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Moral Dilemma- Go or stay?

What should I do next?

  • Leave

    Votes: 57 82.6%

  • Wait till surgery then take off

    Votes: 2 2.9%

  • Wait until after surgery to leave

    Votes: 5 7.2%

  • Stay and see what happens next

    Votes: 5 7.2%
  • Total voters
    69
Leareth

Leareth

macrumors 68000
Original poster
Nov 11, 2004
1,569
6
Vancouver
Since there seem to be lots of personal relationship post this month I though I would add my own.
Here is my issue.

My partner of 8 years is going for his third open heart surgery as soon as the hospital can find an OR, surgeon and donor. He has known this was coming for a few months. During those months he has blown all his savings, maxed out his credit cards, and spending most of his time drinking with his friends and sleeping with two women. Part of the reason is he has a 50/50 chance of surviving the surgery and if it successful maybe another five years to live. I, however am fed up with being responsible for the majority of bills, cleaning house, doing laundry, washing dishes etc. and being his care aid , while he spends his good moments away from the house. At this point it is not a relationship anymore unless you count a parasitic one. Oh I should mention I am trying to attend school full time and work to pay the bills. SO my question is what should I do next:

1)Leave ASAP
2)Wait till surgery then take off
3)Wait until after surgery to leave
4)Stay and see what happens next
 
Have you talked about this with him? If not, of course do so before making any final decisions on leaving. (I voted "leave" by the way)
That is colossally disrespectful, unfair and inconsiderate of him. If he can't give your relationship the consideration it deserves than what is there to stay for? I can understand going and doing some things as a final "live your life" moment but to those extremes and to someone I loved? Not a chance.
 
Leareth said:
Since there seem to be lots of personal relationship post this month I though I would add my own.
Here is my issue.

My partner of 8 years is going for his third open heart surgery as soon as the hospital can find an OR, surgeon and donor. He has known this was coming for a few months. During those months he has blown all his savings, maxed out his credit cards, and spending most of his time drinking with his friends and sleeping with two women. Part of the reason is he has a 50/50 chance of surviving the surgery and if it successful maybe another five years to live. I, however am fed up with being responsible for the majority of bills, cleaning house, doing laundry, washing dishes etc. and being his care aid , while he spends his good moments away from the house. At this point it is not a relationship anymore unless you count a parasitic one. Oh I should mention I am trying to attend school full time and work to pay the bills. SO my question is what should I do next:

1)Leave ASAP
2)Wait till surgery then take off
3)Wait until after surgery to leave
4)Stay and see what happens next
Click to expand...

As someone who is training to be a doctor, I think that maybe it should be realised what he is going through. Obviously however, I don't know all the details.

Perhaps the reason he has been doing those things is because he has had two massive operations, which can have an extremely profound affect on someone, and he really needs some support. Perhaps he needs professional help. I don't condone how you have been treated by him, not by any means, but if you have been together for 8 years, there must be some good points to the relationship - at least there must have been to begin with. In any case, if it is the emotial impact of what is happening to his body that is affecting his ability to act responsibly, this is understandable.

I know it must seem very difficult for you, but I think it would be wrong to leave at this stage. I think you should stay, try some things differently and possibly seek further help. It is clear that things are difficult for both of you, and believe me when I say, I understand. I have been in a very similar position before.

As I said, I do not know the details. So, if there is other things which you haven't shared with us on and would rather not, please take that into consideration when hearing my views.

David

P.S. Hope the situation improves.
 
Will the surgery be soon? You have a lot invested after 8 years, and if it'll be soon, it might be worth holding steady, unpleasant as it is, until the outcome is known. Those "medical life sentences" are so often wild guesses that it might all be over soon (sorry to be so blunt). But perhaps he'll surprise the doctors (I know a number of people who have done that) and be on the road back to health for many years to come.

Illness and fear of death can change people quite radically, and the person you got into the relationship with might still be in there. And despite the disrespect you are getting, there may be a hidden gratitude for your loyalty up until now that isn't being expressed, not to mention a likely dependence on your support.

It's kind of a double-or-nothing bet. If you leave, it costs you nothing more emotionally/financially. If you stay, it will cost you more, but offer a chance that you'll come out ahead in the long run.

From the brief description you've given us, you have complete justification to bail out now. I can't tell you that either decision is definitely right, but I wanted to make sure you considered the possibility that your partner is not himself under these extreme circumstances, and that things could change.

If you'll regret missing that chance, remote as it might seem right now, and you have the strength to stick it out a bit longer, I'd lean toward that recommendation.
 
If he's insured up to the eyeballs, stay for now. If he recovers from the surgery, leave him then.

I'm sorry if it sounds mercenary, but given how poorly he's treated you I think you're perfectly justified in putting your own interests first.
 
davidjearly said:
As someone who is training to be a doctor, I think that maybe it should be realised what he is going through. Obviously however, I don't know all the details.
Click to expand...

I appreciate all of the comments I have gotten thus far.

For you David a little more information, he has Marfan Syndrome, with one aortic aneurysm, two valve replacements, aortic root reconstruction, a double by-pass. And he isn't even thirty yet.

I am pissed at his behaviour because of the medication he is supposed to be taking does not mix well with the alcohol he is consuming. Plus the meds are $$$...

PS I got accepted in to med school and then left since I prefer dead people to living ones. Paleopathologist....;)

Jaffa Cake said:
If he's insured up to the eyeballs, stay for now. If he recovers from the surgery, leave him then.

I'm sorry if it sounds mercenary, but given how poorly he's treated you I think you're perfectly justified in putting your own interests first.
Click to expand...

Nope nobody will insure him...:cool:

I though about that if only to help pay back all his debts that I am going to be saddled with if he dies.
 
Leareth said:
I though about that if only to help pay back all his debts that I am going to be saddled with if he dies.
Click to expand...
If I were in the position where I wasn't sure if I was going to survive an illness, my biggest worry would be how the missus would manage after I was gone – and I'm sure most people would feel the same. The last thing that you'd want is for your nearest and dearest to inherit a mountain of debt.

He's treating you incredibly poorly to say the least, and I think you'd be perfectly justified in leaving him.
 
Leareth - how are you at dealing with guilt?
Can you handle causing him significant extra pain and grief in his last days/months?

No judgement here - just asking if, by leaving him now, you'd screw yourself up in the long run.
 
Leareth said:
I though about that if only to help pay back all his debts that I am going to be saddled with if he dies.
Click to expand...

That's all I had to hear, really. Leave him. He'll be a burden to you even after he dies. Just leave. Whether you ditch him before the surgery or after, I don't believe it'll matter. You can start living normally again without this much burden.

What are you studying?
 
He sounds like a jerk.

Is he using his illness as an excuse to be unfaithful? I, personally would draw the line right there. You'll really need to fold a paper in half and list on one side the pros and cons of staying with him, and on the other side, the pros and cons of ending the relationship. But from what I've been reading, it sounds like a toxic relationship.

What is stopping you from ending the relationship? And more importantly, do you foresee yourself living in a happy and fulfilling relationship with him the next 5 years?
 
If this is a marriage and your are jointly responsible for his debt, then I would
clearly establish that you are no longer responsible for his debt.

If he fears that he may not survive the surgery, then he should be concentrating on making the best of his time with you, not having one last fling with others.

When someone no longer respects your feelings or devotion to a relationship,
it's time to speak up and make your feelings known.
 
No doubt in my mind. Leave now. Anyone that treats their partner with that sort of contempt doesn't deserve support in return. Without mutual respect, there is no relationship. He can't love you and do this, so my feeling is that even without the surgery your partnership would have broken down badly eventually. All the surgery has done is hasten the breakdown.

Please go. You deserve much better.
 
What you have to do is to set dead lines first.

Tell him about the situation because he needs consuling and bad. When some one is going to die wants to do it in peace, what he is doing says a lot of he low morals specially the little consideration he has for you. How did you get together with him in first place?

You have to chack your self steem as well because you are the one who is letting things to go this far. If you were clear with your values you would clear things up a long time ago.

He is preparing himself to die, he is not preparing himself to live. That is the point of all this issue. If he were prepparing and had the will to live he would take care way more of his economics and overall situation. But obviously not.

What if he survive? because there is a big chance of that. what is he going to do then? no place to live, no job, debs all over... his life is going to be miserable. Is his will and he is draging you too.

So, be his friend but not his slave, you are not his mom and there are several ways to strait this up because if you are in this forum and asking is because you already realize is too much. What you are looking for is how do I deal with this.

For sure, if you plan to move on regarding protecting yourself from his destructive way of living, he should respect that.

Just protect yourself financially, you can still be there, probably he is a good guy and very confuse but is time to clean up the closet. Probably what he needs is peace and that is it.
 
Jaffa Cake said:
If he's insured up to the eyeballs, stay for now. If he recovers from the surgery, leave him then.

I'm sorry if it sounds mercenary, but given how poorly he's treated you I think you're perfectly justified in putting your own interests first.
Click to expand...

I agree with the talking biscuit. So he's cheated on you? twice? leave. If he has so little respect for you and himself then just get out of there (after surgery :p ). Like I've said before - treat him like he's treated you; a doormat. a push over who sounds like he might be using his surgery as a means to behave however he likes without any repercussions off you.
 
For some reason I don't think an online apple forum is going to help you make up your mind on leaving your husband. Talk to your friends, maybe even marriage counseling. I mean you two have been together for 8 years. That's half my entire life. I've never done something that long term in my life.

Put yourself in his feet and see what comes up? Maybe I'm not being helpful but I'm stirring the pot. WHen my parents divorced they weren't sleeping around or had Open Heart surgery but they just didn't work well together. I really don't know how the whole long term relationship thing works but it seems that you've sort of given up on the whole death thing and you're prepared for that.

Go with what you feel is right. An internet poll will never yeild true results as no one here actually knows the guy or anything.

Wise words of wisdom from a 16 year old :D
 
Does anyone gain by you going down with him? Those with destructive behavior often do not want to face it alone. Self-pity does not allow them to see beyond their own plight. Facing death is a difficult proposition for all of us, and it is hard for anyone to really know how they would react if placed in a similar position.

If I were confronted by a similar situation, I would give the person a fair ultimatum - either do a 180 or I am gone. It seems the worst thing you can do is come away with long-term feeling of guilt. Do not do that, whatever it takes.
 
SMM said:
Does anyone gain by you going down with him? Those with destructive behavior often do not want to face it alone. Self-pity does not allow them to see beyond their own plight. Facing death is a difficult proposition for all of us, and it is hard for anyone to really know how they would react if placed in a similar position.

If I were confronted by a similar situation, I would give the person a fair ultimatum - either do a 180 or I am gone. It seems the worst thing you can do is come away with long-term feeling of guilt. Do not do that, whatever it takes.
Click to expand...

Yeah, now I change my mind. Tell him he has to change, and if he doesn't, then leave. If you don't have this talk with him first, you'll feel guilty about abandoning him for the rest of your life. :eek:
 
Abstract said:
Yeah, now I change my mind. Tell him he has to change, and if he doesn't, then leave. If you don't have this talk with him first, you'll feel guilty about abandoning him for the rest of your life. :eek:
Click to expand...

And this is exactly what is bothering me the most, the abandonment/guilt issue. He has no family except his estranged half sister, his mother gave him up for adoption when he was 7, he was never adopted and raised in a succession of foster homes. His longest term foster parent head him from 9-14 and she then dumped him in another home when she had her own kid and moved. I feel that if I leave now it would be another person abandoning him when he gets too inconvenient.

I am exhausted emotionally and physically dealing with him but I cannot help feeling sorry for him, I think I am staying more out of pity than "love". though my mother and aunt ( all the family I have left ) do like him , my mother even calls him her son-in-law even though we are not married.
 
Abstract said:
TWhat are you studying?
Click to expand...

Finishing degree in Paleopathology, working on Phd in paleohistopathology

right now I am a ancient (paleo) DNA specialist, I do work on forensic cases what the normal lab can't handle and sometimes help collect remains in the field but mostly I am a labrat.

Spent last 9 years in University.
 
Leareth said:
And this is exactly what is bothering me the most, the abandonment/guilt issue. He has no family except his estranged half sister, his mother gave him up for adoption when he was 7, he was never adopted and raised in a succession of foster homes. His longest term foster parent head him from 9-14 and she then dumped him in another home when she had her own kid and moved. I feel that if I leave now it would be another person abandoning him when he gets too inconvenient.

I am exhausted emotionally and physically dealing with him but I cannot help feeling sorry for him, I think I am staying more out of pity than "love". though my mother and aunt ( all the family I have left ) do like him , my mother even calls him her son-in-law even though we are not married.
Click to expand...

Leareth -

If you were to leave, after having discussed this and giving him a fair chance, then it is not desertion. It is his actions which have forced this situation. He has an opportunity to decide what he thinks is of most importance. But, killing two people just doubles the tragedy. I think you will know in your heart if, and when to move on. When you do, make a vow not to regret your decision. If you move on, do not look back.
 
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