Is this a bad sign?

[vniow]

A little background before I get to the issue:

Back in high school (like 1999 or something) I moved from the middle of the country out to the SF Bay area here in Cali. I've never been very socialable (which would explain the amount of time I spend here, heh) so when I find someone that I get along with, have a lot in common with, etc, I tend to value that and friends like that are few and far between for me.
So back in the high school I went to before I moved, there was this girl that filled that place. Since I was never very socialable we didn't spend that much time together but it was a lot more than any other friends I had, so she was pretty much the only one I kept in touch with after I moved.
Fast forward to a couple years ago, when I'm coming more to terms of my identity and I just need someone to talk to, I never made any friends out here to begin with so I deide to get back into touch with her (after e-mails and phone calls trickle down to non-existence) when I'm going to visit some family in the summer.

I get in touch with her after I get there, my grandma drove me out to the house she lived at but her and her family had just moved so I call the number that's on the real-estate sign and find that she's there. She seems happy to talk to me again and we start conversing again. I mention that I'd like to see her again and maybe we could get together sometime. She says that she's busy but she'll let me know. OK I think, I'll just call her in a couple days.
Meanwhile I'm stuck at my grandma's house with nothing to do and I'm just builiding up severe anxiety since I was pretty sure my family wasn't the most queer-friendly family in the world so I was scared ******** of what would happen if I were to tell then that I wasn't exactly straight. So I call her up again and tell her what's been on my mind for the past few months. She's supportive about it and everything and didn't seem to give a **** what I was or anything. That made me feel quite a bit better at the time.

A couple days after that I freak out completely and so some really stupid **** that makes a lot of my family quite pissed off and worried and I try to call her again from my grandma's cell that I found but I get a hold of her mom instead. For whatever reason I came out to her and it turns out she's a fundie and says some ******** about its the media that's making people feel this way and whatnot. In hindsight this was a really stupid thing to do and probably creeped out my friend some.
I call her again (either later that night or the next day I don't remember) and I can tell she's trying to avoid me this time. She keeps on making excuses to not see me and in the back of my head I know this but I keep on.
The day that I leave I call her again and as we say goodbye I say something which was really dumb (it was something like "love ya, bye" I think, doesn't sound too harmless now but during the past few days there it was pretty damaging) especially considering the state of our friendship at the time and I was probably being clingy and pushy about things and not thinking about what I was saying to people and how that may affect the way I relate to them and this time I know that she's a bit creeped out by the way she says bye and hangs up the phone. I call her again right after that and try to explain myself but it doesn't end up going very well so we say bye again.

After I get back to my parent's place here I call her up again and I can tell she really doesn't want to talk to me and I kinda feel that the only way it can go from here is downhill so I say that it would probably be a good idea if we didn't speak anymore. She agrees and that's the last I spoke to her.

That was about three years ago. The issue I'm having now is that I'm starting to think about her a lot again. Its almost I feel that things aren't resolved or something, hell I don't know. I've changed a lot in the past three years and I'm sure she has too, I just don't know why I suddenly started thinking about her again and whether this is a good thing or I should just let go and forget about it.

 

[gwuMACaddict]

try to find her and let her know you want to talk... can't hurt

 

[jelloshotsrule]

i think it's understandable. unless you left something out, you never received an explanation as for her changed disposition towards you. she was fine with it the first time you told her, but then seemed to totally change later. now, she must've known you were fairly intense/emotional about this issue based on the first talk, so the later coming out to her mom and other conversations shouldn't have been a total surprise. i think that if you could email her, or even call, then it could be worth a shot. as you say, you've changed, and most likely she has as well. if nothing else, time might have healed some of the doubt/fear she had, and who knows, she might want to get in touch with you too.

that said, you shouldn't assume that she will have changed, or have changed for the best. in your situation, i'd probably try to get in touch with her, and expect the worst so as not to be let down. but then, i try not to expect much from people in general


hope things work out... if nothing else, it would be better to find out she's not the good friend you thought you could have (she's closed minded, etc) and put it out of your head. you simply can't blame yourself for someone's closed mindedness, no matter how weirded out you may have made them in your emotional outbursts at the time.

 

[Blue Velvet]

Try emailing, texting or writing her as a first approach would be my suggestion if you've got any of those contact details.

Also wouldn't hurt to closely examine what your motives are and just why you've been thinking about her again.

All the best.

 

[vniow]

i think it's understandable. unless you left something out, you never received an explanation as for her changed disposition towards you. she was fine with it the first time you told her, but then seemed to totally change later.

I think she just didn't know how to handle the sutuation, it was a pretty major thing for me so understandably I was quite intense about it. Since we weren't all that close I think she may have felt overwhelmed since things were moving quickly and strongly at the time with someone she wasn't too emotionally involved with.

that said, you shouldn't assume that she will have changed, or have changed for the best. in your situation, i'd probably try to get in touch with her, and expect the worst so as not to be let down. but then, i try not to expect much from people in general

Maybe, since I haven't spoken to her in about three years, I really don't know if she's changed or not. I'm kinda the opposite, I tend to expect the best of people instead of the other way around, sometimes that hinders me and sometimes it doesn't.

hope things work out... if nothing else, it would be better to find out she's not the good friend you thought you could have (she's closed minded, etc) and put it out of your head. you simply can't blame yourself for someone's closed mindedness, no matter how weirded out you may have made them in your emotional outbursts at the time.

Try emailing, texting or writing her as a first approach would be my suggestion if you've got any of those contact details.

Also wouldn't hurt to closely examine what your motives are and just why you've been thinking about her again.

All the best.

Good advice from both of you, thanx (and gwuMACaddict too ), I think I may have found her phone number/address but I'm not certain if its her or not. I'm pretty sure that it is since her mom's name is on the address as well but it could be someone else. Perhaps I'll write a letter and send it rather than calling, that way I have more time to think about what to say and won't end up making things awkward again.

-Ani

 

[Lacero]

Vniow, doesn't sound like it's a good sign.

First, you met her before you knew you were a lesbian, or from what you wrote, still unsure. So your friendship with her was not lesbian, or was it? You didn't make clear if she is gay also.

Anyway, be honest with her. Tell her you contacted her out of the blue because she really is the only friend you connected with, and tell her of your "coming out". As a friend, she will be understanding. But if you want more of the relationship, such as an intimate relationship, you will need to delicately broach the subject with her. Even if she is gay also, relationships don't always work out. The fundie parents are a major, major roadblock. It's hard enough for straight people to find love or deep companionship, I can only imagine how much harder it is with being gay and the social stigma still attached to it.

Hope you find the inner peace and companionship, you, and everyone else is looking for.

 

[vniow]

First, you met her before you knew you were a lesbian, or from what you wrote, still unsure. So your friendship with her was not lesbian, or was it? You didn't make clear if she is gay also.

She's straight. Has been for as long as I've known her.

As a friend, she will be understanding. But if you want more of the relationship, such as an intimate relationship, you will need to delicately broach the subject with her.

Uhh, not quite what I had in mind actually. Like I said, I'm pretty sure she's straight and I never felt any real attraction towards her, despite the fact that she's kinda the type I usually fall for. I thought about it from time to time but it was never quite like that.

Hope you find the inner peace and companionship, you, and everyone else is looking for.

Thanx, I'll be sure to update any response I send or receive, I have what I think is her address so I'll type up a letter when I have time and see how it goes.

 

[CanadaRAM]

Hmmm... You know that the urge to reconnect is all about your peace of mind, and not about her or the relationship? What I get from the proceedings is that she is fine with the matter being closed, it's only you who feels there is unfinished business.

If you accept the possibility that a re-approach may be unwanted or even hurtful to the other party... can you examine your motives for wanting to do so?

I would feel safe in saying she received very mixed signals from you --

If I can paraphrase (and with a certain degree of bluntness, for which I apologise in advance) -- you reconnected with her in a preliminary way, hit town like Hurricane Ani, came out to her mom (causing unknown consequences in that household), started moving things forward too quickly and stongly with someone you know is straight and who you were formerly friends with but not Heart to Heart close with, said 'love ya', didn't mean it that way, but then again she is the type you are usually attracted to, and agreed as a result of the conflagration to leave each other alone.... whew.

It would take a courageous person to be the receiving party in that scenario, and still stick with you. I think, (and I may be shot down in flames for this), that the other lady isn't that courageous, and would prefer to not hear back.

So my harsh message is -- you may only be craving getting some "closure" for yourself.

Closure is overrated -- it's the impulse to "make everything OK again" or get forgiven for past events in our personal history that haunt us. It's not reality-based though. Our perception of the importance (and even the factual events) of our past is distorted by our frame of reference, ego, passage of time, current worldview. The only thing we can guarantee is that NOBODY will have the same perception of the events that we do. The movie playing in our head is our own director's cut, with unique camera angles and MUCH left out...

My inappropriate advice is, then, please don't let this rule you. It is the past, and it can't be made right. It's only uncomfortable in memory because we choose to make it so. What else is going on in your life that this subject has come up now?

 

[wongulous]

gotta be honest with you

tl;dr

 

[vniow]

What else is going on in your life that this subject has come up now?

I think the reason why I started thinking about her again is because a friend of mine shares the same name as her and a couple weeks ago a friend of another friend came up to visit and she shares the name as well. That's about when I started thinking, "hey, I used to know someone named ________ too..." and just reviewing the situation that went down three years ago in my head since then. I've thought about her on and off for the past three years but I usually don't let it get to me. Maybe its just been building up for the past few years and finally hit a breaking point. I've also been dealing with some of the same idenity issues more recently that were the reason for my coming out then so that could be a trigger as well.

Yeah, I do know that its mostly (okay, all) about me at this point, I haven't seen her in person for almost four years so I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one who has felt any desire to get back in contact. I just feel that something good may have been ruined over bad communication and stupid things said and done and I would at least like the chance to explain myself of which I did a horrible job last time around.

 

[skunk]

I'd say don't look back. Move on.

 

[scem0]

Definitely email her.

I know this is a slightly different scenario, but I recently contacted my first real crush. The message went as follows:

Please don't be freaked out by this, but I invited you because I had a very big crush on you at Anderson even though I never had the pleasure of talking to you. I know you're not interested in, well, men, so I am messaging you more for my own sake than for anything else. You had BCIS or some kind of tech class when I aided for Ms. Deases, and I'd try to time my walking there with yours. I'm messaging you to tell you that I've long since gotten over my attraction for you (which is probably a good thing in your mind). I'm now living in New York going to Parsons school of Design in a Design and Technology program. I am actually meeting guys and I feel like a boyfriend is almost a tangible concept. Now, I know you don't care about any of this, but as I said before I'm doing this for myself. I just thought it might be a funny thing for you to think about, and it kind of seemed like you deserved to know.

Thanks for unknowingly being the subject of a closeted gay high school boy's attraction. Those days are over, I'm out of the closet and I'm enjoying myself.

Good luck in life stranger.

Emerson

It was on facebook, hence the me knowing his orientation and the whole 'invite' thing.

But it was very therepeutic for me to message him and to get the whole crush out of my system. He ended up responding in a very nice way, making clear that there wasn't any awkwardness between us. If he had been freaked out though, it wouldn't have mattered to me, because the whole crush was one-sided in the first place.

So, establishing contact will definitely better the relationship between you and your friend or at least bring closure to it.

And if you ever need someone non-judgemental to talk to, don't hesitate to PM me. I'm here to help .

- edit - and by the way, there wouldn't have been a possibility of a friendship between us even if he had been gay because he is a *gasp* republican!

_Emerson

 

[rainman::|:|]

First off, i remember every person who i cared about that rejected me when i came out-- and probably once a week I relive each of them somewhere in my head. I think it's very natural to have difficulties forgetting-- it's traumatic enough to have to come out in the first place, and I can't really imagine adding the other factor into the mix... honestly, I think about what I went through and my friends, and I look at transgendered people and I wonder how they had the strength to get through it. World of Wonder is running a docu-show about it right now, called Transgeneration, I recommend people watch an episode if you're curious about this. Anyway, on to

point two. I would definitely have to ask about your motives here, but even a platonic relationship can turn into obsession if you dwell too much. Memories turn toxic when they've run themselves too many times... you can (i'm not saying you did, just that you can) find yourself obsessed (and by that, i mean the sinister doppleganger to love) long after the person is gone. What I'm trying to say then is, while I don't think it's a bad idea to write a letter (especially if you use it to give yourself some closure), I would be very wary of letting it consume you...

 

[CanadaRAM]

I've also been dealing with some of the same idenity issues more recently that were the reason for my coming out then so that could be a trigger as well.

Well, for what it's worth, here are a few indisputable things you already know:
You are gorgeous, talented, have a sharp sense of humor and an incisive mind. In person I bet you're even more remarkable than your MR persona.

(you also have excellent taste in computers, but that's a given around here)

 

[OnceUGoMac]

I don't mean this in a bad way, but it seems that you have some arrested development regarding your past. That said, I would suggest letting it go. I had a similar, albeit non-sexual, situation with two of my childhood freindships that turned sour. I came into contact with both parties and everything was made right between us. I'm still in contact with one regularly and another has since died. It can't hurt to attempt to make contact, but you seem delicate regarding the situation. What if she blew you off again? Would you wait several years and try to reconnect again?

 

[skunk]

I don't mean this in a bad way, but it seems that you have some arrested development regarding your past.

I dread to think what you'd say if you did mean it in a bad way...

 

[OnceUGoMac]

I dread to think what you'd say if you did mean it in a bad way...

Heh, I can be vicious.