Texas chili contest.

Discussion in 'Community' started by GeeYouEye, Aug 22, 2005.

  1. GeeYouEye macrumors 68000


    Dec 9, 2001
    State of Denial
    If you can read this whole story without
    laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
    first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
    For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
    They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
    around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City

    Note #2 (by me): you will probably want to read this standing up, so as not to fall out of your chair.

    The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who
    was visiting from Springfield, IL.
    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
    directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
    assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
    wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
    beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
    Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

    Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
    could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
    the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.>
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    Judgge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
    I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3< -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.

    Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
    my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****- faced
    from all of the beer...

    Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2> -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
    or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
    to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
    was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
    look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    adding consideerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
    and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
    needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
    her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
    bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
    I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
    asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superbb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it
    will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

    Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
    worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
    he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
    which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
    match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
    me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
    getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
    the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    bold but sppicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
    Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
    on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella,
    wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
  2. JesseJames macrumors 6502a

    Mar 28, 2003
    How'd I get here? How can I leave?
    Yeah, that was pretty funny. Man, I need to get back to Texas and have some REAL chili.
    I especially like when he needed to wipe his rectum with a snowcone. :D
  3. GanChan macrumors 6502a

    Jun 21, 2005
  4. ham_man macrumors 68020


    Jan 21, 2005
    Balmy... :D
  5. homerjward macrumors 68030


    May 11, 2004
    fig tree
    :rolleyes: i cant believe how hot it's been this summer. looking at actual temperature it seems about average but stepping outside i feel like im gonna melt...
    anyway, back OT. when/where is this chili-fest? i loves me some chili! :D
    unlike the texas stereotype, i really have a low tolerance for spiciness :eek: :eek: although there's a lot of things about texas i dont like/fit...:rolleyes: moving along...:)
  6. ham_man macrumors 68020


    Jan 21, 2005

    Are you serious?!?! This is one of the coolest summers in a few years. It has only broken 100 degrees 5 or so days. Much better than the 27 straight and 40 some odd total or something a few years back...

Share This Page