Prose for Critique

Discussion in 'Community' started by G5orbust, Jan 17, 2004.

  1. G5orbust macrumors 65816


    Jun 14, 2002
    I know this is kind of strange, but I wrote this at 11 last night and it was a product of anger and frustration. I got positive feedback from people, so I just wanted to see what the greater community thought.

    Here it is:

    The Painful Truth
    by Me

    This is the sad song of a good gone wrong; tragedy, reality and a psycho mentality all create you/ sedate me; a unawakeable slumber, plagued by the sounds of your insatiable hunger. Keep your distance, listen, I only speak the truth; pain in strips, keep me going like lies rolling off your lips. One sound... the screams multiply/divide/ appear and hide. Its all an act, its not my fault that I talk back, just keep it simple and maybe I wont react/ violently, you push and you scream but you over looked one thing and that thing is me.

    Tell me what you guys think of it.
    (Andrej no need to do this again)
  2. JesseJames macrumors 6502a

    Mar 28, 2003
    How'd I get here? How can I leave?
    Is this something for Slam Poetry night?
    It's good.
  3. zarathustra macrumors 6502a


    Jul 16, 2002
    Philadelphia, PA
    I like the rhythm of the piece, but you trail off the central idea and I am left figuring out what it is that actually bothers you.

    You are in an unawakeable slumber, yet you keep going and keep being pushed... there is too many conflicting verbal vehicles and mental pictures going on...

    It almost feels like angst for the sake of angst.
  4. G5orbust thread starter macrumors 65816


    Jun 14, 2002
    The confusing ideas presented represent the fact that I dont know whats wrong either. Kind of like the chaos of the moment.

    Hope that helps a little bit in explaining the piece.

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