I'm feeling melancholy and pensive. Things right now aren't exactly how I want them to be. Sometimes when I feel like this, I think about my first love. I wonder what she's up to, and I get the urge to see what she looks like and find out what's happened in her life. But I don't want to actually talk to her. I'd be a masochist if I put her back in my life. She was a crazy girl who caused me endless amounts of pain. It was high school and we both gave up our virginity to each other. Our relationship was very weird. We were always on again off again over the course of around 10 years, but we always were very close friends even when we were in a phase where we were "just friends" and not being sexual. But she caused me too much pain and agita, so I had to put an end to our friendship. She was literally making me crazy, and was holding me back from moving forward to better things in my life. So I ended it with her and we haven't spoken for around 5 years. Since then, lots of great things have happened in my life. I've grown as a person, learned how to have healthy relationships, progressed enormously in my career path by going back to college and doing really well, and other great stuff like that. My current girlfriend is awesome in many ways and we've been together for like a year and a half. But... I have a bunch of stuff in my life that's causing me anxiety. Namely, I'm getting close to graduating, and school isn't just a fun game anymore, now it's starting to feel very serious and important. And when things feel serious and very important to me it creates lots of anxiety. That anxiety in turn stirs up my huge psychological demons that've ruined everything I've tried to achieve in everything I've tried to accomplish in the past. It's a self sabotage thing. If things are seeming important, it causes me to feel anxious, which makes me sabotage what I'm doing so that the important thing will fail, and then I won't have the anxiety any more. Get it? I'm crazy, I know. So, when I feel anxious and like I'm looking for a way out of the situation, my mind often tries to escape into moments in the past. The moments in my life that my mind starts fantasizing about aren't necessarily good moments, they're moments that were very complex. Because the more complex that period was, the more my mind can be fully distracted from the anxiety I'm currently facing. And fantasizing about a complex past moment also acts to cause me to fail out of the current situation that's causing the anxiety in the first place, which then alleviates the anxiety altogether. It doesn't make me happy, but my mind just can't seem to deal with anxiety, and seems to prefer unhappiness over anxiety. So... I'm fantasizing about my first love, the crazy girl who caused me tons of heartache and confusion. I have the urge to find out what she's been up to. But I don't want to really, it's just a trick my mind is playing on me. When I see pictures of her that were taken a couple of years after we broke up, but still several years before today, she already looks like a different person. When I look at these pictures of her, I don't even see the same person that's in my memory, she looks very unfamiliar, almost like a complete stranger. It's not the girl of today I have an urge to reconnect with, I want to reach out for the girl of many years ago who doesn't exist any more.