Critic A Play

Discussion in 'Community' started by *Y*, Nov 11, 2004.

  1. *Y* macrumors regular

    Oct 19, 2004
    This is for all the writers out there. I have wrote a play and I would like for people to evaluate it and give me feedback so I can improve it. Thanks ahead of time. :) :) :)

    Here it is:

    A Cookie
    Timmy: a second grader who is the main character of the story
    Mother: Timmy's mother
    The Bullies: (all second graders)
    Johnny; the main bully
    Bobby: Johnny's right man
    Mike: Johnny's left man

    Stage: The stage should be set up like an elementary school lunchroom. Timmy is eating his lunch. The bullies come up to him.

    Johnny: Hey timmy did your mommy make that for you? Huh? Did she?

    Timmy (very hesitant): Yeah, yeah she did.

    Bobby: Hey let me see that sandwich , you don't need it anyways.

    Timmy: No get away from me. What do you want ?

    Johnny: Ooh a trying to fight back, stop trying. You know you can't do anything about it anyways, so why try?

    Timmy (looks around and sees a teacher): Teacher, teacher these boys are bullying me.

    (The teacher walks up to the table)

    Teacher: Boys what are you doing?

    Bobby: We were just asking about that sandwich he has and for some reason Timmy, here, just got real upset and called you over. I have no clue what is wrong with him.

    Teacher: Timmy just wants to be alone so leave him alone, ok?

    Johnny: Sure. Guys lets go talk to someone who doesn't get upset over a sandwich

    Johnny: (whispering too Timmy) You just wait after school

    Scene Two:

    Stage: the stage should be set up like the back like the back of the school building. It should also have some grassy area in the front.

    (The doors opens and Timmy slowly walks out the back of the building. The bullies pounce on him.)

    Bobby: Thought you could get away from us. Did ja?

    Johnny: Well think again.

    (Johnny punches him and then the rest of the boys are on him, beating him. Timmy tries to defend himself but to no avail. A little bit later the bullies leave)

    Timmy: Ohh, ahh, my stomach, ouch. I should really get home.

    Scene Three

    Stage: the stage should be set to depict the inside of a house. The mother should be sitting in a chair, busy with the paper work scattered on the table. Timmy comes in.

    Timmy: Hi mommy. Something bad happened to me today at school. The bullies picked on me.

    Mother: Hold on. (Finishes writing something and lifts her head) Oh my goodness what happened to you. You look terrible. Are you ok?

    Timmy: I am ok. It hurts a little but I am ok. It is those bullies that told you about they picked on me today after school.

    Mother: I will call the principal right now and tell her what happened
    (she picks up the phone and starts dialing a number.)

    Mother: Hello is this the principal? Yes. I am the mother of Timmy Chartor. My son was bullied today after school. He says that some bullies pick on him all the time in school and that today they even went as far to beat him up. What do you mean you can't do anything about. This is my son's security we are talking about here. Oh you want me to get the police involved, since you can't do anything about it. Oh so you are going to talk to those kids. Well all right get back to me as soon as possible.

    Mother: Timmy the principal said that she will talk to those boys about what happened, but she can't do much more. I don't know what we are going to do.

    Timmy: Mommy, I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

    Mother: Timmy you have to or else the bullies won. You can't let them destroy your life. We will do something about it.

    Timmy: Well, what am I supposed to do for right now? What would you do if you were in my place, Mommy?

    Mother: Well Timmy, to tell you the truth I don't know. Think about what Jesus would do. He said "love your enemies". I doesn't really say what we to do in a situation like this but it tells us that we should battle evil with good.

    Timmy: What do you mean?

    Mother: Try to be nice to the boys that bully you.

    Timmy: How is that going to help me?

    Mother: You would be surprised at the things it could do.

    Timmy: Ok mommy, I will try.

    Scene Four:

    Stage: The next day at school. The stage should be set to depict a classroom. The teacher is explaining something.

    Johnny: Hey Timmy, you didn't get enough yesterday?

    Timmy: What are talking about?

    Johnny: Ahh whatever, what is that you have there huh?

    Timmy: Huh, it's just some cookies I am eating, Do you want some?

    Johnny: When I will want some I will take the whole bag, dork-face

    Scene Five:

    Stage: The children are going to lunch.

    Johnny: Ohh lunch. yea-ah!

    Johnny: No. nooo! (he trips and falls his lunch-box goes flying in the air. It opens and all the food falls out. All the kids start laughing except Timmy.)

    Timmy: Here you go. I see your food fell on the floor. Here have a half of my sandwich. It is very good.

    (Johnny grabs the sandwich and walks away)

    Scene Six:

    Stage: Timmy is seating at a lunch table eating his lunch. In the background he sees the bullies approaching.

    Bobby: Let's sit down with our "friend' Timmy over there.

    Johnny: No let's sit down at that table over there

    Bobby: Ok, fine

    Mike: Sure why not, I love bullying those dorks

    (all of them sit down and start eating lunch)

    Johnny: You guys sit tight over here, I gotta talk to someone.

    Mike: yeah, yeah

    (Johnny gets up and goes over to Timmy on the other side of the lunchroom)

    Johnny: Uhh, i don't know how to say this. Thanks.

    Timmy: (joyful look on his face) sure

    Johnny: Oh, by the way do you have any of those cookies left?

    Timmy: Yeah
  2. zimv20 macrumors 601


    Jul 18, 2002
    are you going for realism or the absurd?

    from a staging standpoint, your page to scene ratio is way too low; the scene changes would be longer than the scenes themselves.

    i'd lose bobby and mike, they're not adding anything.
  3. kgarner macrumors 68000


    Jan 28, 2004
    Sorry, just too funny to pass up. :D
  4. 4409723 Suspended


    Jun 22, 2001
    It's hard to critique without knowing what level the play is meant to be read/performed at. A little more info?
  5. *Y* thread starter macrumors regular

    Oct 19, 2004
    Well I guess this play is not meant to be performed. I guess it should just be read or it could be a teleplay :) :) :)
  6. zimv20 macrumors 601


    Jul 18, 2002
    a story put into play format is done so specifically to be performed. rather than rationalize the unstage-ability of your play, why don't you fix it?
  7. OnceUGoMac macrumors 6502a


    Mar 3, 2004
    Ha! Hopefully my agent doesn't see this or he'll sue. I wrote a play called "Lactose Intolerant" about 4 Kindergartners with personalities of what they'll be like in 30 years. Good luck with yours. :)

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