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Lunch date with ex..

I

iLikeToDrum

macrumors member
Original poster
Dec 2, 2010
83
0
This is very much confusing. Someone chime in and let me know what the intentions seem to be.

We dated all summer, then split in Aug. before she went to school. Stop talking completely.

Then she texted me asking if I had a camera that she could borrow that shoots at night. I let her borrow my iPhone 4. She needed to film a scenario for her accident to prove in court.

Anyway, when she came to get, and brought back, the iPhone, we both seemed pretty... happy. Same old us really.

So I asked her on Monday if she wanted to go a spot where we went when we dated for lunch. She replies "sure :)".. So it was on.

I started thinking, maybe she likes me again/ still and we wanna give this a second go. I was pretty game to do so, but iffy.

Anyway, she told me this morning she doesn't think she can afford to go. Never once when we dated did she pay for anything, so it kinda caught me off guard when she thought she was today. It started making me think, what if she's just after a friends thing. I don't think that's what I want.

Anyway, we're still going because I told her I was paying and she asked if "I was paying". And I said, "yea". She said for me(her) too. I said "yea.. that's the idea". Then she said, "ok, still sounds good then".

So...

What do you guys think?

Should I tell her quickly what I am aiming for, or atleast that I still like her? Should I just ask if she likes me?

Thanks guys.
 
Offer to treat her for lunch, with no expectations.

If you add on anything else to that (like "But...I like you! PLEASE have lunch with me! I'll even pay! As long as I get to spend time with you!"), you risk too much.

Seriously, you genuinely shouldn't have any expectations yourself at this point. Either offer to treat her, or arrange to meet for something other than lunch, and see how she responds.
 
Tomorrow said:
Offer to treat her for lunch, with no expectations.

If you add on anything else to that (like "But...I like you! PLEASE have lunch with me! I'll even pay! As long as I get to spend time with you!"), you risk too much.

Seriously, you genuinely shouldn't have any expectations yourself at this point. Either offer to treat her, or arrange to meet for something other than lunch, and see how she responds.
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Sound advice. I'm trying not to have any attachment/ expectations right now. I want to see where she's at. She goes back to school in like 2 weeks and will then live across town. A trip I am easily willing to make if I see it's... the opportunity.

I didn't even cling with the proposal of lunch. Just said "hey wanna meet up for lunch sometime this week at ____'s". Never mentioned paying terms or anything, so she may've assumed. But yea.

Thanks for your help. So should I not even mention liking her and just see how lunch goes?
 
iLikeToDrum said:
Thanks for your help. So should I not even mention liking her and just see how lunch goes?
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See how lunch goes. Buy something cheap and split it. Don't wine and dine her in any means.

It's curious that she went to school and y'all broke up. Why? This time don't mention you still like her until after she goes back to school again. See if after she gets around her new friends and her life at school if she still wants to see you and go from there.
 
I think the biggest question here is WHY you two broke up. You two broke up for a reason, and more often than not, you can bet that reason still exists.
 
So is she just back on break from school, or back for good?

I'd agree with Tomorrow that you should keep it simple - don't mention your feelings, just see how it goes. You should be able to determine what her intentions may be.
 
Tomorrow said:
Exactly. And report back. :cool:
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Will do cap'n! ;)

Lunch is today, so I'll post back tonight.

Dalton63841 said:
I think the biggest question here is WHY you two broke up.
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I was insecure about not seeing her for periods of time, and I also think she wanted to date someone else. I know she did while we were apart, she told me. And then he dumped her a few days after her accident.. Made me look like a king I bet hah

But, I've grown a lot in the time we were apart. And to be honest, I'm not a insecure guy to begin with. I also wanted to secure her as MINE. Which was dumb. I just need to accept her saying she likes me, if she does say that, and not look for a reconfirmation every time I see her.
 
Tomorrow said:
Offer to treat her for lunch, with no expectations.

If you add on anything else to that (like "But...I like you! PLEASE have lunch with me! I'll even pay! As long as I get to spend time with you!"), you risk too much.

Seriously, you genuinely shouldn't have any expectations yourself at this point. Either offer to treat her, or arrange to meet for something other than lunch, and see how she responds.
Click to expand...

This is sound advice. Good luck, OP, I hope everything goes well.
 
iLikeToDrum said:
I just need to accept her saying she likes me, if she does say that, and not look for a reconfirmation every time I see her.
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This. You have to be secure with yourself and look at yourself as the prize. Don't look at her for confirmation on that.

Also I'm not sure if you saw my post or not since others repeated what I said after but I'm pushing the point of keeping it a cheap date and most likely sharing something. See if she is humble in accepting lunch in whatever form not a full on date.

Keep us posted.
 
I am sort of / kind of on the same boat. Long story short, I want to invite one of my friends sisters to my aunts 50th bday party. I've known her for about 2 years. We always flirt just a little when we see each other. However, when she texts other guys she shows me and I tell her that I don't care and they are probably not the right guy for her so she starts laughing. Do you guys think I should invite her and hopefully she'll say yea? Or if she says no, maybe she'll think that I want to introduce her to my family (she has met my mom and sis only) when we haven't even gone out to eat by ourselves?
 
jull said:
I am sort of / kind of on the same boat. Long story short, I want to invite one of my friends sisters to my aunts 50th bday party. I've known her for about 2 years. We always flirt just a little when we see each other. However, when she texts other guys she shows me and I tell her that I don't care and they are probably not the right guy for her so she starts laughing. Do you guys think I should invite her and hopefully she'll say yea? Or if she says no, maybe she'll think that I want to introduce her to my family (she has met my mom and sis only) when we haven't even gone out to eat by ourselves?
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No.
 
jull said:
I am sort of / kind of on the same boat. Long story short, I want to invite one of my friends sisters to my aunts 50th bday party. I've known her for about 2 years. We always flirt just a little when we see each other. However, when she texts other guys she shows me and I tell her that I don't care and they are probably not the right guy for her so she starts laughing. Do you guys think I should invite her and hopefully she'll say yea? Or if she says no, maybe she'll think that I want to introduce her to my family (she has met my mom and sis only) when we haven't even gone out to eat by ourselves?
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Depends on how much you enjoy rejection, I suppose.

And going after your friend's sister? Do you value this friendship?
 
jull said:
I am sort of / kind of on the same boat... Do you guys think I should invite her...?
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Um, no.

Abstract said:
And going after your friend's sister? Do you value this friendship?
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Agreed. Never go after a friend's sister.

Well, unless she's really hot. And you don't really like your friend that much. And your friend can't beat you up. If any of the previous are not true, then forget it.
 
I am going to be blunt. This all depends what you want out of the situation. If you didn't work out the first time, statistically speaking, the odds of working out a second time are very, very slim. Everyone always says 'but we're different', but in the end it almost always fails, kind of like dating coworkers.

Insecurity drives most women away, where as confidence acts as a magnet and self-confidence is frequently reported to be one of the top things that turn women on. If you show her insecurity or be overly possessive, she is probably going to back away from you (especially if she is an independent person). If you want her to really want you, you need to have a general demeanor which says: I am happy with who I am, I feel good about who I am, I am going to do the things in life I want to do, and I really don't care what other people say or think as I live for myself as I know what I want in life. It also means satisfaction WITHOUT constant affirmation. All of that is also good for your own mental health. Furthermore, having confidence in yourself does not mean you should act different, but be satisfied with the person you are. If you act different around her than you do everyone else, you are lying to her and, above all, to yourself. So BE YOU. No girl ever says self confidence is a bad thing (but cockiness is). Finally, if she sees great self-confidence, if you come out and tell her "I want you", she is not going to question if you really do (as opposed to not sure if you want her) as you are showing through your self-confidence that you KNOW what you want.

How long has she been broken up with the last dude? If she had a strong emotional attachment to him and hasn't been broken up with him a while, she may be coming back to you for the wrong reasons due to displaced emotions. Also, accidents can make people display emotions which may not mirror how they would have otherwise felt.

How long have you known her? If she is a student and you are not, that in itself can place strain on a relationship due to the status conflict. It takes about 18-24 months of dating to 'truly' get to know someone. Beyond all, do you trust her? If you don't trust her, then you're wasting your time even talking with her, and if you get back with her and don't trust her, it will drive the both of you crazy.

I would also be conscious about paying for too many things. Sometimes it is gentlemanly to pay, but if you are on the fritz about her, don't give her any reason to come back to you other than if she likes you. Also, some women do not like to have anything purchased for them.



jull said:
I am sort of / kind of on the same boat. Long story short, I want to invite one of my friends sisters to my aunts 50th bday party. I've known her for about 2 years. We always flirt just a little when we see each other. However, when she texts other guys she shows me and I tell her that I don't care and they are probably not the right guy for her so she starts laughing. Do you guys think I should invite her and hopefully she'll say yea? Or if she says no, maybe she'll think that I want to introduce her to my family (she has met my mom and sis only) when we haven't even gone out to eat by ourselves?
Click to expand...

No, I wouldn't invite her if you haven't gone out on a 'date' to one of your family events as it will put her on the spot and she may very well become uncomfortable. If a lot of mutual friends will be present, that is another story, but if she only really knows you among your extended family, it could be bad news. Why she shows you texts she sends to other guys I do not know as it could be 1) to make you jealous and want her, or 2) to imply shes more interested in the guys she's texting.

How frequently do you see her? Do you have a lot of mutual friends? Next time she shows you a text she sends to guys, as opposed to telling her they aren't the right one for her, throw an off character comment and see how she reacts as that can give you a better picture of what she is thinking. Start with something humorous but also be sure to say something that will require her to give you a reaction which will tell you her level of interest. If she completely says no or freaks out, just go with the 'dude, I'm just kidding, you're my boy's sis.' Also, she may like you but not be willing to date as shes your friend's sister. If you do date her, realize that there is always the chance that it could result in the demise of your friendship with her brother if things turn sour.
 
:d :d :d

It went... great. Really.

Very open book. It's always kinda been that way.

Seemed happy, but calm, to be there.

I asked her why we split... Because she was going to school and considering how far it is, it'd have been hard.

The guy she dated was like and RA kinda thing. They met, (let me try to remember right...) like a month after we split, and dated for about 1 month, maybe a month an a half. He dumped her.

Anyway. It was nice. It was like we'd never split up... Is that a good thing?

There is still an attraction.. I think it's mutual. I think we do still like each other. Especially since we didn't split do to cheating/ fights..

Also. I asked about her saying I was insecure, she claims she didn't say that.. but.. Well.. maybe, maybe not. I need to trust her as best as I can.

@NickZac. Thanks dude, it's nice to read a lengthy post. Really. insightless-one liners bug me. :)
 
If you feel you won't have insecurity of jealousy (they will drive a sane person mad), you can trust her, are reasonably sure she trusts you, and feel that she will further help you develop (as opposed to change) who you are and who you want to be, as in make you a better person, and give you some feeling of being 'whole' or 'complete', then roll with it and see where it goes. I deal with statistics and one thing about statistics is that they are ALWAYS exceptions to the rules and so you can't really completely judge how you and her will do until you try it yourself, as the experience of romance is highly individualized.
 
iLikeToDrum said:
I asked her why we split... Because she was going to school and considering how far it is, it'd have been hard.

we didn't split do to cheating/ fights..

Also. I asked about her saying I was insecure, she claims she didn't say that.. but.. Well.. maybe, maybe not. I need to trust her as best as I can.
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Interesting - you didn't split due to fights, yet it almost sounds like you were picking one with her at lunch.

Take it easy, remember, no expectations. Don't bring up negative stuff from the past. Just let it happen. :D
 
Tomorrow said:
Interesting - you didn't split due to fights, yet it almost sounds like you were picking one with her at lunch.

Take it easy, remember, no expectations. Don't bring up negative stuff from the past. Just let it happen. :D
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Oh, that was not the idea. She knew that. I guess you had to hear the vocal tone and be there. No animosity toward her.

I think she does still like me, and like I said, it seemed like she was trying to get me to say I liked her. I am trying to trust her, but I don't want to let that go in effect to quickly otherwise she'll take me for granted again. But at the same time, don't want her to think I'm clinging again.

Once again though NickZac, you rock!! :D

She tends to kinda speak in code sometimes and she said about talking, she only likes to text like if it's a guy she likes, she doesn't text friends a lot, which is true. Then later when we were saying bye, told me to text her because she'd text back, and then kinda smiled about it. :rolleyes:

Also, I am going to try hard to not bring up our past. I don't want to ignore it, it happened. But I don't want to sit there saying I hate you, you broke my heart, that wouldn't be fair.

Sounds so junior high, but you guys know how women like to be. Sorry .Jessica :p

Thank you all again for the insight. It helped me chill out during lunch yesterday.
 
jessica. said:
You obviously don't follow me on twitter. ;) :eek:

OP, follow whatever these yahoos say.
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A little old school? I know how you Southern girls are :) (I dated one in the most rural place in the world (in NC actually) for about 2 years and absolutely loved going down their)





iLikeToDrum said:
I don't want to let that go in effect to quickly otherwise she'll take me for granted again. But at the same time, don't want her to think I'm clinging again.
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If you ever have concerns about being taken for granted and especially the relationship falling into a pattern of repetition, do something BOLD and unexpected. Make her think you are going on a normal date, and then change it up; go to an artsy cafe, a museum, aquarium, science center, mini golf, batting cage, paintball, pie fight, play, concert, etc; if you do something she wouldn't expect and especially if you do things you know ahead of time she will like, she is less likely to take you for granted and will probably show more affection towards you, meaning you won't have to be as clingy as she will be initiating the actions of attraction.
 
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