Married Members: When/How did you know s/he was 'the one?'

Discussion in 'Community' started by devilot, Sep 20, 2005.

  1. devilot Moderator emeritus


    May 1, 2005
    <This also includes members who may not have the legal privilege (yet!) of marriage but have made life commitments to his/her partners.>

    I believe that I'm too young still to marry... but it seems like lately a lot of things have come up to make me think about marriage. I love my boyfriend of almost 3 and a half years but at this age couldn't even begin to imagine the full extent of life committment.

    I truly believe in marriage as a pact, a committment for life... as such, I'm curious as to how/when (well, even 'if') you knew that s/he was the 'one' for you?
  2. zelmo macrumors 603


    Jul 3, 2004
    Mac since 7.5
    My wife is also the sister of one of my HS buddies. We first met at a bar for his birthday, and hit it off immediately. I was available, but she was dating someone. Then I was dating someone. Back and forth, we played this weird tag for a couple of years before she finally ended up getting married.
    Seven or eight years passed by, then she called me up out of the blue, recently separated and just calling around touching base with old friends. Picked up exactly where we left off. We moved in together one month later, and were married the following year, 1991. Still cookin'.

    Suffice to say, we knew right away but circumstances conspired to keep us apart for a while.
  3. devilot thread starter Moderator emeritus


    May 1, 2005
    I'm glad it worked out so well for you... but it's that kind of seemingly 'fairytale' story that scares me. I don't really feel like my relationship is like that and as we get closer to the 'marrying age' I'm getting more and more terrified (especially because he has the more stereotypically 'female' role of always bringing up marriage while I cringe and hide in a corner)-- how do I really know that we are compatible for life?

    I'm not like other people who seem to 'just know.' :(
  4. emw macrumors G4


    Aug 2, 2004
    I don't know that I can point to a specific event that triggered the "she's the one" feelings. I know when we met (at a bar, no less) that I could tell she was someone special. We ended up going to Denny's :)eek:) after the bars with some friends and really just had a good time talking.

    We met up a week later (totally sober) and things were still great, which I took as a good sign. Neither one of us was seriously attached, so it worked out well. We moved in together about 3 months later and were engaged after 10 months.

    We are celebrating our 10th anniversary in March.

    I guess in the end it came down to a few things:

    1. We were both relatively mature individuals (I was 26, she was 30, when we got married). Not that you can tell that from my posts ;)

    2. We had common values and goals in life.

    3. We truly enjoyed (and still do) each others' company.

    4. There was, and is, good chemistry between us.
  5. zelmo macrumors 603


    Jul 3, 2004
    Mac since 7.5
    When you have really great news, or are just really excited about something mindless, is he the person you always want to tell first? Likewise, is he the person you immediately think of when you need to commiserate or find a way past a bad day?
  6. emw macrumors G4


    Aug 2, 2004
    I'll go out on a limb and say if you "don't know" or can't see yourself married (to him or anyone else), then now is not the time.

    Marriages aren't fairy-tales, even when you get along exceptionally well. They're work. Hard work. Especially when there are externally driven causes of stress (loss of job, disaster, etc.). Or kids.

    Don't go into marriage because you are "of the age." There is no "age" for marriage - either a right one or a wrong one (well, assuming you're no longer a minor ;)).

    While you won't like everything about your partner, you should be happy with who they are and how they make you feel. If you aren't, then they probably aren't "the one."
  7. devilot thread starter Moderator emeritus


    May 1, 2005
    Just reading that made me both smile and got my eyes watering (damn hormones all outta whack!). :eek: So yes and yes... he is my best friend, he is so dear to me.

    Truth be told, I feel like he's too good for me (well, too good to me as well) and as I'm his first gf I live perpetually in fear that one day he will 'wake up' and realize that there are more (and perhaps better suited to him) women out there and leave me in the dust. And of course, a part of me wonders if maybe there is someone that would be better suited to me.

    I could imagine growing old w/ my bf and eeks eeks maybe having kids (yes, if marriage terrifies me, the thought of having children is enough to make me want to hibernate-- and yet I definitely feel the biological clock ticking because anytime I see babies I can't help but to stop and stare; completely mesemerized :eek: )...

    Were any of you nervous on your wedding day? Or were you all self-assured, complacent bastards (<-- I mean that in the nicest possible way ;) )?

    Yes I know that now is not the time... but now is the time to start planning... just in case. :p
    Indeed; he has proven himself to be of top-notch quality. I went through a really really really rough patch (I am dead serious) pretty soon after we had gotten together (within the first year) and he was... breathlessly amazing. More supportive than my own blood relatives who are still very loving-- I mean, my mother pulled me aside w/ tears in her eyes telling me how blessed I am to have such a wonderful man care for me (she has even gone as far as to chastise my older sister who is 26 and has not had a bf to date to go out and find a man like mine).
    That would be a 'check,' 'check,' and a definite 'check.' :D
  8. zelmo macrumors 603


    Jul 3, 2004
    Mac since 7.5
    I wasn't the least bit nervous on my wedding day, but that's probably because there just wasn't time to think about things. Too many details to handle. :)

    If you aren't terrified at the thought of spending the rest of your life with someone, then you aren't taking it seriously enough. I don't think there is such a thing as a fairy tale romance, at least not in the RW. Marriage is a lot of work, but there is nothing in the world as fine as going through life with a great friend and lover by your side.
    I think you understand the stakes better than you give yourself credit for.
  9. iGary Guest


    May 26, 2004
    Randy's House
    We have our ups and downs as every couple does, but after six years, I guess it is his abosolute and automatic want and need to do things for others before he includes himself.

    His selflessness is what makes us tick.

    He knows I am a grouchy prick and still loves me. That says something. :eek:

    6 years in February.
  10. devilot thread starter Moderator emeritus


    May 1, 2005
    Haha, the story of my life. :D Congrats to all of you for maintaining your relationships for so well and for so long!
  11. nbs2 macrumors 68030


    Mar 31, 2004
    A geographical oddity
    I have to agree about not having time to be nervous. I mean, my wife and mom cut me out of most of the planning, but when the day hit - I found myself doing everything possible to ensure it went off right. I think about it now, and realize why you havve wedding videos - so you know what happened.

    As for being terrified about spending the rest of your life with someone, I think I do, but don't, agree. Such a long time is daunting, but then I think how I could have had to spend it with someone else. I don't think I could. I'm not terrified of the time, just the responsibility.

    As for PMs last point, I agree - I think you understand better than you think. Just one last thought that someone told me right after I met my wife, which repeats what has been said here - the passion in your marriage will fade somewhat over time, don't let it be the undoing your commitment; the friendship that you build your marriage on is what will carry you through eternity.
  12. petej macrumors regular

    Jun 9, 2004
    If it's going to work, it will. If it's doomed to failure then such is life. My advice, try not to think of a Wedding as a big deal. My wife and I had been together for 7 years before I finally asked the question. I was sure from very early on that we were destined for a long run. My wife was not so sure. She had nagging doubts much like you that it would all end up in tears. After 7 years though we had stopped talking like that, we living together just as any married couple would. Of course when you get to that length of time then you wonder if there is any point in marrying. Well we did. We had a fantastic day and one that we will remeber forever. Nothing in our relationship has changed though as a result of marriage nor did I think it would.
    The best advice I can give you at the moment is to talk to him about your concerns if you can talk openly about problems at this stage, it'll make life a lot easier later.

    Oh and children really do screw things up in your life - for the better
  13. macartistkel macrumors 6502a


    Aug 7, 2005
    Portland, Oregon
    Wow, this is a great topic today. I am sitting here, as usual, in constant pain and agony over losing my best friend/boyfriend of 4 1/2 years. I have realized even though EVERYONE says I will get over it with time--IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. I WILL NEVER GET OVER HIM. Its a fact of my life now. However I have finally accepted it being over as of two days ago and I realize he was NEVER in love with me no matter how much I loved him. I don't think he even knows what he wants from one day to the next. I don't think he honestly thinks for himself or listens to his heart either. I still would have never changed a single thing about him though (except I wish he had been in love with me). :(

    Not that he would have ever ask me, but I would have married him in a heartbeat ;) (though I will admit marriage is a scary thought sometimes because you never know what life is going to throw at you--I wasn't worried about what life threw at me, nothing would change the way I FEEL--I know for a fact that I would always be faithful and loyal to him). I can guarantee that 100%. I do have some issues with marriage but mainly because over 65% of them end in divorce. That is terrible odds these days, but I always admire the ones who make it through to forever! :)

    I hope you figure out what is best for you!! Hang in there and BTW your boyfriend sounds like a great guy!
  14. stoid macrumors 601


    Feb 17, 2002
    So long, and thanks for all the fish!
    While I'm not married, I think that being able to have a committed partner to go through life with would make things more enjoyable than going it alone.

    Despite my best efforts though, I am still single.

    I post however to comment on the topic of 'the one,' this notion that there is a special someone out there for you. For awhile I thought I had found 'the one.' I thought this because I subconsciously had a list of traits in the 'perfect' partner, and she not only had them, but was right for me in so many ways that I had never even imagined a person could be. We connected spiritually, emotionally, socially, and morally. Then this Valentine's Day, without warning, and without explanation, she walked completely out of my life and never looked back. I no longer believe that there is one special person out there for me.

    I spent a great deal of time this summer depressed, lonely, confused, and somewhat angry. A quote that I read (I forget where) about a month ago finally set everything straight in my mind. "The only thing harder than losing you, is knowing that you weren't fighting to keep me."

    I've since realized that my problem is that I've always seen love as an emotion. That is not true. Love is a choice that you make. (Love is also an action, but as I'm waiting for marriage, I don't have much to say on that matter). When you say "I love you." you are make a choice to put that person's needs and wants before your own in everything that you do. When you say "I love you" you are giving of yourself in a wholly unselfish way.

    Love is a choice that you make though based on emotions. You choose to love someone because being with them makes you happy, because when they smile it takes your breath away and you can't help but be happy for them and with them.
  15. wdlove macrumors P6


    Oct 20, 2002
    You are just indicating your true feelings for your boyfriend. That is very sweet. Never had any doubts from the beginning. She said yes when I ask her to marry me. Believe it or not we didn't really discuss it before the proposal

    I think that it is natural to think that you don't measure up to the other. I was 23 and my wife was 25 when we met. She was my first girlfriend. Just knew from the beginning never any question. Our living together began with our first day of marriage. She was also the first person that I had relations with. It was awesome from the beginning and still is today.

    The thought of children shouldn't be a real concern. It should be by mutual agreement.

    I think that it's normal to be nervous on your wedding day. Just being human. Never had any doubts though.

    I think that you are being very mature with your thought process. You should listen to your doubts though. There really shouldn't be any doubts when the commitment is made. I have been happily married 33 years 9/9/05.

    If you ever want to talk, I would be more than happy to chat via iChat. ;)
  16. jsw Moderator emeritus


    Mar 16, 2004
    Andover, MA
    Eleven and a half years ago, in early April, due to my own stupidity, I lost someone I thought was (and, hell, maybe actually was) the love of my life.

    Day and night, all I could think about was how horrible things were. It was amazing how slowly time crept by. Minutes were agonizing. I ate almost nothing and got to the point I actually enjoyed the taste of tequila.

    It was never going to get better, and I knew it.

    Then, one day in early August (over a hundred agonizing days later), while watching some dumb action movie, I actually stopped thinking about her for a few minutes. I distinctly remember realizing that, for about an hour, I hadn't thought of her once. This was, to me, amazing because I'm not sure that a conscious thought had passed through my head since early April that wasn't at least tainted by depressed thoughts of that lost relationship.

    From that day forward, less and less of my time was spent obsessing over what I'd lost. Today, no time whatsoever is spent thinking about it (well, except for this post).

    Your friends are right. Things do get better. You just won't be able to believe that until they do.
  17. macartistkel macrumors 6502a


    Aug 7, 2005
    Portland, Oregon
    Sorry, but for some reason it always helps me to know that others have felt AS BAD AS I DO. :( I cannot stand when someone tries to give me advice and they have not been through (to the extreme point where I am at right now) the same thing, but it definitely sounds like you understand where i am coming from.

    My boyfriend ended it with me. I still want to hang on and dwell over everything all the time. It sucks, but after what keep finding out I might can learn to hate him! :mad: Probably not though, I get so angry sometimes but then my heart just tells me to love him anyway! :(
  18. jsw Moderator emeritus


    Mar 16, 2004
    Andover, MA
    Hating him won't help. It just keeps the problem alive. Ultimately, if he ended it with you, you're better off than if he'd stayed with you, without really wanting to, out of a sense of commitment or pity for you or whatever. As "nice" as that might sound now, trust me - trust me - it is, in the long run, vastly worse.

    You can still love him. That's OK. And if you truly love him, you'll come to understand why he did what he did. Or, if not... you're better off without the fink. ;)

    Seriously, though... time is your enemy now. It will be your friend soon enough.
  19. atszyman macrumors 68020


    Sep 16, 2003
    The Dallas 'burbs
    I was nervous, but I am not one that enjoys being the center of attention. However on most other days you can take away the self-assured and complacent parts and that would probably describe me well...

    I guess I knew from our second outing that my wife was a keeper. Our first outing involved meeting at a concert. She ended up getting there quite late and I had managed to consume way too much alcohol. She programmed her phone number into my cell phone and agreed to meet me for dinner the next night when I called after sobering up. I brought her a rose as an apology for the previous nights behavior, which was one of my smoothest moves since no one had ever brought her flowers before.

    Since she managed to forgive me for being a pretty big idiot right out of the gate and didn't just run I knew that she had to be something special. We've only been married 3 years so far but she has forgiven me for being an idiot on at least a weekly basis for 5 years now so I'm almost trained now.
  20. stubeeef macrumors 68030


    Aug 10, 2004
    I had a strong feeling the first evening we met.

    But didn't know she was the one till 6 months later.

    We had and have our ups and down, but we have been able to work through those times well. That is what is important. We met in December on a blind date set up by my mom while I was on Christmas leave from the Navy. We got engaged 7.5 months later, married a total of 10 months from meeting. We will celebrate our 15th anniversary this Oct.

    But you know when you know. If you don't know, then NO.
  21. kgarner macrumors 68000


    Jan 28, 2004
    Marriage, like any relationship, takes work. I knew without a doubt after only a month, but my wife (then girlfriend, duh) needed more time. There is no magic recipe for a successful marriage. But I think a good indication is your ability to work throught he hard times when your dating. Of course, if you have to work too hard at it now, you might consider looking elsewhere.

    Personally, I don't think there is a certain age to start considering marriage (unless we are talking high school age, that's too young). I was 22 and my wife was 20 when we got hitched. 6.5 years and 2 kids later we are more in love than ever.
  22. rainman::|:| macrumors 603


    Feb 2, 2002
    personally i found that every guy i decided was "the one" turned out to be a loser, so eventually when I found a guy where it wasn't an issue, it seemed to make sense. And we keep getting along without killing each other. Remarkable, from a logical standpoint :)
  23. 3rdpath macrumors 68000


    Jan 7, 2002
    2nd star on the right and straight till morning
    my wife and i just had an amazing attraction to each other from the beginning. we got along well, liked the same things, had escaped horrible previous relationships and both had decided to live our lives on our own terms.

    it wasn't always smooth working through our issues but it just felt like we were both becoming better people as our relationship developed. we dated 3 years before we married which left few surprises-which is good.

    btw, today's our 8 year wedding anniversary.
  24. MongoTheGeek macrumors 68040


    Sep 13, 2003
    Its not so much where you are as when you are.

    For me it was one day after we had been dating a couple of months and I had the absolute worst day of my life (up til then. I've had a half dozen since that were worse) It was also largely her fault that things went as badly as they did.

    It was then that I realized that that was probably as bad as it could ever get and that I still wanted to be with her.
  25. iBlue macrumors Core


    Mar 17, 2005
    London, England

    well that is very good advice, i wholeheartedly agree.

    for me i've never had that [ding] lightbulb moment of "just knowing" i am not that type of person i imagine. i am cynical, critical, aloof and distrustful... of everyone and everything. i had to think about it logically and figure out what the best thing actually was. after careful consideration i saw that it would work. this is how i decide on many things in my life. i don't go into things like that so hastily. just as i turn on the light before i walk into a dark room; i can't just throw caution to the wind and i can't just spontaneously know how i feel about something so important. seldom are things so black and white in life.

    those "i just knew" things people say are very cute but not altogther appropriate for all of us. i see you as one of those that will never "just know" or just accept something devilot.
    so i'll refer you back to emw's sound advice.
    {{{hug}}} don't fret and don't place too much stock into those fairy tale moments. there are so many different kinds of love, if you only believe in the fairy tale kind, you'll always be disappointed.

Share This Page