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First Date Help!

Shaun.P

Shaun.P

macrumors 68000
Original poster
Jul 14, 2003
1,601
24
Omicron Persei 8
Hi there,

I've meeting this guy tomorrow for the first time. He messaged me on MySpace about four to six weeks ago and we've been texting each other since. He's been wanting to meet up for a while now and I've kept putting it off because I'm really shy. So, me being spontaneous I said to him that we should meet up. He said what about tomorrow at 7pm and I said that would be ok.
I'm really nervous now, I haven't done anything like this before!
I think we're going for a drink (so there is going to be a lot of talking) and I'm dreading it! I'm really shy and worrying if I can't have a decent conversation with the guy.
Does anyone here have any advice? What kinda things do I try and talk about? What things should I never do? What things should I do?

I'm a nervous wreck about it all - some advice would be very much appreciated!

Shaun
 
FearFactor47 said:
Hi there,

I've meeting this guy tomorrow for the first time. He messaged me on MySpace about four to six weeks ago and we've been texting each other since. He's been wanting to meet up for a while now and I've kept putting it off because I'm really shy. So, me being spontaneous I said to him that we should meet up. He said what about tomorrow at 7pm and I said that would be ok.
I'm really nervous now, I haven't done anything like this before!
I think we're going for a drink (so there is going to be a lot of talking) and I'm dreading it! I'm really shy and worrying if I can't have a decent conversation with the guy.
Does anyone here have any advice? What kinda things do I try and talk about? What things should I never do? What things should I do?

I'm a nervous wreck about it all - some advice would be very much appreciated!

Shaun
Click to expand...

First off, take a deep breath.

Second, your fear is normal: use it to protect yourself. You met this person on MySpace. My advice: let someone know where you will be, that you have your cell phone with you, and give that person your cell phone number and tell them when you expect to come home. On a first date, always stay in public areas--don't go to his home or yours with him afterward.

Third, keep your expectations low. If he is not for you, you haven't lost anything. You've gained a piece of knowledge. Fourth, don't worry about what to talk about. I'm sure that'll come naturally. Again keep your expectations for yourself and him low. Fifth don't drink so much that you'll go home with him without really wanting to.

Sixth, pay for yourself. That way you feel comfortable knowing you owe him nothing.

Seventh, have fun!!!!!!
 
One thing that I've also done if I'm meeting a stranger is as well as the (very good) advice above, asked a good friend who is going to be available that evening to listen out for their phone at a set time (probably an hour or two after you've met up). You'll call them probably from the toilet or something and let them know everything is going to be OK.

If they haven't heard anything from you within ten minutes of the set time, they ring you. Just in case anything is going wrong, you'll have a special codeword (make it something that could be easily slipped into a co-erced conversation should you feel in any kind of trouble) so that they know something isn't right.

That isn't one I've used for dating, but more when I've met up with someone to buy/sell something. Although different circumstances, where I was more afraid of theft, you may be able to apply some of that to your practice there.

Well done for being careful, and enjoy yourself. :)
 
lol try to calm yourself down and be more active rather than passive. Don't let your date feel like you don't know or you're not sure what you're doing on your first date.

Hope that helps :)
 
Thanks for the good advice so far. I'm like 19 (nearly 20 [may] - eww) is this obscenely late for my first date?
How long should it last? Should there be a kiss?
What things should I never bring up?
 
Hmmm....well, I dunno if I should be giving advice or just watching the replies roll in since I am notoriously bad at this stuff. Anyways...hope this helps:

1) As long as you guys are the same age, you will have stuff to talk about. Just be friendly and chat. If you end up disagreeing about everything, fine it didn't work out, it's not the end of the world. If you have a lot in common at the least you end up with a friend and maybe more.

2) Don't try to drink to calm your nerves...you'd just end up getting drunk and looking bad.

3) Hmm...I don't know if the guys are the same over there as they are here, but try not to put out (or put in :p ) on the first date. Try to build something longterm (even if its just friends)...so set your limits before you meet and stick to them. The problem is, bad sex is hard to recover from. Awesome sex is even worse, because then all your dates turn into hookups and after a month or so, the sex gets boring and you guys will forget the other things you had in common.

Good Luck!!!
 
TheAnswer said:
Hmmm....well, I dunno if I should be giving advice or just watching the replies roll in since I am notoriously bad at this stuff. Anyways...hope this helps:

1) As long as you guys are the same age, you will have stuff to talk about. Just be friendly and chat. If you end up disagreeing about everything, fine it didn't work out, it's not the end of the world. If you have a lot in common at the least you end up with a friend and maybe more.

2) Don't try to drink to calm your nerves...you'd just end up getting drunk and looking bad.

3) Hmm...I don't know if the guys are the same over there as they are here, but try not to put out (or put in :p ) on the first date. Try to build something longterm (even if its just friends)...so set your limits before you meet and stick to them. The problem is, bad sex is hard to recover from. Awesome sex is even worse, because then all your dates turn into hookups and after a month or so, the sex gets boring and you guys will forget the other things you had in common.

Good Luck!!!
Click to expand...

I'm 19 (nearly 20) and he is 28... is that a big jump?
 
FearFactor47 said:
I'm 19 (nearly 20) and he is 28... is that a big jump?
Click to expand...

It's a little big, but not horrible...maybe just go into looking for friendship. If you become friends, that's great because maybe he has other friends closer to your age that might match up better.

Are you still in school? and is he still in school (maybe getting a graduate degree or something)? As long as you have things in common, give it a go.

Since there is that age gap, don't feel pressured by him to go anywhere or do anything that you don't feel comfortable doing.
 
RE: the age difference, When you're 28 it'll seem like a big difference! Be careful. Especially since you said he's been wanting to meet you for a while now. Ask yourself what the best case scenario is? What is your intention? What do you want to come of this?

RE: it being your first date, I'm 24 and have never dated--not everyone's life unravels the same way--def do not worry about it being your first date. I accept that my life is not the norm, and I see my friends who have dated and broken up ad nauseum and I don't see myself as "behind" them in terms of development.
 
You met this guy off of myspace huh and he's 28. If I were you I'd be extremely cautious. He could be trying to take advantage of you or maybe not. Just keep your guard up and let your friends know where you're going.

Be safe and have fun.
 
Hi Shaun,

First off, if you are still feeling a little weirded out by this tomorrow, by all means, do not feel like you need to go on this date. Okay, just needed to say that right off the bat!

So, supposing you guys do get together for a drink, there will be plenty to chat about since you've never had any face-to-face time. I wouldn't worry about that. The strangest part of meeting "online people" IMO is the pacing of the conversation. If you're used to IMing or texting, there is a lot of *space* that doesn't happen IRL. Hazard of the technology age, I suppose. :)

BTW, remember to not drink too much! Like the other folks have said, you want to stay safe and on your best form, so a clear mind is key.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes,
MM

ETA: do you have a friend who maybe can be hanging out at the same pub? Again, just want you to stay safe.
 
I rember my first date. I was nervous but if it is someone you truly like and someone who likes you, you WILL be fine. Something will come up to talk about. Good luck on your first date! :)
 
I'm a 26 year old guy and because I'm at uni, I regularly meet girls who are 18-20 years old. I'm friends with many girls who are 18-20, and they're great fun and cool to hang with, but I have to say that at times, it's quite apparent that I'm older than they are. I'm talking about personality and "how" they think about certain things.

What a 28 year old wants to do with a 19 year old makes me worried, especially if you met this guy on MySpace. Be very careful. Stick to very public places, and if he tells you he wants to see you again, don't let him pick you up in his car. Also, don't let him drive you home, even if you had a perfect date and you find him trustworthy. Many people are good at acting.
 
Abstract said:
What a 28 year old wants to do with a 19 year old makes me worried, especially if you met this guy on MySpace.
Click to expand...
Too true. And speaking as someone who's 28, I can tell you that it's a bit more rare for us to be on the myspace "scene" than someone your age, FearFactor47. Not that it necessarily means anything, but it struck me as a little odd, too.
 
The Don Ditty said:
You met this guy off of myspace huh and he's 28. If I were you I'd be extremely cautious. He could be trying to take advantage of you or maybe not. Just keep your guard up and let your friends know where you're going.
Click to expand...

Since a couple of other people brought this up...I'll address it too. Some guys treat their age very flexibly online...when I was younger I'd chat with "20 yo's" just to later have them forget and tell me they were really 17, I'm sure stuff like that is pretty rare. However, once a guy hits 30, it seems it can take up to 5 years before he "remembers" to change his age online...one of my friends (who is 34, like me) is currently dating a really fit 40 year old that is 27 online. So older guys trying to pass as younger is very common.
 
ummmmmm... you sure you wanna take dating advices from a computer forum?? ;)

i'm not quite sure if the other dude's age could really be a bad sign. maybe that's because my aunt is married to a guy that's ten years older than her, and my roommie has a bf who is eight years older than him. but like any other dates, you'd want to proceed with caution. not saying you should build a wall, but i think it's only fair to allow yourself and him to be sober and get to know each other. that's why first dates are special, right? therefore, i tend to have my first dates somewhere public yet private enough to converse and interact to explore each other's likes and dislikes - i.e. beach, amusement park, art gallery, university village, bicycling, minigolf, etc.

but i guess it all depends on what you and him are looking for. after reading up the dude's comments and his friends' profiles on myspace, you should now have a pretty good idea of what kind of person he is, and what you want from him. and don't forget to google his name, screen name, email, etc. from experience, google can dig some jerry-springer-*****. :eek:

in regards to teh kiss, it will come naturally. if the two of you really hit it off, you'd know when the "moment" would be. never feel obligated to kiss or do any other stuff just because you are on a date, he pays for dinner or whatsoever. do what you are comfortable with. while i don't like to generalize people, i'd sure expect an older dude to know how to treat a younger date with respect, and he should know when to make a move or not. don't forget to bring your cell phone (errr... or mobile you guys like to call), it's corny but you can always pretend someone's calling and needs your presence urgently when the date goes down south.

dating can be schweet and fun... i have had some awesome moments... be yourself and let him be himself so the two of you can get to know each other. =)
 
Do not get in his car, do not drink, do not let him take you ANYWHERE (like, to another bar/club you've never heard of, etc), do not let it show that you might be romantically interested in this guy. More likely than not, his intentions will *not* be too serious with you, so take it for what it's worth: A fun evening out with a complete stranger you've met on MySpace -- nothing more.

Be yourself, make it clear that you have a life of your own (people who come across as shy with not much going on in their lives are much more easily victimized in any way); come across as strong, tell him about the many things you have going on -- family, school work, hobbies, etc. Don't give any personal information (last name, etc). No matter how great and interested in you he seems, after 1-1.5 hrs tell him you gotta go now and TAKE OFF.

Don't worry -- if he is seriously interested and his intentions are honorable, he will be impressed and will continue pursuing you. If he was looking for easy sex, he will move on to an easier victim.

Remember: This is not about you having to prove to him you're a worthy person, this is about HIM proving to you his intentions are honorable, and you have to make it clear that you are not available for casual sex or the like (unless that's what you want, of course). If he's interested he will make an effort and be patient, and respect you for it. If not, he will move on to another unsuspecting person, since you've proven you're not falling for his pretty talk.
 
yea, this guy might just be looking for a quick piece of action at your expense. I'd discourage any scenario that involves you being totally alone w/ him for at least two weeks worth of 'dates.' If all he wants is to take advantage of you he'll split and move on before he takes you on more than several dates. Again, don't place yourself in a position of vulnerability because the interwebs are loaded with twisted predators who prey on nice people like you.:mad:
 
The age thing kinda worries me too. But then, he might be a very nice guy. I sometimes go on dates with girls I meet online, but it's generally girls who know my friends so they know I'm not a bad guy. :D

Have a friend call you every now and then. I'm not trying to scare you, but there are alot of freaks out there. Better safe then sorry.

just be yourself, don't expect anything to come out of this, think of it as having dinner/drinks with a friend. Remember if you feel pressured in anyway, leave, you are not obligated to anything.

Let us know how it turned out and good luck. :)
 
Hello! I'm just back from the date. It lasted for about three hours.
Basically, we met at a train station which is pretty central in the city. We then went to a bar (a joint decision). I told him I was driving, so I got Coke and he got a bottle of bud. We talked and stuff it was awkward at first but after the first hour I was more relaxed and I was actually laughing and stuff. He bought the first round of drinks and I bought the second.
He asked if I was hungry, I wasn't, so we went to McDonalds and he got something to eat. We walked back to my car and I dropped him off near the station and he kissed me on the cheek.
On the date he arranged for us to meet Tuesday.

Overall I'm proud at myself for doing this! :p.

What should I be feeling right now? He seemed like a really nice guy, uses his hands a lot (I like that :p). I'm not sure what I feel, I don't outright dislike him but I don't feel headover heels either.

Should I go on a few dates then decide? Any advice would be good :p

PS . Advice offered so far has been excellent , thank you for all your replies they have been really useful and made this easier.

Shaun
 
Congrats! I'm glad it went well.

As for feelings...just take it slow...a step at a time. You don't have to feel anything. Things will either grow or they may just level out at a point where you guys decide friendship is best. Just play it by ear.
 
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