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just hear three funny jokes

63dot

63dot

macrumors 603
Original poster
Jun 12, 2006
5,269
339
norcal
so i go to the store to get a beer and i run into this 7 foot man, who proceeds to tell me three jokes (actually that really happened) ;)

1) president bush walks into a restaurant with his cabinet to order dinner and the waiter asks, "would you like the roast beef special?" and the president says, "yes", and then the waiter asks, "and what about the vegetables?", and the president replies, "oh, they'll have the same"

2) the president is in the basement of the white house and having a breakdown so he asks fdr's ghost, "fdr, i am in deep trouble with my cabinet and they make me look bad, what can i do?"...so fdr says "you can either fire them or paint the white house blue"...and bush says, "so then i will paint the white house blue"...and fdr shoots back, "i knew you would take the easy way out"

3) a five year old girl decides she needs some money so she goes next door and helps out the construction crew working on the neighbor's house for a week...at the end of the week, she has two dollars and the mom decides the girl should open up a savings account...while in the bank, the teller asks the little girl if she will be paid next week also...the little girl says, "maybe, if those ******s deliver the fu***** sheetrock"

let's hear your jokes
 
63dot said:
3) a five year old girl decides she needs some money so she goes next door and helps out the construction crew working on the neighbor's house for a week...at the end of the week, she has two dollars and the mom decides the girl should open up a savings account...while in the bank, the teller asks the little girl if she will be paid next week also...the little girl says, "maybe, if those ******s deliver the fu***** sheetrock"

let's hear your jokes
Click to expand...


THAAAATTTtttt's pretty funny!
 
This joke refers to guys:

Whats the difference between being old and young?


When your young it's a good thing when the sheets are wet in the morning.


Whats the difference between an egg and a w*nk?


You can beat and egg, but you can't beat a w*nk!


I find these funny, but it depends on your SOH.
 
A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
 
Lol

Did you ear apart the fight in the fish and chip sho yesterday??? Three fish got battered.


What is the difference between a washing machine and an Essex girl?? A washing machine wont spit out your load.

(Apologies if i have just offended anyone. They are jokes that i find funny and i admit i do have a wierd SOH. I have a few more funny ones but they are fairly racist. If you want to hear them, PM me.
 
One of my favourites.

A pub landlord is casually pulling a pint when a tramp/hobbo walks in and asks for a toothpick, so the landlord giuves him one.
A few minutes later, another tramp walks in and asks for a toothpick so the landlord gives him one.
A few minutes after this, another tramp walks in and asks for a toothpick so the landlord obliges and gives him one but is growing suspicious.
Multiple occasions this happens until another tamps walks in and asks for a straw. At this point, the landlord asks 'what do you want a straw for??'
The tramp replies 'someone's been sick outside and all of the lumps have been taken'
 
Here are five more.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone now! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where is my toast?"
----------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-five year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Nah, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a hobo."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
----------

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
----------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' '"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
----------

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a very refreshing banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"Not exactly," he replied, "Just bad arthritis."
 
While George Bush is in the middle of a conference with some important people about the war, a man runs in and says "Sir! I've just heard that three Brazilian soldiers have just died!"

George sits down, stunned. He puts his head in his hands, obviously in disbelief and shock. No-one in the room could figure out why he would be so upset.

George, noticing the lack of reaction of the others in the room, lifts his head, and asks,

"How many is a Brazilian?"
 
What's the difference between 'Light' and 'Hard'?

You can go to sleep with a light on.

================================

Bush has gone to hell and is being shown around by the devil who says he has to replace someone for eternity. Devil shows him the first room, in it is Richard Nixon tied to a stake with rats gnawing at him.

No.....says George can I see another room. Next room there is Lyndon Johnson swimming in a pool of vomit. I don't think so says George.

In the next room Bush is surprised to see Bill Clinton. He's tied on the ground spread eagled and there's monika lewinsky doing er...what she does best.

Bush thinks for a moment and says. Yeah, ok I think I can handle this. The Devil says. "Monica, you can go now".

=============================
®îçhå®?, your joke reminded me of this one.

OK this guy goes to a bar and says to the barman I'll do anything for a drink, you name it. I'll do it. The barman says, yeah? OK see that spittoon over there. Take a swig and you can have a double whiskey.

So he goes over to the spittoon which is quite full and lifts it up to his mouth. By this time the whole bar has fallen silent. Then he lifts up the swilling spitton and takes a swallow. A couple of patron throw up on the spot. But he doesn't put it down he just keeps drinking...glug glug.

The barman is horrifies and everyone has gone green. He says. Stop stop I just said a swig. Stop for god's sake man. But he keeps on.. glug glug until the whole spitoon is emptied.

The barman say why did you do that, why did you keep drinking when I said to stop. The chap says, I couldn't stop, it was all in one lump.

==================
one more,

Doctor: When did you discover you had diaorhea
Patient: When I took off my bicycle clips.
 
63dot said:
1) president bush walks into a restaurant with his cabinet to order dinner and the waiter asks, "would you like the roast beef special?" and the president says, "yes", and then the waiter asks, "and what about the vegetables?", and the president replies, "oh, they'll have the same"
Click to expand...

That isn't a joke, apparantly it actually happened, but it was Margaret Thatcher.

The dominance of a leader can often be reflected in rumours and myths. Two of Europe's most dominant Chiefs, Charles Haughey and Margaret Thatcher, both had the same mythical story told about them; how they were in a restaurant with their ministers. The waiter took the order for steak from Haughey/Thatcher and then asked "and what about the vegetables?" to which they received the reply "oh they'll have what I am having", implying that their boss thought that the ministers were mere vegetables! A variant of the story also exists in other states with "chief" leaders.
Click to expand...
- Wikipedia
 
dogbone said:
@welshandrew

Just for the record I heard an unpoliticised version of that joke referring to vegetables and brain damage at least 35 years ago.
Click to expand...


I'm still going for the Maggie version, it fits perfectly with her personna of the time. :p
 
Scarlet Fever said:
While George Bush is in the middle of a conference with some important people about the war, a man runs in and says "Sir! I've just heard that three Brazilian soldiers have just died!"

George sits down, stunned. He puts his head in his hands, obviously in disbelief and shock. No-one in the room could figure out why he would be so upset.

George, noticing the lack of reaction of the others in the room, lifts his head, and asks,

"How many is a Brazilian?"
Click to expand...


I have always loved that joke...im Brasilian!!!
 
I loved that "Where's my toast???" one. Lol, I don't have many jokes, because my English teacher kinda ruined my sense of humor. What a dork....
 
Why don't Seagulls fly over the Bay?

Cause then they'd be called Bagels...

(yes, i know it's stupid)

Q:what do you call a cow with no legs?

A:Ground Beef.


Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

A: Lean Beef.



Q: What do you call a bunch of cows masturbating?

A: Beef Stroganoff...
 
Three guys walk into a bar. As they're sitting down they notice a very attractive female walk into the guys bathroom with a box of doughnuts. They wonder what's going on, so one guy gets up and walks into the bathroom to find out what's going on.

The guy comes back about 10 minutes later with a HUGE smile on his face.
"What happened, what took you so long?" asks the two guys.

"Dude, she put a doughnut on my *ick and ate it off!!"

So of course the second guy needed to see for himself what's going on.

About 10 minutes later, he comes back with a HUGE smile on his face.

So the guys ask, "DUDE?! Did she put a doughnut on your *ick and eat it off too?!?"

"YEA MAN, you gotta try it!" he responded.

So the third guy gets up to enjoy in the festivities, when he comes right back and he's crying and has a handful of change...

"What happened?" Said his friends...

"She told me to go buy a box of Cheerios"
 
Deepdale said:
Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
Click to expand...


That's hilarious, because I have that card featuring three old women.:D
 
Jaffa Cake said:
I don't think it did actually happen – I'm pretty sure it was actually a Spitting Image sketch, rather than any real life occurrence.
Click to expand...


I'm devastated! (But I'm sure I'll get over it ;) )

I heard this story on Jeremy Vine's Radio 2 show and thought it was one of those classic political quotes, a la, Churchill's "if I was your husband I'd drink it" line. :(
 
I've got a million. A sampling:

What is white and blue?
A refrigator wearing a demin jacket.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walks into a bar. The bartender says, "what, is this a joke?"

What is worse than a dead baby in a trashcan?
A dead baby in 10 trashcans.

Why does Michael Jackson love twenty-five year olds?
Because there are twenty of them!

What does Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?
They like to stick their meat in 12-year-old buns.

In a Italian wedding, there is a pile of feces on the altar. Why?
To keep the flies off the bride.

Disney World failed in Japan. Why?
No one was tall enough to go on the rides.

Three men walks into a bar... Michael Jackson.
 
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