Fiancé leaving me...

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by eternlgladiator, Aug 8, 2012.

  1. eternlgladiator macrumors 68000

    eternlgladiator

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2010
    Location:
    Twin Cities
    #1
    So in the past week I've had a crap load of stuff going on. Last sunday I travelled from Wisconsin to LA for a job interview with 3M on Monday and returned that day. When I came home I found out my fiancé has basically given up on our relationship and wants some space to figure her own life out, without me. I spent most the week helping her get to graduation on thursday, her birthday on friday and through the weekend in one piece. I was under the impression she just needed a little space last week wanted to do whatever for a few days. Then I noticed she stopped wearing her engagement ring. It really came to a head for me when she started lying about it and saying she forgot the ring instead of telling me she was done. Now last night I finally called her on it and she wouldn't tell me we can keep trying so I know she's completely given up. Here's where it gets interesting. She just graduated, so no job. She has no car, and no drivers license (doctor took it away because of vision). She has little to no money that I'm aware of and I own literally everything of ours. I've been paying the rent along for at least 18 months, bought almost all the furniture and what not in the house, and have been paying for food any other crap for a majority of the last year. I don't really want to be the one to give up but I feel like she needs a reality check and its time to just send her on her way to figure this out. Part of me really cares where she goes and how she does and the other part says ***** it. She's being selfish so now I get to be, so kick her out and move on with your life. This is a terrible situation but I need to figure out the right course of action. Can anybody weigh in here?
     
  2. GoCubsGo macrumors Nehalem

    GoCubsGo

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2005
    #2
    You cannot make her stay if she doesn't want to. Despite popular belief, if she is unhappy no amount of security is going to keep her with you forever. It is terrible and that is a terrible turn to your engagement but the best you can do is let her go but get that ring back first. I'm sorry for your relationship woes.
     
  3. eternlgladiator thread starter macrumors 68000

    eternlgladiator

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2010
    Location:
    Twin Cities
    #3
    Oh I'm keeping the ring, all over that. I just know if I give her the boot right now she's going to come running back at some point when she realizes she needs some form of help. I don't know if I'll have the will to turn her away when she does. I don't know if I care. There are so many strange feelings. I don't like that one of them is relief and it kind of scares me that it's in the back of my mind somewhere.
     
  4. Sythas macrumors 6502a

    Sythas

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2009
    Location:
    Québec, Canada
    #4
    I think, if it's possible for you, but you said you went to LA for a job interview. I would leave. I would move away to someplace I've always wanted to live and try my chances to make it work. I did the same thing when I was younger. But beware, avoid talking to her or her familly, because 6 to 9 month later she'll visit you and find a way to stay... that what happened to me 10 years ago.. Then I moved again and deleted every way she had to contact me, cellphone, email, myspace, everything. Now I have a boy with a wonderful wife and I've never talk to that girl again.
     
  5. ILikeTurtles macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2010
    #5
    I say - let this beeyach get the cold slap of reality across her face. If what you say is true - that you have basically supported her - she will soon find out, the grass isn't always greener. Then when she comes crawling back, saying how sorry she was, you can give her the boot.

    You don't need to take that treatment from any woman - there are plenty of fish in the sea.

    Good luck to you - and hopefully you can cut the dead weight. I know it's not easy to do.
     
  6. myrtlebee macrumors 68020

    myrtlebee

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2011
    Location:
    Baltimore-Washington Metro Area
    #6
    I know we argued with each other a while back but I went through almost the exact same situation. The best advice I ever got was "If it doesn't make sense, it isn't true" and I am glad you had sense enough to figure that out regarding the ring and her ********ting with the "break". Breaks are someone's way to ease into a breakup 99% of the time. If she's playing these games then guess what, she can't have it both ways. Time to cut the cord, no matter how painful it is for you. This is not healthy.

    Why would you want to be engaged, ready to support a woman for the rest of her life who is not head over heals for you? You should be with someone who is beside herself with glee ready to go to the altar with you. When she comes back, your answer should be "NO". I said yes twice only for it to go down the tubes within a couple of days. It is my opinion that people really do no change. There will always be some unhealthy tension from here on out, and that is not the foundation for a healthy realationship that is supposed to last decades to come.

    If one of your emotions is relief, so was mine, and you need to pull the plug. You'll go through a withdrawl phase and periodic bouts of depression over it most likley for a year or two even, but trust me, you will have relief!
     
  7. eternlgladiator thread starter macrumors 68000

    eternlgladiator

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2010
    Location:
    Twin Cities
    #7
    Unfortunately I wasn't offered the Job in LA but that's really ok. LA wasn't my town. I'm going to apply for more jobs elsewhere. I've been very close to breaking through in a big way so its only a matter of time.

    You're right, I know that I've made some mistakes and that's part of the reason she's leaving but I also know that I've been better for her than anybody else. I can only hope that I'm able to figure all my **** out before she comes crawling back to me. If it ever happens. I don't want to be weak if it happens and take her back under false pretenses.

    I really hope it doesn't take that long. I can't handle that.
     
  8. aarond12 macrumors 65816

    aarond12

    Joined:
    May 20, 2002
    Location:
    Dallas, TX USA
    #8
    The fact that you feel relief should be a sign to you that a bullet was dodged. Like Austin Powers at the beginning of his second movie, you're a free man! (I don't recommend dancing around a hotel lobby naked, however.)

    My fiancée of 2 years cheated on me and immediately broke it off. I felt a great sadness, then a great relief when it was over. Anger soon followed, then another wave of relief. Now, I just feel disdain for her.

    If you can, I agree with the suggestion of going somewhere and starting off fresh. It's a great feeling! New surroundings, new friends, not going places and seeing people you want to avoid, etc. It truly is a wonderful thing. :D
     
  9. h1r0ll3r macrumors 68040

    h1r0ll3r

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2009
    Location:
    Maryland
    #9
    I would say just move on. As much as the relationship has been an integral part in both your lives, if she's not happy, she's not happy and there's no changing that. If this is her "need for space" then let it be. I'm sure you both have a lot in this relationship however, to put it bluntly, there are other fish in the sea. Try and leave on a somewhat friendly basis (if at all possible) and just move on to your new job. I mean, you two were engaged to be married and she stopped wearing the ring so clearly the relationship is kaput. Hopefully she's planned ahead and has some direction after the relationship ends but, at this point, it's out of your hands. Were you two just a "normal" dating couple then you could easily just move on or possibly work things out. Since you were engaged, there is no salvaging the relationship IMO. As one poster mentioned, once the relationship is over, just avoid her and her family. There may be an instance where she comes back to you later on seeking to "work things out" however, at that point, the relationship is toast. Even if you two were to reconnect later on, there'd be some resentment/trust issues because of this incident which will probably come to a head later on. Then you'll be back at square one.

    As much as it sucks/stings, just move on and take a moment for yourself. Once you've gotten settled in then get back into the dating game.

    Good luck.
     
  10. maflynn Moderator

    maflynn

    Staff Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2009
    Location:
    Boston
    #10
    Bottom line is, if she wants out, then its over. I'm not trying to sound cold or heartless but those seem to be the facts.

    Look at it another way, do you think she should be in a relationship with you because she has no money, no possessions and is not self sufficient?

    As painful as it is, this may be better then having to go through a divorce a little while later if you both didn't break up right now.
     
  11. myrtlebee macrumors 68020

    myrtlebee

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2011
    Location:
    Baltimore-Washington Metro Area
    #11
    Maybe not for you - I had a lot more to be depressed about than just the breakup back then. But, would you rather spend the rest of your life dealing with these internal ... and external.... conflicts with her? Because that is what marriage is supposed to be - the rest of your life. Imagine her "forgetting" her wedding ring once you have two kids. If you see the two of you drastically changing your ways (moreso her), then more power to you I guess, but know the chances of that happening are exceedingly rare.
     
  12. klmaj macrumors member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2012
    #12
    She's prolly cheating on you with an online lover. :eek:
     
  13. Reach9 macrumors 68020

    Reach9

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2010
    Location:
    In America
    #13
    Wow bud, from what you said I get the impression that she's been using you. And she might have just found someone who she thinks is "better".

    Regardless, you're the nice guy here and nobody who loves their significant other would do such a thing.
    You're not the one that's giving up, she is. So give her the boot, because your home is not a hotel for her.

    If she's already acting like this before marriage.. can you imagine how much worse it's gonna get? She's practically telling you that she'll make your life a living hell.

    Doesn't matter if she comes crawling back or anything, you need to practice some self respect and not take **** from her. Women can easily manipulate men, so I know how difficult it might be bud.. but you got to put your foot down.
     
  14. GoreVidal macrumors 6502a

    GoreVidal

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2011
    #14

    This is the most important part. Get out while you can. You may love her, but she needs to figure herself out and contribute to the relationship financially, not just emotionally. She backed out of emotional contribution, so what's worth supporting her for? Life is tough, you seem successful in various ways, go to LA, do what you want, meet someone new who can contribute to your happiness without you carrying all the burden.
     
  15. Huntn, Aug 8, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2012

    Huntn macrumors G5

    Huntn

    Joined:
    May 5, 2008
    Location:
    The Misty Mountains
    #15
    The person who has the least interest in the relationship controls it. Sounds like it is her at this point, but you can make it you.

    When the time comes (now?) you'll have to figure out if she is using you or settling, that is if she hangs around. I'd say let her go figure her life out. Go live with a friend or her parents, unless you like to court heart ache. ;)
     
  16. eternlgladiator thread starter macrumors 68000

    eternlgladiator

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2010
    Location:
    Twin Cities
    #16
    You're completely right. She has all the power since I definitely care more right now. She text me this morning tell me she's worried about me. I don't know how I should react but I don't think being happy today is in the cards. I know she cares about me but I'm not sure how much any more. I can see the surrender in her eyes. I don't want to be the one to accuse her of anything because in reality she hasn't done anything wrong but if she thinks I'm going to sit around and support her while she figures this out, I think she has another thing coming.
     
  17. Huntn, Aug 8, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2012

    Huntn macrumors G5

    Huntn

    Joined:
    May 5, 2008
    Location:
    The Misty Mountains
    #17
    I don't know you, but don't become a pathetic hanger on. Emotions do strange things to us. Despite problems, it makes us imagine how good things could be if only the other person would come around. I'm not saying that is impossible, they could, but the fact that she has taken this quite significant step indicates, you should let her and prepare yourself to move on and possibly find someone who does not have doubts about you. Devils advocate, maybe you do have some issues? I'm not in a position to comment. ;)

    The most important thing is to let her know, if that is what it takes to make her happy, your good with that, but you must move on with your own life too. Based on your description, staying with her would not be an ideal situation. The key is that you must shake yourself and be prepared to make the split. I realize this can be very difficult. When you see her, you imagine what could of been, and it's very emotional.
     
  18. eternlgladiator thread starter macrumors 68000

    eternlgladiator

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2010
    Location:
    Twin Cities
    #18
    I'm not worried about another man. That's not what she's trying to figure out. I would know if that were going on. At least I hope I do.

    LA job wasn't offered. I'm still looking.
     
  19. eternlgladiator thread starter macrumors 68000

    eternlgladiator

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2010
    Location:
    Twin Cities
    #19
    You're not wrong. This isn't all on her. I've made mistakes to that led to this but as I said I'm not the one giving up. She wants to talk again later today but I can't help thinking she's realized the gravity of the situation. She's realizing how much help and care I've given and if she leaves to go this little soul search it's going to be much like climbing a huge mountain. She's going to literally go from having me there to help with everything to nothing. No rides to work, rides to friends houses, computer to use (this is where an iPad fails and there's your mac reference for the thread), no more cell phone bill paid, and what not. She has no family where we live and I doubt moving there is real high on her list of choices. Now I've got to figure out if she wants to try repairing the damage or if she's just looking for a roof and somebody to to pay the bills while she soul searches. Nobody waited around for me to figure out my business.
     
  20. Huntn macrumors G5

    Huntn

    Joined:
    May 5, 2008
    Location:
    The Misty Mountains
    #20
    Love should only be invested where you think you will see a return in the investment. Now that's the challenge, isn't it? :) Good luck to you!
     
  21. leekohler, Aug 8, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2012

    leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #21
    She probably has wanted to leave for a while. but was afraid to because of security reasons. Let her go. You'll both be glad in the long run.

    After reading this, I get why she wants out. Read what you just wrote. If it doesn't sound douchey to you, I don't know what to say. You don't own her and you can't buy her love. Not once have you even said you love her in this thread. Looks to me like this has been over or both of you for a while.
     
  22. NZed macrumors 65816

    NZed

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    Canada, Eh?
  23. Melrose Suspended

    Melrose

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2007
    #23
    This. Of you're already thinking of leaving the area, now is the chance to take yourself up on that offer. You can find apartments cheap on Craigslist, and take a while looking for work if you can afford it. I really believe that if you want it enough you can make it work.

    Best of luck mate. :)
     
  24. eternlgladiator thread starter macrumors 68000

    eternlgladiator

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2010
    Location:
    Twin Cities
    #24
    Thanks for all the well wishes. I'm hearing a pretty resounding theme here. I don't know how many girls responded since we're all relatively anonymous. I do still love her and I'm having a really hard time letting go. She came home today while I was at lunch and used my computer to finish her resume so she can apply at a local salon later this afternoon. She said she still wants to talk later. I guess I'll update later on this since I'm not really sure what she's thinking at this moment. I would love to hear some female opinions though. This woman has been my whole life for the better part of six years. Not a door easily closed.

    I'm also working on my own things though that should help either way. I've got a friend lined up who I think will move in with my should she leave. I've got a good connection at a large company far enough away that a move is possible by the end of the year. If she decides to stay that move would be beneficial for both of us but I'm just trying to take this moment by moment right now.
     
  25. Carl Sagan macrumors 6502a

    Carl Sagan

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Location:
    The Universe
    #25
    Kick her out, it's over and she wants out. Time she learned just what life is like when she has to stand on her own two feet.
     

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