Make your very own straight-to-DVD Steven Seagal movie

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by CortexRock, Sep 24, 2008.

  1. CortexRock macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2006
    Location:
    Canterbury, England
    #1
    Make your very own Steven Seagal straight-to-DVD-movie by combining random selections from the sections below (or rolling a six-sided die):

    Steven Seagal plays a:

    1. cop/detective
    2. streetwise hero
    3. bounty hunter/mercenary
    4. fisherman/cook
    5. government agent
    6. ex-special forces soldier

    who assisted by:

    1. a beautiful but deadly female assassin
    2. a beautiful but sassy female nurse
    3. a beautiful but dangerous female spy
    4. a beautiful but cocky female journalist
    5. a beautiful but bisexual set of female twins
    6. a token black guy who will be killed pointlessly 20 minutes in to add gravitas to the movie

    must:

    1. rescue
    2. kill
    3. find
    4. stop
    5. destroy
    6. avenge

    his:

    1. brother
    2. best friend or old police/army buddy
    3. best friend's child
    4. wife
    5. boss
    6. neighbour

    who has been:

    1. raped
    2. murdered
    3. blackmailed
    4. addicted to drugs
    5. sold into slavery
    6. kidnapped

    by:

    1. a drug-dealer
    2. a seemingly respectable but corrupt businessman
    3. an ex-military mastermind
    4. a crooked cop
    5. a gangster
    6. a religious figure

    who aims to:

    1. steal millions of dollars
    2. kill lots of people
    3. destroy the environment
    4. sell military secrets
    5. bring down the government
    6. spread a deadly virus

    It really is that easy! :D
     
  2. Iscariot macrumors 68030

    Iscariot

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2007
    Location:
    Toronteazy
    #2
    Steven Seagal plays a government agent, who, assisted by a beautiful but cocky female journalist must kill his brother who has been sold into slavery by a religious figure who aims to destroy the environment.
     
  3. it5five macrumors 65816

    it5five

    Joined:
    May 31, 2006
    Location:
    New York
    #3
    Steven Seagal plays a streetwise hero who assisted by a beautiful but cocky female journalist must avenge his brother who has been blackmailed by a a seemingly respectable but corrupt businessman who aims to bring down the government.
     
  4. GradientMac macrumors regular

    GradientMac

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2007
    Location:
    Canada
    #4
    Steven Seagal plays a government agent who assisted by a beautiful but deadly female assassin must kill his wife who has been raped by a drug-dealer who aims to destroy the environment.

    Mine doesn't make sense- I did it at random. He must kill his wife because she was raped? :pPPPPPPP
     
  5. Melrose macrumors 604

    Melrose

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2007
    Location:
    Elsewhere
    #5
    I think we could do the same thing with country songs...

    Steven Seagal plays a fisherman/cook who, assisted by a beautiful but bisexual set of female twins, must avenge his neighbour who has been sold into slavery by a religious figure who aims to destroy the environment.

    I am now working on the screenplay and will make a million dollars.

    Wait, do Seagal movies actually make money? :D
     
  6. Trip.Tucker Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2008
    #6
    I'm ecstatic you used Steven Seagal for this game! :D
     
  7. Les Kern macrumors 68040

    Les Kern

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2002
    Location:
    Alabama
    #7
    Sadly, yes.

    "Steven Seagal, playing a down and out banjo player, assisted by a ex-country superstar, must search for his son who was kidnapped by a disgruntled Grand Ol Opry stagehand.
     
  8. Jonnyfive macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2007
    Location:
    British Columbia
    #8
    lol steven segal is such a cheesy douche bag!
    Hilarious!
     
  9. Melrose macrumors 604

    Melrose

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2007
    Location:
    Elsewhere
    #9
    I was thinking something more along the lines of..

    Steven Seagal, playing a talented yet underappreciated guitar virtuoso, must drive his rusted-out Chevy pickup truck down a country road in Tennessee with a six-pack of Bud in search of his long-lost father while the angels sing a whiskey lullaby.

    But I like yours better...
     
  10. Trip.Tucker Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2008
    #10
    Hello...another Kentuckian! :D
     
  11. donga macrumors 6502a

    donga

    Joined:
    May 16, 2005
    Location:
    AZ
    #11
    Steven Seagal plays Steven Seagal who is assisted by Steven Seagal who must kill his doppleganger Steven Seagal who has been duplicated with Seagal's DNA by 90s Hollywood action directors who aim to infiltrate the world with B-level action movies.


    side note: movies here get seen all over the world. i remember seeing the seagal/dmx movie in madagascar in french. so sad that people think even the bad movies are representative of america
     
  12. Trip.Tucker Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2008
    #12
    Steven Seagal may be B grade, but he's genuine B grade! I have all his movies.
     
  13. bigandy macrumors G3

    bigandy

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2004
    Location:
    Murka
    #13
    Steven Seagal plays an ex-special forces soldier, who assisted by a beautiful but bisexual set of female twins must find his wife who has been sold into slavery by a religious figure who aims to destroy the environment.

    Conveyed with all his emotional range, obviously:

    [​IMG]
     
  14. Melrose macrumors 604

    Melrose

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2007
    Location:
    Elsewhere
    #14
    Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm a damn Yank...
     
  15. Sun Baked macrumors G5

    Sun Baked

    Joined:
    May 19, 2002
    #15
    I can see him making a making a movie about a down and out martial arts actor who tries to restart his career doing gay prison films (or porn), who eventually dies at the end of the film after getting beat up by a 97 year old lady using a walker.
     

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