Experiences with AA?

Discussion in 'Community' started by dPratt, Feb 22, 2005.

  1. dPratt macrumors member

    Aug 16, 2004
    Knoxville, TN
    Without going into all the details, I recently started dating a great girl who joinged AA just before we met (not for drinking every day, but for drinking too much when drinking). Her sponsor has advised her to not date now, as she should be putting herself first. I respect and understand that... unfortunatley that leaves us in ackward limbo for the time being but that's beside the point. I don't know anyone who's gone through AA so I'm not really sure what to expect, even though she and I have talked about several aspects of the program. Anyone have experiences they'd like to share? I'm wondering how long the 12 steps might take. I'm sure that varies wildy from person to person, but I really have no idea. Of course I'd love to provide any support I can as well. Hopefully we can take things slowly... we'll see what happens with the relationship. So if anyone has and AA thoughts, I'd like to hear them.
  2. iJon macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    I have not experienced it but I can maybe shed some advice. I have a feeling you are going to really need to be there for her, probably tons of emotional support. It would be more than I am willing to provide with the start of dating someone, but if you enjoy your time together and find it worth it then you will probably be valuable asset to her. You can help her keep in line and provide her with support that others may not give her. Good luck and I'm sure someone on the forums can give you specific advice to the situation.

  3. saabmp3 macrumors 6502a

    Jul 22, 2002
    Tacoma, WA
    The first rule of AA is to get out of all relationships that you are currently in. If she's serious about it, you won't be dating much longer. If she doesn't really need it, then she's not going to take the AA seriously.

    Alcoholism is NOT a problem to take lightly. Relationships, in their perfect sense are great to help solve problems, but lets face it, they usually cause undo stress that causes people to get back onto the wagon. Take whatever decision she makes seriously and at it's face value.

  4. 5300cs macrumors 68000


    Nov 24, 2002
    Silly me, I read the title as "experience with American Airlines" :rolleyes:

    Carry on folks...
  5. virividox macrumors 601


    Aug 19, 2003
    Manila - Nottingham - Philadelphia - Santa Barbar
    just be supportive and respectful any decision that she me make.
  6. kettle macrumors 65816


    May 12, 2002
    England, Great Britain (Airstrip One)
    Not the Automobile Association then?

    My name is Kettle and I'm somewhere between Junction 9 and 10 on the M6, sitting on the hard shoulder and seriously pissed.

    seriously, there is not a lot to be done. Nothing that isn't either lengthening or shortening the moment when the problem becomes a problem.
    AA is just a device for assisting with will power.
    Not good not bad. Might be good for finding other similarly willed people, and heaven knows we all need friends.

    right, what time does the pub open....
  7. bubbamac macrumors 6502

    Dec 24, 2003
    Her sponsor is correct. If you had been in a committed, long term relationship, and you had gone in with her (you would likely be part of the problem) to seek help as well, you might stand a chance.

    But as it stands, she's got bigger fish to fry. Much bigger. She's dealing with lots of issues related to alcohol that you most likely can't imagine. To add a new, close, interpersonal relationship on top of that is simply too much.

    Stand by her, support her decision. When she's ready, she'll remember what you did.
  8. winwintoo macrumors 6502

    Nov 26, 2003
    AHEM!! The first *rule* of AA is "we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."

    The *rule* that new members needed to get out of relationships grew out of some misguided advice by overbearing and control-freak *sponsors* and is not part of the AA program.

    In fact, separating a recovering alcoholic from outside, so-called normal people tends to isolate them and leaves them ill-prepared for the real world.

    Having said that, you friend is dealing with a whole boatload of emotional issues right now as she comes to grips with her drinking problem and if you can provide some support without pressuring her or adding to her emotional misery, then stick with her. If your own issues are such that they will get in the way, then be a good guy, wish her well and move on.

    It is entirely possible that her *problem* is more (or less - depending how you look at it) than alcoholism. Has she had a good work-up with an endocrinologist. There are metobolic disorders that cause cravings and emotional problems - AA would do little or nothing to help with them.

    Ask me how I know all this?? I wasn't born yesterday. Been there, done that.

  9. chanoc macrumors 6502


    May 20, 2003
    Anchorage, Alaska USA
    Do not date chicks in AA/NA, they are nothing but trouble. Although you were already in a relationship, so tell the theist sponsor to take a freaking hike, or they find themselves dead in a ditch somewhere. Well, that's is what I told my girlfriend's sponser when the b!tch tried to break us up. AA is nothing but a cult started by fundamentalist xians. I love going to the meeting and telling the memes they are brainwashed sheep, and a door post or god will not get them sober. Only medical science will help a person overcome addiction.

    What are some red flags to look for in a women? I'm talking if you are thinking of a serious relationship. Here are a few I have heard Tom Leykis discuss off and on:

    - Low self-esteem * She goes to AA!
    - Too young, under 25 or hasen't had enough sex partners
    - Believes in astrology
    - Drug or alcohol addiction * See above.
    - Good in bed but a psycho bitch, creates scenes in public
    - Met online, you get that strong bond through online chat but doesn’t work in reality
    - If she is older than you
    - Single mom
    - Has adapted to American or Canadian culture, she is more likely to become a fat mouthy broad with short hair after marriage
    - On mood stabilizing medication
  10. vniow macrumors G4

    Jul 18, 2002
    I accidentally my whole location.
  11. bubbamac macrumors 6502

    Dec 24, 2003
    Wow! Pretty picky.

    Let us know how it turns out in, say, 15 or 20 years.
  12. dPratt thread starter macrumors member

    Aug 16, 2004
    Knoxville, TN
    My sentiments exactly. Chanoc, advice for a serious relationship? Please. Believe it or not I'm interested in more than a physical relationship. Maybe your advice works for immature, self-absorbed people looking for a one-night stand, but that's far from where I am right now.

    Thanks to those who gave some insight into the situation. Right now it's most important for me to be understanding and patient. I understand her focus now can't be me or our relationship and I can accept that. My feeling sad/upset is so petty when compared to the emotions she's experiencing. I feel lucky to have met someone as special as she is, so if what she needs is support without the pressure of an intimate relationship, then that's what she'll get. Beyond that? Who knows... we'll see what the future brings.
  13. cyanide macrumors regular


    Jan 6, 2005
    i grew up going to AA as my mom was a frequent member. one thing i can say, as having been to MANY AA meetings myself with my mom, and knowing a lot of the people involved, is that rather than solve the problem of addiction, they just become addicted to something else. its kind of like "as long as im not drinking too much, i am okay, but i can do whatever else i want" . maybe i am just old fashioned, but i dont think thats the answer. i would keep in contact with your friend, while respecting her wishes. but beware, because often the "program" changes people in negative ways, which unfortunately is the case with my mother.
  14. bubbamac macrumors 6502

    Dec 24, 2003
    You're doing it right. Good job.
  15. jim. macrumors 6502

    Dec 22, 2004
    C-ville, VA
    Ok, I am a child of an alcoholic. Let me tell you, it has lots of repercussions.

    I have two brothers. My mother was travelling through most of my teenage life, and my father was drunk. I raised them through elementary/middle school. It has a lot of repercussions for kids of the family.

    I may be jumping way ahead into the future or even beyond what you think a "non-physical" relationship comprises. My point is that you need to let her get through this at all costs. It helps her in the future and it helps the people that are in her life also. Whether or not you are in this circle remains to be seen...

    Respect any decision she makes and let her lead her own life. That is the best thing to do with any alcoholic. Believe me....

  16. pseudobrit macrumors 68040


    Jul 23, 2002
    Jobs' Spare Liver Jar

Share This Page