Since I have seen some similar threads around lately, I thought I would hit upon the wisdom of MR members for advice on the following problem:
(historical context)
I have had a friend, a girl, for about six years now. We are very close, although it is somewhat of a mystery why. I originally met her when I was her boss many years ago. She, at the time, was having a hard time of things, so I took time out to support her and help her through some issues she was having. During this time, I got to know her better, and she me - and we became friends, despite the fact that we have few interests in common and I am six years older than her. Although we briefly had a sexual relationship, it was ill-advised and had not been an issue since (it has been five years). Although we have grown progressively closer, there has always been an intense and tumultous aspect to our relationship - with drama and blow-ups, mostly coming from her, but I am sure I have done my part to act as a catalyst. Despite all this, we retained a special bond - one which I don't completely understand.
Now, I truly believe that this girl is a special person, and deserves to be happy. Unfortunately, she has had a rough run of things - poor parents, abusive boyfriends, self-image problems and health issues (cancer and an eating disorder among them). I have stuck with her through this all, as someone to confide in, and have occasionally exerted great efforts on her behalf. Though it has been very difficult, and although I often don't know what I am doing, I have done my best to be a good friend to her.
We go out for drinks, talk about our problems, our significant others and generally share things with each other we wouldn't with anyone else. As far as her various problems go, I have learned to take a more passive role in helping her with them, as I am often not sure what to do and don't want to meddle - I have just made it clear she can always contact me and I will listen and do what I can. Sometimes, when she seems to be doing particularily bad, I might mention something and gently prod her to talk about it.
Our relationship has gone though phases - first we were co-workers, then she inexplicably hated me, then we became almost inseperable. Then I moved 2000 miles away, and we only spoke on the phone - intially a few times a week, then perhaps once a month or so. She constantly asked me to come back to Austin, although I can't say how serious she was. I would usually come back and visit Austin once or twice a year (not to specifically see her), and we would hang out then - like two peas in a pod.
At the beginning of this year my life brought me back to Austin to live, which excited her to no end. She put me up in her apt. for several weeks while I found a place and waited for my belongings to arrive from being shipped. We shared her one bedroom place, and slept in the same bed - and all was fine. We occasionally got into arguments in the morning and resoved them in the evening. I encouraged her to start dating again, and she met a nice guy and was really happy. During this time we had a few heart-to-heart talks and she told me that I was the "love of her life", although that should not be taken as anything romantic/sexual - as she has not looked that way at me in years. I told her I loved her too, as I have fairly often over the years. It was nice - and we shared some issues and stories with each other, as we always had.
Then I got my apt and moved out. She broke up with her boyfriend (well, he might have done it), but stlll seemed happy. We would go out and get drinks, as usual. One night, over some wine, she explained that she had been doing pretty poorly before I arrived and that me living with her for a few weeks had "saved her life". The seriousness of her delivery made me a little uncomfortable, but kinda flattered. I let it go. Life went on.
As the next few months went by, a got a girlfriend and she returned my calls less and less (she didn't know about the girlfriend initially - so no casuality). She still called me occasionally, however, and really helped me through a rough patch I was having dealing with a family emergency.
So, last week, we were out for drinks and I mentioned I'd like to come by her place and pick up some clothes I'd left behind when I'd moved. She said fine, anytime - since we both have keys to each other's apts. She warned me that her place was messy, however, and that people weren't usually allowed over.
A couple of days later, I stop by her apt while she is at work to pick up my clothes. I find that her apt is trashed - dishes piled up - fruit flies - clothes strewn everywhere - clogged bathroom sink - and misc. debris everywhere.
I wondered how I was going to find my clothes. So I began a long clean up project. I picked up all the clothes off the floor, folded them and stacked them on the bed (and found my clothes). I did the dishes, took out the garbage, fixed the sink, vacuumed and generally cleaned up. I left a note, and left.
At 2am, I get a message from her to call me - and she is sobbing. I get in my car and drive over to her place and she is upset about something. She is upset about me cleaning up her apt, although she is also thankful. I have the impression that I have done the wrong thing. I apologize and offer her her key back - and leave oddly disturbed. I get another call 30 minutes later of her still sobbing and saying something incomprehensible. I drive back over there and ask her what the hell is going on. She explains that "she can't take it anymore", which thouroughly confuses me. I question, and she explains that I have been her hero for all this time, and that she is dependent on me - that I am worse than cocaine. She says our relationship is over, even though it is the hardest thing she has ever done. Now confused and worried, I try to ask her to clarify - but end up just quietly walking out.
So this brings us to the present. I am not sure what to think, or what to do. I am wondering if I should feel guilty - if I did someting wrong here. I just don't understand her "hero' comment, and even less her "dependency" comments, as I have spent half of our relationship thousands of miles away, and even when in the same city, we talk relatively infrequently (at least in modern times). She sorts out almost all of her life's problems' on her own - I certainly don't solve them - even the one's she asks me advice about. I just don't understand what is going on.
What to do? She is obviously important to me, and I would like to have her in my life, but if I am causing her problems - I don't want to be. Am I causing her problems? Or am I being scapegoated or something else? Should I attempt to talk to her again? Or should I just let it go? She has some serious problems in her life, and I want to make sure she has someone to go to. She won't go to therapy - and the rest of her friends are somewhat shallow (perhaps deliberately). Am I a bad person to continue trying, or am I a bad person by doing nothing now?
Am I missing something huge here? Have I been a negative influence all this time? It should be said, I have no want to "save" her (or anyone), and even if I did, realistically I couldn't. I just really think that she is a wonderful person, and have consciously just made the effort to be there for her over the years, as she has been for me. I have tried to be a good friend, under difficult circumstances that I didn't understand. I have made a good many mistakes along the way, but they have never sunken the ship before. Have I been a huge a**hole and not even known it? A huge idiot?
Comments? Suggestions?
Sorry this is all such a rambling, excessively long mess. I guess it is juat important to me, and is obviously on my mind.
(historical context)
I have had a friend, a girl, for about six years now. We are very close, although it is somewhat of a mystery why. I originally met her when I was her boss many years ago. She, at the time, was having a hard time of things, so I took time out to support her and help her through some issues she was having. During this time, I got to know her better, and she me - and we became friends, despite the fact that we have few interests in common and I am six years older than her. Although we briefly had a sexual relationship, it was ill-advised and had not been an issue since (it has been five years). Although we have grown progressively closer, there has always been an intense and tumultous aspect to our relationship - with drama and blow-ups, mostly coming from her, but I am sure I have done my part to act as a catalyst. Despite all this, we retained a special bond - one which I don't completely understand.
Now, I truly believe that this girl is a special person, and deserves to be happy. Unfortunately, she has had a rough run of things - poor parents, abusive boyfriends, self-image problems and health issues (cancer and an eating disorder among them). I have stuck with her through this all, as someone to confide in, and have occasionally exerted great efforts on her behalf. Though it has been very difficult, and although I often don't know what I am doing, I have done my best to be a good friend to her.
We go out for drinks, talk about our problems, our significant others and generally share things with each other we wouldn't with anyone else. As far as her various problems go, I have learned to take a more passive role in helping her with them, as I am often not sure what to do and don't want to meddle - I have just made it clear she can always contact me and I will listen and do what I can. Sometimes, when she seems to be doing particularily bad, I might mention something and gently prod her to talk about it.
Our relationship has gone though phases - first we were co-workers, then she inexplicably hated me, then we became almost inseperable. Then I moved 2000 miles away, and we only spoke on the phone - intially a few times a week, then perhaps once a month or so. She constantly asked me to come back to Austin, although I can't say how serious she was. I would usually come back and visit Austin once or twice a year (not to specifically see her), and we would hang out then - like two peas in a pod.
At the beginning of this year my life brought me back to Austin to live, which excited her to no end. She put me up in her apt. for several weeks while I found a place and waited for my belongings to arrive from being shipped. We shared her one bedroom place, and slept in the same bed - and all was fine. We occasionally got into arguments in the morning and resoved them in the evening. I encouraged her to start dating again, and she met a nice guy and was really happy. During this time we had a few heart-to-heart talks and she told me that I was the "love of her life", although that should not be taken as anything romantic/sexual - as she has not looked that way at me in years. I told her I loved her too, as I have fairly often over the years. It was nice - and we shared some issues and stories with each other, as we always had.
Then I got my apt and moved out. She broke up with her boyfriend (well, he might have done it), but stlll seemed happy. We would go out and get drinks, as usual. One night, over some wine, she explained that she had been doing pretty poorly before I arrived and that me living with her for a few weeks had "saved her life". The seriousness of her delivery made me a little uncomfortable, but kinda flattered. I let it go. Life went on.
As the next few months went by, a got a girlfriend and she returned my calls less and less (she didn't know about the girlfriend initially - so no casuality). She still called me occasionally, however, and really helped me through a rough patch I was having dealing with a family emergency.
So, last week, we were out for drinks and I mentioned I'd like to come by her place and pick up some clothes I'd left behind when I'd moved. She said fine, anytime - since we both have keys to each other's apts. She warned me that her place was messy, however, and that people weren't usually allowed over.
A couple of days later, I stop by her apt while she is at work to pick up my clothes. I find that her apt is trashed - dishes piled up - fruit flies - clothes strewn everywhere - clogged bathroom sink - and misc. debris everywhere.
I wondered how I was going to find my clothes. So I began a long clean up project. I picked up all the clothes off the floor, folded them and stacked them on the bed (and found my clothes). I did the dishes, took out the garbage, fixed the sink, vacuumed and generally cleaned up. I left a note, and left.
At 2am, I get a message from her to call me - and she is sobbing. I get in my car and drive over to her place and she is upset about something. She is upset about me cleaning up her apt, although she is also thankful. I have the impression that I have done the wrong thing. I apologize and offer her her key back - and leave oddly disturbed. I get another call 30 minutes later of her still sobbing and saying something incomprehensible. I drive back over there and ask her what the hell is going on. She explains that "she can't take it anymore", which thouroughly confuses me. I question, and she explains that I have been her hero for all this time, and that she is dependent on me - that I am worse than cocaine. She says our relationship is over, even though it is the hardest thing she has ever done. Now confused and worried, I try to ask her to clarify - but end up just quietly walking out.
So this brings us to the present. I am not sure what to think, or what to do. I am wondering if I should feel guilty - if I did someting wrong here. I just don't understand her "hero' comment, and even less her "dependency" comments, as I have spent half of our relationship thousands of miles away, and even when in the same city, we talk relatively infrequently (at least in modern times). She sorts out almost all of her life's problems' on her own - I certainly don't solve them - even the one's she asks me advice about. I just don't understand what is going on.
What to do? She is obviously important to me, and I would like to have her in my life, but if I am causing her problems - I don't want to be. Am I causing her problems? Or am I being scapegoated or something else? Should I attempt to talk to her again? Or should I just let it go? She has some serious problems in her life, and I want to make sure she has someone to go to. She won't go to therapy - and the rest of her friends are somewhat shallow (perhaps deliberately). Am I a bad person to continue trying, or am I a bad person by doing nothing now?
Am I missing something huge here? Have I been a negative influence all this time? It should be said, I have no want to "save" her (or anyone), and even if I did, realistically I couldn't. I just really think that she is a wonderful person, and have consciously just made the effort to be there for her over the years, as she has been for me. I have tried to be a good friend, under difficult circumstances that I didn't understand. I have made a good many mistakes along the way, but they have never sunken the ship before. Have I been a huge a**hole and not even known it? A huge idiot?
Comments? Suggestions?
Sorry this is all such a rambling, excessively long mess. I guess it is juat important to me, and is obviously on my mind.
