StarbucksSam
Dec 18, 2005, 12:44 PM
I wrote this. Enjoy:
Dear Santa,
Though I understand that Christmas is a religious holiday, I am still displeased that you have decided to exclude others from your gift-giving. As such, I have contacted my attorney and we will be serving you shortly with papers demanding that you include Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, and Atheist children in your holiday run this year. Pursuant to the City of Philadelphia Civil Code: Chapter 4, Section 5645, Subsection K, Clause 78, Part 4, "Discrimination of the basis of gender, race, religion, creed, or ethnicity is prohibited in all matters of public affair." As such, Non-Christian children in Philadelphia have filed a class action lawsuit and will be seeking damages of approximately 7.96 billion dollars from you.
I am further obligated to advise you that the SPCA and the ACLU have filed a joint motion to free all of your elves. The SPCA is concerned that the elves are being mistreated and believes that the elvish species should be classified as an "animal", therefore reaping the benefits of animal protection laws. The ACLU concurs with the SPCA but adds that slavery has been outlawed since 1863 in the United States. The District Attorney in the City of Philadelphia agrees and is currently investigating whether or not to pursue charges such as mistreating an animal, holding slaves, uncivil imprisonment of another, criminally negligent homicide (yes, we heard about what happened to Winky last year!), and other felonies.
Because I am not a fan of the way you ignored me as a child simply based on my religion, I have also notified the police in Washington, D.C. that your sleigh will be entering government airspace on the evening of December 24th. If you do indeed enter the air space near the White House, you can kiss Comet and Blitzen goodbye because they are going to be blown up along with your fat ass by missiles.
Santa, all of this can be stopped if you will meet this one simple demand: Bring me the presents you owe me from the last 16 Christmases that you have passed over my house. If these demands are not met, you will likely serve quite a bit of jail time, thereby preventing you from serving your chosen children on Christmas Eve for many years to come.
Sincerely,
Abrahaam Chemelwitz
Disgruntled Jewish American
Dear Santa,
Though I understand that Christmas is a religious holiday, I am still displeased that you have decided to exclude others from your gift-giving. As such, I have contacted my attorney and we will be serving you shortly with papers demanding that you include Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, and Atheist children in your holiday run this year. Pursuant to the City of Philadelphia Civil Code: Chapter 4, Section 5645, Subsection K, Clause 78, Part 4, "Discrimination of the basis of gender, race, religion, creed, or ethnicity is prohibited in all matters of public affair." As such, Non-Christian children in Philadelphia have filed a class action lawsuit and will be seeking damages of approximately 7.96 billion dollars from you.
I am further obligated to advise you that the SPCA and the ACLU have filed a joint motion to free all of your elves. The SPCA is concerned that the elves are being mistreated and believes that the elvish species should be classified as an "animal", therefore reaping the benefits of animal protection laws. The ACLU concurs with the SPCA but adds that slavery has been outlawed since 1863 in the United States. The District Attorney in the City of Philadelphia agrees and is currently investigating whether or not to pursue charges such as mistreating an animal, holding slaves, uncivil imprisonment of another, criminally negligent homicide (yes, we heard about what happened to Winky last year!), and other felonies.
Because I am not a fan of the way you ignored me as a child simply based on my religion, I have also notified the police in Washington, D.C. that your sleigh will be entering government airspace on the evening of December 24th. If you do indeed enter the air space near the White House, you can kiss Comet and Blitzen goodbye because they are going to be blown up along with your fat ass by missiles.
Santa, all of this can be stopped if you will meet this one simple demand: Bring me the presents you owe me from the last 16 Christmases that you have passed over my house. If these demands are not met, you will likely serve quite a bit of jail time, thereby preventing you from serving your chosen children on Christmas Eve for many years to come.
Sincerely,
Abrahaam Chemelwitz
Disgruntled Jewish American
