Short 2 min Observational Doc. For Uni

[acearchie]

Hi guys,

I have always appreciated the comments and feedback from this forum so I was wondering if anyone had anything good or bad to say about this short little piece I had to make for my university course?

http://www.vimeo.com/24604967

Thanks,

Archie

 

[Babybandit]

I like it! There were some shots that were really powerful. My only suggestion is that the soundtrack felt too loud at times. Some more Diegetic sound would really help add depth to the documentary.

But really, it was a great piece for a very simple man. I like it!

 

[KeithPratt]

The music doesn't seem like a good fit. The car wash shots were shaky and a bit haphazard and didn't give the sense that he was taking particular care. It's lacking a narrative and didn't show anything peculiar about this guy or a wedding car business in this village.

But I liked that it wasn't telegraphed that we were going to a wedding, and it started to pick up a rhythm after the ceremony. It may have been due to practical constraints, but I liked the absence of diegetic sound and narration.

I think a stylised approach might have worked better than a verite one, along with a more lively tempo.

 

[acearchie]

I like it! There were some shots that were really powerful. My only suggestion is that the soundtrack felt too loud at times. Some more Diegetic sound would really help add depth to the documentary.

But really, it was a great piece for a very simple man. I like it!

Thanks for the comments. I guess the soundtrack is a bit of a personal preference. Plus I thought the sounds really suit the setting so I thought I would pump the volume! Could you perhaps elaborate on the powerful shots just so I know for the future? I thought about more diegetic sound but it was either nothing or the guy rambling on about his car and there were no "gem" comments to put in!

The music doesn't seem like a good fit. The car wash shots were shaky and a bit haphazard and didn't give the sense that he was taking particular care. It's lacking a narrative and didn't show anything peculiar about this guy or a wedding car business in this village.

But I liked that it wasn't telegraphed that we were going to a wedding, and it started to pick up a rhythm after the ceremony. It may have been due to practical constraints, but I liked the absence of diegetic sound and narration.

I think a stylised approach might have worked better than a verite one, along with a more lively tempo.

Thanks for your feedback. I'm sorry that you weren't keen on my music choice, my lecturer liked it so I got the points there. What style of music would you have liked? I didn't aim for them to be shaky but I don't own a tripod so I had to go for handheld. When you say it's lacking narrative what do you mean? Surely it's telling a story from him washing the car, getting dressed and picking up the bride and groom?

I did sort of want an absence of diegetic sound (although at the beginning there is a bit) because I thought the music was very powerful.

I will have to research some more abstract shots. How would you have turned it into a more stylised piece? I haven't shot many short films so this was just an experiment to see what I could create when I knew that I had minimal control over what the subject did and where he moved.

 

[KeithPratt]

When you say it's lacking narrative what do you mean? Surely it's telling a story from him washing the car, getting dressed and picking up the bride and groom?

If we were sat round the camp fire and I said, "Right, I've got one. A man washes his beautiful old Bentley and then picks up a bride and groom from their wedding," would you feel like I'd told you a story?

When the events are as unremarkable as this, you have to find something interesting under the surface, something that in the busyness of our day-to-day lives we'd normally overlook, and bring it to our attention. That's what the story is really about.

The other issue I have as far as narrative goes is that part way through we switch perspectives to the wedding, and the end seems to fit that, rather than giving a resolution to the story of the man and his car.

I'm sorry that you weren't keen on my music choice, my lecturer liked it so I got the points there. What style of music would you have liked?

I found it moribund. Is that how the man feels? Is it how we should feel? I assumed not, so felt it didn't fit.


As a bit of additional advice, I'd recommend you canvas the opinions of regular folk you don't know. They won't be impressed by tracking shots like your filmmaking peers, or by the fact that you've made something that looks like what they see on TV as your family would — they'll look at the film as a whole, and tell you if they found it interesting, funny, heartbreaking or boring.

 

[Babybandit]

Thanks for the comments. I guess the soundtrack is a bit of a personal preference. Plus I thought the sounds really suit the setting so I thought I would pump the volume! Could you perhaps elaborate on the powerful shots just so I know for the future? I thought about more diegetic sound but it was either nothing or the guy rambling on about his car and there were no "gem" comments to put in!
.

I guess 'Powerful' wasn't the best word, but some shots really stood out to 'work'. But shots like the reveal of the car @ 00:24 was excellent. I loved the shot at 00:41 when he washes the car, and you could subtly see his reflection from the car's surface. It totally puts the two of them together. Personally, I would then have taken out the shot of the mirror.

I understand about the personal preference! I just... felt there was such a potential to be explored there. Of course, you don't have to use his mumble-jumble about cars (Though it would really show his love for it!). You could opt for using foley / additional tracks of the Sponge + Water, birds whistling and so on. But irregardless. It's still a great video!

And I see you had lots of fun with the Bokeh Video! That was actually really clever! Loved it!

By the way, the Spammer reminded me : Could you please add my Videos into the Macrumors Short Film Section? Thanks! (Yeah, he copied my post .)

 

[acearchie]

If we were sat round the camp fire and I said, "Right, I've got one. A man washes his beautiful old Bentley and then picks up a bride and groom from their wedding," would you feel like I'd told you a story?

The other issue I have as far as narrative goes is that part way through we switch perspectives to the wedding, and the end seems to fit that, rather than giving a resolution to the story of the man and his car.

When you put it like that it makes a lot more sense and I take on board what you are saying!

I found it moribund. Is that how the man feels? Is it how we should feel? I assumed not, so felt it didn't fit.

As a bit of additional advice, I'd recommend you canvas the opinions of regular folk you don't know. They won't be impressed by tracking shots like your filmmaking peers, or by the fact that you've made something that looks like what they see on TV as your family would — they'll look at the film as a whole, and tell you if they found it interesting, funny, heartbreaking or boring.

That's why I came here. It's true that I know that I will get a thumbs up from my friends so I was expecting some constructive criticism here. I was hoping people would find faults as if everyone had just said "nice video" I would have nothing to learn to improve the next one.

I guess 'Powerful' wasn't the best word, but some shots really stood out to 'work'. But shots like the reveal of the car @ 00:24 was excellent. I loved the shot at 00:41 when he washes the car, and you could subtly see his reflection from the car's surface. It totally puts the two of them together. Personally, I would then have taken out the shot of the mirror.

I understand about the personal preference! I just... felt there was such a potential to be explored there. Of course, you don't have to use his mumble-jumble about cars (Though it would really show his love for it!). You could opt for using foley / additional tracks of the Sponge + Water, birds whistling and so on. But irregardless. It's still a great video!

And I see you had lots of fun with the Bokeh Video! That was actually really clever! Loved it!

Thanks for the points they have been very insightful.

By the way, the Spammer reminded me : Could you please add my Videos into the Macrumors Short Film Section? Thanks! (Yeah, he copied my post .)

I will add the films but I should let you know that the thread has been "dead" for a while! Don't expect thousands of views!

Thanks again to the both of you for being honest without slating my work! I have probably learnt more from this thread than all my lectures last week!

 

[Babybandit]

t I should let you know that the thread has been "dead" for a while! Don't expect thousands of views!

Thanks again to the both of you for being honest without slating my work! I have probably learnt more from this thread than all my lectures last week!

Constructive Comments are a lot more important than views. Though I've had none .

I'm glad to have helped you learn and develop even if it's only small things. But yes, You've inspired me to make a video of someone's occupation as a practice. . Thanks for the idea! See? Learning goes both ways!