Tell a joke...

Discussion in 'Politics, Religion, Social Issues' started by Snoopy4, Jun 21, 2018.

  1. Snoopy4 macrumors 6502a

    Snoopy4

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    #1
    Or take one for that matter....

    With all the political bickering around here, I think it’s time for some levity. I’ll start, and others can follow. I’m sure it will spiral into a political debate, but it might be fun while it lasts....

    A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of 'mixed emotions'. The husband turned to his wife and said "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time?"

    She said "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest d...”
     
  2. velocityg4 macrumors 601

    velocityg4

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    #2
    “When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.”

    ― Oscar Wilde
     
  3. blackfox, Jun 21, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2018

    blackfox macrumors 65816

    blackfox

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    #3
    Hillary Clinton isn't taking the loss very well. So I said to her, Cheer up! At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.

    For Balance:

    George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side." Bush interrupted, "Well, that’s normal, isn’t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?" The doctor replied, "That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left."
     
  4. darksithpro macrumors 6502a

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    #4
    A cheeseburger and a hot-dog enter a bar. They sit down at the bar stools. Bartender walks over. They say to the bartender "can we look at the menu?" Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here".
     
  5. Sydde macrumors 68020

    Sydde

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    #5
    As it happens, Obama and Trump are in the same barbershop getting a haircut. When Trump's barber finishes, he asks Trump if he would like a bit of cologne. Trump replies, “No, Melania would be upset if I came home smelling like a brothel.

    Just then, Obama's barber finishes and asks him if he would like a spritz of cologne, to which Obama replies, “Sure – Michelle doesn't know what a brothel smells like.
     
  6. darksithpro macrumors 6502a

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    #6
    Democratic strategy, post 2016 Trump election...:p:cool:

    [​IMG]
     
  7. Hater macrumors 6502a

    Hater

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  8. bradl macrumors 68040

    bradl

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    #8
    Tell a joke and I will sigh
    and you will laugh and I will cry.

    - Black Sabbath, Paranoid, 1970

    'nuff said. ;)

    BL.
     
  9. blackfox macrumors 65816

    blackfox

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    #9
    That could play both ways...
     
  10. darksithpro macrumors 6502a

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    #10

    Either way it's a loose-loose.
     
  11. blackfox macrumors 65816

    blackfox

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    #11
    Or lose-lose
     
  12. darksithpro macrumors 6502a

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    #12

    Oops, lol.
     
  13. Fugabutacus macrumors regular

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    #13
    Spent some time by the wife's grave today. She doesn't know. She thinks I'm digging a pond.
     
  14. Zenithal, Jun 22, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2018

    Zenithal macrumors G3

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    #14
    Wish I had something funny to say. I don't know many jokes off-hand. I laugh at them, that's about the extent of what I do. Though I do point out humor in others as I see fit, depending on circumstance and the appropriateness of the situation.

    I hear that a lot these days. Mainly from my kids. One of them clocked me hard with a stuffed giraffe this week. You know when you get hit hard enough in the face you feel that buzzing in your sinus? Yeah, it was like that. After I regained focus, I got an "ooops" followed by a fit of giggles. Hard to get mad since they don't know better. Makes me rethink if that one would be good at baseball or tennis.


    Mr. Giraffe was later arrested, post-bedtime, and locked in the clink because that thing is a weapon. It weighs close to 2 lb.
     
  15. yg17 macrumors G5

    yg17

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    #15
    Donald Trump dies and goes to hell. The devil says to him "Hell is full, but you deserve to be here. I have 3 people here who aren't as bad as you, so you will replace one, and I will even let you choose who you replace."

    The devil opens up door number one, and in it is Ronald Reagan, diving into the sea and coming up empty handed. He jumps back in, and comes back up empty handed. Searching for treasure that doesn't exist on the ocean floor is his fate for all of eternity. Trump says "I am not a very good swimmer. I'll take my chances with door number two".

    The devil opens up door number two, and in it is George W Bush. He is breaking rocks with a sledgehammer into smaller pieces. Once the rocks are small enough, more boulders tumble down from the cliffs that rise high above him. Breaking rocks 24/7 is how he is spending eternity. Trump says "I do not like manual labor, this does not sound fun. I will take my chances with door number 3"

    The devil opens up door number three. In there is Bill Clinton, with his pants off, receiving oral from Monica Lewinsky. Bill finishes, and Monica goes right back to town again. Again and again. It's just endless blow jobs from here until the end of time. Trump says "She's fat and ugly, she's a 2 at best, but I think I can live with this for eternity, it's better than the other two. I'll take door number 3!"

    And the devil says "Congratulations Monica, you're free to go."
     
  16. arkitect macrumors 603

    arkitect

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    #16
    Thanks. I actually Laughed Out Loud.
    :D
     
  17. TheHateMachine macrumors 6502a

    TheHateMachine

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    #17
    Two convicts are trying to escape from prison at night. They both manage to get on the roof where they can see the city skyline. "It is beautiful! Our Freedom!" one says.

    So they go to the edge of the roof and see a large gap between their building and the next to freedom. One of the convicts leaps across effortlessly, the other stays behind because he is too scared to jump. So the convict that jumped across the gap has an idea. "Hey!" he shouts, "Tell you what, I will use this flashlight to light up the gap and you can walk across the beam"

    The other convict scoffed at this plan. "Do you think I am stupid? You will just turn it off when I am halfway across and let me fall!"
     
  18. Snoopy4 thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Snoopy4

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    Dec 29, 2014
    #18
    A boy and his dad talking

    Son:
    Dad what's the difference between theory and reality?

    Dad:
    Well son, go ask your sister and mother if they would sleep with a man for a million dollars.

    Son returns;
    Dad they both said they would sleep with a man for a million dollars but I still don't know the difference between theory and reality.

    Dad
    Well son in theory we are worth TWO MILLION DOLLARS
    But the reality is we live with a couple of hookers.
     
  19. Snoopy4 thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Snoopy4

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    #19
    A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

    The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

    They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

    The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

    They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

    The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

    The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."
     
  20. Raid macrumors 68020

    Raid

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    #22
    So I go into an Apple store and to buy a monitor stand... I'm down a kidney but can now rotate the screen!
     
  21. Herdfan macrumors 6502

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    #23
    Baby seal walked into a club.....................
     
  22. Sydde macrumors 68020

    Sydde

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    #24
    A priest, a rabbi and and atheist walk into a bar. The priest falls on his butt, the atheist stumbles around holding his head and groaning, while the rabbi shakes his fist at the sky, “Is that the best you can do?
     
  23. ucfgrad93 macrumors P6

    ucfgrad93

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    #25
    Why do cows wear bells?













    Their horns don't work!
     

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