Post your most embarrassing moment

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by celticpride678, Jul 30, 2009.

  1. celticpride678

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2009
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    #1
    What is the most embarrassing moment in your entire life? Who was around? Where was it? What did you do? What was everyones/you reaction?
     
  2. rdowns macrumors Penryn

    rdowns

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2003
    #2
    A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards.

    It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

    We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

    I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.

    Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...

    Entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good ****, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a ****. I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions. I began "The Move."

    For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to
    position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of **** at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even
    assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a ballet dancer.

    I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.

    In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled
    down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over **** no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since ******** will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed in Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of **** the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass.

    But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The **** wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the **** wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of **** remaining on about one third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon. Now, back to the vomit...

    While all the ******** was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.

    In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in **** that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid ****. All while thick **** was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat. And there was no ****ing toilet paper.

    What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

    About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing.

    She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

    The manager then came back in with a half dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above.

    At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.
    Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

    When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door. The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.
     
  3. killerrobot macrumors 68020

    killerrobot

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2007
    Location:
    127.0.0.1
    #3
    I've got nothing to top that. That's enough embarrassment for the whole thread I'd think.
     
  4. skunk macrumors G4

    skunk

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2002
    Location:
    Republic of Ukistan
    #4
    A strangely familiar tale. Do you have an identically-challenged twin brother, by any chance?
     
  5. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #5
    I can't. This site is family-friendly. Let's just say I passed out drunk while very horny. And I was alone at the time. That's all I'm going to say. :D
     
  6. mkrishnan Moderator emeritus

    mkrishnan

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2004
    Location:
    Grand Rapids, MI, USA
    #7
    If this is the story I'm thinking of, I can confirm that it's a good one. :D
     
  7. MacMini2009 macrumors 68000

    MacMini2009

    Joined:
    May 22, 2009
    Location:
    California
  8. GfPQqmcRKUvP macrumors 68040

    GfPQqmcRKUvP

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2005
    Location:
    Terminus
    #9
    rdowns: I'm at work and I just attempted to read your story. I got through the first 5 paragraphs with a small smile on my face, then it got ridiculous. I had to close the window to prevent from cracking up in the middle of my office. I tried to cool off, I got up and got some water, and I sat back down. Pretty sure I could continue, I opened it up again and I was not ready for the ****-storm that was occuring. I closed it again. This has continued for the past 30 minutes and I just finally finished it. And here I sit, in my cubicle with my fellow co-workers, stifling laughter with tears streaming down my face. This is, without a doubt, the funniest story I have ever read on the internet. The situation, the comedy, and your writing make it all fantastic. I applaud you, sir.
     
  9. SilentPanda Moderator emeritus

    SilentPanda

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Location:
    The Bamboo Forest
    #10
    A long while back I used to work at a hospital where we had white scrubs to wear... so anyway I bought a bunch of "fun" boxers to wear underneath... sometimes you could see what was on them. Mostly cartoon characters...

    Anyway one night at the bar I somehow managed to rip the back pocket off my jeans (the pocket caught in some metal on the seat and when I stood up it tore off). Anyway... I ended up walking home (about 10 blocks) with Tommy from Rugrats showing on my right bum cheek.
     
  10. jecapaga macrumors 601

    jecapaga

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2007
    Location:
    Southern California
  11. toolbox macrumors 68020

    toolbox

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2007
    Location:
    Australia (WA)
    #12
    Um wow lol sorry i couldn't help but laugh to some of your wording but dam that would have been so embarrassing

    Truly epic
     
  12. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #13
    That's the story. I don't think I will ever live that down.

    The other was when my female roommate caught me getting up in the morning to go to the bathroom in my tighty whiteys. And you know what condition guys have in the morning. Oops.
     
  13. n-abounds macrumors 6502a

    n-abounds

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2006
    #14
    You can't tease us like that! Spill it.
     
  14. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #15
    Let's just say my roommates woke up before I did and got an eyefull. I had passed out while doing something. ;)
     
  15. JLatte macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2005
    Location:
    San Diego
    #16
    Well I've got nothing to top that last story...but here's mine anyways.

    Not too embarrassing but a few years ago I got an anal abscess, right on the rim of my bum hole. I was fine with not going, but my girlfriend at the time made go to urgent care when it hurt too much to sit, s***, etc.

    The doctor asked me a couple of questions, and since my ex-girlfriend was sitting next to me, had to ask the obligatory "Did you insert any foreign objects into said rectum which may have caused tears, etc". I didn't, but he said sometimes people just get abscesses, and I just got the one that hurts a bit.

    Next he had me drop my pants, lie on my side on the table and I had to spread one of my own cheeks open with the one arm I had available so that he could insert the needle straight onto the rim of my sphincter. That's the part that hurt like ****. Then he took a scalpel, sliced the abscess, drained it while different colors of red and yellow ran all over my a** and the paper on the table. After it was drained, he stuffed gauze strip in there with a little tip sticking out so I could pull it out the next day. Oh, and my a** was taped together so that my cheeks wouldn't spread too much from sitting, etc.

    The same day was fun, I had to get help changing the bandage around my hole with my girlfriend helping me with that and laughing the entire time. When it came time to remove it, I had to take a hot bath, let it soak and then spread my legs and yank out the gauze strip that was packaged neatly inside the skin.

    I don't know what the moral of the story is... I don't think there is one.
     
  16. rdowns macrumors Penryn

    rdowns

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2003
    #17


    Just a very old posting from Usenet from the 90s. I didn't write it.
     
  17. Dagless macrumors Core

    Dagless

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2005
    Location:
    Fighting to stay in the EU
    #18
    Not really a bad one but I went to a uniform secondary school, and around Christmas or sometime we were allowed to wear our own clothes. Well, one day 1/2 of our year wore their own clothes and the next day the other half would get a turn.
    Our half got to go first. The next day I plum forgot about the half school thing and turned up in my own clothes again. So I was sat in a bunch of 30 or so kids in uniform wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Luckily I got to go home and get changed which meant missing out classes for a few hours. I even walked the 2 hours there and back again listening to some good music on the minidisc, which was nice.
     
  18. MegaMillions macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2009
    #19
    The second post was posted one minute after the OPs original post. How did that happen?
     
  19. TwinCities Dan macrumors 603

    TwinCities Dan

    Joined:
    May 19, 2008
    Location:
    Double Parked out front of the Courthouse
    #20
    Read the thread... :rolleyes:
     
  20. rhett7660 macrumors G4

    rhett7660

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2008
    Location:
    Sunny, Southern California
    #21
    rdowns... I was laughing so hard my wife came in and had to see what I was doing. She started to read and left before she got to the "good" parts..... She was laughing to and didn't need to read any more.. The way that is written is priceless....

    I am safe to say I can't top that......
     
  21. dmmcintyre3 macrumors 68020

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2007
    #22
    I have seen worse... There was a reply made before the thread started:eek: In 2028
     
  22. Tomorrow macrumors 604

    Tomorrow

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2008
    Location:
    Always a day away
    #23
    Yeah, I remember reading this one some time ago, as well.
     
  23. DiamondMac macrumors 68040

    DiamondMac

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2006
    Location:
    Washington, D.C.
    #24
    During Law School, I did a summer program at the local DA's office

    While there, the DA's allowed me to do a case basically on my own so I got through the cross and at the end, the Judge told me to stand up and started asking me all these questions legal-wise....to which I had no clue and kept having her roll her eyes and ask me whether I should do law for a living.

    She basically pulled my pants down and had everyone laughing at me. I mean, guys with 30-40 year life sentences were laughing in the court room.

    It was bad but taught me a valuable lesson about prep for trials.
     
  24. yg17 macrumors G5

    yg17

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2004
    Location:
    St. Louis, MO
    #25
    Back in, I think it was 7th grade, we were taking a test in science class and it was dead quiet in there. I dropped my pencil, and when I leaned over to pick it up, a loud fart snuck its way out, and everyone knew it was me. It was embarrassing back then, but now I just look back at it and think it's funny.
     

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