    Mac since 7.5
    Sadly, I haave to agree with this opinion.
    You went to her because the vibe wasn't right, not the other way around. Sounds like you, my friend, are doing all of the work here.
    Perhaps she is coming to a decision she is not happy about, and has been avoiding confrontation with you because she does not want you hurt (and does not want to lose your friendship, either).
    You are doing the right thing by giving her space. Unfortunately, since you had to force the issue, my guess is you are going to get a lot more space than you really want to offer.
    I really hope I am wrong, because it sounds like you really care a great deal for this young lady. If it is meant to end, so be it. You will have grown a lot from the relationship, and the next woman in your life will be lucky to have you.
  13. PlaceofDis thread starter macrumors Core

    Jan 6, 2004
    im all prepared for a breakup, the space thing is just to let her figure out what she wants to do with her life, we are both graduating this year and i think she is freaking out in part because of that. I know what i want to do with my life, but then again i have always known, thats just the way i am, i hope that she figures out what she needs and wants, and we are still living together, separate rooms now though, so as i told her, the ball is in her park, its up for her to decide where our relationship is going because i know that i want to be with her, and she knows i want to be with her, but she doesn't know what she wants, so its up to her
  14. PlaceofDis thread starter macrumors Core

    Jan 6, 2004
    Alright i need some more advice here, see its been a week and a half so far since we started this break thing, and i cant see her actually making a decision unless i force it upon her, what does that say to you guys? that she really doesnt want to be with me? or that she is REALLY confused?

    what do you guys/gals think i should do? im guessing that maybe this weekend ill confront her and see what she has decided, and is she hasnt i dont know if i can go on like this, its like being in limbo, i just cant deal with it forever, and if you cant figure out at least something in two weeks, will you ever? i still love her, but this hurts, and i guess my instinct is to get away before i get hurt more....
  15. wdlove macrumors P6


    Oct 20, 2002
    I agree, would also want to know how I stand. What types of things doesn't she want to talk about? Have you been intimate? You should express your feeling again. Then encourage her to do the same. Be supportive and allow her to talk. This weekend should be a good time to have that talk.
  16. apple2991 macrumors 6502

    May 20, 2004
    Give her time. I really don't think you should force a decision for both of your sakes--if she isn't ready to go back to you, forcing her will only push her farther away.

    Just be there and play it cool. Let her know that you care, don't drop support of her, but just don't ask her about it too much like a little puppy. Only she can decide how she feels, and she will feel better about whatever that decision may be if she feels like she has enough space to explore herself.

    I know that you love her and I know that it's impossibly difficult, but if you love her, don't push her.

    Well, that's your decision. If you feel like she is hurting you too much to make being with her or waiting for her worth it, confront her or cut her off and try to continue your life. But if you decide she is worth it, give her space. Let her know you're here but give her space. Go on with your life.

    Um, yes, I think you might. Love can be complicated, and neither of us really know what she is going through exactly. Could be depression, could be a million things that take more than 14 days to sift through.
  17. rueyeet macrumors 65816


    Jun 10, 2003
    Unfortunately, I think pseudobrit's hit the nail on the head. I have two friends in pretty much the same situation (minus the Polish thing): they'd fallen in love and moved in together, and then she decided he wasn't what she wanted after all, and so he moved first into a separate bedroom, then out of the house entirely. And she's just waiting until the locks are changed to drop the clue-hammer, while he is still wanting to believe that things will be okay if he can just make her realize how much he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

    In that situation, the underlying reason is that she's skipped from one relationship to the next without stopping to figure herself out. I don't know what your girlfriend's particular cause is, but it does sound like she's doing the gradual-stages breakup thing. This can be out of confusion--feeling like she shouldn't give up the relationship even though she's increasingly certain she doesn't want to be there--or it could be that she just doesn't have the guts to come out and say it. I've done that, dumped a guy with nothing against him except that he simply was all wrong for me, while still loving him as a person, and lemme tell you: It's rough stuff. Took me weeks to work up the courage to tell the truth.

    Or it could be both. Maybe she's got the sneaking feeling she wants out, but isn't sure enough to hurt you, or is weaning herself off in stages as well. Nothing's ever simple in relationships.

    So, yeah. Brace yourself, and take a serious look at the possibility that these may well be the end of things. :(
  18. pseudobrit macrumors 68040


    Jul 23, 2002
    Jobs' Spare Liver Jar
    Leave. Pack your **** and leave. Do it when she's not home, and don't leave a note. She'll know how to contact you if that's what she wants.
  19. PlaceofDis thread starter macrumors Core

    Jan 6, 2004
    i understand the leaving part, but honestly i still want to be her friend, and if my name wasnt on the lease for the apartment (there are three of us here, me, her, and my cousin & its a three bedroom townhouse) then i would leave, but its not as easy as that, i think i will talk to her this weekend, probably tomorrow night, and see what comes of that, i really cant live like this forever, and if she has made some headway, or gained something from these past two weeks, i might( but doubtfuly) give her more time, if she hasnt decided, then its over because things will never be the same and things will not get better if she cant come to a conclusion, the relationship wont be able to function with no communication on her part
  20. iJon macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    In my opinion you are just going to be hurt more if you try to be her friend. You will be her friend and always wonder if she will come around and if you can pick up where you left off. When my girlfriend left me I dropped her like a bad habit and pretty much didn't talk to her for about a year. I saw her at parties and everyday at school but I still controlled the situation. It's been about a year now and now I say hi to her and things like that, only cause I am over her and have no interest in her.

    Psuedobrit knows what's up as well as I do. Get your stuff and move on. Say in a couple of months she comes back then you can reevaluate where you two stand and see if trying things out will work again, but in all honestly the second time around turns into the first time alot of times. Of course wdlove will argue that cause he had an awesome/rare exception to that with his wife. You have a life to live, start hanging out with the guys and after you take some time off maybe try to date another girl.

  21. PlaceofDis thread starter macrumors Core

    Jan 6, 2004
    i know that when i was younger that i would always wonder if one of my ex's and i could get back together, but if i end things with her, unless a lot of time passes and she changes a lot, as well as myself changing, there is no way i can or will go back out with her, and it wouldnt be a best friends type of friendship either, but we still have to deal living together for another year, so we do have to deal with each other

    like i said in a previous post, im not expecting anything positive to come out of this, im expecting a break up, i dont know what i would do if she decided to get back together to be honest, it would be like starting over, and things would have to move very slowly for me, but its a possibility, i just have to see what she says tomorrow when i get some time to talk to her about everything, and if she has no clue about where she wants to go and so on then its over, i cant live like this and i dont want to have to deal with it....
  22. mymemory macrumors 68020


    May 9, 2001
    I have been there dude, tell me about it.

    Do you remember my therads with the German girl???

    Look, sometimes there is a level where we feel very good with some people, let say is an spiritual level. To be there requiere a lot of maturity in life and that is not easy.

    Polish people and european in general has different background and values, for a time everything is fine but there is a point where she would have to take de desicion of going on. If she is in the US she would have to let go things.

    Probably is not cultural just like that but let me tell you is very easy to feel isolated in the US, you may not know that because you grew up here but the rest of the world manage life in a different way. She may be missing her roots in the back of her mind.

    The best thing you could do is to go to Poland one day and teaste the atmosphere so you can have an idea of what she is talking about.

    On the other hand let things go, you may be facing (other than culture) issues that you do not undertand yet. Let her relax and find her answers and that is it, it takes time, energy. She may be even tell you she is going to leave but she can come back later on. Life is tricky and is demanding every day in a differnet way. Probably she like you as a bf but she is feeling like having a family and probably she does not feel secure with her self. It is a period we face, I did and I f*** up my relationship.

    Just be cool, do not add stress to the situation, smile at her and bring sparks. Minimize the tension, show her you are the cool one and there is nothing to be worry about. =)
  23. Jovian9 macrumors 68000


    Feb 19, 2003
    Planet Zebes
    Do not let a language barrier cause any problems in a relationship with someone you feel so much for. One of my best friends met his wife in Taiwan. He has his undergrad, masters (working on doctorate) in Chinese history so he can speak Chinese. The problem is that they speak a different dialect of Chinese that he cannot. So all of the communication b/t him and her parents is channeled through her.
    They have been happily together now for 5 years and have been married for over 1 year.
  24. pseudobrit macrumors 68040


    Jul 23, 2002
    Jobs' Spare Liver Jar
    You can get off the lease that you share with a s/o. It ain't hard. I did it. Go to the office and let them know what's up.

    I left (took three days, 'cause we were practically married for 5 years and I had to unmingle everything), came back to say goodbye and get some forgotten stuff the next week and haven't seen or spoken to her since. I haven't checked up on her status w/friends. For awhile you won't know, then you just won't care.

    Last week I spoke to a mutual friend (female) for the first time since we broke up and didn't even think to ask about her.

    She's trying to dump you. Make it easy and beat her to it. You don't want to be there when she decides she wants to date other guys, do you?

    You must realise there will be a point at which the love you feel for her must be directed to a purely loving and unselfish task: letting her go. If you love her, you'll want her to be happy, right? And if she's not going to be happy with you, you need to swallow the selfish notions of love & lust and move on; you must let her move on.

    It's either that or kill her.
  25. jackieonasses macrumors 6502a


    Mar 3, 2004
    the great OKLAHOMA....
    I might as well throw in my thoughts. Me being in a similar situation recently (that turned for the better) sometimes you have to let her make the decision. Sometimes i was soo nice to her that she didn't know what to think any more. Voice it, and if it was meant to be in the first place, she will find herself and come back. You just have to let things (esp. in girls) take their course.

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