Dear Ann: * Please do not spell things phonetically. You clearly mispronounce a lot of words. * Never start a sentence with "and," "but" or your crush on Timothy McVeigh. * You have a tendency to write awkward sentences when working with concepts unfamiliar to you, such as American history. * Although 780 endnotes is indeed impressive, almost all of yours seem to cite dreams, overheard bus conversations and blackface vaudevillian routines. * Considering his death, perhaps it's best if you rephrase "I want to blow Ronald Reagan" in the past tense. * Please check to ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, not simply a target and a racial slur. * Contrary to your impassioned statements, James G. Watt's environmental policies did not, in fact, bring back the unicorn. * Introductory elements of a sentence typically tend to establish either time or condition, not the author's overwhelming insecurity or need to avenge third-grade taunts. * Keep your sentences simple, not your thoughts. * The word "God" does not appear in the U.S. Constitution. Neither does the word "genocide." * If you consult our publishing house's manual of style you'll notice that we frown on printing white text on white paper, despite your crippling fear of all things black. * Read your manuscript out loud. If it sounds like Deutschland Uber Allies could easily be played in the background while you speak, we may have a problem. * I'm very uncomfortable with the numerous rape fantasies in your manuscript, whether its the rape of the earth, of our natural resources or of you by Joe McCarthy. * While I understand that you like to engage in hyperbole, calling yourself "attractive" is simply pushing it.