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Sibling trouble

C

canwe3

macrumors member
Original poster
Oct 3, 2012
67
0
I'm 24yrs old and have a older sister. She doesn't give a crap about me and we don't talk to each other. She's your typical blonde airhead type of girl, everytime we talk I get angry. Anyway I been ignoring her calls for 19months or so and my plan was to never speak to her again since she ONLY calls if she needs something or someone to talk to while she's having emotional problems. Like I said she doesn't give a **** about me and when I do call her she ignores me unless she needs me. Basically this is one side relationship and I have no reason to deal with her bs.

The problem I'm facing right now is that my parents are always bothering me why I'm not talking to my sister and I pretty much just ignore everytime my parents bring it up. Was I in the wrong? I feel like I made the right choice, she was a poison to me. Never cared about me so why the hell should I give crap about someone who I don't get along with? just because she's my blood? well she treats her friends and random ppl way better than me but I still want to hear different insights. I can live fine without her in my life! I don't want to do anything with her.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
TSE said:
... have you talked to her or your parents about it?
Click to expand...

yes but didn't say it directly like this thread. Seemed kinda harsh but I did tell them. Talking to them won't solve anything. She is who she is and I don't want to deal with her.
 
You need to be direct and say exactly what you said in this thread. No passive aggressive BS. If they don't respond with change, and you really don't get any benefit from coming into contact with whoever, then cut whoever out of your life. Simple as.
 
TSE said:
You need to be direct and say exactly what you said in this thread. No passive aggressive BS. If they don't respond with change, and you really don't get any benefit from coming into contact with whoever, then cut whoever out of your life. Simple as.
Click to expand...

It's good to know that complex human interactions, about which you only know one side of the story, are "Simple as...".

All that messy complexity...actually knowing something about the entire situation...it's all too messy, so keep it "simple as...".
 
Are you wrong? Who knows. When something terrible happens you may regret your decisions. You seem fairly selfish as well. Based on limited information that you've delivered here.

I feel like you want a pat on the back or a high five and a hug for your decision. I'm not sure you're in the right place though. Good luck.
 
My grandfather and his sister never talked or never saw each other, even though they lived in the same retirement home. They would pass each other in the halls or at meals and wouldn't say two words to each other, probably due to some 70 year old grudge. I doubt either of them could even remember why, that's just the way it was their entire adult life. She was hospitalized a couple weeks ago and was not given long to live at all, and when he went to visit her in the hospital, it was like they were best friends. She passed away today at 98, and the last time I saw my grandfather this depressed and upset was when my grandmother died.

My point is, life's too short to have grudges. Maybe if you make an effort, she will too, because you don't want to have any regrets 70 years from now.
 
Shrink said:
It's good to know that complex human interactions, about which you only know one side of the story, are "Simple as...".

All that messy complexity...actually knowing something about the entire situation...it's all too messy, so keep it "simple as...".
Click to expand...

I meant that in a general sense with general human interaction. If someone does something that you really do not enjoy to be around or it's a pain to interact with them, tell them, and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. No need to interact with someone that causes you pain.

Of course it's probably more complex than that, otherwise he wouldn't have made a thread about it... I just meant that in a general sense.
 
canwe3 said:
Was I in the wrong? I feel like I made the right choice, she was a poison to me. Never cared about me so why the hell should I give crap about someone who I don't get along with? just because she's my blood?
Click to expand...

I think you're right. You should continue to take the low road.
 
Family is family, no matter how you look at it. I have 4 brothers and could never imagine not wanting to talk to them. We have been tight our whole lives. Yes, I have one brother that can drive me crazy, but I have learned to ignore what bothers me about him. This keeps the peace and allows for good family visits. My parents always taught me that family is important and that you only ever have one.

Your sister may not be perfect, but you have to respect that. And the fact that she may never change. Be the bigger person and ignore her quirks. Yeah it may drive you crazy but at least you will have some harmony in the family.
 
I do believe that you owe her more than you do an outsider. We understand it's frustrating when you take the time to help family and they won't listen. You're not responsible for the decisions she makes but you do have the opportunity to be the bigger person here, even if it's only to honor your parents -- who advise you based on a lifetime of their own mistakes. I'm not saying bail her out of her mistakes just be her brother.
 
firedept said:
Family is family, no matter how you look at it. I have 4 brothers and could never imagine not wanting to talk to them. We have been tight our whole lives. Yes, I have one brother that can drive me crazy, but I have learned to ignore what bothers me about him. This keeps the peace and allows for good family visits. My parents always taught me that family is important and that you only ever have one.

Your sister may not be perfect, but you have to respect that. And the fact that she may never change. Be the bigger person and ignore her quirks. Yeah it may drive you crazy but at least you will have some harmony in the family.
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designs216 said:
I do believe that you owe her more than you do an outsider. We understand it's frustrating when you take the time to help family and they won't listen. You're not responsible for the decisions she makes but you do have the opportunity to be the bigger person here, even if it's only to honor your parents -- who advise you based on a lifetime of their own mistakes. I'm not saying bail her out of her mistakes just be her brother.
Click to expand...

Excellent advice.
 
canwe3 said:
Was I in the wrong?
Never cared about me so why the hell should I give crap about someone who I don't get along with?
I can live fine without her in my life! I don't want to do anything with her.
Click to expand...

I'm not sure who you are trying to convince here? You or us?

I haven't spoken to my sister for years, probably never will. Do I want to start a thread about it for peoples advice or approval? No need.
 
TSE said:
Of course it's probably more complex than that, otherwise he wouldn't have made a thread about it... I just meant that in a general sense.
Click to expand...
It's only complicated because of my parents.
firedept said:
Family is family
Click to expand...
you clearly never had a family who treated you badly.
designs216 said:
I do believe that you owe her
Click to expand...
I don't owe her anything.
Apple fanboy said:
I'm not sure who you are trying to convince here? You or us?

I haven't spoken to my sister for years, probably never will. Do I want to start a thread about it for peoples advice or approval? No need.
Click to expand...
I guess I wanted to see if I was a bad person or doing the right thing. My parents made it sound like I"m the bad person cause I cut contacts with her but they don't know the abuse I had to deal with. It's pretty much clear now in my head, I'm going to continue what I"m doing cause I don't need someone like that in my life. Makes me angry just thinking about it. Agh!
 
People should never feel obligated to maintain contact with family just because they are family. My own experiences have taught me that human relationships are not based on blood, but rather who you connect with. There are lots of people who consider non-blood friends to be more valuable than certain family members.
 
You may not be correct in saying that I have never had family treat me badly. I have a very large family. There were 17 children in my moms family and 13 children in my dads family. So needless to say my extended family is in the hundreds. But I have also learned to be prepared and ahead of the people who had done bad by me.

It is more about respect. Whether they give you the same respect back, is another issue. You have to stand tall. This is why I say you have to be the bigger person. Know when it is time to leave a conversation that is bothering you. Know when to leave as well when someones quirks start to annoy you. There is always a way out.

This will save the peace in the family. I have learned to listen to family problems, but have also learned in my older years to not give advice on how to deal with those problems. This way you can never be accused of making the problem bigger.

My first line of defense when it comes to family is either leave when it becomes heated or just plain outright tell them to leave me out of it as I have my own problems to deal with and do not need more added to my list. You do this straight outright and with honesty a couple of times, they usually learn to keep you out of it.

Especially if you leave if they will not listen to your request. Don't leave rudely, just quietly say it is time for you to go. Let them know you will talk to them again soon. Call a couple of days later and usually the conversation is pretty calm.

Each and every person deals with family differently. My wife's only brother has not talked to her in several years and I can tell she is hurt by it. She has made many attempts to talk to him but to no avail. It is ashamed to see as it is the only living family my wife has .My wife has taken my family pretty much as her own since.

I am just letting you know how I deal with my family. It has kept us tight since childhood. I still say family is family. In no way am I telling you this is a route to take as it may not work for you no matter what. Too me, family is important.
 
I would just use the honest and direct approach. You need to remain calm and not make accusations as you will get nowhere. Rather it just needs to be a frank discussion.

I'm not saying you will be best pals. You can at least be on civil terms.

I have a bad relationship with my sister. But have managed a lot of peace in my life by doing as I suggest. I keep conversations to a minimum.

If she does start to anger me. Rather than being quite and shutting down I tell her directly that I am getting upset with her and then tell her why. In a calm direct manner.

If it doesn't work or help at least you gave it a try. You will have something to respond to your parents with. Let them know your feelings about her too and what you are trying to do to resolve them for at least a perfunctory relationship.
 
I might have missed this in the thread, but have you talked to about this?
Either a family meeting with your parents or a sit down meeting in a neutral place with her and lay your issues on the table.
 
Complicated things like this which touch sacred parts of the soul, don't get solved by requesting and getting advice in a forum. In my opinion you should get advice or treatment from a psychologist or psychiatrist. I 'd like also to add that from my very little experience and from people I know and I care about, problems with siblings are deep inside problems with parents which people can't or refuse to address. In other words the anger you have towards your sister may be anger towards your parents.
Pardon me if any of the above bothered you.
 
I've not talked to my sister for years, I dislike most things she say's with a passion but if anything were to happen to her I'd be on the next flight out.
 
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