M: Im Walt Mossberg; shut up.
[Intro]
M: So, Steve Jobs, you just announced the fantastic iPad, to universal acclaim. Congratulations. How did you create such a game-changing device?
S: We spent ten years working on something really special, then after we made the iPhone, we decided to just make that bigger.
M: Breathtaking! Its so revolutionary!
S: No it isnt. We literally took the existing iPod touch, put in a faster processor and a bigger screen, and thats it. Okay? It is just a smartphone without the phone. But that doesnt matter, because no matter what we do, you *******sll buy it.
M: Well, we do have extra money, Steve. And I would love to give it to you.
S: Jesus, you see? For the last decade Ive been ****ing with you more and more to see if you notice, but none of you have. I stand on stage and say this is really really really great? and you think thats informative? What the hells wrong with you?
M: My wife tells me that my problem is that my penis is too small.
S: I have no problem believing that.
M: What do you have to say to people who dont think this is worth the money?
S: I could literally crap in my hand right now and youd call it revolutionary. Right?
M: Well, sure. Nobodys ever crapped in their hand before.
S: This is what Im saying. So why waste the R&D money?
M: When are people supposed to use the iPad?
S: When you want to read books, watch videos, or surf the web. Or use applications.
M: Should we still use the iPhone to do those things, too?
S: No, just the iPad.
M: So we dont need to buy the iPhone anymore?
S: No, you buy both. Obviously. Are you stupid?
M: Im just confused.
S: Okay, I will pretend my IQ is as low as yours and speak so you can understand. Youve already bought the iPhone; that purchase is in the past, and I already have the money. So I dont care about it. You buy the iPad NOW, and use it for 95% of the things you currently use the iPhone for. Get it? Its an upgrade, but you have to keep the previous product, and you need to keep paying the seventy dollars a month for the iPhone service, plus the thirty for the iPads 3G. Or Ill ****ing cut you.
M: Sounds good! Apples renowned for the way it develops the sell of its products. Its not just a music player, its 10,000 songs in your pocket. Things like that. How did you package the iPad, and determine the sales pitch for it?
S: We say Its the ultimate web browsing experience, but thats an obvious crock of ****; its got no flash, no java, no plugin architecture at all. The browsing experience is designed to get people to find all these missing pieces in what theyre used to daily, then be ushered to the app store, where they can pay for what they previously got for free. But ultimate sounds better than give us your credit card numbers, you idiots, right? Lookit, you literally cant search for text within a page in our browser, but I stand there on stage and say this is the best thing ever and everybody repeats the talking points as though theyre accurate in any way, or like Im leading a ****ing guided meditation. Youre like highly trained dogs. Its pathetic. I think the only advantage you have over an actual trained dog is that you use the toilet.
M: Im wearing Depends!
S: I can not describe my contempt for your entire industry, Milt.
M: Great! I am having a blast talking to you today, but I know youre busy, so Ill close with this question: will you autograph my chest?
S: No.
M: My scrotum?
S: Frigtard.
