wedding questions

[dukebound85]

well im at that age in my life where my friends are slowly getting picked off one by one by the sig others

my question is that how do you feel about being invited as a groomsmen or bridesmaid and being expected to cover the tux rentals, the activities (like golfing), and other various things as that seems to be the norm here?

i ask as i know many people feel they must accept the offer of being a groomsnmen or bridemaid and are really quite honored by the notion

however, part of me feels if one must use up their vacation days from work and fly across the country and then pay for expensive outings, tuxes, dresses, what not related to the wedding all at their expense, isnt that a little rude?

i feel that those throwing the wedding should pay for the tuxes of the groomsmen and bridesmaid dresses and the activities at least....

i dunno...just was thinking about this the other day as i have yet another wedding to go to and this one will be occuring when i am clear across the US....lol

 

[themoonisdown09]

I was the first one of all my friends to get married (I got married at 21). My brother was the best man so my mom paid for the tux rentals, etc.

I have been on the other end many times now and to tell you the truth, paying for all that stuff doesn't bother me. I've been really good friends with them, so I figure the least I could do would be to pay for the tux rental and help pitch in on the bachelor party.

I'll admit though, all my friend's weddings have been in town so I haven't had to fly anywhere. My wife's best friend got married on a beach in Florida, so we decided just to take our vacation down there.

 

[dukebound85]

another question that always occurs to me is what do you do when you are asked to be a groomsman or something but you were never really that good of friends or hung out much?

ive had that happen too.

 

[themoonisdown09]

another question that always occurs to me is what do you do when you are asked to be a groomsman or something but you were never really that good of friends or hung out much?

ive had that happen too.

That's a tough one. I'm glad I haven't been in that situation. That's when you try and find something else going on that day.

 

[aethelbert]

Just out of curiosity, how much do you end up dropping to attend one of these things? I go to a lot of weddings for people that I know but they always seem to be willing to pay my travel expenses seeing as its cheaper than hiring a local organist.

It seems to me to almost be something where you carry out such actions for your friends as they're likely to do the same for you when the time comes.

 

[tMac85]

are you very close to the person? If so consider it a gift to the person. if it really is THAT expensive and you are close to the person, than you should TALK to him/ her. They should understand.

otherwise say sorry i cant afford to be in your wedding.

 

[dukebound85]

Just out of curiosity, how much do you end up dropping to attend one of these things? I go to a lot of weddings for people that I know but they always seem to be willing to pay my travel expenses seeing as its cheaper than hiring a local organist.

It seems to me to almost be something where you carry out such actions for your friends as they're likely to do the same for you when the time comes.

from my experience, ive had to lay out about 500ish to attend one locally.

tuxes are like 200, activities take up some and the gifts of course

now when ill be across the country, ill have lodging, rental car probably, plane tickets, eating, etc so probably alot more

 

[Keebler]

duke, i have to be honest here, if you're asked and you're a good friend, it shouldn't matter who pays. I completely agree with your thoughts if you don't have a strong friendship or didn't hang out - I would find a way to say no or just say no.

BUT, if they're close to you and you've hung out alot, for me, it doesn't matter what the cost is.

As you get older, you only have 2 things:

1. your memories

2. your family and friends

Those 2 points hand in hand form your experiences through life.

Not only be honoured, but partake whole heartedly and enjoy in their day (and all the activities).

I'm not saying this applies to you, but these days, folks spend so much time working and tucking whatever money they can away or buying 'things', that we forget what is important - relationships with other human beings. Humans are social creatures. Going golfing, enjoying that bachelor party and then the wedding day are all important days in someone's life. And, what goes around, comes around. Everything in life happens for a reason. Heck, maybe you'll meet the person of your dreams attending someone's wedding as a groomsmen.

To be asked to be involved is huge.

hope that helps,
keebler

 

[dukebound85]

very true

this is what i like about message boards, i can ask questions i normally wouldnt ask concerning situations lol

this wedding coming up is of a good friend of mine so I'll definitely be going to that one. I will be lying though if I never did think about these scenarios though lol

 

[Surely]

well im at that age in my life where my friends are slowly getting picked off one by one by the sig others

my question is that how do you feel about being invited as a groomsmen or bridesmaid and being expected to cover the tux rentals, the activities (like golfing), and other various things as that seems to be the norm here?

i ask as i know many people feel they must accept the offer of being a groomsnmen or bridemaid and are really quite honored by the notion

however, part of me feels if one must use up their vacation days from work and fly across the country and then pay for expensive outings, tuxes, dresses, what not related to the wedding all at their expense, isnt that a little rude?

i feel that those throwing the wedding should pay for the tuxes of the groomsmen and bridesmaid dresses and the activities at least....

i dunno...just was thinking about this the other day as i have yet another wedding to go to and this one will be occuring when i am clear across the US....lol

I think that's BS man. It's not fair to expect someone to shell out their hard-earned cash AND use vacation days AND give a generous gift. Luckily for me, my friends paid for all that stuff when they asked people to be in their wedding parties. The only thing I've ever had to pay for was to chip in for stag parties/weekends (and gladly!).

Also, when I got married, we had a small ceremony with immediate family on the beach in the Bahamas. And we paid for them to come. Later that summer, my family threw us a big reception at a hotel so people could come and celebrate with us. We did it right (IMO). No pressure on anyone for anything.

 

[Macaddicttt]

from my experience, ive had to lay out about 500ish to attend one locally.

tuxes are like 200, activities take up some and the gifts of course

now when ill be across the country, ill have lodging, rental car probably, plane tickets, eating, etc so probably alot more

$200 for a Tux rental, and how many times have you done this? Why not just buy one. You can get one easily for $200.

 

[leekohler]

Having been in several weddings, I can tell you I've never paid for the tux rental. Not once. I think you are correct in that these things should be covered by those getting married. If you're flying across the country and paying for lodging, etc., it's the least they can do.

BTW duke- do you have a GF? Will you also be tying the knot soon?

 

[atszyman]

$200 for a Tux rental, and how many times have you done this? Why not just buy one. You can get one easily for $200.

That would never work. It wouldn't match the other tuxes and you'd be asked to rent one anyway to match the rest of the bridal party.

I've only been a groomsman once, and it was my brothers wedding, and I was only like 19, so mom covered the rental...

I don't recall if we paid for tuxes for our wedding or if we had some of them pay. I know I've been an usher more than a few times and every time I believe I had to pay for my tux for the weddings where it was required. My wife who did the bridesmaid tour (I think it was 6 or 7 times) I believe always had to pay for her bridesmaid dresses (sure she gets to keep the dress, but how often do you get to re-use them? a rental would have most likely been cheaper).

I'm of the opinion that if you're close enough to be asked, paying for the tux isn't a huge deal. If tux payment is an issue then you probably weren't close enough to the bride or groom and probably never should have been asked to stand up.

 

[Macaddicttt]

That would never work. It wouldn't match the other tuxes and you'd be asked to rent one anyway to match the rest of the bridal party.

A tux is a tux, so long as it's black and has a satin faced lapel. Asking for anything more than that is tacky. And even if your friend wants to go for the really tacky colored vest/tie/cummerbund, you could just rent those at a fraction of the price.

Let me tell you, if anyone asks me to be a part of their wedding party and wear a tux, I'm going to wear my tux. A wedding is not an occasion for the bride and groom to force their every whim on their guests and definitely not if they're going to make them pay for it, too.

Expecting someone to wear a tux: reasonable. Expecting someone to wear the exact same tux as everyone else causing unnecessary burden on your friends: unreasonable.

EDIT: And since when is being close to the bride or groom evidence of financial well-being? Some people could be as close as can be to the bride and groom, but that doesn't make $200 instantly available for an unnecessary tux rental.

 

[atszyman]

A tux is a tux, so long as it's black and has a satin faced lapel. Asking for anything more than that is tacky. And even if your friend wants to go for the really tacky colored vest/tie/cummerbund, you could just rent those at a fraction of the price.

Let me tell you, if anyone asks me to be a part of their wedding party and wear a tux, I'm going to wear my tux. A wedding is not an occasion for the bride and groom to force their every whim on their guests and definitely not if they're going to make them pay for it, too.

Expecting someone to wear a tux: reasonable. Expecting someone to wear the exact same tux as everyone else causing unnecessary burden on your friends: unreasonable.

EDIT: And since when is being close to the bride or groom evidence of financial well-being? Some people could be as close as can be to the bride and groom, but that doesn't make $200 instantly available for an unnecessary tux rental.

How many brides have you been around? Most want their wedding day to be as perfect as possible, and if I'm close enough to be asked I'm usually happy to oblige most of their seemingly frivolous whims in order to make their day the day they want.

I guess it didn't quite come out as intended, but if you're close enough to be asked, the financial burden, if too much will either be understood by those asking and arrangements can be made to ease the burden if necessary.

If you are asked, can't afford, and don't feel close enough to talk to the party asking you to explain that while you appreciate the gesture it's just not financially feasible for you at this time, then you're probably not that close.

When I asked my groomsmen, I had a good idea of every one of their financial status and would not have been at all surprised and would have gladly helped any one of them had the financial burden been too much (assuming we didn't pay for the tuxes, like I said, I don't remember what we did).

 

[Macaddicttt]

How many brides have you been around? Most want their wedding day to be as perfect as possible, and if I'm close enough to be asked I'm usually happy to oblige most of their seemingly frivolous whims in order to make their day the day they want.

I'm of the opinion that weddings have gone way out of control, and I am not an enabler.

A tux is a tux and you should already own one. Can you imagine a bride asking the groomsmen to wear the exact same suit? Of course she could conceivably specify light or dark and perhaps even the color (I mean "blue" not "this exact shade of blue"), but I'm sure she'd be perfectly understanding if the only suit you have is a black one.

I detest the idea that a "perfect" wedding means a meticulously planned and controlled wedding. A perfect wedding is one where everyone has fun. If a bride needs the groomsmen to have exactly matching tuxedos in order to be happy and charges them to achieve it, then she has bigger problems than a groomsman in a slightly different tux.

Now I'd have less of a problem with it if the bride and groom paid for the frivolous expense, and I certainly would comply to their wishes (I mean, it's them wasting the money), but what really gets me is when people want these ridiculously meticulously planned "perfect" weddings (especially in a remote/exotic location where large airfare is required to be paid by all) and charge their "friends" in order to have it.

 

[Tomorrow]

my question is that how do you feel about being invited as a groomsmen or bridesmaid and being expected to cover the tux rentals, the activities (like golfing), and other various things as that seems to be the norm here?

I didn't know this. (Un)luckily for me I've never asked to be in a wedding like this. I guess I just assumed that the groom (or whoever is footing the bill for everything) picked up the tab for the tux and activities, and the groomsmen would pay for their travel, etc.

My guess is that these things can add up pretty quickly, no?

 

[atszyman]

I'm of the opinion that weddings have gone way out of control, and I am not an enabler.

A tux is a tux and you should already own one. Can you imagine a bride asking the groomsmen to wear the exact same suit? Of course she could conceivably specify light or dark and perhaps even the color (I mean "blue" not "this exact shade of blue"), but I'm sure she'd be perfectly understanding if the only suit you have is a black one.

I detest the idea that a "perfect" wedding means a meticulously planned and controlled wedding. A perfect wedding is one where everyone has fun. If a bride needs the groomsmen to have exactly matching tuxedos in order to be happy and charges them to achieve it, then she has bigger problems than a groomsman in a slightly different tux.

Now I'd have less of a problem with it if the bride and groom paid for the frivolous expense, and I certainly would comply to their wishes (I mean, it's them wasting the money), but what really gets me is when people want these ridiculously meticulously planned "perfect" weddings (especially in a remote/exotic location where large airfare is required to be paid by all) and charge their "friends" in order to have it.

I don't deny that some weddings end up going way overboard, but I'm usually OK doing what I'm asked, if I was asked to be in the wedding and agreed to do so.

Of course on the flip side, the bridesmaids often end up paying for the dress that they will almost certainly never use again. Why should they have to endure the expense of that while the guys can get off scott free with the tux they happen to own?

Once again, I'm not saying that it's right one way or the other, but, if I agree to be in someone's wedding I usually just do as I'm told and show up where I need to be, if I'm going to have a problem doing that, I'm probably not a person they should have asked.

Thinking back on it I believe we paid for the tux rentals for my friends and family who had to travel to get to the wedding, while the locals who did not endure that expense, got to pay for their own, but most of them were payback for having to do the same for their weddings...

 

[Macaddicttt]

Of course on the flip side, the bridesmaids often end up paying for the dress that they will almost certainly never use again. Why should they have to endure the expense of that while the guys can get off scott free with the tux they happen to own?

Yeah, women definitely get the short end of the stick in terms of semi-formal to formal wear. A man can buy one or two suits and a tux and be perfectly fine for his entire life. Dresses, however, go in and out of style every two seconds and women can sometimes buy a dress for every new occasion. Now presumably husbands and wives split their expenses or share their bank accounts, so why burden the husband, too, with the expense of a brand new suit or tux, too?

Unfortunately modern society hasn't really been able to fix this little conundrum quite yet for those who don't share their expenses or bank accounts with their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. A suit is a suit and a tux is a tux, but the same cannot be said of dresses.

For my own wedding, I'll solve it by requiring the groomsmen to wear suits, I will be wearing a morning suit (the proper formal wear during the day, as a tux should only be worn after 5 or 6 in the evening, and I'll have a day time wedding; plus it sort of evens the playing field since my bride will have to buy a dress and I'll have to buy a morning suit), my bride will wear whatever dress she wants/we can afford, and I'm sure for bridesmaids we'll specify at the least color and at the most a general style.

 

[dukebound85]

$200 for a Tux rental, and how many times have you done this? Why not just buy one. You can get one easily for $200.

i suppose i could buy one. probably should. only been to a few, so not that many times

however there are different styes of tuxes and id figure the pair being wedded wants everyone to match lol

Having been in several weddings, I can tell you I've never paid for the tux rental. Not once. I think you are correct in that these things should be covered by those getting married. If you're flying across the country and paying for lodging, etc., it's the least they can do.

BTW duke- do you have a GF? Will you also be tying the knot soon?

nope, no girlfriend at the moment

 

[leekohler]

nope, no girlfriend at the moment

As cute as you are? OK- if you are in this wedding, you MUST hook up with a bridesmaid. I insist.

 

[timsutcliffe]

Hmm

I got married in the summer just gone, in Toronto, and I live in England. My wife is Canadian.

Looking back on it, I don't think my groomsmen got a great deal. They had to pay £200 for their suit, and then their plane fare over, which isn't cheap in the summer. Accommodation was provided for them.

On the other hand, they all enjoyed a great holiday, it's not like they came for one day. And they can still all wear their suits now, it's not like a dress that is only worn once.

Financially we could not have afforded to pay for their suits, and certainly not their air fares, so what else could we have done?

 

[Surely]

I got married in the summer just gone, in Toronto, and I live in England. My wife is Canadian.

Looking back on it, I don't think my groomsmen got a great deal. They had to pay £200 for their suit, and then their plane fare over, which isn't cheap in the summer. Accommodation was provided for them.

On the other hand, they all enjoyed a great holiday, it's not like they came for one day. And they can still all wear their suits now, it's not like a dress that is only worn once.

Financially we could not have afforded to pay for their suits, and certainly not their air fares, so what else could we have done?

You could have had a smaller wedding..... you could have had a wedding without groomsmen/bridesmaids..... you could have told them that they could wear a suit they already own..... you could have had a small post-wedding party in England for your English friends/family instead of expecting them to pay for flight/suit/gift/other expenses.....

There are many options. No?

 

[Macky-Mac]

another question that always occurs to me is what do you do when you are asked to be a groomsman or something but you were never really that good of friends or hung out much?

ive had that happen too.

you say "No".......of course you do it politely

 

[atszyman]

You could have had a smaller wedding..... you could have had a wedding without groomsmen/bridesmaids..... you could have told them that they could wear a suit they already own..... you could have had a small post-wedding party in England for your English friends/family instead of expecting them to pay for flight/suit/gift/other expenses.....

There are many options. No?

And the bridesmaids and groomsmen are also welcome to decline to be a bridesmaid, groomsmen, if they do not think they will be able to do it for whatever reason.

I think it all depends on the people involved and weddings themselves. I've had to pay for my tux a few times for a wedding, I'm fairly certain we didn't pick up the tab for the tuxes for everyone in our wedding either, I don't recall anyone griping about it. Some of it was and had been reciprocal, where I'd paid for a tux for a friend's wedding about a month before mine.

The tradition seems to vary all over the map, and depending on the wedding and the participants, I don't think it's out of the ordinary to be done either way.