I have too much free time and no social life.

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by likemyorbs, Nov 12, 2011.

  1. likemyorbs macrumors 68000

    likemyorbs

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2008
    Location:
    NJ
    #1
    I have a problem that is the exact opposite of what glocke12 has. I have PLENTY of free time, but barely any social life. My mom just bitched me out about it, because she's a social butterfly who goes out any chance she can. I feel like i'm a bit anti-social. I work at a gym and go to community college. But here's the crazy thing, when i'm actually at work or at school i'm very social, i talk to everyone and i would say i'm pretty well liked by most people who meet me. When it comes to going out with these people outside of school or work, i just don't put forth the effort. So basically i have no one to go out to dinner or a movie with ever. My best friend lives in long island and i live in NJ, about 1.5 hours away and he lives with his gf, so i see him twice a month at most. Another problem this situation is creating for me is that i can't get a girlfriend this way. I'm a friendly and good looking (so i'm told) kid, but i don't let myself out of my bedroom. Here i am, 5:35 on a saturday, my mom just went out, and i'm home alone laying in bed with my dog typing this. Story of my life. What's wrong with me? Do you guys have any suggestions for me?
     
  2. wirawee macrumors member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2011
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    #2
    One thing I'm not entirely clear on: Are you lonely? Or do you feel like you should be more social because your mom (and others) are busy socializing?
     
  3. Hamiltonian macrumors member

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2008
    #3
    Get involved in your community. Volunteering has been a great way for me to meet new people, practice new skills, generally give meaning to my life. It can be hard to know where to start, but it's worth the time and effort to research the organizations in your community and think about what type of volunteering would be most interesting for you.
     
  4. likemyorbs thread starter macrumors 68000

    likemyorbs

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2008
    Location:
    NJ
    #4
    I do get lonely a lot of times, it sucks. And it sucks my mom has a more active social life than me.

    ----------

    That's some sound advice. I will have to look into that. And yeah, it is hard to know where to start.
     
  5. glocke12 macrumors 6502a

    glocke12

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2008
    #5
    Pick a new hobby and try to excel at it, read books, educate yourself on school subjects you might be not that good at, get an exercise routine going, etc..

    If those don't sound good, volunteer your time somewhere and you are bound to meet new friends and increase your social circle.
     
  6. likemyorbs thread starter macrumors 68000

    likemyorbs

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2008
    Location:
    NJ
    #6
    Oh i do all that stuff, but it's only because i have no one to go out with. Things like that wouldn't really socialize me.
     
  7. wirawee macrumors member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2011
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    #7
    That is a drag. Sorry to hear that.

    You mentioned in your original post that you don't make an effort to hang out with your work colleagues. That sounds like a potentially easy place to start.

    If you've never socialized with your work friends outside of work, try to have lunch with a small group to start getting to know them better.

    Find activities you like -- movies, music, food, etc. -- and see if you have those things in common with anyone at work. Those common interests can naturally lead to outside-of-work activities.

    A few other ideas: classes, spiritual organizations (if you are into that), exercise groups.

    Best wishes!
     
  8. likemyorbs thread starter macrumors 68000

    likemyorbs

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2008
    Location:
    NJ
    #8
    These are all really great ideas. But i feel like i need to get down to the bottom of why i hold myself back. As for the exercise group, i work at a gym and workout with a trainer, my whole life is a workout group! :D
     
  9. iJohnHenry, Nov 12, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 17, 2011

    iJohnHenry macrumors P6

    iJohnHenry

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2008
    Location:
    On tenterhooks
    #9
    Sounds safe.

    Jump into the fire. It only hurts for a short while. ;)
     
  10. wirawee macrumors member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2011
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    #10
    LOL! That's pretty funny.

    I was curious about that point you raised. Is it that you are shy? It doesn't seem like that's it, but I thought I would ask.

    If it's not shyness, what do you think it is? Any ideas?
     
  11. stroked Suspended

    stroked

    Joined:
    May 3, 2010
  12. Firestar macrumors 68020

    Firestar

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2010
    Location:
    221B Baker Street.
    #12
    You said you don't put forth the effort to arrange anything? Start putting forth the effort. Arrange stuff with your friends.
     
  13. likemyorbs, Nov 12, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 17, 2011

    likemyorbs thread starter macrumors 68000

    likemyorbs

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2008
    Location:
    NJ
    #13
    Definitely not shyness. I'm holding myself back for some reason, sometimes it feels like pure laziness. I have to figure out why i'm doing this to myself because it's destroying my life. I feel like i'm wasting away my youth.
    I've dealt with depression in the past, however these days im in a generally upbeat mood most of the time.
    That's the problem, i don't really have any!
    This entire post went right over my head. No idea what you speak of.
     
  14. iJohnHenry macrumors P6

    iJohnHenry

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2008
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    On tenterhooks
    #14
    It means stop whinging about what might-have-been, get your ass out there and mingle.

    I know whereof I speak.
     
  15. firestarter macrumors 603

    firestarter

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2002
    Location:
    Green and pleasant land
    #15
    Do internet dating. Find someone with a similar character.

    It's OK to not like lots of low-grade social interaction. I don't see the point in pushing yourself to be something you're not. If you're naturally pretty introverted it'll just end up annoying and stressing you if you spend too much time forcing yourself into social situations.

    Just be honest with yourself and feel good about what you do like doing.
     
  16. Firestar macrumors 68020

    Firestar

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2010
    Location:
    221B Baker Street.
    #16
    You said you're well liked. Don't you consider those people your friends?
     
  17. likemyorbs thread starter macrumors 68000

    likemyorbs

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2008
    Location:
    NJ
    #17
    I suppose. But again, i've never known them outside the workplace.
     
  18. wirawee macrumors member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2011
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    #18
    Have you ever had an experience with a friend or group of friends that was rewarding? Or have you always been less social?

    I'm just curious to know more.

    When you think about what would make you less lonely, is it a general social group? A close friend or two? A girlfriend? Something else?
     
  19. Firestar macrumors 68020

    Firestar

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2010
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    #19
    Then start to know them outside of the workplace. It has to start sometime.
     
  20. likemyorbs thread starter macrumors 68000

    likemyorbs

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2008
    Location:
    NJ
    #20
    I've been less social for as long as i can remember, but i have had many rewarding experiences with friends. Also, i have my best friend who is like a brother to me. As i mentioned in the op, he now lives 1.5 hours from me and i don't see him much anymore.

    A close friend and a girlfriend is all i really want for myself. I don't need a large social circle, i'm all about quality over quantity. My best friend didn't always live 1.5 hours away, he used to live right across the street and he was really the only friend i needed, i never put much effort into finding more friends. My mistake.

    That's correct, but there is some sort of mental block that i have to unlock. In order to unlock is i have to figure out why it's there.
     
  21. Thetonyk123, Nov 12, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2011
  22. likemyorbs thread starter macrumors 68000

    likemyorbs

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2008
    Location:
    NJ
    #22
    Yeah when i do that it puts me in a worse mood because it reminds me that everyone else has a life.
     
  23. KeriJane macrumors 6502a

    KeriJane

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2009
    Location:
    ЧИКАГО!
    #23
    Don't compare yourself to your mother!

    You are different people.

    What's normal for her might be harmful for you. Try to figure out what your emotional needs are.

    It might help to figure out your personality type. There's all kinds of personality tests, but a fairly good one is the Jung Typology test.

    Figuring out your personality type can give you an insight to your emotional needs. For instance, my type, ENFP, thrives on social interaction, as you say your mother does.

    You probably have a vastly different personality with different needs. Where she (and I) needs to get out and interact because we'll absolutely go insane all by ourselves, you might need solitude or more personal interaction.

    Don't assume something is wrong with you unless you have a good reason to believe so. Comparing your needs to other people's needs is not a very good reason.

    Don't give up hope, practically anything can be overcome. If you desire to be more social you certainly can. For some, it's easy. Others have to work at it. But most especially, don't force yourself to become someone that you're not. If your sole reason for feeling uncomfortable is that other people (such as your mother) are different from you, that's probably not an actual problem.

    If you really want to get out more, there's no shortage of us annoying extraverts that will try to "save" you.... We'll take you out to parties that you'll feel miserable at and we will absolutely talk you to death! Just ask my brother.... :eek: I'm amazed he still talks to me after the stuff I put him through trying to drag him out of his shell..... In the end, he found his own way out with his music.

    Good Luck,
    Have Fun!
    Keri
     
  24. stroked Suspended

    stroked

    Joined:
    May 3, 2010
    #24
    I hate to sound repetitive, but you really act like your depressed. You miss the friendship that used to be. Your best friend has moved on, and you haven't, and now your seeking help on a forum. I'm no Dr, but I do know that people can put up a cheerful front, and still be depressed, and not realize it.

    Try to get out and accomplish something important everyday.
     
  25. wirawee macrumors member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2011
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    #25
    So much here... First off, how amazing is it that you have a best friend like that? Not everyone does. But then how rotten that you guys are so far apart! In all seriousness, have you thought of moving closer? That might really make a difference for you.

    It's probably just a fact that you won't be able to make another friend that can take the place of your best friend in your social life, at least not right away. And I can imagine that engaging in social interactions that might seem trivial by comparison isn't all that motivating.

    Regarding your mental block, it's hard to say without knowing you, but could it be anger, resentment and abandonment that you haven't found a way to express? In our culture, we don't really sanction this kind of grief around the loss of a friend (or a major change in circumstances, as is the case with you). But if it's real, it's real. Just a thought...
     

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