Gifts To and From Exes

[devilot]

So I'm curious as to see how y'all think about gift exchanging with exes after the relationship has ended.

But I guess I'm much more curious to see what people think about gifts that were exchanged during the course of a relationship-- and if that relationship ends, what do y'all do with those gifts then?

Example: I knit a blanket for my ex while we were still together. And I just found out that he's still using it on his bed and with a new woman.

 

[PlaceofDis]

well after the relationship all depends on how you two are getting along and how things ended. and all that.

things that were given throughout the course of the relationship are left to the person given to for the most part. unless it was more of a loan. (ie borrowing/using your laptop while in the relationship so its kinda theirs, but not really). for the most part if i've given someone something and we've broken up. its theirs to do with as they wish. similarly if i've received anything. some things i keep, somethings i don't.

untangling things though can certainly be a mess.

 

[heehee]

I not friends with any of my exs. I'm a all or nothing kinda guy.

 

[faintember]

I prefer to totally split with an ex if possible. Just my preference. That said, I wouldn't exchange a gift with an ex.

After an relationship all gifts get trashed. It has become part of my "moving on" rituals. After the relationship is done I don't need physical things to remind me of my ex, as my brain does that all too well.

BTW, I find the whole "he and his new woman are using my quilt" thing a bit unsettling.

 

[koobcamuk]

There's no point in dealing with them after. You went out with them for a reason... I agree - I don't talk to my exes.

mostly, because I would still screw them. (most)

 

[vniow]

There's a few things my ex gave me after we parted ways that I still keep around, a bunch of clothes, some bathroom items, some othe misc trinkets. I don't see any need to throw them out cause I like them and they're often useful but it depends on the context of the relationship.

I don't look at these things and see what a horrible situation they came out of, I see them as objects that I value in the present. Perhaps its because most of these items were left to me after I kicked her out of our apartment and not in the context of the relationship. I would probably look at them differently had most of them been given to me while we were still together. Some things like my necklace however she gave to me while we were still dating and I haven't taken it off since. I'm not really reminded of her when I think of it, I keep it because it was my first real Valentine's present and everyone tells me its a pretty necklace.

So it depends on context I suppose. I think giving something to someone else that was given to you as a gift from an ex is generally in poor taste but I see no qualms in keeping it for your own use.

I would not give a gift or receive one from her now however, but that's mostly because we ended on bad terms and we no longer speak. If you ended on better terms then it would be different but I have no experience with that matter...

 

[mattscott306]

As far as your example goes I dont know how I'd feel about that.
I only have one ex, I dated her for four years, and she still has all the stuffed animals and rings I gave her during that time. We talk occassionally, so I guess it's not weird for her to keep those.

 

[siurpeeman]

i had a particularly weak moment and gifted my ex an itunes song on her birthday, but that's it. aside from that, there hasn't been any exchange of stuff from either side. about the things she gave me while we were going out, i did my best to get rid of it. i gave a pair of bose headphones to my sister and threw a lot of stuff out. but there are some things i refuse to trash, photos, a stuffed animal and a cowbell.

 

[islandman]

After the relationship, I see no point in giving/receiving gifts. Actually, there's usually no point to even have regular communication with them.

As far as gifts already exchanged, if I gave it to them, it's theirs. If they gave it to me, it's mine. I often toss out most of the stuff, but if it's a cool gift, I keep it .

 

[devilot]

BTW, I find the whole "he and his new woman are using my quilt blanket" thing a bit unsettling.

I'm relieved to see that someone else thought it wasn't quite... er, right? I dunno, it's not wrong but I guess you said it better, it does feel a little unsettling to me.

I don't see any need to throw them out cause I like them and they're often useful but it depends on the context of the relationship...

I don't look at these things and see what a horrible situation they came out of, I see them as objects that I value in the present.

Yeah, I think it really does seem to (duh) depend on the specific gifts and the dynamics of the given relationship. It's weird, because before my last relationship, I didn't really use gifts from exes. I'd stash 'em away or in some instances, threw them away. But with the last relationship, I find myself reluctant to stop "using" some of those gifts.

I would not give a gift or receive one from her now however, but that's mostly because we ended on bad terms and we no longer speak.

Agreed. I wouldn't give or accept gifts from other exes after the fact. But again, with this last ex, I gave him something that I knew he'd wanted for years 'cause I saw it for an incredible deal. And he's gifted me some iTunes song codes. Shrug.

 

[smueboy]

I've never exchanged gifts after the fact, but the things i received during a relationship (before it ended) i normally keep. There's no point throwing things away just because it ended, nor let them remind you of bad things.

 

[thejadedmonkey]

...a stuffed animal and a cowbell.

"a little more cowbell!"

 

[siurpeeman]

...But with the last relationship, I find myself reluctant to stop "using" some of those gifts.

...But again, with this last ex, I gave him something that I knew he'd wanted for years 'cause I saw it for an incredible deal. And he's gifted me some iTunes song codes. Shrug.

it sounds like you still have strong feelings about him. would you mind my asking why you guys broke up?

 

[devilot]

it sounds like you still have strong feelings about him. would you mind my asking why you guys broke up?

Because after 4.5+ years and at a point in our lives when we had to start really considering the future and our future as a couple, I couldn't ignore the fact that in my heart he is was my best friend and the romantic element was missing.

 

[bartelby]

Well an ex of mine sold about 250 LPs that I'd lent her!

Most of the little soft toys she bought me have long since been torn to pieces by the dog.

 

[vniow]

"a little more cowbell!"

I'm relieved to see that someone else thought it wasn't quite... er, right? I dunno, it's not wrong but I guess you said it better, it does feel a little unsettling to me.

It is a bit tasteless odd. I know you put a lot of effort into that and you made it for him specifically, it doesn't strike me as very respectful for him to still use it in that manner. Perhaps the best decision would be to give it back.

But with the last relationship, I find myself reluctant to stop "using" some of those gifts.

There's nothing wrong with that, certainly. It all depends on how they make you feel I suppose. If they were given to you in what was a bad situation then I can see you being reluctant but if they're still useful then its a different story. What do the things you keep from this one remind you of? The good times you had? The bad times? Something else entirely?

Agreed. I wouldn't give or accept gifts from other exes after the fact. But again, with this last ex, I gave him something that I knew he'd wanted for years 'cause I saw it for an incredible deal. And he's gifted me some iTunes song codes. Shrug.

I know you both probably had the best of intentions, but that could easily be taken the wrong way. Not saying it has been in your case since I don't know the dynamics of the situation, but from my own experience gifting an ex after they were an ex wasn't the best thing. I thought about giving my ex some stuff after it all ended but in hindsight it wasn't the best mentality. We were both much much better off when things were broken off entirely.

Most of the little soft toys she bought me have long since been torn to pieces by the dog.

I find this highly amusing.

 

[mattscott306]

Well an ex of mine sold about 250 LPs that I'd lent her!

That reminds me- I bought a Piano from a friend, who's ex had up and left him one day and went back to Tennessee without telling him.

Well she came back a few weeks ago, they got back together so now I have a piano that I think they want me to sell back...

 

[MalcolmJID]

I'm not really into the gifts for exs idea. But if I think of something really nice, then I don't see why not.


I recently got my hands on Evanescence's entire discography, and knowing that she was a big fan, and neither me nor my current partner weren't big fans of them, I passed the CD's on to her =]. I got a smile and a hug. S'all good.

I also ripped them to my laptop just in case.

 

[thedude110]

I put stuff from exes into boxes. 'Cause I can't really throw stuff away. Like, any stuff.

Then, I married an ex.

So I had to take all her crap out of the box and like, reinstate it. All.

Kinda messed up my whole ... archival system.

 

[killmoms]

I'm good friends with only one of my exes, cordial with another three, there's only one that ended badly enough that I haven't heard from her in a long time (though if I were to run into her on the street I'd be cordial, no reason to create drama).

The one ex I'm still good friends with, I actually still have a little cardboard box of notes we exchanged during the relationship. It's one of my little treasures that I'll probably never get rid of. She's also given me a couple birthday gifts over the years... a favor that, now that I think about it, I probably ought to return. I'm a bad friend! *starts planning for October*

 

[kiwi_the_iwik]

Hmm - interesting...

I have the gross misfortune of actually working alongside my ex-girlfriend - she's a particularly nasty piece of work! Ha! Ha!

She moved out a year ago, saying she wanted her "independence". I was really supportive. I thought work was getting on top of her, and she needed a bit of space - no IDEA that meant shacking up with one of my (former) close friends, whom I ALSO work with! Oh, well - Better that I found out then than later on, I guess. It's not that it didn't hurt - it really did. Hell, I'd bought the ring and everything - AND I signed as guarantor to her flat just up the road from me. What was worst of all was that she'd not even said goodbye to my little 6 year old, who'd absolutely loved her - and that was horrific for a solo dad to deal with for a time.

It was easy to sort things out in my case. I put EVERYTHING she'd given me into a collection of rubbish sacks (shirts, watches, books, music, DVD's, video iPod, etc...), and put aside all the things that she'd forgotten to take with her (including her nice, brand new golf clubs, with which I did a bit of gardening in my flower beds with first), went back to work and dropped everything at the guy's feet - in front of everyone - telling him to stick it as far as it would go. Sideways.

Made ME feel a helluva lot better, I can tell you!

The sad thing is that she's just done the same thing to him now... Nothing like pathetically habitual behaviour. I'm talking to him again, but can't STAND the sight of her. My little boy, by the way, is as happy as he was before, and we're enjoying a very happy life together on our own.

So, in answer to your question, ignore 'em. Don't even lose sleep over them again! I don't even acknowledge her presence (although not in a malicious way) and it makes MY day seem so much better - for I know I'm a better person from it.