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Message from the UK to the US

PowerFullMac

PowerFullMac

macrumors 601
Original poster
Oct 16, 2006
4,000
2
Check this out, very funny!

A Message from England To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical dutiesover all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year, to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour', 'neighbour' and 'colour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

3. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. Youwill relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers andtherapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and this is foryour own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup, but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth, and it can only be due to the beer.They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play football (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season. God save the Queen. Only He can.
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:D
 
I'm probably not the only one over here who thinks at least half of those would be favourable.
 
very funny.

Just a few remarks.

French fries should be called Belgian fries and must be eaten with mayonaise.
Don't forget to serve these with a good pint of Belgian beer.
 
Never seen that before, nice :D

To point 3 though, the more colourful English should be named just that - English. US English should still remain. British English? No!
 
edesignuk, thanks for editing it, it was layed out like that when it was sent to me by a friend.
 
I would totally love it if the British Empire took control of the American Empire. Maybe we would actually get things done if they did.:D

God save the Queen! (not Bush).:cool:
 
Hahahah Funny.

Maybe as part of our new foreign policy we'll send dentists and orthodontists to your country. :D

^^BTW that smile on the little green face is almost what a smile is supposed to look like.
 
That's funny; I spent a few days in London a few weeks back and I can tell you that about a third of the people I've met spoke proper English, the rest just sound like they popped a hot potato in their mouth and tried to speak.
 
dukebound85 said:
how can you not like baseball??????????:eek:

or football??????????:eek:
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I hate baseball, haaate it.

Cricket can go for five whole days without the guarantee of a win and I find it infinitely more entertaining than baseball.

Baseball - blergh.

And American Football would be much more entertaining if you ditched the pads and stopped swapping a million players on and off the field during the game. Offensive team? Defensive team? Special team? How's about just having one team and you've got to do the whole flogging lot.
 
PowerFullMac said:
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
Click to expand...

Hate to nitpick, but Andie McDowell's character in 4 weddings was actually American.
 
Hilarious! Very well done. :D But I have a bit of a problem with a few of them...

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour', 'neighbour' and 'colour'.
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Fine, as long as that's so, I will proceed to pronounce them as favoor, neighboor, and coloor. I don't even care if it'll detract from my honoor (or lack thereof). :p

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Click to expand...
They forgot the Toronto Blue Jays and the former Montreal Expos! :rolleyes: Shows how much you Brits know about baseball.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
Click to expand...
Princess Di's mum mom and dad. Duh! I thought other countries were supposed to know more about our history than we do? :D
 
dukebound85 said:
or football??????????:eek:
Click to expand...
We do like football. It's just some rugby derivative in suits of armour we don't care for (as in article 13 of the document ;))

Although I do dispute whether anyone appointed by Gordon Brown could do a better or worse job than Bushco. to be honest...
 
Aea said:
That's funny; I spent a few days in London a few weeks back and I can tell you that about a third of the people I've met spoke proper English, the rest just sound like they popped a hot potato in their mouth and tried to speak.
Click to expand...

Congrats, you met what we call "A cockney". Cockney is an area in London where gangsters live. The police don't intervene because, and they're very strict on this, they only kill their own.
 
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