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'time-traveler' Busted For Insider Trading

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iWantAMac

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'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003

By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.



http://tv.yahoo.com/news/wwn/20030319/104808600007.html
 
I always like to think that if I had a time machine I'd take modern Macs plus tech documents on media formats back to Steve and Steve during the garage days. Then I could return to a future when Apple ran the computer market and everything integrated perfectly. Of course, part of the deal for me supplying the info would include a lifetime of free Apple products. :)

Dan
 
Originally posted by alset
I always like to think that if I had a time machine I'd take modern Macs plus tech documents on media formats back to Steve and Steve during the garage days. Then I could return to a future when Apple ran the computer market and everything integrated perfectly. Of course, part of the deal for me supplying the info would include a lifetime of free Apple products. :)

Dan
Click to expand...


Sad thing is, I've thought of doing the exact same thing, hehe. And also doing the same thing with Sega. Take back the Dreamcast to 1985. That'd surely blow the NES out of the water. :)

But then you have the whole time paradox stuff where even if one tiny miniscule thing is changed, the entire future could turn out different.

I think it'd be worth it though, for a world of 82374923847239487 THz PowerMac G3894723's and a 892493827439423487 bit Sega game system. :)

enoch

also, notice that on the page of that link/story it says "Weekly World News." I didn't know Yahoo was in the tabloid business now.
 
uuuuhhhh....

Weekly World News? That's the same paper that broke the Bat Boy story, and had those exclusive Chupacabra pictures...

Oddly enough, the London Times reports that the SEC has never heard of Andrew Carlssin. Perhaps this story, itself, is from the future?
 
damn, he should have sold his stock and moved out of the country. this guy had to know he would get caught sometime or another.

iJon
 
Re: uuuuhhhh....

Originally posted by marcsiry
Weekly World News? That's the same paper that broke the Bat Boy story, and had those exclusive Chupacabra pictures...
Click to expand...
Weekly World News uses the same dictionary as Fox News to define "News"
 
damn, this is from wwn. this is all made up then. it is by far the best thing to read though. i always read a copy at walmart when im checking out. its so much fun to read, i wonder if they have ever had a true story. bat boy is great. i think the best story is when they said the us goverment is using bat boy to capture afgans in caves because of his special powers of bats or whatever.

iJon
 
Originally posted by Dont Hurt Me
I think if he can give us osam bin laden then we should let him go back to the future! but not with the 350 million.
Click to expand...

Oh let him have the money. Two hundred years from now that much money won't even buy one of those little plastic cars everyone will be driving.
 
I have a good friend who works at the SEC, he hasn't heard about it internally and even said that in today's market it would be near impossible to go from 800 to 350,000,000 in 2 weeks.

Oh, and the article was from yahoo, but came via the weekly world news....;)


D
 
inflation...but

yeah, sure if he just took the money into the time machine, but imagine if he put the 350 million into a bank account now, and went back to 2245 or whatever. that would be waaaaay more than 350 million then.
 
Originally posted by iJon
damn, this is from wwn. this is all made up then. it is by far the best thing to read though. i always read a copy at walmart when im checking out. its so much fun to read, i wonder if they have ever had a true story. bat boy is great. i think the best story is when they said the us goverment is using bat boy to capture afgans in caves because of his special powers of bats or whatever.

iJon
Click to expand...

On occasion they do have a true story. Many, many years ago they ran a story titled "LITTLE GIRL BURIED IN PLAYHOUSE TOMB!" which was an overly dramatic description (with pictures) of a site in my tiny Alabama hometown. Decades ago, a little local girl died, of scarlet fever, I think, near Christmas. All she had wanted for Christmas was a playhouse. So her father built a small brick playhouse over her grave site. The family maintains the playhouse. If I recall correctly, every Christmas they put new toys (dolls, stuffed animals and the like) in the playhouse and donate last year's toys to needy children.

Nothing so unbelievable as Bat Boy or time travelers, but it does demonstrate that at one time, at least, they did occasionally put in something with a basis in fact. For all I know, they did that in a bunch of small towns and put one such story in each issue so that their readers would see it and assume that the other stuff must be true. I think this was before they realized that more people would read them for humor than would take them seriously.
 
I don't know if anyone has seen this or not, but the same exact thing happened in Timecop. A guy travelled back to the stock market crash, and was doing the exact same thing with a modern copy of US Weekly. But before the timecops got him, he killed himself.
 
But if you actually think about it - why didn't he go back to say 92 or 93 and buy a ton of AOL, Netscape, Ebay, etc..... - AOL before jan 2000, split a ton of times, making it 128 times the original number of shares and peaked at over $100. Buy stock at $2 share, 400 shares and $100 pershare with the splits only turns into a little over 5 million. Not all that much and no where near the 350 million. And that's in 8 years!

D
 
This reminds me of the movie "Back to the Future," when, in 2015, Martie wants to buy an Almanac that tells who won all sports games, so that he could win tons of bets in 1985.

As for this other story, I think that it is probably not true.
 
a friend of mine was a victim of the "chair of death" in the wwn a couple years ago. she knew some photographer who put her picture in as someone from florida. we put it up on the call board at the theatre. everyone got a good kick out of it.
 
Re: 'Time-Traveler' Busted For Insider Trading

Originally posted by iWantAMac
'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003

By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.



http://tv.yahoo.com/news/wwn/20030319/104808600007.html
Click to expand...

i am speechless.
 
Re: inflation...but

Originally posted by altair
yeah, sure if he just took the money into the time machine, but imagine if he put the 350 million into a bank account now, and went back to 2245 or whatever. that would be waaaaay more than 350 million then.
Click to expand...

maybe so but this story is a little far fetched. I mean what, in the first day he maybe makes $20 profit and then he can keep doubling over last amount... ect... if he was from the future and has the daily stock prices he could do it.
 
If time travel was even possible i think we are a lot further then 200 years from it. Maybe 2,000 years at best. If possible that is. Then again maybe he could tell me where to make a stock purchase?
 
Unbelievable. What with all the sadness in the news, I honestly wish this one was true. I simply can't imagine the media circus at a trial like that. Wow.

Hey Gelfin, from where in Alabama are you and how did you manage to get out. I'm trying to achieve the same feat right now. :)
 
So are you sure this story is made up? Because two of you said you asked friends who worked there etc..
If I could talk to someone from future I'd ask him to get me some data that could bring me lotsa money and I'd just enjoy macs :D
 
Thanks for the post! That was the funniest thing that I have read in a long time!!! <OK, I don't get out much>
 
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