The best family Christmas story ever!!!

Discussion in 'Community' started by MacBandit, Dec 19, 2002.

  1. MacBandit macrumors 604


    Aug 9, 2002
    Springfield, OR (Home of the Simpsons)
    This was sent to me by a friend. I have know idea where it originated I just know it's hilarious and I thought I would share it.

    This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
    out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize: Christmas
    with Louise was a joke: my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over
    his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
    them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
    every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his
    poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

    One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went
    in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
    Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

    If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
    yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"

    "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the
    inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
    could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
    lane during rush hour.

    Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different
    models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
    things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
    Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

    To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve
    and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My
    sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours.

    Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with
    Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
    remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
    couple of hours.

    The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
    and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
    confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
    more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
    of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
    Christmas dinner.

    My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
    hell is that?" she asked My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who
    would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
    candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny

    "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the
    living room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
    Again, I could have answered but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
    wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang

    My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
    said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's
    friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
    Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
    realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

    The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
    was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like
    my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the
    pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the

    The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
    across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
    resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny
    threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car

    It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's
    garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
    collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
    back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct ta
    pe, we restored her to perfect health.

    As each of you gather with your family during the holiday season may the
    thought of this bring a smile to your face.
  2. Steradian macrumors 6502

    Dec 3, 2002
    San Jose

    That is very funny, im gunnna sooooo print this.

    PowerBook G4 1ghz
  3. wdlove macrumors P6


    Oct 20, 2002
    Thank you for sharing your Christmas Story, it does give a laugh!

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