Apple Stores to be rebranded as “Church of Apple”

[rdowns]

Awesome. I can't wait until they do the 8 stores near here. Leave it to Apple to reinvent retailing, again.

Cupertino, CA — If you’ve been following Apple religiously, your spirit is about to soar.

On May 1st, 2011, all 300+ Apple Stores will officially be closed. On May 2nd, they will reopen as something completely different: The Church of Apple.

“It’s a natural evolution,” explains acting CEO Tim Cook. “We’ve given our customers a place to shop. What they really want is a place to worship.”

As part of the relaunch, some of the Apple Store’s familiar features will be reborn.

Ailing products will no longer be repaired at the Genius Bar. Instead, they’ll be healed at the Miracle Bar, where Apple Angels (formerly Geniuses) will offer personal care — as well as end-of-life counseling — for all Apple computers and devices.

Apple Theaters in the bigger Apple Stores will be redesigned as Apple Chapels, with pews replacing individual seating. Worshippers will be able to sacredly scroll along with the sermon on iPads featuring Apple’s newest app, The iBook of Jobs.

Cupertino-trained clergy will perform services hourly beginning at 10:00 am each day.

Going into direct competition with the Catholic Church, every Church of Apple will employ an Apple-certified Exorcist. For a one-time fee of $99, customers possessed by the demons of PCs or Android phones may have their evil spirits cast out.

Confessional booths at the rear of the Church will allow the faithful to gain absolution for a range of sins. (“Forgive me, father, for I have jail-broken my iPhone.”) However, Apple warns that repeat offenders will be subject to excommunication.

Customers feeling that they did not contribute enough during their visit to the Church of Apple may make use of the offering plate as they exit.

Linky

 

[eawmp1]

Great, organized religion has turned me off to god. I guess I am going to stop beliving in my Mac Pro also.

 

[Silencio]

Gee, I don't think I've heard variations on this joke about a million times already.

 

[Watabou]

Gee, I don't think I've heard variations on this joke about a million times already.

Agreed. It wasn't really funny the first time, it certainly isn't funny now.

 

[Bonch]

It's all fun and games until someone goes to hell.

 

[Abstract]

It's all fun and games until someone goes to hDell.

Hi.

 

[482214]

Get over this already... Just plain pathetic now

 

[Counterfit]

11 days early.

 

[gkarris]

I actually went there.

They started serving Kool-Aid, so I left....

 

[KeriJane]

Wow!

It's April already?

Have Fun,
Keri

 

[electronique]

This is actually a true story.

 

[Sydde]

This is actually a true story.

You mean it is truly a story?

Clearly, what Apple is aiming for is to be declared a religion in order to avoid taxes. After all, "Unix" spelled backwards looks and sounds like the name of the evil galactic overlord from one particular religion.

 

[Silencio]

You mean it is truly a story?

Clearly, what Apple is aiming for is to be declared a religion in order to avoid taxes. After all, "Unix" spelled backwards looks and sounds like the name of the evil galactic overlord from one particular religion.

Okay, now that's truly funny.

 

[Alaerian]

This is so stupid it's practically offensive.

 

[roadbloc]

This is so stupid it's practically offensive.

Oh get off your high horse and remove that spike from your arse. It's a bit of fun. There is no obligation to comment, if you don't like it, just ignore it. "Pratically offensive"... what pretentious rubbish.

Well, I found the article amusing, even if the topic has been churned over plenty of times.

 

[Alaerian]

Removing my comment, as you do a fine job looking like an "arse" without my help.

 

[skottichan]

Unno, I thought it kinda funny. Made me wonder what my habit would look like (because I'd so be an Apple Nun).

 

[-aggie-]

The Libya story was a good one, as well.

 

[ender land]

Hi.

ok, I laughed