What Should I Do? (Girl Trouble)

clayj

macrumors 604
Original poster
Jan 14, 2005
7,473
180
visiting from downstream
OK, here's the scenario: I've been dating this girl for about a month and a half now... everything seemed to be going well, we have quite a lot in common, and I thought we had sort of a connection. So we went together, along with some friends of hers, to a steeplechase (horse racing event) this past Saturday. Since I have an SUV, I drove... she rode with me, along with another couple. So far, so good. But near the end of the day, she totally ditched me and started hanging out with this guy from the car next to ours. After the horse racing, there was dancing at the main tent, about 1/4 mile away... but rather than drive with us to the tent (it had been raining), she walked to the tent with this guy. And when it was time to go, she stayed behind (a friend of hers who had driven separately was still there, so I assume she went home with her).

The question: Should I even bother trying to continue things with her, or should I just cut her loose? It seems to me that ditching the person you went to an event with is just plain wrong, and I know I've been wronged. I haven't spoken to her or e-mailed her all week, and her one e-mail to me (on Tuesday) made no mention of what happened on Saturday. Everyone I've consulted so far has said that I should just let her go, since anyone who behaves that way isn't worth seeing... but I want to get more feedback before I make my final decision.
 

PlaceofDis

macrumors Core
Jan 6, 2004
19,232
4
shes not worth your time, move on in my opinion, she really disrespected you by doing that...i wouldn't waste my time with her, especially if she has barely talked to you since then

sorry man
 

jsw

Moderator emeritus
Mar 16, 2004
22,819
41
Andover, MA
Odds are that it's a lost cause. However, on the basis of my own experience with assuming things were one way when, as it turned out, they weren't, I'd suggest you ask her - as subtly or as bluntly as you'd like - about whether or not her actions meant that her interest in the relationship had faded.

Presumably, she'll confirm - or at least not deny - your interpretation. But it's worth asking. That way, ten years from now, you won't wonder.

Edit: I agree that her actions were disrespectful. Regardless of her interest in the relationship, you certainly have every right to lose yours.
 

mkrishnan

Moderator emeritus
Jan 9, 2004
29,641
12
Grand Rapids, MI, USA
Clay, I'm so sorry that happened to you...that is *completely* inappropriate date behavior on her part. Even if that's the way she felt, she should have been more discreet about it. You don't need that. :(
 

mad jew

Moderator emeritus
Apr 3, 2004
32,194
6
Adelaide, Australia
It's pretty easy for us to tell you to give up on her (which I recommend) but we don't have any connection/chemistry with her at all. I suppose it really comes down to whether she's worth the games because it sounds like she'll be a bit of a handful if things get more serious. Can you be bothered?
 

clayj

macrumors 604
Original poster
Jan 14, 2005
7,473
180
visiting from downstream
mad jew said:
It's pretty easy for us to tell you to give up on her (which I recommend) but we don't have any connection/chemistry with her at all. I suppose it really comes down to whether she's worth the games because it sounds like she'll be a bit of a handful if things get more serious. Can you be bothered?
See, that's the problem. It's easy enough for everyone to say "cut her loose" (and virtually everyone has), but the thing is I really like her a lot, and I haven't met anyone quite like her in a very long time. (And yes, I've told her this, in my own befuddled and awkward way.) So I'm concerned that this might have just been a one-time event, and I'd hate to dismiss her so quickly if that's the case.

Thanks everyone for your advice... I am taking all of it to heart.

Mr. Anderson: It was spontaneous... she just met him. Alcohol may have been a factor... we were all cooped up in cars for a while while it rained, and I know that we were both a little drunk. And thanks.
 

Mr. Anderson

Moderator emeritus
Nov 1, 2001
22,407
0
VA
Talk to her and see what she says. Did these two have history or is it something that just spontaneously happened?

Good luck,

D
 

sourcemonkey

macrumors regular
forget her, if there was a good reason she should have let you know. find someone whose really cares about you and how you feel. if you feel you have good friends (which i'm sure you have-although of course i don't know) its wise to listen to them. women are masters at clouding a man's judgement so an outside take can often shed light on things. be strong and teach her a lesson by blanking her - not with bitterness though... be the winner in this not the loser.
i hope you can clear this up and move on in whatever direction you ultimately choose.
 

miloblithe

macrumors 68020
Nov 14, 2003
2,076
28
Washington, DC
Talk to her. They key to any relationship is communicating. Even if it turns out that it's over, at least you'll have done it through communicating rather than assuming.
 

mad jew

Moderator emeritus
Apr 3, 2004
32,194
6
Adelaide, Australia
What jew says: Talk it over with her, maybe at a nice restaurant or something. try to gauge how she actually feels about you whether this be from talking to her or talking to her friends. Don't treat it as a fight (which is pretty easy to do) because that'll turn her right off. Just be calm, accepting, and try to be as charming/nice as possible so the other guy just doesn't have a chance next time.

What jew does: Pretend it didn't happen. Act all stand-off-ish, become a little quiet, almost rude. Start talking to other girls in her presence, making sure she notices. Pretend like you don't care, act like she's disposable. Ruin any chance you ever had with the girl.

Do as jew says, not as jew does!
 

PlaceofDis

macrumors Core
Jan 6, 2004
19,232
4
i understand the chemistry you two might share, ultimitely its up to you to decide what the relationship's value is to you

as others have suggested ask her, be blunt about it if you have to be, she certainly disrespected you though, and if things continue this is definitely strike one..... im sorry things aren't looking up, but it certainly wouldnt hurt to try talking to her now that i think about it.... you never know, maybe things are different from her point of view...

good luck either way, i hope you find happiness which is what we all deserve
 

mkrishnan

Moderator emeritus
Jan 9, 2004
29,641
12
Grand Rapids, MI, USA
clayj said:
So I'm concerned that this might have just been a one-time event, and I'd hate to dismiss her so quickly if that's the case.
Hmmm...I'm sorry to be so rash then. The other major option, it seems to me, is that you should consider sitting her down and talking to her about this. Tell her how it seemed to you and how it made you feel. Ask her what she thinks about this. And be open to whatever response she has? I dunno...I'm not sure I'd be able to do it, but ... it seems like if you get back together with her, and you don't really resolve this, it's going to be a poison pill. But if she's that important to you, it's worth it to find out what's going on with her.
 

Eevee

macrumors 6502a
Aug 10, 2004
791
0
New Haven, CT
Mad_Jew has a good point. Talking to her is probably the best. But usually, us guys would want some kind of revenge.

However, is she really worth the trouble? If yes, then talk to her.

Good luck...
 

DeSnousa

macrumors 68000
Jan 20, 2005
1,620
0
Brisbane, Australia
Im only 17 but i reckon you should approach her and ask that you felt rejected on the night and that you like her. Be totally open to her about your feelings for her and on that night.
 

scem0

macrumors 604
Jul 16, 2002
7,028
1
back in NYC!
Under any circumstance, I'd talk to her.

Explain what you saw, and how you feel about it, and then let her give her side of the story. Act accordingly. :)

Even if you don't think she is worth giving a second chance, it would be better to end the relationship with a period rather than a question mark.

scem0
 

sourcemonkey

macrumors regular
maybe i'm misreading the situation but from what you said without giving you an explanation she just wandered off with another guy. if she cared about how you felt she would realise that you might have been upset by her behaviour and sent you an email later to explain. if there is no excuse and no explanation coming from her she obviously thinks she hasn't done anything wrong by leaving you and going off with some other guy infront of you. no sane, good human being would think that...period. its clear from the posts above that people here are genuinely trying to help you make the best decision. we don't know her or your history together and its easy to mis-read the situation...for example, how do we know that she knows how you feel: if she is unaware that you like her so much then her not apologising would make sense. however, if its as you said then she is playing games with you - the character of what you have written suggests that you already know this is the case.
'one time event'? thats very, very rare. if she's doing that at the beginning of a relationship (the stage when both parties know they have to be on their best behaviour) then it will likely continue.
damn, i really hope there's a simple explanation for her behaviour.
(ok i'm not over my ex-girlfriend myself)
 

solvs

macrumors 603
Jun 25, 2002
5,693
1
LaLaLand, CA
I've been there. You can talk to her, but if she thinks it's no big deal, she'll do it again and not even think about it. No matter how much of a deal you try to make of it. Sometimes people will do thing like this, and not even realize what happens. If it's a one time thing, make it known that although you are not the jealous type, this was a pretty bad thing for her to do and you don't want to just drive her around so she can be with other guys. You suddenly become "the friend" before you even realize it, and by then it's too late.

If you don't nip it in the bud now, it will get worse. You will get more involved, and it will hurt more when the inevitable happens. I didn't listen to anybody when it happened to me, so I know you want to give her a second chance. Nothing wrong with that. Seconds can be ok sometimes. It's the thirds, and fourths, and etc. that are the killers. But it can get bad, and will.

Gotta admit though, it is quite a ride down. And I wouldn't have traded it for the world, even considering how it ended. But sometimes I have to wonder what would have happened if I put my foot down earlier. Either they respect the boundaries and your feelings (thus ensuring it doesn't happen again), or things just end before you really get hurt and you're better off in the long run. Just a bit of advice from someone who been there. Oh, but don't get too possessive or needy either. That's also not so good. But from what you've said, it sounds like your concerns are justifiable.
 

absolut_mac

macrumors 6502a
Oct 30, 2003
935
0
Dallas, Texas
clayj said:
See, that's the problem. It's easy enough for everyone to say "cut her loose" (and virtually everyone has), but the thing is I really like her a lot, and I haven't met anyone quite like her in a very long time.
Sorry about that.

Absolutely no question in my mind, do not contact her again.

If you contact her again you'll appear needy, and most women love to use needy men as fits their needs at the time.

The alcohol that she drank relaxed her, thereby dropping her guard, hence she revealed her true feelings to you - you were available and convenient at the time. She's already told you how she feels about you - actions speak a lot louder than words. Now it's up to you whether you want to listen or not.

Good luck.
 

Blue Velvet

Moderator emeritus
Jul 4, 2004
21,652
123
Cut her loose ASAP

She's messing with you.

Forget about her as quickly as possible.

Don't waste your time, effort and pride by attempting to talk to her. She's not worth it and she doesn't care about your feelings.

Don't torture or debase yourself by trying to explain how you feel... retain a little dignity and drop her before she humiliates you further.
 

Sun Baked

macrumors G5
May 19, 2002
14,874
57
At least nobody mentioned, grovel and get some makeup sex, then tell her you found somebody else on your way out the door and won't be seeing her again. :eek:

Which would probably be as mean to her as what she did to you.

So it's probably best not to bother going back.
 

Lacero

macrumors 604
Jan 20, 2005
6,639
2
Tell her how you feel, then dump her. She probably won't care but you'll feel good. I know it can be hard since you like her and all, but any man deserves respect from a woman. You gotta show her that.
 

mad jew

Moderator emeritus
Apr 3, 2004
32,194
6
Adelaide, Australia
Lacero said:
but any man deserves respect from a woman. You gotta show her that.

And slap her up some too?

Umm, just kidding BTW. Don't really hit her.

I reckon give her a second chance, since you like her. But don't take too much crap from her. It's not healthy, and it wont lead to happiness.