Coming Out

Discussion in 'Politics, Religion, Social Issues' started by pellets007, Dec 20, 2011.

  1. pellets007 macrumors 6502a

    pellets007

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2009
    Location:
    New York
    #1
    I'm gay but everyone still thinks otherwise - friends, family, everyone. I am so tired of this facade that I put on. I wish it didn't matter who I liked, but unfortunately I live in the bible belt. Adding to that, I'm 18 so my parents are well within their right to throw me out. I will be out of the house in six months, but I have nothing to support me until then.

    I worry more about how my friends will take it, though. They aren't exactly the most open minded people. I go to a small (practically private) school and would be the only person 'out,' and for that I fear being an outcast. I know the old adage about how my true friends won't care, but I can't imagine it's a good feeling to lose people you've known for a year.

    Any advice? ;\
     
  2. ct2k7 macrumors 603

    ct2k7

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    Aug 29, 2008
    Location:
    London or Florida
    #2
    I can't really give advice, because I am in a similar situation, but I wish you the best of luck.
     
  3. hayduke macrumors 65816

    hayduke

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2005
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    is a state of mind.
    #3
  4. dmr727 macrumors G3

    dmr727

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2007
    Location:
    Southern California
    #4
    As a straight guy, perhaps I shouldn't even open my mouth, but what the hell:

    As much as you shouldn't have to, I'd wait until you have a place to go before telling your folks. I've had more than one gay friend get 'disowned', at least initially, from coming out. One had parents that I knew well - parents I never would have thought would do such a heinous thing. They eventually came around, but it took some time.

    Hard for me to say about your school, though. Are you done in the Spring? I personally think your friends will surprise you with regard to how cool they'll be. But the rest of the school, especially a small private school? Man - I dunno. If you only have one more semester, perhaps it'll be easier to wait until the Summer.

    I hate saying that you should should hide the person you are, and it sickens me that we live in a world where this conversation is even necessary, but damn - it seems to me that things would be a lot easier if you could stick it out another six months.
     
  5. Surely Guest

    Surely

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2007
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    #5
    ^^^^Funny, I was going to type something just like that. Thanks for saving me the trouble.:p


    All I know is that if my toddler son turns out to be gay, telling me and his mom will be the easiest thing he'll ever have to do. He's awesome and I'll love him no matter what his sexual orientation turns out to be.



    pellets007, I wish you all the best in your decision. And damn, a gay hockey fan?!? Wait until Lee finds out!:p;)
     
  6. Queen of Spades macrumors 68030

    Queen of Spades

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Location:
    The Iron Throne
    #6
    I know it can be a huge emotional burden to be in the closet, but I would probably wait the six months until you're able to support yourself. Your safety and health comes first. Six months may seem like a long time now, but it's not long in the scheme of your life, and you don't want to worry about being out on the street.

    My best advice for you is to be secure with your own sexuality first. It sounds like you've had enough hiding, so I'd say you're probably there. Your attitude is important. I came out later (early 20s), and by then I was sure of myself and more than ready. I knew what I needed to be happy and my friends and family knew it was important to me. Even if they had decided to disown me forever, I was okay with myself and ready to live my life for myself. Everyone on this earth sees to their own happiness, you should be able to do the same.

    If your friends reject you, that will be painful, no doubt about it. But would you rather hold onto people that will only love a filtered version of yourself? A version of yourself where you aren't happy? At 18, you have your entire life ahead of you to make friends with awesome people. I can't say I'm friends with many of the people I was friends with at 18 - but in my 20s, I have incredible, amazing friends. You will too.

    I am going to hope your friends and family will surprise you, but if not, you'll have to forgive them or their narrow-minded ignorance. It's not your fault, you deserve to be happy. Good luck, and if you ever need to vent, I'd be happy to listen.
     
  7. pellets007 thread starter macrumors 6502a

    pellets007

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2009
    Location:
    New York
    #7
    Yeah, we move every year or two. Makes me wish I would have come out sooner.

    I absolutely love your advice. I've read about how much more free and open minded people are at college. But I'm actually going to a military academy for the next four years. I can't see that being better than coming out in high school.

    Gotta love my Pens. :)
     
  8. leekohler, Dec 20, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2011

    leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #8
    Hey- I can tell you right now, with the demise of DADT, you'll be fine. No one cares. The closest I've come to that is hockey. I have never felt more support in my life, and I was scared. I play with almost all straight guys, and they're amazing.

    No one cares who you sleep with. They only care about your ability to do your job or be a friend. All my hockey guys have come out to support me after my broken foot.

    Your friends will do no less. Give your friends more credit. If they love you, they won't care.
     
  9. Queen of Spades macrumors 68030

    Queen of Spades

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    May 9, 2008
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    The Iron Throne
    #9
    Not to be Debbie Downer or anything, pellets007, but I would not expect such a rosy outcome as leekohler paints at military school. While the official policies of our government (finally) may make it so that it'd be illegal to exclude you or treat you differently because of your sexuality, any time you're around a bunch of teenagers and under 21s, you will find a lot of immaturity and ignorance. I don't think it will be the majority, but unfortunately some people still care who you sleep with. If they care, they're not worth being friends with.

    I certainly hope you'll have a positive experience across the board, and things are certainly changing every day, but I don't want you to get lulled into a false sense of impending utopia. You may still have to deal with some BS, but the older and more secure you become with yourself, the easier it will get. And I promise you, it's worth it. Being out and living your life is like having a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. You will no doubt meet some amazing, supportive people in military school. They're everywhere once you open yourself up.
     
  10. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #10
    Agreed. Even those people who may be immature will get it, probably sooner than later.
     
  11. Andeavor macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2010
    #11
    I can't believe this is still going on... but then again, many Americans have the craziest reasons to disown their children (even the straight ones), something that shouldn't even be made possible by law, especially at such a young age.

    To be honest, if I were you, you shouldn't mention a thing to anybody because frankly, it's none of their business. I know you'll ask if you couldn't flaunt your sexuality, why can the others? The question rather is, why is it important at all to know who is sleeping with whom? In the end it's all a personal preference and unless you're asking to sleep with the entire football team (not a suggestion) you have no reason to reveal to everyone what gender you prefer in bed.

    I generally don't disclose my sexuality, not because of the fear of rejection, but because I'm tired of having random friends shoehorning me into a stereotype I won't fit in. People are people and should treat each other with respect - at any age and social position.
     
  12. thatoneguy82 macrumors 68000

    thatoneguy82

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    Jul 23, 2008
    Location:
    Beach Cities, CA
    #12
    I went through something similar like this through high school and the beginning of college. I pretended that I was straight throughout high school and I thought I'd do it for the rest of my life. I was scared of my parents and my family. I didn't want them to know, I didn't know how they would react, but I knew that it wouldn't be good. College came and went through a lot things, I finally came out to my friends, close friends first. They were shocked but they were accepting. They never knew I would or could be gay. This was in 2000. For several years, only my friends knew and no one in my family. I had settled in my sexuality and was dating guys. I was then "forced" by a friend to come out to my siblings, and my siblings in law by a friend. They didn't really give me a reaction, it was like "yeah, we've known, we were just waiting for you to tell us." That made me feel better.

    Now, my parents. They took took much later, but she approached me. She already knew for a long time and so has my dad. And they were fine with it. After that, I no longer felt so distant with my family. This "deceit" was keeping me separate from them, now I feel closer to them.

    Of course, I had a lot of trials and tribulations during this process. But, it forced me to really get to know who I am. I really can't imagine hiding that part of me, because it isn't a "part" of me. It IS me. It took some time for me to feel comfortable that. There are so many expectations that society has that you feel you need to live up to. Letting go and doing what is best for you takes time, and is different for each person. You're 18, you still have a life a head of you, make a decision that you can live with right now. I did. And not to get trite, but it gets better.
     
  13. mobilehaathi macrumors G3

    mobilehaathi

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Location:
    The Anthropocene
    #13
    Hang in there buddy. Anything I might have said has already been said, so I'll just send some good juju your way. It definitely gets better.
     
  14. Ugg macrumors 68000

    Ugg

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    Apr 7, 2003
    Location:
    Penryn
    #14
    Enjoy life for what it is, not for what you want it to be. It seems like you've got a pretty good handle on things and that's the most important thing of all.
     
  15. pellets007 thread starter macrumors 6502a

    pellets007

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2009
    Location:
    New York
    #15
    Perhaps it's me being irrational or just a pansy, but I'm tired of being alone. Although I'm not quite sure if coming out will help with that, maybe it'll feel better than living my life as other want me to. I am sick of vehemently denying everything and dancing around questions as to show no inkling of who I truly am. Yet at the same time I fear rejection from the very same people I desire to tell. As much as I would love to say that their thoughts don't matter, as a teenager, that's a very difficult concept to grasp. Alas, it seems like a vicious, never ending cycle.


    Well thank you. I do have a lot of things going for me at the moment; I landed my first job and in six months, will be off to one of the best schools in the US (thankfully without needing money from my parents ;)).
     
  16. Ugg macrumors 68000

    Ugg

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    Apr 7, 2003
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    Penryn
    #16
    It's so hard and I was in my mid twenties before I came out. Even my grandma had figured it out by then, but in the end we need to make our own decisions even if others question them. It can be tough to come out when we're still dependent on our parents but it can be tougher to run the gauntlet of questioning friends.

    There is no single right answer, only what's best for you.
     
  17. gkarris, Dec 21, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2012
  18. ender land macrumors 6502a

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    Oct 26, 2010
    #18
    If "friends" disown you because of this, it seems you may wish to reconsider those friendships :)
     
  19. Andeavor macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2010
    #19
    I know that feeling of dancing around a touchy subject. I've come to using the phrase 'why do you have to know?' As long as I don't inquire about someone's love or sex life, I don't expect them doing so with me.

    As for fear of rejection. You cannot control someone's reaction. It can go either way, so be prepared for the worst. As long as you are confident in your own feelings and well-being, the people around you will pick that up and re-evaluate their judgments - if there are any.

    It works the other way around, too, you know. Other people can't control your life. So if you happen to come across someone in your family or circle of friends who thinks they know better than you, you simply ask them for you support in whatever (life, school, trouble, etc.) and if they can't cope then it's their problem and not yours.
     
  20. MadeTheSwitch macrumors 6502a

    MadeTheSwitch

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2009
    #20
    Exactly. If you're friends aren't there for you, then they were never really your friends to begin with. And you'll end up finding new friends who really truly support you. Your parents are a different story though. You only have one set of parents and only you can know best about how they will react. How do they act towards other gay people?
     
  21. gkarris, Dec 22, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2012
  22. rdowns macrumors Penryn

    rdowns

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2003
    #22
    Some great advice from dmr727 and Queen of Spades. I'll just add that I hope it all works out for you.
     
  23. Grey Beard macrumors 65816

    Grey Beard

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2005
    Location:
    The Antipodes.
    #23
    You must remember that the whole issue is about you. Coming out certainly has it's ups and downs, but what they think and how they react is their problem, not yours.

    Just be yourself, take a deep breath of Northern Hemisphere winter air and go for it. You know that you can come back here anytime for advice, countless others have done it and many more will in time to come.

    KGB;)
     
  24. pellets007 thread starter macrumors 6502a

    pellets007

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2009
    Location:
    New York
    #24
    They are both pretty closed-minded people. My mother is intolerant. Just today she was upset at a cashier and a customer who were speaking spanish. Verbatim, her words were, "they are in our country, they should speak our language." :rolleyes: My father, as a soldier, has pretty much embraced the DADT attitude. I think he would take it much better than my mother.

    I distinctly remember watching TV with them and a commercial came on, explaining that match.com was now for gay couples. My mother said, "that's just wrong," and my father agreed. Don't get my wrong, I'm not trying to portray them as heinous monsters, but they are very set in their beliefs. I don't think that they would throw me out over it, but I accept that it is a possibility and well within their right.
     
  25. Andeavor macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2010
    #25
    Unless the cashier spoke to your mother in Spanish only she should have no issue with either of them.

    Just FHI (for her information), about 80% of all English speakers in the world speak it as a second language.

    Just keep this in mind for argument's sake; Nobody can "disagree" with sexuality as much as they can't disagree with the sky being blue or grey - it just is whatever the weather conditions. At the same, they can't 'not believe' in it as they can't argue the same for their own love and attraction. It is what it is and what they feel. (I hope I got that right...)

    I know, it won't be easy convincing an ignorant person on a fact or an attitude on something they don't understand, but as long as it's right for you and it doesn't afflict physical or psychological harm on any other person, you have nothing to fear, and as long as you give your parents all the love you can give them, it should have a positive effect on their attitude about your person. It's karma at its best.
     

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