Some Advice Needed

[iMatt mini]

I know I haven't posted here in a while, I've been pretty busy. And I know a message board isn't the best place to look for advice, but hey, why not get some advice from people who may have gone through it already.
So, there's this girl I like. I met her towards the beginning of the year, doing the school play. We became good friends. More recently, I started liking her. However, I don't know if she likes me or not. The thing is, if she doesn't, I'd rather just get over it and be friends. But that's not likely to happen. Things would be awkward and she would probably want to avoid seeing me as much as possible. I'm friends with her close friends too. She's gone this week and I can't stop thinking about her. I'm going crazy with just sending her text messages.
I feel like a jerk because it was just her birthday and I didn't know what to get her, so I ended up getting her nothing. I did take her out to lunch though.
So, any advice on what to do? Should I remain just friends with her or should I express my feelings towards her and see how she reacts to it?

By the way, I'm 15, she's 17. I don't think it matters that much though.

 

[doucy2]

ive had a similar occurance

i say if she doesnt like u, u need to move on because the friendship will be akward (i no from experience)

if she does like you i say yay (older chicks are always better)

good luck either way
if you need ne help feel free to holler at me

 

[eva01]

so many posts her about help with relationships. Just do what you think is right. That is all i have ever done.

 

[doucy2]

wow i just noticed u became a mac user on my 16th birthday
congrats

 

[iMatt mini]

Haha, thanks. I can't tell if she likes me or not. We're both shy people but during the show, one night she kissed me on the cheek, but then said "Sorry, I'm just really tired." And then another night she was resting her head on my shoulder. And she always comes up to me in the hallways and stands by me when I'm at my locker. I just don't know if she was tired and is being friendly or if she likes me. :-/
That's one of the worst feelings, liking someone and not knowing if they like you or not.

 

[doucy2]

sounds like she likes you some

but u never know for sure some girls are flirts like that

(the girl that come and stands with me at my locker, i know she likes me, so it a good sign for you)

 

[CanadaRAM]

Well you (and she) will never know unless someone says something.

You don't want to spill your attraction and desire for a relationship to her all at once (most young people can't handle an emotional tidal wave and will simply run away).

What you do want to communicate is that you would like to spend more time with her socially. Ask her what kinds of activities she likes to do, and suggest you try some of those activities together (but apart from your other friends).

That way she can agree to share some time and get to know you better, without having to commit to being 'girlfriend' right away. Also, you are asking a low-risk thing, so there is no reason to feel like you'll be shunned if it turns out she doesn't want to.

 

[CanadaRAM]

Haha, thanks. I can't tell if she likes me or not. We're both shy people but during the show, one night she kissed me on the cheek, but then said "Sorry, I'm just really tired." And then another night she was resting her head on my shoulder. And she always comes up to me in the hallways and stands by me when I'm at my locker. I just don't know if she was tired and is being friendly or if she likes me. :-/
That's one of the worst feelings, liking someone and not knowing if they like you or not.

Hmm.. Evidence points to she likes being with you. That's fairly clear. (and no wonder, because you are a good guy, considerate and easy to be with. Excellent start)

Saying "Sorry I'm just tired" is her own shyness/defense against whether YOU would be offended at that little kiss.

So don't assume that the next almost-casual kiss is an invitation to set up housekeeping and have children together, but you can assume that she has enough interest in you that you should continue the relationship.

What I didn't learn until -- well, way too late anyway -- is that people are really interesting. Male - Female - ignore the mating stuff, I wish I had spent much more time just talking to other people and being interested in them and their story (instead of my attempting to be -- well whatever I thought at the time I should be posing as)

Nothing is as flattering to someone as for you to be sincerely interested in THEM -- you want to know the way to someone's heart, just ask them, they'll tell you!

Oh - and this has to be done face to face. Not texting... waaay to easy to pretend to be personal on a keyboard. Do this over coffee, walking in the park, wherever you have private time without expectations.

 

[iMatt mini]

Well, the texting thing is just talking about things, not feelings or anything. I think it's too impersonal to send a text message or something like that about my feelings for her. But she's been away since saturday and doesn't return until this saturday, it's been the longest week ever. I just can't stop thinking about her. I was planning on talking to her about how I feel about her when we went out to lunch for her birthday, but then our friend was there also and it just seemed wrong. When that person wasn't there though, she was always standing next to me and stuff like that.
The thing is, I just don't want to lose her and her close friends as friends.
It's a lot harder with friends than it is with someone you don't know. No risk involved. And we're in a lot of activities together, so I wouldn't want anything to get awkward.

 

[CubaTBird]

she likes you if................

she looks you straight in the eye all the time and always focuses her attention on you when you say something..

the playful touching thing, some may say this is flirting, but hey if she's flirting with you, 50% of the job is done

returns your calls (big one).. if she says she'll get back to you and never does, get over it... there's nothing there... now if she does get back to you like she said she would in a situation, but things don't work out.. well than at least she got back to you, so it was just bad timing..


and another thing.. do you know if she's single? or seeing other dudes? mess around with your intuition a bit.. it helps

 

[macartistkel]

What I didn't learn until -- well, way too late anyway -- is that people are really interesting. Male - Female - ignore the mating stuff, I wish I had spent much more time just talking to other people and being interested in them and their story (instead of my attempting to be -- well whatever I thought at the time I should be posing as)

Nothing is as flattering to someone as for you to be sincerely interested in THEM -- you want to know the way to someone's heart, just ask them, they'll tell you!

Hey CanadaRam, I liked what you said...that was cool. And I am starting to figure out that is very true as well!!

 

[iMatt mini]

she likes you if................

she looks you straight in the eye all the time and always focuses her attention on you when you say something..

the playful touching thing, some may say this is flirting, but hey if she's flirting with you, 50% of the job is done

returns your calls (big one).. if she says she'll get back to you and never does, get over it... there's nothing there... now if she does get back to you like she said she would in a situation, but things don't work out.. well than at least she got back to you, so it was just bad timing..


and another thing.. do you know if she's single? or seeing other dudes? mess around with your intuition a bit.. it helps

I'm 99% she's single. She's talked about ex's but no current boyfriend.

 

[CubaTBird]

I'm 99% she's single. She's talked about ex's but no current boyfriend.

hmm, alright.. how long have you two been "friends".. if its only been a week or two, i say let things play out. don't be too quick to jump the gun, or else you risk blowing it.. and in my experience the "lets just be friends" thing basically means your not seeing her again after you told her how you felt about her..

if you must, do it in a quiet place.. away from distractions and what not. and try to calm her down if she seems to be uptight at the moment.

 

[CanadaRAM]

Well, the texting thing is just talking about things, not feelings or anything. I think it's too impersonal to send a text message or something like that about my feelings for her. But she's been away since saturday and doesn't return until this saturday, it's been the longest week ever. I just can't stop thinking about her. I was planning on talking to her about how I feel about her when we went out to lunch for her birthday, but then our friend was there also and it just seemed wrong. When that person wasn't there though, she was always standing next to me and stuff like that.
The thing is, I just don't want to lose her and her close friends as friends.
It's a lot harder with friends than it is with someone you don't know. No risk involved. And we're in a lot of activities together, so I wouldn't want anything to get awkward.

This isn't a high stakes win-it-all- or lose-it-all thing.

Try to get over the idea that you have to have THE TALK with her about how you cherish the ground she walks on. Don't do it. Remember you have had a week to brood on this and build it up into a big thing in your mind. Whereas she has spent the week -- doing whatever she spent the week doing. Let the big idea go, relax.

(I've been there - exactly - girl away on vacation, returns, first evening BIG I LOVE YOU WILL YOU BE MINE scene, girl scared of, I'm out in the cold. Done it. Show you the scars still... That way does NOT work. Save that bended knee scene for after you have been going steady a year, believe me.)

The only way you'll lose her friendship (much less that of the other friends in your circle - what's that about, anyway?) is if you make this into an ultimatum, do somthing really obnoxious, or scare her with your intensity.

Make a low pressure date with her. Don't dump the big "I<3U" on her. Please - please - let your expectations go. Don't ask her for a committment, or put her on the spot by declaring.

Just go with the flow and see how it goes. Listen to her. Smile at her. Enjoy her company. She'll get the idea WITHOUT you having to make a speech about how much you love her. Just let her know you really enjoy her company and would like to spend more time with her (especially doing something that she wants/chooses to do).

What could happen?
She could say she wants to spend more time with you. Very Fine.
She could say she doesn't want to spend more time with you specially, but wants you as a friend. Less likely, I think, but also Fine.
She may say she has an established boyfriend you didn't know about. Unlikely, but also Fine (leaving unanswered the bit about the flirting, but OK).

She's NOT going to say "never see me again" just cause you asked to spend some time together, and she's NOT going to organize a boycott of you with all your mutual friends. Aint going to happen.

Just ease on down off of your mountain of unrequited passion and relax. It's going to be fine. The less you expect, the more you will gain.

 

[iMatt mini]

Thanks for all your help and advice CanadaRAM. I'll definately take it all into consideration.