Divorce-Separation

Discussion in 'Politics, Religion, Social Issues' started by HitchHykr, Jan 5, 2012.

  1. HitchHykr macrumors 6502a

    HitchHykr

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2007
    Location:
    Virginia
    #1
    Well, it looks like I'll be getting divorced, all my kids are over 18 so that's not an issue. Hopefully it will be amicable but you never know.....

    Any hints or helpful insights from those of you that have gone through this will be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. mcrain macrumors 68000

    mcrain

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    Location:
    Illinois
    #2
    Remember that money and stuff can be replaced. Try to keep some perspective on how important something actually is to you, and try to avoid bickering over things that can be replaced.

    As for amicable vs. not, divorce is hard already, it helps to try to not let yourself get more angry over the divorce proceedings themselves. Be cordial, don't argue, and remember you were friends and lovers before, you can be civil even during the worst of times.

    Sorry you are going through this, but if it weren't for my divorce, I would never have my son or my wife.
     
  3. HitchHykr thread starter macrumors 6502a

    HitchHykr

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    Jun 13, 2007
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    #3
    Thanks mcrain, that sounds like good advice. I'm concerned with how contentious it may get as she has some very feisty friends and her parents are not too fond of me.
     
  4. ericrwalker macrumors 68030

    ericrwalker

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    #4
    Sorry to hear this. I don't have any advice really, but I do have a friend who has gone through this three times. Now he is living with/engaged to his first wife and he seems to be doing well.

    Funny how things turn out sometimes.
     
  5. iJohnHenry macrumors P6

    iJohnHenry

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    #5
    Kids over 18 can be an issue, unless they are fully independent of support.

    Thinking school first, then possibly disabilities.
     
  6. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

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    #6
    I hate to tell you this, but this is going to affect your adult children, especially the ones who are more sensitive.

    I'm not trying to sound unsupportive, but all of my friends who's parents divorced when they were adults reacted pretty badly.

    Good luck to you and I hope it goes as smoothly as possible.
     
  7. HitchHykr thread starter macrumors 6502a

    HitchHykr

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    #7
    Yeah, I know my kids will be affected, I'm just going to have to be very patient for them and not cause any unnecessary burdens.
     
  8. yg17 macrumors G5

    yg17

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    St. Louis, MO
    #8
    Yeah, I would think children, no matter how old, would be affected. I'm 25 and not sure how I would react if my parents divorced. I think as an adult there's more pressure from each parent to take their side as you understand what's going on more than a child, but unless one of my parents completely screwed up (abuse, cheated, etc) then it would be impossible for me to take sides and choose one over the other.

    Best of luck to you and your children, I hope it goes as smoothly as a divorce can go.
     
  9. leftywamumonkey macrumors 6502a

    leftywamumonkey

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    #9
    I think it's important for the children to know why the parents are getting divorced before they create their own explanation. But maybe I'm wrong.
     
  10. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

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    Chicago, Illinois
    #10
    I think you're right. But I'm certainly no expert.
     
  11. mcrain macrumors 68000

    mcrain

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    #11
    Feisty friends and unfriendly parents can be a problem, especially if you are getting a divorce over something you did or a general breakdown of the relationship where she's basically fed up with you. The old cliche is a cliche because there really is nothing worse than a woman scorned.

    I wish you luck. Do your best to stay positive and avoid conflict, but if she wants a fight, you're not going to change her mind. Have you ever?
     
  12. obeygiant macrumors 68040

    obeygiant

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    #12
    Why are you getting a divorce if you don't mind me asking?
     
  13. mcrain macrumors 68000

    mcrain

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    #13
    Dude, that's like asking an inmate what they did. "I'm innocent!"

    In this case, however, it's "she's a..." fill in the blank.
     
  14. obeygiant macrumors 68040

    obeygiant

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    #14
    That doesn't answer anything. There is a bunch of answers he could give, irreconcilable differences, infidelity, addictions, ect. As a ****ing lawyer you should know that "she's a bitch" won't work on the divorce paper work. :D
     
  15. mcrain macrumors 68000

    mcrain

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    #15
    Worked on mine! *rim shot* I know there are tons of answers, but it's prison yard etiquette not to ask...
     
  16. Tomorrow macrumors 604

    Tomorrow

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    #16
    Remember, it's not their business - it's yours. And if you need to calmly and politely remind them of that fact, do so.

    Regardless of what they think they know, they haven't lived it; only you and your spouse know what happened.
     
  17. HitchHykr thread starter macrumors 6502a

    HitchHykr

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    #17
    It's a fair question. She's basically fed up with me. She apparently has been unhappy for a number of years and finally had enough. I don't think I'm that different than many other men, I never had an affair, there was no abuse - though she claims emotional abuse. I just think she had unrealistic expectations on life.
     
  18. obeygiant macrumors 68040

    obeygiant

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    #18
    Btw sorry to use "****ing" in front of lawyer, just an old habit I guess. :(
     
  19. HitchHykr thread starter macrumors 6502a

    HitchHykr

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    Jun 13, 2007
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    Virginia
    #19
    She does have an unhealthy "admiration" for alcohol, maybe it is/was the stress. I hope that she doesn't spiral into an alcoholic. To be hones I hope that this works out for her and she finds the happiness that she's looking for. I don't love her anymore but I do care about her as a person.
     
  20. ericrwalker macrumors 68030

    ericrwalker

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    #20
    Disney stories will do that to people, have you tried going into song in the middle of a conversation?

     
  21. HitchHykr thread starter macrumors 6502a

    HitchHykr

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    #21
    Not too far from that. She was raised as their princes and her primary goal in life was getting married. No career, studies, etc type goals. I guess I should have seeing it coming....
     
  22. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

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    Chicago, Illinois
    #22
    Well, these things happen. I just helped a friend get through a divorce. I had been close to him and his wife for 14 years. What stunk was having to choose one over the other. You really do have to choose or you get stuck in the middle. Now that it's over, they're both my friends again.
     
  23. ericrwalker macrumors 68030

    ericrwalker

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    #23
    I have a sister-in-law who thinks she's a princess as well. She's the "cute" one of the family. She's still young, (21 I think). She might be in for a rude dose of reality some day.
     
  24. Happybunny macrumors 68000

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2010
    #24
    All I've got to say most divorces do not end well.
    All you can do is hope for the best and plan for the worse.

    One golden tip I can give you is on no circumstance 'Introduce your new younger girlfriend, to your ex-wife'
    This I found out makes a bad situation, into a very bad situation fast.
     
  25. mscriv, Jan 5, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2012

    mscriv macrumors 601

    mscriv

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Dallas, Texas
    #25
    Aw man, so sorry to hear about this. Divorce is never easy no matter what the circumstances. It's a loss of an intimate nature and thus you will experience grief in all of it's various stages.

    The first thing I would suggest regarding your children is never talk negatively about your spouse to them. It doesn't matter how old they are it is never a positive thing for you to "put down" or "bash" your wife (their mother) to them. Be supportive to them during this process because they will be hurting. It's okay to talk about things, but you don't have to go into excessive detail. Be intentional about maintaining your relationship with them despite how the family dynamics have changed. The holidays will be especially difficult the first couple of years following the divorce.

    Find some friends and positive people who can be supportive to you during the healing process. Seek a support group or professional help if you feel you need that. I don't know if you are a person of faith, but there is a program offered in some church's called "Divorce Care" that functions like a support group. The point is that you need to find healthy ways to heal. Don't turn to substances or negative coping methods to deal with or simply "numb" the pain.

    Don't jump immediately into a new relationship. Take some time to focus on yourself. Maybe take up a hobby or focus on some goals you may have been putting off for a while. I'm not saying to be a hermit, you need to be social, but don't rush into any kind of committed dating relationship until you have had time to fully heal from this.

    Last, learn from this how you can become a better version of yourself. There's plenty of blame to go around in a divorce. Don't just focus on where you have been hurt or wronged, but do some difficult "looking in the mirror" and take responsibility for anything that you need to. Ask for forgiveness where you need to and offer forgiveness as well. This could easily be the most important part of the entire process. The ultimate goal is to work toward wholeness and you can't do that if you are holding onto things.

    This is by no means an easy process and it will take time. Don't let anyone tell you how quickly you should "get over it". It's not a race, but a journey and the key is simply continuing to move in the right direction, one step at a time.

    Best wishes, let me know if there is anything I can do to help. :)
     

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