Bad Breakups

Discussion in 'Community' started by iJon, Sep 21, 2003.

  1. iJon macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    hey guys, felt i would make a thread about this because its always interested to see what you guys have to say. about 2 weeks ago my girl and i broke up. we had been going out for about 2 years and had been best friends about 3 years before that. the relationship was like the perfect fairy tale, but we decided mutually that even though we are still in love we should see what else is out there to really find out if each other is really what we would want. i know this is healthy and will be good in the long run but damn things suck right now. i dont even look at it losing a girlfriend anymore, its more like a best friend, which was a HUGE part of my life. oh well. talk me guys, it will probably take my mind of everything and make me feel better, im getting tired of blogging all my feelings, im typing way to much on them.

  2. vollspacken macrumors 65816


    Oct 17, 2002
    Boogie-Down Berlintown
    I hope everything works out fine, whatever your decision might be...

    good luck

  3. iJon thread starter macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    yeah, other people's break ups are welcome too to make me feel like less of a s***head right now. i know there is gonna be some people like my dad on here who just know this is part of teen life and it happens, haha.

  4. vollspacken macrumors 65816


    Oct 17, 2002
    Boogie-Down Berlintown
    well, sometimes s**t like that happens.
    when I came back to Germany from the US after graduation at the beginning of June, I broke up with my girlfriend (which had waited for me for one year) after two weeks of me being back. it just wasn't the same as before but it was the best and most honest way to do it... definitly better than breaking up by phone from the US or simply carrying on with a relationship that wasn't going anywhere.

    I'm sure you two did not take this step out of nowhere and maybe everything will work out fine, either with her or with the next girl ;)

  5. Waluigi macrumors 6502

    Apr 29, 2003

    Sorry to hear about your breakup. I don't know if you two were truely still in love if you both wanted to 'explore' other people. I have had my fair share of being dumped, but that was when I was younger. I've learned a lot, and now it is usually me doing the dumping. Anyway, my rule is, there has to be a honest and mutual appreciation for each other for the relationship to succeed. If you see her and ask 'how was your day', and don't care what she says, its over. If she doesn't care what you say, it is also over. I always cut off my losses before I get entrapped in a long waste of time relationship.

  6. iJon thread starter macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    yeah you make a good point. im still clueless to everything. it really wasnt mutual, i may have made it mutual to make me feel better. she brought up the idea, then a couple of days later i just realized that this will be good because i dont want to look back on high school and say what if and al lthat stuff. whether or not she lost feelings for me or not i dont know, nor do care anymore. but its still odd, we still talk everyday and are still good friends. she was just my first for about everything and its just been an odd situation. but what makes me feel good is that all my friends that are girls feel she made a big mistake because they feel in high school she wont find anyone who comes to close to treating her as good as i did. there isnt to many guys at our school who know how to treat a girl, which i have learned from all my gal pals over the years. so maybe since im free now it will be fun :D

  7. Stelliform macrumors 68000


    Oct 21, 2002
    Breaking up totally sucks, and at the risk of sounding like you your Dad.. ;)

    My wife and I started dating in highschool, and when we went to college we began disliking each-other more and more.. We broke up our Sophomore year for 9 months, and that is really when we grew up. (Well at least I did.) I dated another girl, it wasn't spectacular, and my wife and I ended getting back together.

    If I didn't have those 9 months we probably would have divorced by now. That is when I discovered who I really am. Not what I was for her sake.

    You have to give yourself time to discover who you are.... Good luck!
  8. iJon thread starter macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    great advice, i think thats how we both feel. i mean i will always wonder if she was lying with her reasons for leaving, but i know her so well and have so much trust in us. I do believe this will be good to learn who i am and what i want in life. we both needed this, i think she just realized it first and broke the ice.

  9. Daveman Deluxe macrumors 68000

    Daveman Deluxe

    Jun 17, 2003
    Corvallis, Oregon
    My breakup story:

    She said she didn't have enough time to go out with me anymore. I knew she wasn't telling the whole truth, but I didn't really care since I was about ready to break up with her anyway.

    About three months later, I found out from a mutual friend that she thinks I treated her like an object--that I was going out with her so I could have a girlfriend, not so I could be with HER.

    Me and almost everybody else basically said "WTF?" to this. Even to this day nobody understands why she felt that way when it was clear to pretty much everybody around us that I was crazy about her.

    It's long since behind me so I really don't care, but I was sort of P.O.ed that she lied to me.
  10. solvs macrumors 603


    Jun 25, 2002
    LaLaLand, CA
    Sorry to hear about the breakup.

    I went through something similar.

    It's going to be a little tough, at first, I know. I was friends with this girl for years. Had feelings for her, but never said anything. One day I'm complaining about my love life (or lack there-of) and how some girl had screwed me over, and she suddenly tells me that she loves me. Apparently she felt the same way I did. We kissed, and started dating.

    But then we discovered that we wanted different things. I was nice to her, which she wasn't used to. She was nice for awhile, but then she started treating me bad, ignoring me, jerking me around. We had a ton of fights, I threatened to break up with her. Eventually we did break up. We got back to together again (a couple of times), but it was still messy and there were still a lot of hurt feelings.

    One day, I got tired of being jerked around. I told her either to stay and fix what she had done, or if she was going to leave me again, that she'd have to leave me alone. She left, so I cut off all communication with her. Told her I never wanted to see her again. I was angry, hurt. Still am in a way. Couple of years later, I hate what she did, but I still love her.

    Point being, you're going to be hurt. And it feels like losing your best friend. I still talk to her occasionally, but it's always awkward. She's with some one else, and we couldn't get back together even if we wanted to. But the fact that you are already thinking about other girls is good. Once you can both move on, you can begin the healing process.

    I'm afraid the friendship will never be the same, but you have to at least try, for both your sakes.

    Sometimes when they say they want to "see what else is out there", that just means that they don't want you. :( Sometimes it means that they don't know what to do with you ("I love you, but I'm not sure if I want to be with you"). Sometimes they don't know what they want. Just be careful if she wants you back. Don't be a doormat. Make it clear that she can't just leave to look for someone "better" and come back when, of course, she doesn't.

    Let her know you're not just going to sit around and wait for her to come back.
  11. iJon thread starter macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    i have already decided if she came back i wouldnt take her back. but she told me i am the greatest guy ever and it really hurt her doing this to me, i could really tell it in her eyes and emotions. but i dont know what she is looking for, and i hope she finds it. but we both agreed, that if we did go to the same college that would might pick it back up when things are more serious as well as relationships. she had many more problems at home and in life than i did, i have it pretty easy. i just feel maybe a boyfriend isnt what she really needs to worry about right now in life, which is completly understandable, and when she gets things in order we will see what happens, but im definently not waiting around or anything, im just laying low for a while with my boys and then start dating, i already had a date to homecoming 3 days after the break up, lol

  12. MacRAND macrumors 6502a


    May 24, 2003
    Phoenix AZ USA
    Women are from Venus

    First, you gotta be cool. Things often work out on their own. Women often change their minds.

    Second, don't burn any bridges by getting an attitude "if she comes back...I'll do this or that"

    Third, actively LISTEN to what women say. They are real big on sharing their feelings and if you don't pay attention, you are in big trouble.

    Fourth, women (and men) often do not mean what they say, or say what they mean.

    Fifth, because of 4th, ask questions rather than make statements.

    Sixth, when a woman says something that makes you feel defensive or angry,like you just have to stand up for your manhood, or yourself, whatever, don't strike out with your tongue. Instead, kind of REPEAT what she just said, or talk about her FEELINGS to let her know you heard it...then let her talk, shut up and LISTEN. Like she says, "I really hate it when..." You say: "It makes you angry." (note: no question mark).

    Seventh, "Yeah, and I don't know what to do about it".
    CAUTION: Trap! Under no circumstance tell her "what to do about it".
    Do NOT be Mr. Fixit, unless she specifically asks; even then, be careful. Instead say, "I know what you mean, its hard to know what to do."
    When a woman shares her feelings (bitches, complains, etc.)
    she does not so much want you to fix it or find a solution
    (even if you did, she would probably ignore it)
    she just wants you to LISTEN. So, don't blow it, just LISTEN. But say something about her feelings that you hear so she will know you are listening and maybe understand. If you do, you will be her friend, and you will be rewarded.

    Hell, this could go on forever. Just get the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray, read it all the way through and pay attention. It didn't get to be a best seller all over the world for nothing. Not only will you learn what women think of men, it will help you put yourself in the best light when the right girl comes along and you don't want to blow it. It will teach you about yourself. Whether you learn that or not is up to you.

    The best way to practice what the book teaches you is to date lots of different girls. There is a RULE - the better you listen, the more she thinks you care. You can figure the natural progression of this theory, right?

    Have you ever listened to girls talking about what they like about boys, Mr. Perfect? Often it starts with,
    "He has to have a good sense of humor" which translates into "he has to make me laugh without being an ass."
    "When he's with me, he has to pay attention" meaning, DON'T look at other women while you are with her, and DO give her some verbal feed back on what she's saying.
    "He's got to have kind eyes, and a good heart", meaning DON'T act selfish like a self-centered jackass around her. Put her first and be polite. Gross is out, unless you want to be a BOY all your life.

    Sounds like you are about 18. Trust me, for men, it all gets better as each year passes. Tomorrow you won't like the girls you think you love today.
    Then, that starts to stablize at about age 25-27. Girls your own age are going to become increasingly more interested in MEN... you know, guys much older than you with an education, job, money, a really nice car, and even a home for them to live in. Not boys, she left those in high school (later in the real world, "in college").

    If you are 18, then your range is...well - 18 year old girls.
    At 20, your range is 18 - 20.
    At 25, your range becomes 18 to 23.
    At 30, your range of interest expands to 23 to 28 year old women. Sometimes including a 35 year old. That can be both interesting and dangerous. Regardless, it keeps getting better for as long as you can resist the TRAP and stay single.

    You know you are in trouble when that girl you just met... you just can't get her out of your mind. You are unhappy unless you are together, or you have plans. All you do is think of her and how to please her (oh my goodness, you are NOT thinking of yourself all the time - Yes, it is love.) It becomes hopeless when she reciprocates. People generally get married when they (think that they) can't live without each other. Love is a form of insanity.

    As a divorce attorney, they come to see me when they can't stand to live together anymore.

    Coming full circle, those that have read or otherwise understand the principles of and put into practice "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"...well, their marriages tend to survive or last longer. Other positive factors are honesty, integrity, and caring. Drugs, alcohol and gambling tend to destroy relationships.

    So, what did you say you were going to do about this lost love of yours if she shows interest in you or a relationship?

    Just to prove my point, re-read what you have written about your situation and feelings, PRINT it out, then HI-LITE that portion in which
    1. you describe her feelings about you
    2. what you think about her
    (NO, not the part about how you hurt like a kicked puppy)

    You now have a CLUE about the potential for a meaningful relationship with this particular girl.

    Last Friday (19th) was my 21st wedding anniversary and I still don't want to live without my best friend.
    Unfortunately, she died 8 years ago, and I miss her each and every day.
    Fortunately, she blessed us with three daughters, all as beautiful and intelligent as she was.

    When you become a father of daughters, it changes your perspective.
    And, when I heard a young man complaining about the things that you have written (and they were honest feelings, or I would have ignored them) it makes me smile and wax philosophical.
    And I feel protective of my teenage daughters and young women everywhere.
    To a father you are not a fellow male, you are the enemy...of sorts.

    iJon, women are not the equal of men, they are in the words of H.G. Wells "more equal" than mere mortal men.

    So, treat women with respect, be honest and thoughtful, and sometimes entertaining, and love them with all you heart. Listen to their feelings, and don't get tired of hearing what they have to share (and they will sometimes repeat their feelings over and over again); you have to read the book to understand. And, maybe, just maybe, a good woman will love you. She'll know that she loves you because she can't stand to be without you either. Ever. And that can be a very very good thing. :)
  13. solvs macrumors 603


    Jun 25, 2002
    LaLaLand, CA
    It's good that you can move on iJon, and maybe even be friends with her again. Maybe even get back together after you have both grown up a little and can figure out what you both want. It's good that you are being realistic and allow yourself to feel bad without "pining" for her or trying to "win" her back right away and can accept that she may not be coming back. Things may not have been going bad, but they may not have been going that good, and maybe she could see that better than you.

    Of course, she may just be pushing you away (you mentioned things were bad for her at home and you are a nice guy, made me think about that), so the most important thing you can do is still be her friend. Make it clear that you are not a fall back guy ( my ex still tries to get my hopes up to make herself feel better :rolleyes: ) and that you won't be there to listen to her complain about how the other guys she dates aren't you (it happens). It's a fine line, but if she means that much to you, it can be worth it.

    If you really loved her, you may suffer for awhile, but eventually it does get better. Eventually. The more you love, the more it hurts and the longer it lasts. Sorry.
  14. wrc fan macrumors 65816

    wrc fan

    Jan 19, 2003
    In a world where LPs are made like pancakes
    My girlfriend has been driving me crazy for the past 4 years (we were friends for about 4 years before we got together as well). I think we've broken up and gotten back together about 6 times. And I often feel like I should break up with her after seeing her, but then when we're apart I can't stand being without her. Ugh, it drives me insane. Everyone is pressuring us to get married, cause we've been dating so long, but how can we when everything is so screwed up? I wish sometimes that we would just break up and never talk again sometimes, and then other times I see us being married, and think it is a reality. Women are just too darn confusing.

    Anyway, hope you all enjoyed my vent.
  15. iJon thread starter macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    yeah i called her last night to just talk and it was nice. i finally asked her that i need to know the exact reason for closure and to make me feel better. sht old me she really hadnt thought about it but she feels that i felt more stongly towards her then she did me. i completly understood and felt better afterwards just because i didnt have to keep wondering anymore. we both agreed that we wanted to work on our friendship and keeping it, although we know we probably wont be best friends anymore. we realized that no one can replace what we had right now and we need time. when i look at this as a whole i realize more that this is just temporary feelings and its really not that bad, i know some of you older guys are thinking that as well. this high school guy lost his first serious girlfriend and he feels like the world has come to an end. i do plan to start dating soon, i just need some time, possibly trying to pursue something with my homecoming date which i have known forever and is a real good friend.

  16. kiwi_the_iwik macrumors 65816


    Oct 30, 2001
    London, UK
    OK, you asked for it...

    Get ready for a sob...

    Well - if you'd have asked me a year ago, then I would have said that there was nothing wrong with my marriage.

    However, I couldn't have been further from the truth...

    My wife and I had known each other for 9 years - we were married 7 years ago, and have a beautiful little 3 1/2 year old son, Oscar, who we both adore.

    After we moved back to the UK after a year's absence, leaving our family and friends in Sydney behind, we had the intention of buying a house, getting decent jobs and saving up for our future. Oscar hadn't come along yet, so we knuckled down.

    About 2 years ago, we decided we had enough money to buy a house - so we stretched ourselves financially to the limit. It was then things got hard - Jo kept telling me that we were in trouble. I took that as being financial - so I put in for more overtime at work. Before I knew it, I was doing 7-8 overtime days per month (I do 12 hour shifts, in irregular hour patterns), and not communicating with her at all. I was caught in a rut, and had no way of getting out.

    Jo had her problems too - She'd just had extensive (and expensive) dental work, was trying to study for a degree in Psychology via correspondance, and was stuck at home with a (then) 2 year old, not working or interacting with many adults. All-in-all, a terrible time for the both of us.

    Then, her grandmother died in Australia. I did what I could, and put her on the next plane home - a 24 hour flight, and a 10 day visit. I had to take time off to look after Oscar, so I started doing some renovating about the house - a nice surprise for Jo when she got back.

    So, there I was - 3 am, plastering my little boy's room whilst he was safely tucked away asleep in my bed (it's the only time to do anything when you've got a youngster...), and I started thinking...

    "...It's NOT financial - it's us..."

    When she came home, I sat her down to tell her how I felt, and how stupid I'd been. I told her that she was the most important person in my life, next to Oscar, and I wanted to save my marriage - at any cost. I mentioned counselling, holidays, everything I could...

    And that's when she said it...

    "I'm really glad you've come to that conclusion, but it's too late - I don't love you anymore..."

    The next few months felt like I was punch-drunk. Sure, we went to counselling, but I had every intention of keeping my marriage; she just wanted to split amicably. I didn't know whether I was coming or going, or whether the next thing I said would cause her to leave me on the spot. I lived in fear - and soon my fears were realised.

    One day, I was doing the washing, and emptying her pockets of tissues, etc. I found a business card, with some guy's name on it - he was the lead singer of a pub band. I asked her whether she wanted me to keep it - she said that he was going to teach her to play the guitar.
    "But I can teach you that - you know I can play the guitar..." No reply.

    A few days later, I was looking after Oscar one night, as she was out with her girlfriends - a now regular occurence. He was playing with her address book, and it fell open - this guy's name was ALL over it - including an email address, and a website. My curiosity got the better of me - and I checked him out. He was a completely UGLY git. I didn't know what hurt the most - that she was spending time with HIM, or that I was better looking than him (that's not vanity - you should really see him...). The next morning I confronted her. She let out a sigh, and told me that she'd kissed him once, but it meant nothing, and he was only a friend.

    "Well," I said. "As long as it was only that, we could work it out."

    "I don't want to work it out," was her reply.

    She decided then and there that enough was enough, and she left at the beginning of December.

    Christmas was a joyous time for me, I can tell you...

    Work were really supportive - I had to go in to see my boss to tell her - she gave me a month off (really, it was supposed to be for as long as I liked, but I couldn't do that to them...), with full pay. I was having a nervous breakdown, and I was looking after a 3 year old as well.

    Jo never abandoned Oscar - she would always be over, seeing him, giving him baths, putting him to bed, etc. She was, and still is, a wonderful mother. I'd never deny her of that accolade.

    Gradually, things got better, and I put myself into a proper routine. I still always had the hope that eventually we'd patch things up, and she'd come back to us - so we could be a family again.

    Now, I think we might be past the point of no return - she now has a boyfriend, and I'm devastated. It's the band guy - I knew it would be. The guy's a bottom-feeder, even though she can't see him for what he really is. It's a relationship with no strings attached - every single guy's dream.

    What's worse is that she's having her 30th birthday party on Friday, and he's playing the venue. A lot of my friends are going - and have asked why I'm not...

    "I dunno - because if I SEE this guy, I'd more than likely want to rip his head off and shove it up his ass."

    That's GBH - you can get 3-5 for that over here, and it's not worth losing Oscar for.

    Life can really suck. I still love my wife, but it's getting so hard to deal with this crap. She wants me to sell the house, but it's Oscar's and my home - and I'm refusing to. My biggest problem is that I will have to buy her out when my mortgage is up for renewal next year, but she doesn't want to wait. I've already given her the family car so she can get to and from work - as my job gives me a car anyway.

    So, I ended up making a decision last week - I'm off to Baghdad through work for 3 months. I know it sounds like I'm running away to join the French Foreign Legion or something, but I need to get away from the situation - so I can think about stuff without seeing her every day. It may be the only way I can have closure. Also, the overtime will help pay off any and all debts that we've accrued - and leave enough left over to pay for a deposit on a rental property for Jo.

    Oscar will be fine - Jo will move back in to the house for the time I'm away (it'll also save her rent), and my child minder will have him for every weekday afternoon after picking him up from nursery. She loves Oscar, and he adores her, so I don't have any problems with that.

    Maybe it might give Jo some space from ME, too - and make her realise that I AM a nice bloke, after all...

    The hardest thing for me is to leave my little boy - I'm dreading it. But if everything works out OK, then I'll end up a more balanced person, which can only be good for him.

    Anyway - I did warn you that this would be sad. On a brighter note, at least I'm attempting to get on with my life, which is a positive.

    Like the catchphrase of the famous Egyptian beer - Diamond Lager - says:

    "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."

  17. MacRAND macrumors 6502a


    May 24, 2003
    Phoenix AZ USA
    Doing just fine


    You should be very proud of yourself for calling her,
    asking about her feelings,
    then listening. Big difference from previous.
    Very impressed.

    Being a "high school kid" is tough and all us "older guys" had to go through it too. It was not always easy. You did good.


    Very interesting story. Sorry for your situation, which you appear to be handling very appropriately. Unfortunately, your wife's conduct is extremely typical for too many women (it's called the QUITING SYNDROME instead of accepting responsibility for your relationship - when they fall out of love and move on, they rarely return to a prior relationship...with the husband.
    Their natural incentive is to QUIT because it is EASIER than working on a difficult relationship, rekindling love lost. It's emotional cowardice and the female brand of Narcissism, which is rarely "cureable". She is what she is.
    Their "new dude" has little or nothing to do with her comparing her new love interest to you. It's all about being easier to move on.
    You are NOT BEING REPLACED, she's just avoiding conflict.

    However, there is one tiny exception -
    you must takeb heroic actions without burning bridges. Don't get nasty and blaming, truth hurts.
    Some women respond and do eventually realize their mistake with the new "love" (which ususally has to turn to "****" before they realize how well you treated her, compare the new failure with what thet had with the husband, and revisit their old feelings.
    It's rare, but it could happen, and it has to be on her terms.
    You seem to have meet the criteria - it's just a matter of waiting it out and hoping (praying helps) she wakes up. In the intrim, just be nice and cheerful.

    Any indication of whinning, hanging on, or "poor hurt me" by you will prevent that. You have to act totally cool - not "hurt" or blaming, which could easily make her back off and runaway again.

    Also, if she feels you have "moved on" without her, she may suddenly realize what she has lost, feel "oh, **** - what have I done? I really blew a good thing". But, this requires exceptional integrity and intelligence ON HER PART, instead of blaming others (you) for her situation, she has to accept responsibility for her situation. The upcoming Christmas (family) holidays can be just such a catalyst. His treating her badly, being a jerk, will help lots. None of this is within your control, it just happens...or not.

    Only you are in a position to judge whether she has enough moxie.
    If they cannot admit their mistake to themselves (regardless of admitting it to you), no man stands a chance. If she doesn't, you really don't want her back anyway; she's spoiled (rotten) goods.

    GOOD NEWS: Finding a younger, even prettier, more honest woman with greater integrity will help loads. Unfortunately, such a woman won't be your kid's natural mother. But true love with a good woman helps to heal ugly scars.

    It takes guts, which you appear to have.

    Stay safe in Baghdad. Good luck with the Mrs., or in finding a new love - the right one is still out there...waiting for a good guy like you. If the right-one is not the Mrs., your bonus is sweet revenge without guilt - because you gave your marriage over 100 percent. Men everywhere are proud of you. Keep looking and make yourself available, which means getting yourself back on the market.

    CAUTION: don't tell the new girl your sad sad story, until she's hooked on you and she asks "what happened". Your honest reply must not be blaming nor sound too heroic. She will probably understand you telling how "she fell out of love without me realizing it was happening, and by the time it was over and she had moved on, it was too late for me to salvage our marriage, though I did try, and not just for the kid. I really loved her, and as the mother of our kid, I always will. Now, I've moved on too.
    So, how are you tonight, dear. You really look great, especially those cool shoes!"
    And if they ask you to compare them to the ex (looks, in bed, etc., DON'T. "That's not really fair to ask of any man, is it? You know, it brings back HURT FEELINGS and I'm trying to get past that. You don't want to do that, do you? Besides, you are nothing like her, you are a completely different and special person...that's why I fell in love with you. Oh, my goodness. I am in love with you. What a great feeling! Thanks for being you!"

    At that point, WATCH OUT because she's going to want to move-in and take over your life. It's the natural maternal instinct, or is it the need to change a man's life to their ideal? Regardless, you are had.

    Gee, I feel like Cyrano.
  18. jelloshotsrule macrumors G3


    Feb 7, 2002
    wow. decent amount to say....

    first, ijon- i'd say you're handling things well. and you certainly don't have what most would call a "bad" breakup. it's a bit remiscent of my recent breakup (not by my choosing)... but that's neither here nor there.

    kiwi- man... that sucks. but as has been said, you seem to be being strong about it. and i like the quote... from a song, taking it a bit further... heh

    "they say what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. well maybe some of us are just too sick and tired of being so damn strong"...

    not cheerful per se. but it's often how i feel...

    it definitely brings back some feeling for me, as my ex-girlfriend's name was jo (joanna)... blah. girls.
  19. iJon thread starter macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    i feel i am handling it very well too. its just this is the first major change in my life since ive been mature (not being in jr high and stuff) i feel kind of bad every now and then , its mainly just change and getting used to things. i am sorry to hear about your breakup jello. i remembered talking every now and then about our relationships on the forums and it seemed you two were real close. time is my friend and thats the only thing that iwll make things better.

  20. MacRAND macrumors 6502a


    May 24, 2003
    Phoenix AZ USA
    ...only time will heal all wounds


    More than TIME healing your wounds, having a kind heart and good attitude helps mending a broken heart tremendously easier.

    Yes, the first big one really hurts, and so does the second, and the...
    What makes it easier is how appropriately you have handled the first ones.
    If you do it well, without anger, bitterness or too much feeling-sorry-for-yourself, you construct a good roadmap to recovery, and that makes it easier to accept and handle. The girl and others end up admiring you for it.

    You are doing good, kid. Keep it up.

    I was always such a disgustingly nice kid, that almost all the girls remained my "friends" after the big breakup (never with a fight), but more importantly, their parents thought I was the one their daughter mistakenly let get away. One set of parents even set me up with an absolute sweetheart of a girl after their daughter married a real jerk and moved away. That blew my mind.

    It's good to be a nice guy.;)
  21. jelloshotsrule macrumors G3


    Feb 7, 2002
    yeah. that's the thing jonny. about 3 weeks prior, i was visiting her... she had taken the day off to hang out (which happened never prior). i was jazzed. we went to central park.... she tells me she's not sure about us.... what??!?!?!

    anyways, we basically tried to see what would happen for the next few weeks after that. i visited her again (the weekend of the blackout) and after seeing american wedding, she told me (in the car) that she didn't want to be together anymore...

    i would tell my friends about the talk and/or the breakup... they were shocked. "what? you and jo? no way!". it was just right. it was a sure thing. there weren't ever any problems (the occasional spate over this or that, but nothing at the core)... we are both pretty committed to remaining good friends. some have said "that never happens". to them i say screw off. sure, it might not, but why not try? why rule it out right away.

    she left things very very slightly open ended... nothing i expect to happen, but if we remain close, she dates a few guys and realizes how dumb 98% of them are... who knows. that said, i'm really not sure what i'd say if she kinda asked me to take her back. the fact is, since being able to take a step back from the relationship i have seen things that kinda bug me about it... just signs of her changing from the simple dressing, kinda punk rock, awesome girl i knew to a bit more businessy, 70 dollar designer french pants wearing, accountant type...

    granted, change isn't bad. and what she's changed into is still not bad. she's a great person and apparently being apart has allowed her to be more active than ever (which boggles my mind, as i never held her back actively)... but i couldn't see some of the things that were there when i was so close to it...

    anyhoo. i'll probably stay with her for a few days when i go back to nyc to work on my senior film... so we'll see how that goes.

    and yes, you are young. as am i. but when you feel something, you feel it. and now i don't know if i'll be able to trust my feelings as much in the future. i mean, i was sure we were together for good. and then bam. so, that might be kinda sucky... ahh well
  22. TEG macrumors 604


    Jan 21, 2002
    Langley, Washington
    Just be lucky that you have had the luck of being with someone. Throughout my travels, and my 3-on, 3-off school schedule, my love life has been nill. It also doesn't help, when people think you're a creep for going after 19-21 year olds when you look 26 (and am actually 20).

    Yea... My Pathetic Life.

    Sorry to hear about it though, hopefully you workout what need to be worked out. Just make sure you live life to the fullest, because you never know what lyes just over the Horizon.

  23. iJon thread starter macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    wow jello, that sounds exactly like my situation. all my friends are like that too, life wtf, you guys arent together anymore, i still find myself telling some friends just because they cant tell any difference even after we have broken up. my friends have said that friends stuff will never work either, and like you i said screw off, and we tried, and so far we are succeeding. i thought things were perfect as well, we had just had our 2 year anniversary and i was feeling better than ever. and like wht the other guy said baout being to nice and then girls wanting to be their gal pal or brother, i was exactly like that. in jr high i was attracted to so many girls and i saw how guys treated them and i learned from that how to treat a girl. finally my best friend and i go together, (me and mallory) and things were perfect. but because of that relationship i am now more of a man and have learned women very well. i have learned to be more agressive and not try to be the nice gal pal. i mean ill be nice to girls and treat them well, but i know when to make a move before we become brother and sister. but it will be fun to date again because i am so confident with women now and im not afraid to call a girl or all that other crap like in the stupid jr high years. all i am glad about is that i treated this girl perfectly and i never cheated on her or made her feel like less of of a person and i think i made her feel the same way,actually i know she did, which is exactly why we are both different people than we were in 9th grade. actually right now i am sitting next to her in english and we are talking just great. i caved and let her read my blog which contains some very deep feelings and thoughts that i have had over the past 2 weeks, hopefully it wasnt a mistake to show her.

  24. jefhatfield Retired


    Jul 9, 2000
    man, this thread is depressing

    but there's a lot of honesty here and that's good

    i know you will get over the pain, but don't expect to forget it straight away...because you can use it to learn which will help you later on in life

    but i can't think of anytime where relationship feels more intense than those years in middle school and high school...that's prolly because it's so new then and there is not too much in life experience to compare it against so it seems like the whole universe

    i hope you get to have many other relationships since i believe that the relationships early in life are great, but often painful learning experiences but will help you when you get married and/or have kids later in life

    when i was in high school, i was in love (had a huge crush, then) with this one freshman girl...i was a sophomore...the next year when i had more guts with girls i thought i may date this other girl who didn't have the same power over me, then we broke up, and i went after this other girl who i never really got together with as a pair...while in the meantime, the original girl i really wanted to date got a i look back on all this twenty years ago, i can still remember the intensity of all of it like it was yesterday

    so while the pain of high school age relationships can subside with time, one never forgets those years and really there is nothing wrong with that
  25. wdlove macrumors P6


    Oct 20, 2002
    iJon sorry to hear about your breakup. I'm sure that it will all work out for the best. Everything happens for a reason. It will take time for you to see the benefits.

    My situation happend quicker. Met my wife around Valentine's Day. It was love at first site. So when I ask her to marry me on the third date, she said yes.

    The problem was that I was in nursing school at the time. I'm the type that needs to concentrate. She tended to call me daily. So it interfered with my concentration. The only way that I knew to correct the situation was to get angry with her! So I didn't really speak with her till the term ended.

    To make a long story short we got married that September. We have been happily married for 31 years. So you can see that there is always reason for optimism!

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