Sexual Compatibility: Important?

samiwas

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So, this (obviously tabloid-trash) article popped up on my Facebook feed today, and I read it, and then read the comments.

The New York Daily News reports former Miss USA Olivia Culpo broke up with Tebow because he wouldn’t have sex with her due to his abstinent lifestyle.
Now, I don't really care about the article or Tim Tebow, or even if any of the article is true. But, I found some of the comments quite intriguing. I'm not including the obvious troll/insulting-type comments (like "he must be gay!!"), but more questioning the "is sex important in a relationship" style comments.

You think "sexual compatibility" is a thing. Please. That's just an excuse people make to be promiscuous...nothing more. Look...as long as both people have working sets of parts...compatibility is pretty simple. The rest is just communication.
That's not how marriage works. It isn't about "sexual compatibility", it's about commitment and making it work. Two people who have decided they love each other and want to spend their lives together will work at it to make every aspect of their lives wonderful, but it does take work. No relationship is perfectly compatible in all ways at all times, and every aspect will take work and communication to be the best it can be. Sexual "compatibility" is only a make-or-break issue for shallow people, so it's a good thing Tebow's relationship ended. Who wants to be married to someone so shallow?
You are naive if you think such a thing (sexual compatibility) exists. Incompatible how exactly?
In other words, she's afraid of commitment.
What's wrong with waiting? You don't have to test your "sexual compatibility", but testing values compatibility is apparently something that just happened with the ending of this relationship. Values not compatible, why go further?
So, do a lot of people believe that sexual compatibility is not important in a relationship? I'm not talking about a "relationship based on sex", but rather whether two people with wildly different sexual desires would be able to have a successful relationship without one of them feeling slighted.

I know, for myself, I would have a very hard time staying with someone who never wanted sex, or only wanted plain sex. They would have to be absolutely amazing in every other way. Even then, I'm not sure it would overcome that obstacle.

I've been with girls who had never done anything, and girls who were very experienced and wanted it non-stop. While the thrill of getting to that point with the girl who had never done anything was there, the excitement of the others definitely had its plusses.

So, is such a thing important?
 
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citizenzen

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It seems obvious to me that it's an important factor. You just can't put any two people together and expect it to all work the same.

Interesting insight into Tebow, however. Somebody should find him a good Christian girl so he can settle down and get some.
 

0007776

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Now, I don't really care about the article or Tim Tebow, or even if any of the article is true. But, I found some of the comments quite intriguing. I'm not including the obvious troll/insulting-type comments (like "he must be gay!!"), but more questioning the "is sex important in a relationship" style comments.
The important thing is that you both are on the same page about if you are going to have sex before marriage, obviously they weren't and it ended the relationship. Either way can work, marriages tended to last longer before having sex before marriage was a really common thing so I don't think you have to try it out to make sure you are comparable before you get married. However society has changed in a lot of different ways so I would be hesitant to blame the increased divorce rate on more people having sex before marriage although it certainly could have an effect of decreasing commitment.
 

Eraserhead

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I've recently been to see the Al Wei Wei exhibition in London where he has some sex toys. Some people look amused, and some people clearly have no idea.

Someone who just likes vanilla sex isn't compatible with someone who likes to be tied up, let alone someone who lives scat play.
 

vrDrew

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Its definitely an issue.

Its probably not impossible that two people can be in a stable, long-term, happy relationship while having widely divergent sexual desires. But its hard.

One common issue is that people's level of interest in sex changes over time. Some (but by no means all) women experience sharp decreases in libido following such natural events as childbirth and menopause. There are also physiological and psychological changes that can effect the sex drive of either gender.

For many couples, sex can act as a sort of "glue" to smooth over the rough edges of disagreement and resentment that crop up in every relationship. If that "glue" is lost, repairing the emotional rifts can get harder and harder.

From a male perspective, possibly the worst situation is to find oneself involved with a woman whose sex drive has completely evaporated; and yet who still manages to exhibit extreme sexual jealousy toward her partner; where innocent every word her husband exchanges with a waitress or shop assistant leads to wild accusations and angry fights.
 

steve knight

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I have read about woman who waited till marriage (waited on everything) only to have the problems with sexual compatibility to destroy the marriage. the magical thing of virginity is supposed o make sex so much better. right it sure does not work that way.
It is more for the man so he does not have to be jealous of another lover and she can never know how bad he is in bed.
 
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Happybunny

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Sex is to be enjoyed, and to enjoy it you have to be good at it.

Like most of my class and generation, my father took me to a bordello when I was 15 years old to learn the ropes.

Years later I remember when I met my future first wife, I introduced her to my parents, and my mother asked after about 15 minutes “Hows the sex, does it rock your worlds”



Sex is the cement that holds a relationship together, it'll get through the difficult times, in a relationship.
 

samiwas

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The important thing is that you both are on the same page about if you are going to have sex before marriage, obviously they weren't and it ended the relationship.
Agreed on this. I used to be the "no sex before marriage type". I am so, so glad I did not stick to that. If two people are going to get into a real relationship, knowing what to expect sexually should be a discussion early on.

Either way can work, marriages tended to last longer before having sex before marriage was a really common thing so I don't think you have to try it out to make sure you are comparable before you get married.
I'm sure it can work, for two people who have the same views. But I would say that it's definitely not a given.

Someone who just likes vanilla sex isn't compatible with someone who likes to be tied up, let alone someone who lives scat play.
This is certainly true. A girl I used to date is into all sorts of heavy domination-type stuff, and likes very frequent sex. Her husband, for a while, was practically asexual. It nearly led to divorce. Slowly, she's turned him around a little.

One common issue is that people's level of interest in sex changes over time. Some (but by no means all) women experience sharp decreases in libido following such natural events as childbirth and menopause. There are also physiological and psychological changes that can effect the sex drive of either gender.
Definitely. If two people get together and marry with a mutual love of "amorous activities" and then one suddenly pulls the plug, it can certainly lead to discontent.

For many couples, sex can act as a sort of "glue" to smooth over the rough edges of disagreement and resentment that crop up in every relationship. If that "glue" is lost, repairing the emotional rifts can get harder and harder.
Absolutely. I've been through this. If you don't have something fun to fall back on, petty disagreements can build up to larger fights.

From a male perspective, possibly the worst situation is to find oneself involved with a woman whose sex drive has completely evaporated; and yet who still manages to exhibit extreme sexual jealousy toward her partner; where innocent every word her husband exchanges with a waitress or shop assistant leads to wild accusations and angry fights.
Luckily, even when I was in the "evaporated sexual desire" situation, my other half was not too jealous. I met get the occasional smack on the shoulder when I snapped my neck to check out some girl, but it was mostly light-hearted.
 

63dot

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I think the subject of the topic becomes too much about Tebow who is a divisive character. His self righteousness does not represent Christianity, if in fact he is self-righteous or just a convenient target.
 

0098386

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So, do a lot of people believe that sexual compatibility is not important in a relationship? I'm not talking about a "relationship based on sex", but rather whether two people with wildly different sexual desires would be able to have a successful relationship without one of them feeling slighted.
Disclaimer: I've no idea who those people are.
I think it's very important. It'd be like having a hobby that, usually, you only do with one person. If you want to take part in that hobby and your partner doesn't - you're not going to have a good time. If you're asexual (as it sounds like the case is here) then you might be best looking for someone else who's asexual, or open the relationship up so the sexual partner can fulfil their sexuality too.
 

samiwas

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Disclaimer: I've no idea who those people are.
I think it's very important. It'd be like having a hobby that, usually, you only do with one person. If you want to take part in that hobby and your partner doesn't - you're not going to have a good time.
Indeed. Someone who's a homebody video gamer probably isn't going to have the best time with someone who is a big outdoors type (hiking, biking, etc).

If you're asexual (as it sounds like the case is here) then you might be best looking for someone else who's asexual, or open the relationship up so the sexual partner can fulfil their sexuality too.
I assume you're talking about the article, and not me...
 

vrDrew

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Some years ago, a friend asked me what he might do to rekindle the sexual relationship with his wife. My (totally serious) answer was: "Bob - try being nice to her."

Because the reality was that (IMHO) he was treating his wife dreadfully badly: He was selfish about how they spent their limited money; frequently bad-tempered; bullying and derisive in both his speech and actions.

Needless to say; he didn't follow my advice. And his long put-upon wife finally moved out and sued him for divorce.

I thought, at the time, that such matters followed a near-algebraic progression. Input positive element X; factored in circumstance Y; applied constant C - and enjoy desired result Z.

But time goes by, I have come to the sad realization that some things either cannot be fixed, or are simply beyond human understanding. That the heart wants what it wants. And a broken oven never gets hot, no matter how high your turn the knob.
 

The-Real-Deal82

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I don't think I have ever met anybody who claims sex isn't important in a relationship. Without it, relationships are stale and it leads to resentment I think. I've been with my wife 11 years and married for 5 and we always make the effort to date each other and remember what it was that made that initial spark. It's very important I would say.
 

chown33

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... And a broken oven never gets hot, no matter how high your turn the knob.
Why assume the oven is broken? Maybe the oven isn't that into you. Or you're not turning its knob the right way.

To quote Blaise Pascal, "The oven has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."
 
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samiwas

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I don't think I have ever met anybody who claims sex isn't important in a relationship. Without it, relationships are stale and it leads to resentment I think.
Hence starting this thread. Some of the comments quoted seemed not so much to say that sex isn't important, but that as long as you have the ability to have it, your desires and wants don't really matter, because love will take over and make it irrelevant.
 

vrDrew

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To quote Blaise Pascal, "The oven has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."


Don't get me started on European ovens.

Rather than words such as bake, broil, clean, European ovens almost always mark their controls with a library of comically obtuse Euroglyphics. Some of these symbols indicate whether the oven's heat comes from below or above and are relatively easy for a chump from the colonies to guess. Others are harder to fathom: the P with swirls around it, the P with somewhat larger swirls, the swirls inside a circle between two horizontal lines, the snowflake (odd for a device that we generally expect to heat its contents), and the weeping asterisk.
I'm sure there is some metaphorical lesson to be learned here. I failed miserably in my attempts to interact with German appliances. I did somewhat better with German women, despite speaking - at best - college freshman German.

As for their North American sisters? I am reasonably confident they belong to the same species. But thats about as far as I'll go.
 
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obeygiant

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Tim Tebow is a dork. It just sex. For those of us who've had sex before (as in trying to get pregnant not just for fun) sex is like taking a **** - its a bodily function. If you love someone its just natural, why let some religion get in the way?