What To Do When the relationship plateaus...

[redAPPLE]

i never thought i would ask for help here.

what is there to do when the relationships stagnates?

job stress & different problems coming all at once is hurting my relationship.

what is there to do?

 

[floriflee]

i never thought i would ask for help here.

what is there to do when the relationships stagnates?

job stress & different problems coming all at once is hurting my relationship.

what is there to do?

Hurting it how?
Are you not spending enough time together?
Are you bickering all the time about everything?
Have you both changed to the point where you don't think you're compatible anymore and ever will be?
What exactly do you think is missing that was there before?

 

[0098386]

Loads of things you two can do. Take a little break for one. go paintballing. take up running. do something active so when you get back in you're all tired and feeling happy inside. flick on the TV, her head on your shoulder. she falls asleep and all is well.

 

[Chundles]

Maybe approach the problem from a different direction??

Seriously, there are problems that you can't face head on. I've found that when a relationship grows familiar it can be best to sneak up on the problem and take it from behind.

Talk it over with her, explain the feelings, ask what she wants. It may just be a case of the initial spark of passion blowing out to become a smoldering heat as the relationship matures.

 

[redAPPLE]

Hurting it how?
Are you not spending enough time together?
Are you bickering all the time about everything?
Have you both changed to the point where you don't think you're compatible anymore and ever will be?
What exactly do you think is missing that was there before?

imo, we are spending enough time together. but eg. we sit in front of the tv watching something, and we basically don't talk.

i don't think i feel we stopped being compatible.

time is missing imo.

 

[redAPPLE]

flick on the TV, her head on your shoulder. she falls asleep and all is well.

well, i did that yesterday. then i put on the dvd Big Fish (on a side note, i think is a cool movie (which she does not agree with... who could not agree with tim burton?). she fell asleep. but somehow, all is not well

 

[miloblithe]

Get married. Planning the wedding will give you plenty to talk about.
Already married? Have kids!

(kidding of course). Reinvest in the relationship. Concentrate on doing some things together and enjoying each other's company.

edit: TV doesn't count.

 

[redAPPLE]

Maybe approach the problem from a different direction??

Seriously, there are problems that you can't face head on. I've found that when a relationship grows familiar it can be best to sneak up on the problem and take it from behind.

i think i get your point.

 

[Applespider]

Everything stagnates unless you work at keeping it fresh.

Next time that you just sit down in front of the TV, get her up and do something else that involved you interacting rather than sitting passively.

Book a weekend away as a romantic treat, leave little notes in surprise places - try doing things that you used to do while you were first dating and bring some freshness back in.

 

[redAPPLE]

Get married. Planning the wedding will give you plenty to talk about.
Already married? Have kids!

(kidding of course). Reinvest in the relationship. Concentrate on doing some things together and enjoying each other's company.

now she talks about, she should drop by less often... my take would be, if she wants a break, then i would give it to her. is this right?

 

[miloblithe]

If she needs a break, she needs a break. But the weekend get-away is a great idea, although it smacks of a little desperation. But, it sounds like that's the only option. Subtlety isn't really the point. Sending her obvious signals that you want to work on the relationship is a good idea.

Tell her you want to concentrate on quality not quantity of time and then do it. Make the time you spend together meaningful again and she'll probably want to spend more time together again.

 

[iGary]

Everything stagnates unless you work at keeping it fresh.

Next time that you just sit down in front of the TV, get her up and do something else that involved you interacting rather than sitting passively.

Book a weekend away as a romantic treat, leave little notes in surprise places - try doing things that you used to do while you were first dating and bring some freshness back in.

Yep.

Rob often does a good job of this. I don't mind routines; in fact I crave them.

He'll often pul me off the couch to go shoot pictures or have dinner out or something different. You do have to work at it, expecially after 6 years living with me.

 

[floriflee]

In the end, long-term relationships are going to turn habitual in some form or other. We are creatures of habit.... However, it's important to not let all the habits formed be non-constructive. You say you don't talk and just sit in front of the TV so what about starting a new habit where you guys maybe take a 10-15 minute walk and just talk about whatever's on each others' minds? Go rollerblading or start exercising together. When I started working from home last month my husband and I started the habit of my walking with him to and from the train station where he catches the train to go to school and work in the mornings and evenings. It's about a 10-15 minute walk one way, and it's nice because

a) it's a good way to get some fresh air and relax, and
b) it gives us time to just talk and see how each other is doing.

Regardless, if you guys want this to last you have to find ways to communicate and listen to each other (most important), help each other, and fulfill each others' needs. Make the time together quality rather than just filler.

I agree that you should spice it up a little from time to time. So maybe once a week or a few times a month get out of the house and do something out of the norm. Go camping, get away for a weekend, have a small dinner party or a game night with close friends, go out to eat at a new restaurant, see a play/movie/concert, find a free event and take her to it, start taking a fun class (cooking, art, music or whatever) together. You guys can find something that you both enjoy (rather than the usual TV stuff) and do it.

It doesn't have to be fun and games all the time (perhaps occassionally). Just make sure the time together is well spent.

 

[redAPPLE]

Yep.

Rob often does a good job of this. I don't mind routines; in fact I crave them.

He'll often pul me off the couch to go shoot pictures or have dinner out or something different. You do have to work at it, expecially after 6 years living with me.

it is just that i am sometimes really preoccupied with work and all, that i wish the partner would pull me away from my mac.

taking walks sounds cool. but not when it is freezing outside

thanks btw for all the response. just knowing that someone reads the thread makes me feel better personally.

 

[Seasought]

I was reading through the responses and just wanted to provide an encouraging "good luck" to you concerning whatever you do. I'm not going to try and give advice as I believe most of the other posters have covered the bases.

 

[floriflee]

taking walks sounds cool. but not when it is freezing outside

Walking in the cold is part of the fun (it's only 15 minutes)

Okay, okay, so maybe you could take a drive (if you're willing to spend the gas) or cook together, or play a board game (assuming it won't cause bad blood between you two) or something. I'd just find something where you guys aren't just sitting there not doing anything stimulating.

Does she know that you'd like her to pull you away from your computer??? I know we would like our loved ones to be able to read our minds sometimes, but that's kind of asking for the impossible.

Hey, maybe have her join MR. It's done wonders for mine and my hubby's relationship. Har har har!