Bit of advice ... caught between boy and man .... youth vs adult

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by snowydog, Aug 9, 2012.

  1. snowydog macrumors 6502

    Aug 25, 2011
    I am engaged, have been for one year .... been with my fella for 3 years ... I love him to bits ... I really really do! If I lost him, I'd be devastated and vice versa...he does everything for me and I do so much for me..

    But I can't get this guy from my teenage years out of my head .. I'm friends with his sister, good friends ... and she tells me about him .... I went out with him for about 6 months when we were 16 .. but we were friends from about 10 .. right up until about 19, when I met my fiancé!

    altho we only went out for 6 months, I think the fact that he was a close friend made our bond a bit more special! He told me we'd be like ross and rachel from friends - on and off until eventually we end up together!

    I don't think I'd want to be with him, but I have to be honest and say I'm jealous of his current girlfriend. He's been on and off with her for a few years ... they lived togehter, were engaged (though not anymore) etc, but me and him still flirted when we hung out together, even though I knew it was wrong and we were both taken!

    It's pulling myhead apart - I think it's more of a first love, first crush kinda thing...I'm close to his mum, sister and dad...his mum always said she had a hat for our wedding! ...

    As much as I love my fiance (and I know you'll say to question our relationship but he really does bring me happiness and I rarely think of my childhood sweetheart when I'm with him) ... I just sometimes think of the other guy when I'm on my own!!

    Last time I seen him was last year, we hung out (me, him, his sister, and our mutual friend) .. had drinks, played pool, flirted big time, but obviously nothing happened .....

    I think it's just because he was my first real love ... but I'm finding it hard to forget about him, especially as I'm growing older (23) and moving on in life!
  2. ender land, Aug 9, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2012

    ender land macrumors 6502a

    Oct 26, 2010
    I immediately thought of The Notebook.

    Someone please kill me.

    edit- more seriously, I can understand this. I think there is a place in our heart for everyone we love and are loved by, especially romantically.
  3. espiritujo, Aug 9, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2012

    espiritujo macrumors member


    Sep 19, 2011
    columbia, sc
    I think the safest thing to do is to move on from it. If you try to interfere with him and his girlfriend, you might ruin your friendship forever. I would suggest just living your life, trying to forget about him for a short period of time. Find a new hobby, something that will consumer your time while you're off moving on from it all. Don't make this last forever though. Whenever he breaks up with his current girlfriend (which I'm assuming he probably will), reconnect then. It'll be good because you two will have so much to catch up on, and then just let things play by ear. I just think that it's not worth risking your entire friendship if he has a girlfriend. If he really is the one, than he'll break up with his girlfriend in the future. If he doesn't, then you know you deserve someone better than that, someone that knows that you truly love that person. Just my opinion though. Good luck with everything, I was almost in the same situation like that, and it was hard seeing her with someone else, especially that someone else being my best friend.

    EDIT: Totally forgot that you stated that you were engaged. I would quickly confront this confusion and peril, because you don't want to ruin your fiance's life by pursuing your former childhood friend and leave him with questions unanswered. I would communicate with him, and discuss your dilemma and discuss if you two are really meant to get married. Be civil, but also state your problem
  4. Kendo macrumors 68000

    Apr 4, 2011
    I'm not sure your fiance is the right person for you. When you are with him, you should be at your happiest. When you aren't with him, you should be wishing you were with him (and not thinking of another guy).

    That is the way I feel about the love of my life. You can't even call me heterosexual anymore because I no longer have eyes for any other girl, just her.

    I'm not trying to sound insensitive or anything. If you have thoughts like the above while your relationship is relatively young, what happens 10 years from now when the passion dies down?
  5. AhmedFaisal Guest

    1. You shouldn't be getting married because you obviously aren't committed.
    2. Pick one. If it's the other guy, who gives a **** if he is in a relationship. If he's happy he'll tell you to bugger off, if not, then you are doing both of them a favor.
    3. Don't string your fiance along, you are not 100% in this relationship so let him go and find someone who is.

    And don't complain that I am giving you hard choices. Welcome to adult life. Only kids get easy outs.
  6. MacNut macrumors Core


    Jan 4, 2002
    First of all, 19 is way to young to be talking about marriage. 23 is not growing old. I don't see it working out being so young. Live your life first than get serious with someone.
  7. ucfgrad93 macrumors P6


    Aug 17, 2007
    Well said, and I completely agree.
  8. phas3 macrumors 65816

    Oct 5, 2008
  9. eric/ Guest


    Sep 19, 2011
    Ohio, United States
    Yup. Immaturity. Shouldn't be getting married at such a young age, even more so when you think about some other dude.
  10. ejb190 macrumors 65816


    I was dating someone else quite seriously before my wife and I got engaged. Sure, I still think about her. I even sometimes wonder "what if". But I also know my wife and I have been through thick and thin this last couple of years and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

    You know the statistics by now. Over fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. If you don't go into a marriage with both parties determined to make it work, it's not going to. And if you are always looking over your shoulder wondering "what if", it isn't going to work. So I suggest you do two thing. First, take a step back from both guys and figure out what you want. Second, seek out some heavy-duty, industrial strength pre-marriage counseling (not one of these fluffy classes they try to pass off as counseling these days).

    From the sounds of it, I think you already know your answer. Do you really want to be lead on for the next 3, 5, 10 years with heartbreak and the hope that you end up like some TV show? Do you want to gamble what could be a sure thing for the chance of a fictional TV-like romance? But at the end of the day, it's your life.

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