Apple releases nothing, under siege
CUPERTINO, April 1 (AP) Today, after much fanfare and weeks of rumbling from the Mac Rumor community, Apple, Inc. (NasdaqGS: AAPL) released nothing. No 8-Core MacPro. No Powerbook G5. iPhone is still locked in a bunker someplace. Despite the iMac's and MacMini's long overdue refresh cycle, they remain the same dull products of yesterday.
Apple software has met the same fate. Absolutely nothing has changed.
MacRumors has received reports of widespread hysteria and some suicide attempts by distraught Tiger users unable to retrieve an accidentally deleted file while imagining they are flying the Starship Enterprise into a galactic nucleus.
As of late numerous Mac fans have been camping out on the outskirts of cupertino. Many have set up telescopes in an attempt to spot a new product as it passes a window. Apple, of course, had responded by affixing steel panels over all windows in the building and placing all of it's employees on Lockdown status, forcing them to remain on site until further notice. "I miss my daddy," says six-year-old Timmy, son of an Apple design engineer currently on lockdown. "We haven't heard from her in over two weeks...she missed [her mother's] funeral." says a family member of another Apple employee who wishes to remain anonymous.
Some enterprising Mac fans and family members of employees have joined forces in an attempt to use high tech listening devices and other gear to get a glimpse at the inner working's of apple and locate lost family members. All who attempted this were reportedly manhandled into the backs of large, unmarked vans by what appeared to be Apple Security staff. Attempts to locate these vans or their occupants have so far been without result.
As the exodus of Mac fans to Cupertino grows, the National guard has been mobilized to end the standoff between Mac users and their beloved company. Apple responded by jamming all radio transmissions and broadcasting one overriding radio and TV channel to all devices in the greater Cupertino area: looping iPod and Mac ads, with a prerecorded message from Apple CEO Steve Jobs playing on the hour.
"It's pretty amazing," says National Guard Cpl. Eric Hayes, "This morning we had over 80,000 people camping out in the streets. Goes to show you the kind of devotion and fanaticism that Apple products demand from their users."
Weather the siege will end peacefully with the release of a new product or violently, with a mass riot among Apple fans, no one is certain. One can only hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
