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To Fully Move-Out or Not...? (need some advice)

sikkinixx

sikkinixx

macrumors 68020
Original poster
Jul 10, 2005
2,062
0
Rocketing through the sky!
well the folks here on MR have been helpful over the years so what the hell


Here's my situation.

My girlfriend moved here to the west coast from the east coast in January. I still live at home since I am in University yet my parents were awesome in letting her live with us while she got settled here and found work and saved up a bit of cash etc. (I basically have a basement suite at my folks place so it allowed privacy for both sides) So in August she was settled into her job, had some cash, some furniture, found a nice place and Sept. 1st she moved out with me kind of in limbo.

In limbo I mean I have stuff both at her/our place and at my parents place. I have stayed with her basically every night since she moved out. She pays the rent while we split the cable/phone/internet/food but since I work part-time and will for some time since I have 2 years until I can begin my graduate studies paying for some of the bills is not an issue.

Today my mom told me that I need to either **** or get off the pot (although in a nicer way) since if I don't wanna use my old room at their place, they would be able to use it. She doesn't wanna 'kick me out' but I have some furniture and such that I could use at the gf's place and since I am there 99% of the time anyway....

But I'm finding it kind of hard. Part of me doesn't wanna move out 100%. It's kind of a safety net I suppose that I still have my bed etc back at the folks place that I can bail to if needed. I also feel kind of guilty since my gf is paying the lions share of the bills but I can't really pay more since cost of life as a student (gas/parking/time spent in school not making $$$) is costly.

The whole relationship has been a rush (a long 7 years of talking online/phone, but after seeing eachother only twice she moved here :p) but after living together at my parents and now here, 10 months in things are still awesome with only minor squabbles about dishes not being done (do women ever outgrow that? jeez leave a plate in the sink overnight and you think I had shot the pope or something) and occasionally about my video game/electronic vices (vs her shoe/clothes vices). But I am still a little worried I guess that once it's FINAL then **** might hit the fan.

I don't know what to do! Growin up is a bit annoying :p
 
spork183 said:
what's the gf say about it? That would kinda be a big one in my book.
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Well she prefers me to be here and calls it "our place" although she feels bad that my parents don't see me as much as they used to.

swiftaw said:
Even if you move out, I'm sure you'll always have a place to stay at your parents house if you ever need it.
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I know I can always stay over there if need be but it's the finality of moving out that kinda makes me feel uneasy I guess.
 
sikkinixx said:
Well she prefers me to be here and calls it "our place" although she feels bad that my parents don't see me as much as they used to.

I know I can always stay over there if need be but it's the finality of moving out that kinda makes me feel uneasy I guess.
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They see you more than if you had moved to the East Coast... Besides, where do her parents live? Relationships involve compromises. You'll still be in the same town.

As for the uneasiness, all new decisions have that. Just make sure your uneasiness is not tied to deeper doubts about the relationship. Dr. Phil out...
 
I'd say stay home but make it hard for her to kick you out, in a nice way of course. Do more chores round the place. If you moved out you'd have to do these anyway so think of it as practice for when you do move out?
 
Does your girlfriend have an apartment or a house/condo? Does she rent or pay a mortgage? IMO, it is ignorant to pi$$ away money on rent, when you can be investing in real estate. BUT, seeing as you live in California, I'd imagine that renting is probably your only option.

If you can't really afford to move out, and it sounds like you can't because you say you can't afford to pay anymore than you currently are, then I think you should stay at home (at least until you are earning enough to pay your fair share).
 
Ok so you are in college/university. that probably means you are over 18 - ie adult in most places in the world.
You are staying at your girlfriends place everynight, and you live at your parents. Do you pay for rent at either one of these places?
Answer is probably nope.
Why not?

you are taking up space at either place. pay up already to at least one place.
and make that your home base. If you are not ready to move in with GF think about your own place.
I dont get how you can live a free ride and try to learn to be an adult at the same time. Offer your GF half rent money. and aks her if you can move in 100%.
 
RBMaraman said:
Does your girlfriend have an apartment or a house/condo? Does she rent or pay a mortgage? IMO, it is ignorant to pi$$ away money on rent, when you can be investing in real estate.

If your g/f is renting, and you think the relationship is pretty solid, I would talk with her about purchasing a house or condo together.
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Renting is ignorant? I really doubt that most people want to rent, its more of a matter of not having a rather substantial sum of money to put as down payment on a house/condo. Traditionally a down payment is about 20%, thats about $40,000 on a $200,000 condo (which depending upon where they are on the west coast may be impossible to find). Even if they managed to get a 5% down payment thats still $10,000 and is a lot of money for a young couple to come up with. Also, have you seen the realestate market as of late? Buying realestate right now wouldn't seem a terribly smart investment when your $200,000 condo might only be worth $150,000 in 3-5 years (and yes I realize realestate is generally a longterm investment and that it will eventually level out, but as a young couple I wouldn't expect them to want to be in the same condo for 7-15 years).

Personally, I say move in with her. She moved out here for you and it sounds like you are fairly stable. I say go for it, just make sure your parents would let you move back in if it didn't workout.
 
just a suggestion

Talk with her about this. Let her know your excitement about moving in, as well as some of your reservations. Ask her what she thinks. You're both adults - and it's important (as adults) to communicate.

And, if you move in, just as a suggestion, do more around the house. If she's paying rent, then you can help out by being proactive with the apartment. DO the dishes, MAKE the bed, MAKE her dinner, TAKE out the trash. Right now, she's floating you a bit, so show that you appreciate it.

Have fun, too (for what it's worth). Living with your sig other can be (and should be, for the most part) a blast.
 
thanks for the suggestions all, even though a few are a bit unrealistic at this point unfortunately.

lanray said:
Talk with her about this. Let her know your excitement about moving in, as well as some of your reservations. Ask her what she thinks. You're both adults - and it's important (as adults) to communicate.

And, if you move in, just as a suggestion, do more around the house. If she's paying rent, then you can help out by being proactive with the apartment. DO the dishes, MAKE the bed, MAKE her dinner, TAKE out the trash. Right now, she's floating you a bit, so show that you appreciate it.

Have fun, too (for what it's worth). Living with your sig other can be (and should be, for the most part) a blast.
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And yeah I am gonna talk with her and see what she wants to do. I do help out too ;) I'm the chef in the relationship and she doesn't like to do garbage/most hardcore cleaning so I end up doing that.
 
First, I don't buy that you have to work part time when you go to college. I for one did not and I did very well. It's a choice you make. However, I do not fault any one who doesn't work full time while going to college. I will say however, that you seem to be holding on to whichever suits you at that moment. It sounds like your g/f moved out there for you. It also sounds like you are accustomed to being kept. Your mom keeps you and now your g/f keeps you. When your g/f isn't, your mom isn't. Your mom is right. **** or get off the pot and grow up. It's time to choose. If your g/f is ok with your living there rent free because you're the chef of the relationship then great for you. She's a better woman than I'll ever personally be. Making me fat with your cooking isn't paying the rent. ;) I really think you need to make the choice and seeing how you do not intend to work full time and contribute 50% to the household because you're in school, it seems like the answer is already there. Stay home. I think you're situation is a great one in that you're very lucky. I also think that even if your g/f is ok with the financial situation that you should really make certain you're not going to let yourself be carried by anyone. I say this to men and women, don't let anyone carry you because when it ends (and it will) it's going to be hard to figure it out on your own.

I envy those that can stay home longer than 18, 20, 25. I don't envy them when I look around at what I have and that it's all mine, but I look at the sheer amount of savings they've managed to build by not paying rent or a mortgage. That said, I don't think it's healthy to live at home past the age of 25 (ish). I think a man or woman needs to live on their own to really take that next step in growing.

One final note to the clever being who said paying rent is a ignorant thing to do. First, there is always something to be said for paying rent; something negative. That is true. However, if you were shopping for a house in the last 18-24 months and you happened to buy then you're so up **** creek on your value it's sick. I know a few proud homeowners that came in with 20%, but the houses were way over-valued. They're about 10% upside down. It's not as bad as they could have been, but they're not in a good position either. Renting is not ignorant. What is ignorant is thinking nows the time to buy a house. Something tells me that based on the number of homes not sold in the last quarter that I am not the only one with this opinion.
 
Same here, I had no job whilst at college and university, living just off my student loan and food from parents. The student loan covered my course fees and travelling expenses, but allowed me to buy an iMac, digital SLR, PowerBook etc over the past few years. It's what I had to do to focus 100% on my studies and keeping a bit of time and money aside for when I'm with Caroline.

Get off the drugs (I skipped this at first because I thought it was a typo). I never thought of you as a drug user *shrugs*. Make serious alterations to your lifestyle and move out with your girlfriend I say.
 
OP,

If you don't want to move in w/yer GF (who apparently moved across the country for you) you need to seriously re-evaluate your relationship.

RBMaraman said:
Does your girlfriend have an apartment or a house/condo? Does she rent or pay a mortgage? IMO, it is ignorant to pi$$ away money on rent, when you can be investing in real estate.
Click to expand...
I would agree... unless you live someplace like SoCal where real estate costs you a small fortune. A "typical" two-story, $250k suburban home in Indy would be a multimillion dollar home in Los Angeles.


Lethal

EDIT: For those who don't know, sh*t or get off the pot means make a decision.
 
Investing in real estate with someone you have only a semi-serious relationship can be a horrible choice. What happens if you break up in a year, and all your money is tied up in the place you bought? You can sell, at which point it was a terrible investment because of the closing costs. Or you sell when the market is bad, in which case you can't sell, and then both of you have your money trapped in the place. It isn't like owning a home means the all money you put in goes to building equity anyway. You pay interest on a mortgage, you pay taxes on the house, insurance, etc. That can add up close to a month's rent in some places, and you are flushing that down just like rent.
 
sikkinixx said:
But I'm finding it kind of hard. Part of me doesn't wanna move out 100%. It's kind of a safety net I suppose that I still have my bed etc back at the folks place that I can bail to if needed. I also feel kind of guilty since my gf is paying the lions share of the bills but I can't really pay more since cost of life as a student (gas/parking/time spent in school not making $$$) is costly.
Click to expand...

Well, the decision is really yours and your girlfriend's not your mom's.

Given the long distance nature of your relationship to date, I think it's sensible to take it slow. You really don't know each other that well yet. My advice would be to negotiate a time frame with your parents and your girlfriend. Tell your parents your concerns about moving in with her so soon after she got here and your concern about money.

Both issues are very reasonable causes to hesitate. Money can really mess up a relationship quickly. Are your parents going to rent out your basement suite? If they are, maybe you can negotiate with them and have some of the rent go to your girlfriend to cover your share.

However, maybe your mom has a point. You've "been together" for 7+ years, when is enough enough? Maybe she senses your hesitation and is nudging you to help you make up your own mind.

You need to sit down and talk with your gf first, then have a talk with your parents.

Growing up is tough sometimes but in the end, we all gotta do it!
 
I say move out.

Not everyone may agree with the financial relationship in all of this, but you seem to have one that works for both of you (ie: she doesn't mind paying the rent, and you do the cooking and cleaning to "try" and compensate as much as you can).

You live there most of the time. Get the stuff you need out to her apartment, because you'll need it there more often.
 
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