Meeting marriable women

[MarkCollette]

I've been messing around with girls for the past couple years, one night stands, or seeing someone for a couple weeks or months. But, I'm kindof getting tired of that. I'd like to meet a nice woman. Someone who I could get to know and love, and one day marry. I was madly in love with a girl for years, and we thought we'd get married, and then it fell apart, and I think I've been in a holding pattern ever since. I just had my 26th birthday, and I think it's time to move on. I'm a really caring guy, and love children, so maybe my biological clock is kicking in too

So, the question is, where does one go to meet the good girls?

I'm not religious, so it won't be at church, and I write computer software for a living, so it won't be at work. Maybe I should go back to Latin dancing, or some other hobby like that. Or is it simpler than that? Should I just chat up every pretty girl with a warm smile in the grocery store?

I'm more looking for advice from married people, or people who've been in longterm relationships, or nice women, about what they recommend.

[thedude110]

Sarcastic help.

No. Seriously. I'm getting married in July, and I'm freaking out.

What's wrong with you?

EDIT: The woman just read this over my shoulder. See?

What's wrong with you?

[CanadaRAM]

Originally Posted by MarkCollette

I've been messing around with girls for the past couple years, one night stands, or seeing someone for a couple weeks or months. But, I'm kindof getting tired of that. I'd like to meet a nice woman. Someone who I could get to know and love, and one day marry. I was madly in love with a girl for years, and we thought we'd get married, and then it fell apart, and I think I've been in a holding pattern ever since. I just had my 26th birthday, and I think it's time to move on. I'm a really caring guy, and love children, so maybe my biological clock is kicking in too

So, the question is, where does one go to meet the good girls?

I'm not religious, so it won't be at church, and I write computer software for a living, so it won't be at work. Maybe I should go back to Latin dancing, or some other hobby like that. Or is it simpler than that? Should I just chat up every pretty girl with a warm smile in the grocery store?

I'm more looking for advice from married people, or people who've been in longterm relationships, or nice women, about what they recommend.

Single guy + latin or ballroom dancing = unlimited opportunity to meet unattached ladies who share a common interest. There isn't a woman in the world, I bet, who doesn't appreciate a guy who can couple dance. It's how I met my wife, as it happens (19 years ago this month!). We met socially and agreed to do some dancing together once we discovered the common interest.

Suggest you re-orient your criteria from "every pretty girl" to "compatible interests and personality" - the screening process will have to be something other than "nice hair, nice... you know". Your previous success with serial dating discounted long-term suitability and compatibility of grey matter (as opposed to other, immediately compatible, parts)

Here's a tougher one though. How do you know who is going to be compatible with your life goals and core philosophy... if you aren't clear on what those are for yourself?

Perhaps the first step is to get in touch and clarify for yourself who you are and what you want from life. Then you'll have a much better understanding what you want from a life partner *and so will the prospective partners* --- (Mark, PM me for more info offline if you wish).

Remember the Joe Jackson song: "You can't get what you want... 'til you know what you want."

[iSaint]

When you quit thinking about it, it'll happen. I was the least experienced guy with the babes and was so worried about meeting the right girl...until I was 22. Then a foxy redhead and my wife went after me. The foxy redhead was using me, and I was more interested in my wife anyway.

[haiggy]

Originally Posted by iSaint

When you quit thinking about it, it'll happen. I was the least experienced guy with the babes and was so worried about meeting the right girl...until I was 22. Then a foxy redhead and my wife went after me. The foxy redhead was using me, and I was more interested in my wife anyway.

foxy + redhead = oxymoron :P

[CanadaRAM]

Originally Posted by haiggy

foxy + redhead = oxymoron :P

image x eye/beholder = beauty

[frankblundt]

Originally Posted by haiggy

foxy + redhead = oxymoron :P

not true. there's one here. Fiery too apparently.

[MarkCollette]

Originally Posted by CanadaRAM

Single guy + latin or ballroom dancing = unlimited opportunity to meet unattached ladies who share a common interest. There isn't a woman in the world, I bet, who doesn't appreciate a guy who can couple dance. It's how I met my wife, as it happens (19 years ago this month!). We met socially and agreed to do some dancing together once we discovered the common interest.

Happy Anniversary-ish

I guess I've been avoiding this, at first because it's what I did with my ex, and then later because I was rusty. Maybe I should just go back into a more beginner level, but at least be going.

Originally Posted by CanadaRAM

Suggest you re-orient your criteria from "every pretty girl" to "compatible interests and personality" - the screening process will have to be something other than "nice hair, nice... you know". Your previous success with serial dating discounted long-term suitability and compatibility of grey matter (as opposed to other, immediately compatible, parts)

Here's a tougher one though. How do you know who is going to be compatible with your life goals and core philosophy... if you aren't clear on what those are for yourself?

Perhaps the first step is to get in touch and clarify for yourself who you are and what you want from life. Then you'll have a much better understanding what you want from a life partner *and so will the prospective partners* --- (Mark, PM me for more info offline if you wish).

Remember the Joe Jackson song: "You can't get what you want... 'til you know what you want."

Hehehe, yes, I should have elaborated on the values and personality side of things more. No worries, I do care about that, it's just that I've developped a sort of heuristic. This is going to sound silly, but when I look at a woman, and see a kind of warm smile, then I think she probably has compassion, strength, humor, intelligence, and realism. Of course, there's probably a huge number of good women that I don't notice because they're just not in a smiling mood when I spot them...

So far I've been mostly into women who are either scientists of artists. In both cases they explore the world around them, but one uses a more rational approach, and the other a more intuitive approach. I guess I'd prefer a mix of the two. I'd like a woman to share traits with me, like being a little idealistic, but with some pragmatism. Taking care of our bodies and health, but not being too self-absorbed. Believing in freedom, but taking personal responsibility. Tolerance for differences of opinion, and flexible enough to change opinion in the face of conflicting facts. Strength, and a willingness to stand up for what we believe, but essentially a moderate in most respects.

I have a kind of dorky humor, which can quickly become quite politically incorrect. My friends like it, but it can have a bit of shock value. I like music, dancing, reading, keeping up on current events and history. I guess I'm kindof political, but I wouldn't expect someone else to be all that into it, or to agree on everything. Although I'm not religious, I wouldn't mind my kids being raised that way, since I saw some value in how I was raised. I believe in marriage for life, making it work through the good and bad times, not just crawling forward, but really trying to make the other person happy, knowing that the same matters to them.

Lately I've been doing things like going to Yoga, and spending time with more naturalist vegetarian hippie environmentalist spiritual people. I guess that's a bit in contrast with the more typical conservative people that I've historically spent time with. Although, since you and I are Canadian, maybe I can just describe it as seeing more people from BC, as opposed to Albertans.

Maybe it's that I'm so complex and open, that it's hard to describe who I am and what I'm looking for. Or maybe it's simple, because I'm looking for what I think is a self-evidently good woman. And I've spent years of my life trying to improve myself so that they might want me as well.

It's just that somehow I got blown off course by fallen love, and for a while truly did not believe that I could find someone so good. And now I'm thinking that they must be somewhere out there, just around the corner, maybe wondering the same thing I am, where have all the good single people gone? Or, alternatively, who do I have to kill, to make someone single

[floriflee]

I have been married for about 10 months. I won't claim to be an expert by any means, but I'll tell you a little of my story. First, I met the hubby through a close friend who knew me, and who had an idea of what he was like. I've had others try that before (the aunts always had someone they wanted me to meet), but this friend really knew me so I think she had an inside track. In any case, meeting people through good friends can happen and work.

One thing to note is that relationships, no matter who is involved, can always go sour if both parties don't work at them. I don't believe in a perfect soul mate or "the one." However, there are plenty of people out there that have potential. Some will be easier than others, but many of them will work well if you are both willing. I hope you can find someone who will make you want to keep working at it through the thick and the thin and likewise that she will want to do it for you, too.

Good luck!

[MarkCollette]

Originally Posted by iSaint

When you quit thinking about it, it'll happen. I was the least experienced guy with the babes and was so worried about meeting the right girl...until I was 22. Then a foxy redhead and my wife went after me. The foxy redhead was using me, and I was more interested in my wife anyway.

Err, but if I stop thinking about it, then I'll just either stay home, or only go out on the prowl, and basically be where I am now. I'm not lonely, but I'm not happy.

And I do get attention from women, but not from anyone that I would describe as the type I'd want to have kids with. I don't really know where they are, is the problem.

Also, I have noticed that when I've taken steps to improve my situation, it's generally worked. I worked out a lot, and now prettier girls like me. I reduced my time in dance clubs and bars, and went to more mature events, and I met better quality women. I started dressing up a bit more, and met more mature women. It's a blend of self improvement, showing off the more marketable facets of myself, and being at the right places. It's just that the places I go are good for finding a girlfriend, but not so much a wife.

Maybe part of the problem is that I'm into some alternative stuff, and maybe I should be in a more mainstream locale. Or in a niche where good marriable women are

[jsw]

Originally Posted by floriflee

I hope you can find someone who will make you want to keep working at it through the thick and the thin and likewise that she will want to do it for you, too.

That is the key. Compatibility is less important than the mutual desire for the relationship to work. If you're both "perfect" for each other but don't care about fixing problems, it won't work. If you're complete opposites but just want to be with each other so much that it doesn't matter, you'll probably be just fine. The way you resolve disagreements is a far better determiner of how you'll do than the number of disagreements you have.

How to find the right one? Geez, man, if we knew a bulletproof way of doing that, we would've written a bestseller and retired to an island somewhere instead of posting here. But, in general, I agree with those above. The best way to find the woman for you is to go places that the type of woman you're interested in would be. Museums, Apple Stores, bars, dance studios, S&M boutiques... it all depends on what you're looking for. But the more time you spend in places your ideal woman wouldn't be, the less chance you have of finding her.

Originally Posted by MarkCollette

It's just that the places I go are good for finding a girlfriend, but not so much a wife.

Baby steps, man - baby steps. You do need to date them first (at least the quality ones).

[barneygumble]

dude you sound like a slut

You're approach seems to be working, one day it will

[MarkCollette]

Originally Posted by floriflee

I have been married for about 10 months. I won't claim to be an expert by any means, but I'll tell you a little of my story. First, I met the hubby through a close friend who knew me, and who had an idea of what he was like. I've had others try that before (the aunts always had someone they wanted me to meet), but this friend really knew me so I think she had an inside track. In any case, meeting people through good friends can happen and work.

Good luck!

Thanks. It's like, any guy friend would just want that kind of woman for himself, so maybe I should be putting in more time with girl friends. But a bunch of them got into serious relationships, and I think they all went on vacation to the Bermuda triangle or something. Hell, the search and rescue people never came back either...

But yeah, I'll make more efforts in spending time with the ones who missed the boats and are stuck on Single Island, here with me

[CanadaRAM]

Originally Posted by MarkCollette

Happy Anniversary-ish

Thanks!

Of course, there's probably a huge number of good women that I don't notice because they're just not in a smiling mood when I spot them...

Oooh nooo. THAT'S not the problem.

It's your mood, your confidence (or attitude, if you like), your mindset, or your 'aura' that keeps you from seeing them, and keeps them from approaching you in a receptive manner.

You'll attract exactly the attention that you are projecting to the world that you are looking for. Have you ever heard of muggers targeting people who 'look like' victims and avoid people who look confident? It's the same thing. Your demeanor reflects your state of mind and intentions (concious or unconcious), and while guys are generally clumsy at decoding body language, I can guarantee women are making the decision whether to smile at you or avoid you based on your unconcious body language. (and it's not about learning to fake it -- that fools people for only very short periods. see below.)

Conversely, have you ever had the experience of buying a new car, and all of a sudden you're seeng the same model car all over town, when you hadn't really noticed them before? Your sight is filtered by your own expectations. Probably 10 good women smiled at you today that you never saw -- or saw but never registered.

So what I'm getting back to is; Know yourself, recognize your motivations, desires and values, your strengths and weaknesses, and be honest. There are a number of ways to help get to that point; courses, counsellors, groups, (not so much reading it from books though. This isn't really something you can intellectualize on your own)

As soon as you are clear with yourself and are confident you know who you are and what you want your life to be, you'll find that the women you need to meet will be plentiful, and they will be approaching you.

This was my experience, at age 26, following a desperately unsuccessful ten years of dating. In my case, I took a personal development course, and within 2 weeks had met my wife-to-be.

[macartistkel]

I agree with the approach of NOT worrying about "finding someone" and then it will probably happen when you least expect it. Everytime I was searching for a guy, well I of course I found one but I would never fall in love them. When I wasn't looking for a man, well of course I still would easily find one but it always happened when all I wanted to do was be single (if that makes any sense)! Ok either way I find cool guys BUT its finding the one that you fall in love with that will matter and it WILL NOT HAPPEN if you expect it to.

Oh well, just my opinion! Anyway, do you have ANY other interests?? I work with a guy (30, single and after many HORRIBLE, but very entertaining dating experiences gave up on finding someone) Well he is still single currently BUT he joined this fossil club thingy and he really enjoys going and digging up little skeletons of turtles, snakes, etc. He DID NOT join this club to meet chicks (although the class is full of hot women) and now he has one following him around. But he still insists he is there because it interests him! Either way, I would take the opportunity to focus on all the things YOU like to do and MAYBE you just might meet someone--just never plan on it!

[MarkCollette]

Originally Posted by jsw

That is the key. Compatibility is less important than the mutual desire for the relationship to work. If you're both "perfect" for each other but don't care about fixing problems, it won't work. If you're complete opposites but just want to be with each other so much that it doesn't matter, you'll probably be just fine. The way you resolve disagreements is a far better determiner of how you'll do than the number of disagreements you have.

I rarely ever get in fights. In relationships, I always try to work things out to everyone's satisfaction, so I think I'm good to go here.

Originally Posted by jsw

How to find the right one? Geez, man, if we knew a bulletproof way of doing that, we would've written a bestseller and retired to an island somewhere instead of posting here. But, in general, I agree with those above. The best way to find the woman for you is to go places that the type of woman you're interested in would be. Museums, Apple Stores, bars, dance studios, S&M boutiques... it all depends on what you're looking for. But the more time you spend in places your ideal woman wouldn't be, the less chance you have of finding her.

Yeah, I guess I fill up my time, to not feel alone, with some stuff that's not really conducive to meeting people. And I really need to cut them out, but that's not going to really happen unless I'm replacing it with something else.

There's got to be some places, that are conducive to meeting, to go to. I mean, I see nice looking young women at the mall, on the sidewalk, and in book stores, but there doesn't seem to be a pretense to greet them. Last week I went to a gallery, and both a girl and a guy tried to pick me up, but I'm not into guys, and the girl wasn't this "nice" thing I'm looking for. At least at dance clubs it's pretty straightforward, I don't need a pretense because we're all obviously scoping out hotties.

Maybe I need to align my hobbies better, but I'm wondering what hobbies women have? I haven't had television in years, so I don't really know what's popular. I like making things, hence the programming, but also my playing guitar, and making wine. But, those aren't really social things.

Originally Posted by jsw

Baby steps, man - baby steps. You do need to date them first (at least the quality ones).

Hehehe, yeah, I'm not walking up to people and saying "Hi, I'm Mark, would you like to marry me?" I'm saying that there are nice people, whom one could be friends with, or maybe more, but you can tell pretty quickly that you won't want to spend the rest of your life with them.

And it's been real nice with some of them. I've really cared for some, and some are still friends. But, no real long-term prospects from the get-go.

[macartistkel]

Oh yes, one more thing that is kind of funny to me! I have loved two guys in my life. The first one I met while shopping for shoes and I thought I would never see him again cause I was just in for a couple of days on break from college---2 days later I am at a party and he walks in---I told everyone "that is the shoe salesmen I have been talking about for days"! What was the chances of that??

The other one (who I still love to this day) I met in the boys bathroom (long story but the girls line was too long at this bar so I went in the boys bathroom and ran smack into this guy on my way out)!!

Both of these instances were NOT PLANNED at all. And neither one of these guys I would have ever thought that I would FALL CRAZY IN LOVE with in the beginning....NEVER!!! Like if someone had told me in both cases I would have fallen in love, I would have never believed them BUT that is how it usually works! Things are so RANDOM!!!

[rockthecasbah]

Library? Girls that can read are always a plus

Like someone previously said, don't think about it so much. That's not to say don't think about it entirely, but try not to dwell upon it. When the time and person are right, it'll be right, don't go looking for just someone to marry.

[jsw]

Originally Posted by MarkCollette

I rarely ever get in fights. In relationships, I always try to work things out to everyone's satisfaction, so I think I'm good to go here.

I really meant disagreements, and not fights. In a marriage - which I'll assume you at least intend to last "forever" - you will have at least some very strong disagreements, and at least some of the times you'll not be able to work everything out so everyone is satisfied. Some times, you will have to give up what you really, really want, and sometimes she will. Ideally, you can always find a perfect compromise, but, in reality, in a long-term marriage, when it comes to things like buying houses, moving, having kids, raising kids, investing money, making large purchases, etc.... you'll have disagreements. It's best to be sure you can handle them when they hit.

if you find the right person, you'll be fine - but I just didn't want you to expect a perfectly agreeable relationship which lasts forever. Sometimes people fight - or at least disagree. Find someone you can disagree with but love enough that the disagreement, ultimately, doesn't matter enough to be upset when you lose.

If you rarely fight, that's great! But nobody - nobody - goes 50 years without at least a few brawls (and I don't mean physical ones).

[MarkCollette]

Originally Posted by macartistkel

I agree with the approach of NOT worrying about "finding someone" and then it will probably happen when you least expect it. Everytime I was searching for a guy, well I of course I found one but I would never fall in love them. When I wasn't looking for a man, well of course I still would easily find one but it always happened when all I wanted to do was be single (if that makes any sense)! Ok either way I find cool guys BUT its finding the one that you fall in love with that will matter and it WILL NOT HAPPEN if you expect it to.

But does this apply to men? Women generally don't have to do anything, and men will go up to them. And maybe guys would find it a turnoff to see you pursuing other men, whereas if it looks like you're not looking, then that makes you look more available. *chuckle* One could go mad trying to figure this out.

Originally Posted by macartistkel

Oh well, just my opinion! Anyway, do you have ANY other interests?? I work with a guy (30, single and after many HORRIBLE, but very entertaining dating experiences gave up on finding someone) Well he is still single currently BUT he joined this fossil club thingy and he really enjoys going and digging up little skeletons of turtles, snakes, etc. He DID NOT join this club to meet chicks (although the class is full of hot women) and now he has one following him around. But he still insists he is there because it interests him! Either way, I would take the opportunity to focus on all the things YOU like to do and MAYBE you just might meet someone--just never plan on it!

Well, I go to the gym several days a week. There's some promising women there, but I think I should go earlier in the day. I'm helping an immigrant friend with English. Sometimes I wish I could have a job teaching, because I really like helping people, and going on that journey of exploration. I like going dancing, listenning to music, reading, watching movies, making wine, and am trying to learn to play the guitar but I still suck at it. Really, I'm open to anything constructive.

[floriflee]

Yes, I agree with the others that it will most likely happen when you least expect....

Don't look to find someone to marry. While that may be the main objective, you don't want that piece to cloud your vision of finding a good friend first. The now hubby and I were very much friends at first before becoming an item. It's funny because whenever anyone asked us when we started dating neither of us could really pinpoint a time when it went from friends to becoming a full-fledged intimate couple. I married the man I did because he became my best friend whom I fell in love with. I think that's the best way to do it.

[macartistkel]

but you can tell pretty quickly that you won't want to spend the rest of your life with them.

And it's been real nice with some of them. I've really cared for some, and some are still friends. But, no real long-term prospects from the get-go.

Yeah, thats what I kept saying, and then one day out of the blue (and just a week before I thought I wanted to break up because he was getting on my nerves so bad and I thought the relationship wasn't going anywhere), I look at him across the table and I just "get it". And what I mean by that is I finally SEE how much I really care for this person and it scared me that I could love someone so much--more than myself! It scared me because all of a sudden I realized how worried I am about anything bad ever happening to them and also worried about the possibility of becoming heartbroken if I lost them(which has happened as well). That is how I was hit with the feeling of love--TWICE. It is not something that can really be predicted or forced in my opinion. It happens when it happens and there is NO stopping it--even when you thought you didn't care!

[floriflee]

Originally Posted by jsw

If you rarely fight, that's great! But nobody - nobody - goes 50 years without at least a few brawls (and I don't mean physical ones).

I'll second that. For years I thought the parents never fought until I found out in my much more mature years that they just fought behind closed doors rather than in front of the kids.

In my 10 months of marriage and during the pre-marital relationship, the hubby and I have had plenty of disagreements over both silly things and not-so-silly things. That's just what happens when you come from different backgrounds and have different views on different issues. The disagreements and perhaps the occasional bigger arguments will arise. You just have to learn to listen (and I stress the listen part--we've had a couple of miscommunications that all stemmed from one or both of us not really listening to what the other was trying to say), potentially compromise (as hard as that may be), and then move on. That's a very easy thing to do on paper, but could take a lifetime to really master.

[MarkCollette]

Originally Posted by jsw

I really meant disagreements, and not fights. In a marriage - which I'll assume you at least intend to last "forever" - you will have at least some very strong disagreements, and at least some of the times you'll not be able to work everything out so everyone is satisfied. Some times, you will have to give up what you really, really want, and sometimes she will. Ideally, you can always find a perfect compromise, but, in reality, in a long-term marriage, when it comes to things like buying houses, moving, having kids, raising kids, investing money, making large purchases, etc.... you'll have disagreements. It's best to be sure you can handle them when they hit.

if you find the right person, you'll be fine - but I just didn't want you to expect a perfectly agreeable relationship which lasts forever. Sometimes people fight - or at least disagree. Find someone you can disagree with but love enough that the disagreement, ultimately, doesn't matter enough to be upset when you lose.

If you rarely fight, that's great! But nobody - nobody - goes 50 years without at least a few brawls (and I don't mean physical ones).

Don't worry, no illusions here. My parents divorced a couple times, and showed me what not to do, and then a subsequent marriage worked, because of a lot of hard work. Also, I've been blessed with friends and siblings where I've seen compromise work through tough stuff. And I've had a bunch of relationships, including a small number of serious ones, where my "problem solving" approach seems to have worked.

And then, with my ex, we weathered the breakup reasonably ok, because we worked hard to take of each other properly in the split. And then we somehow managed not to kill each other or ourselves when it all sunk in.

[macartistkel]

Originally Posted by MarkCollette

But does this apply to men? Women generally don't have to do anything, and men will go up to them. And maybe guys would find it a turnoff to see you pursuing other men, whereas if it looks like you're not looking, then that makes you look more available. *chuckle* One could go mad trying to figure this out.

I agree! I have a friend that has been burned by one guy after another AND she still keeps pursuing them week after week! So who really knows??!!

Well, I go to the gym several days a week. There's some promising women there, but I think I should go earlier in the day. I'm helping an immigrant friend with English. Sometimes I wish I could have a job teaching, because I really like helping people, and going on that journey of exploration. I like going dancing, listenning to music, reading, watching movies, making wine, and am trying to learn to play the guitar but I still suck at it. Really, I'm open to anything constructive.

Well your only 26 (thats a good age to start being able to visualize how you want your life to be). You sound intelligient, fun, and your cute if that is your actual profile pic! I just cannot predict the future so I don't know when or where you will meet the one you fall in love with, but I have hope (as for everyone who feels the same way) that it will happen someday!!