girlfriend cheated over a year ago and just came clean, what should i do?

checkerboard

macrumors newbie
Original poster
Jan 9, 2010
1
0
I just found out my girlfriend cheated on me 3 weeks after we got together. She says they just made out, but guess I'll never really know. The issue I have is that she has been lying about it to cover it up throughout our entire relationship (almost 2 years now). She says she knew it was wrong and she felt that if she told me earlier on in the relationship that I would have just ended it and that's not what she wanted. But instead, now I have to deal with the fact that everything we've built since then has been based on deception. The toughest part I guess is that I do believe she's learned from it and that she has grown quite a bit since then. She was 22 when she cheated on me and has grown up a lot in the mean time. I know she's smart, I've seen her learn from many other mistakes and make real changes. I'm not a very forgiving person so it's going to take a long time for me to get over this. I don't want to make the mistake of staying with someone that I can't trust, but I don't want to make the mistake of walking away from someone that has learned their lesson. Any thoughts are much appreciated ... oh and we live together too, so there's not much breathing room.
 

Gav2k

macrumors G3
Jul 24, 2009
9,218
1,584
Get over it it happened over a year and a half ago. If it mention anything to her she wouldn't be with you!
 

Gelfin

macrumors 68020
Sep 18, 2001
2,166
4
Denver, CO
You, sir, are about to make one of the stupidest mistakes of your life.

This girl made out with some other guy three weeks after you thought you were exclusive.

1. Obviously you "won."

2. The fact she did it has been bothering her for nearly two years, so much so she needs to tell you about a single make-out session to clear her conscience.

3. If she needs to "come clean" about that, it means she hasn't done anything else in the meantime.

This is not a girl who makes a habit of cheating on a guy. That sort doesn't think enough about it to tell you about any of them. None of this "you deserve to know" stuff: you find out when the rest of Facebook does. This girl is showing you a pretty clear sign that you can trust her, and she's putting a fair amount of trust in you by saying something now when she could take the easy way out and just continue keeping it to herself. Calm down and appreciate what you've got.

She isn't the only one with a lesson to learn from this, and I strongly suggest you go out of your way to show her how much you've grown up in the last two years. Just based on one short post, you seem to be very focused on her mistakes. In fact, to be honest, the sentence of yours that starts "I know she's smart" sounds more like something you'd say about a golden retriever than a girlfriend. Hold off thinking about her mistakes and think instead about how you react to them. I get the vague impression here that those reactions are your mistakes.

I'm always harsher on the person asking the question, but truthfully if she has grown as a person in the last two years, and you insist on reacting the way you seem to be leaning towards reacting, then you probably don't deserve her anymore.
 

iJon

macrumors 604
Feb 7, 2002
6,557
36
Are you willing to deal with your conscience for the remainder of your relationship?

Are you prepared to be a nervous wreck anytime she comes home late or you haven't heard from her in a while?

Are you willing to resume this relationship with all the trust you've gained out the window?

I doubt your relationship will ever be the same cause your conscience will destroy you over time, but that's just my opinion.

I'd tell her you need some space to think this through and tell her you'll contact her in a month. She how bad she wants you back after you tell her to disappear a month.

Granted this might seem a little harsh but since you posted this thread on MacRumors it's obvious that this really bothers you.

How much is a calm mind and trust worth to you? Either way you have a lot of thinking to do. I wouldn't blow this scenario off as nothing like others are suggesting.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck.

edit: Just noticed you said you live with her, so I guess you can't really disappear for a month or get any space of your own for that matter.
 

rdowns

macrumors Penryn
Jul 11, 2003
27,345
12,409
Next time have the balls to use your real user name and not create a new account.
 

anti_

macrumors member
Dec 12, 2009
58
0
S. California
Gelfin, solid post but do you have to be so harsh. the guy's asking for help, not to be chastised for having doubts about his partner.

OP, you have a right to question yourself, however you dont have the right to guilt trip her about the past. if you want to keep the relationship, you have to forgive and especially forget her transgression. the relationship was fresh when she messed up and you guys were/are young. but only you truly know yourself, and if you know that you forgive or forget, then the relationship will not last through the winter. the ball's in your court man, if she's a good girl, she'll try so hard to be perfect for you because it takes a big man to get over stuff like this. i'm not even sure i could do it, personally. hope that helps and good luck.
 

IntheNet

macrumors regular
Oct 6, 2009
190
0
I just found out my girlfriend cheated on me 3 weeks after we got together.
You have two real choices; forget about it and hope your relationship recovers or leave her and hope to find someone else. If she thinks so little of you to have a relationship with someone else while dating you, then perhaps she should be left to her own selfishness. On the other hand, if you think she's worth keeping and making an effort for, you'll have to forget about the incident.

Sometimes our weak society promotes selfishness and girlfriends and boyfriends "cheating" on each other is a likely result of the debasement of traditional values where people dated exclusively without selfish intent.

Good luck to you...
 

Keebler

macrumors 68030
Jun 20, 2005
2,945
180
Canada
forgive her and move on.

why?

it was only 3 wks after you got together and after 2 years, I....um...think she wants to stay with you.

maybe she had a bit of self-doubt in those first 3 weeks and maybe that kiss or whatever it was, made her realize you were the one?

maybe that negative action meant a positive reaction :)

and I'd be asking for a special favour or something ;)
 

InternetDude08

macrumors regular
Dec 16, 2009
182
4
I would forgive and forget if I was you. I had a similar situation 14 years ago and we're married ever after now ;-) 3 weeks into a relationship is NOTHING.

Get over it and stick with her, if she didn't want to be with you she would have been gone a long time ago. In 12 years you'll barely remember or even care....
 

Music_Producer

macrumors 68000
Sep 25, 2004
1,631
0
OP, just do what YOU feel is right. I went through the same thing a long time ago (gf cheated on me - told me after a few months) - I just didn't feel the same about her after that.. couldn't trust her at all - and we broke up.

If you feel that you can trust her, then go ahead with the relationship - but if not, it's best to break it off than continue with feelings of mistrust, etc.
 

Ttownbeast

macrumors 65816
May 10, 2009
1,135
0
No big deal kid, exclusivity of a relationship is very limited those first three weeks wandering is to be expected. Being together after a year is a good sign, making out is a laughable reason to worry, so is sex in many cases. That first six months into mine and my fiances relationship we didn't constantly check in with each other to see if we were being faithful.

It's a matter of establishing trust through honesty--that first year or longer is essential for this. I slept with other women early on, she had her guys, but we connected more emotionally than all of that we've been together now for 5 years been friends for 7 let it go slowly.

The slower the better. So if you're into some strange **** it's better not to let him/her know right off that your dog likes peanut butter till somewhere further down the line. She waited to tell you because she wanted to be sure she could trust you not to fly off the handle give it time maybe there's something you're not telling us youre not telling her either.
 

andiwm2003

macrumors 601
Mar 29, 2004
4,326
379
Boston, MA
i assume your relationship was a good one so far.

2 years of a good relationship means a lot more than making out once early on. she is honest about it. if it was me i'd tell her she should not have told me unless i know the guy. i would laugh about it after so much time (always assuming you have a great relationship).

when my brother turned 40 we threw a party and i did a slide show about his life. his wife of 7 years with three kids helped me. and we happily included a pic of him being drunk and making out with the fiance of a friend while he was already engaged. she and her now husband was at the party too. everybody knew about it anyway and everybody knew that both my brother and his wife have a great marriage and are absolutely faithful. so does the women he had made out with 8 years ago.

***** like this can happen and there is no reason to destroy a good relationship over it.

btw: i believe fully in being faithful and i don't condone cheating. but mistakes happen.

my 2 cents.
 

Ttownbeast

macrumors 65816
May 10, 2009
1,135
0
***** like this can happen and there is no reason to destroy a good relationship over it.

btw: i believe fully in being faithful and i don't condone cheating. but mistakes happen.

my 2 cents.
indeed early on there is room for mistakes.... I swear I tripped over a brick my pants fell down and it went in honey! LOL
 

0098386

Suspended
Jan 18, 2005
21,552
2,886
Who are you then? ;)

I'm really not for cheating at all, but it happened 3 weeks into the relationship? That doesn't seem too bad. Keeping it secret for so long is the kicker.
I would stick with her but there is probably a lot of trust to be rebuilt.
 

Ttownbeast

macrumors 65816
May 10, 2009
1,135
0
Who are you then? ;)

I'm really not for cheating at all, but it happened 3 weeks into the relationship? That doesn't seem too bad. Keeping it secret for so long is the kicker.
I would stick with her but there is probably a lot of trust to be rebuilt.
The trust is still being built there is really no such thing as instant gratification what there is is immediate pleasure but it is fleeting
 
I just found out my girlfriend cheated on me 3 weeks after we got together. She says they just made out, but guess I'll never really know.
She’s lying. Hit one more good time then get rid of her. If you’re renting, move everything of your out while she’s not there. Then when she comes home show up with another girl to give her the keys.
 

Melrose

Suspended
Dec 12, 2007
7,807
392
I'm not going to suggest one way or the other, but just weigh in with my thoughts (yeah, if that means anything, I know...)

It's hard for any of us to make a decision since we don't know her or you. It really depends on you and what you know of her.

Step one is if you have solid reason to believe she's telling the truth and that 'making out' (which is very lenient term if ever there was one) was all that really happened, then progress to step two: Are you a very cut-and-dried type of person? I am, and something like this would grate on me, and while I could get over it for the most part every once in a while it would come back and haunt my mind. But that's me. If you are the type of person who really can forgive and forget, then you stand a better chance of making it work. If not, then you have to decide whether you want this to plague your mind, even a little, even if it's every now and then.

And you can't continue in the relationship thinking you've 'got room to manoeuvre' if you make a mistake later one; Don't forgive her and then hold it over her head, at all. If you can truly for all intents and purposes forget it, then you maky be able to work it out. << just sayin' Some people think like that.

Was this make out incident an isolated event or has she had other opportunities since then and turn them down? It's easy for someone to lose their mind in a fit of excitement, but if she's had advances since and fended them off, she's really trying to make things work (it would appear).

Another thing to consider is that necking isn't just a 'whoopsie' type of thing, it's a situation that develops over the course of time (minutes or days or whatever) and would have given her several opportunities to think twice and get herself out of the situation.

m2c.. Good luck.
 

davidjearly

macrumors 68020
Sep 21, 2006
2,177
210
Glasgow, Scotland
Cheating is cheating. I'd end it. She was 22 at the time - not 16. A little old for high school style 'make-out' sessions.

Obviously, I don't know either of you so that makes it difficult to say, but I need to be able to trust people and know that this would prevent me from doing so in the future. Whilst she did eventually own up and admit it, it took her over a year. I wouldn't be so quick to accept that was all that happened either. It could easily be the case that this is an attempt to ease her conscience without fully clearing it.
 

drewsof07

macrumors 68000
Oct 30, 2006
1,998
415
Ohio
1. Get an STD test. Because you are right, you never know.
I'm with this guy here. A simple blood test could save your life in the long run. :)
As far as the relationship goes, I would personally have to doubt everything you *thought* she had told the truth about before.
 

tmofee

macrumors regular
Sep 27, 2009
204
0
Mildura
depends. did she tell you because it was playing with her conscience? or the fact she might get caught? i had some long distance stupid thing going on when i was younger. found out she cheated on me quite a few times through the gossip line. She didn't tell me because she was afraid I would of ended it. I did eventually end it, I was young and naive enough to think I could let something this long distance work when I was so young. if i were living with her, it's a different matter. And she made out with a guy? If she slept with him, it would be different, I think. three weeks after you got together? I don't know, dude. People screw up, make mistakes. Does she still get in contact with this guy now? If not, well seriously think about whether it's worth throwing all of this away.
 

solchitlins

macrumors regular
Nov 12, 2009
104
0
Michigan
If you love her forget about it. Don't let it get to you. All girls are about 3 martinis away from making out with anyone in my experience.

:rolleyes:
 

ROGERWILCO357

macrumors 6502
Jul 24, 2009
265
0
Michigan
i agree

I agree I would break up with her or it will bother you for a long time.
Are you willing to deal with your conscience for the remainder of your relationship?

Are you prepared to be a nervous wreck anytime she comes home late or you haven't heard from her in a while?

Are you willing to resume this relationship with all the trust you've gained out the window?

I doubt your relationship will ever be the same cause your conscience will destroy you over time, but that's just my opinion.

I'd tell her you need some space to think this through and tell her you'll contact her in a month. She how bad she wants you back after you tell her to disappear a month.

Granted this might seem a little harsh but since you posted this thread on MacRumors it's obvious that this really bothers you.

How much is a calm mind and trust worth to you? Either way you have a lot of thinking to do. I wouldn't blow this scenario off as nothing like others are suggesting.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck.

edit: Just noticed you said you live with her, so I guess you can't really disappear for a month or get any space of your own for that matter.
 

Keniff

macrumors 6502a
Dec 21, 2008
525
1
United Kingdom
I just found out my girlfriend cheated on me 3 weeks after we got together. She says they just made out, but guess I'll never really know. The issue I have is that she has been lying about it to cover it up throughout our entire relationship (almost 2 years now). She says she knew it was wrong and she felt that if she told me earlier on in the relationship that I would have just ended it and that's not what she wanted. But instead, now I have to deal with the fact that everything we've built since then has been based on deception. The toughest part I guess is that I do believe she's learned from it and that she has grown quite a bit since then. She was 22 when she cheated on me and has grown up a lot in the mean time. I know she's smart, I've seen her learn from many other mistakes and make real changes. I'm not a very forgiving person so it's going to take a long time for me to get over this. I don't want to make the mistake of staying with someone that I can't trust, but I don't want to make the mistake of walking away from someone that has learned their lesson. Any thoughts are much appreciated ... oh and we live together too, so there's not much breathing room.

Build a bridge and get over it...